Warning: You cannot respond to this blog in less than 15 minutes. Manage your time wisely, poppets.
Now that we are back with a brand new year to work with, it's time to sit back and do some introspective reflection.
Every day, you wake up, go through your morning rituals, come to school, do your thing(s), go home, go through your evening rituals and then go to bed. There are obviously some variations to this routine from time to time, and I am not trying to downplay your life in any way by making it sound mundane; that is not the idea here. What I am saying is, through all these daily activities, rituals and routines people interact with you. They talk to you, refer to you, question you, yell at you, soothe you, talk about you, defer to you or, in some cases, though hopefully not many, ignore you completely. The point is, they KNOW who you are, at least enough to do one or more of the previous things. But, when you stop to think about it, do they really know? And, more importantly, do YOU?
Beyond names, job titles or academic accomplishments, beyond labels given by yourself or by others, beyond traits and hobbies and virtues... who are you? Who are you inside? If you had to write your name, and then your definition, what would it say?(substantive response/70pts)
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So, in my ever persistent attempt to due these blogs early and not procrastinate, I suddenly find myself coming to an abrupt stop and a loss for words. I have always described myself based upon titles, achievements, or even shortcomings, once in while. But “who I really am”, is not a topic that crosses my mind very often, well, truthfully, it never has. Whether it be out of fear of finding a horrible monster that is just pure evil or naivety and not knowing how to even begin, I have never looked passed the monotonous events that occupy my every-day life. I have never had a problem accepting the routine; in fact, I seem to burgeon in its presence, but not once have I questioned “why this way and not that”. As I have been told so many times by my parents, “There was never a rule that I meant and didn’t like.” But the time has come to escape the comfort zone of my routine castle and diving in a sea of sharks that is the person who I am deep down. The question still remains, though, “How do I do that?” How exactly do I even begin to look in to myself and define who I am, while ignoring virtues, titles, and achievements? All of my life that was how I was taught to define myself; I have known no other way and now I must forget my entire mindset. Wow, Bunje, I hope that my response to follow fits the bill because, to tell the truth, I have no clue what I am doing.
For the easy part: Does my family, friends, teachers, and anyone else I interact with on a daily basis really know who I am? I would usually jump the gun and come with an explanation like, “No one could know who I am, not even I really know who I am.” But after mulling it over, I think it is possible that there are a few, select people, who really, deep down, know who I am underneath of the veneers I so casually put one each and every day. But, oddly enough, none of the people who I think might “really” know me are family, but there is a reason behind that seemingly contradictory statement. To me, the people who know me best only do because they only see certain parts in my life and aren’t clouded by previous actions I’ve committed. My family is too blinded emotionally and often sees only their “little Matty”. They become blinded to the truth and can’t really see who I am or who I have become. Now, yes, they are definitely the best people to ask when I want to know how I changed but who I am, they are just as clueless as I am at the moment. Those who probably know me best are teachers and a few friends that I actually “talk” to, meaning I express what I am feeling and don’t just act so robotic around. Teachers would know who I am best because they have but 10 months to get to know me and while they may become emotionally attached, they are nowhere near as deeply attached, expect maybe Bunje :), as parents. They see how I act under pressure, around others, and how I mature, emotionally, mentally, physically, and in many ways I probably don’t even realize. Quintessentially, they are both an omnipotent third person and a personable friend with whom I can talk whenever I have a problem; they have the ability to see whom we truly are, even though they don’t usually tell us. Of course, why would they? That is a journey of self-discovery that only each of us can truly accomplish and see through completely. Those who are truly close to us, especially loved ones, don’t let themselves seem who I truly am, mostly likely for the same reasons as me never examining myself, for fear of finding a monster, no matter how religious or kind I appear on the outside. As it is, there are times when I am scared of myself and wonder if I am evil or if goodness truly exists, but thankfully, these thoughts only seem to be during moments of weakness and mental breakdown. But enough of that...on to the hard part…
Do I know who I am? Absolutely...NOT! I don’t think it is really possible for anyone my age, baring a few exceptions, to really know who they are. Frankly, there are some adults that are up in their years that don’t know who they are and I don’t blame them. The journey to that type of self-discovery is a long, arduous road that may never actually lead to answer or, worse, one that is not what is expected or desired. This type of expedition, while possible to stumble into through terrible, emotionally scaring events, must be continued willingly and solely. You have to commit yourself entirely to find the inner you and nothing less than a 100% will do. This is due to the shear amount mental concentration it takes to remove yourself from everyday life and genuinely take a long, hard look inside of ourselves. The amount of time, all of it, that must be devoted to this self-discovery is just not something that I feel is possible for a teenager. We have so many things swirling around in our heads that we don’t know which way is which. However, like I said before, sometimes devastating events can pave a pathway that eventually leads to the mental state which would provide for authentic self-awakening. But, for me personally, I have neither chosen to embark nor been forcefully shown the path upon which to journey. So, to answer the question in a few words: No, I do not know who I am.
As Alice has pointed out, when we saw “Into the Wild” last year it left an ever-lasting mark upon me. It gave me a new, profound perspective on life and made me truly wonder if I was being me or some robotic drone of society that never once did anything he actually wanted. I still wonder that once in while, but that is about as far as my discursive mind travels into that minefield. To think that there is some, unknown entity or persona living within me that is truly who I was meant to be, it a terribly frightening thought, but at the same time tempting and addictive, in its own way. So, maybe, in my old age, some wisdom might strike me and I actually will begin my own journey, but for now I really don’t think I can handle another stress like that in my life.
So, the main theme seems to be I am such a scaredy-cat and I can’t even begin to fathom taking a step back and finding out whom I am. But as I have writing this blog, the idea of finding my “true form” is intoxicating, but I feel I won’t be voyaging in the near future. But this is where I become very confused. What is the difference between “Who are you” and “Who are you inside”? Is there even a difference? Whatever, I will answer as I see fit and if I need to add things I can do it later. I see no difference, which could just be my inability to see things in many ways, unless of course you mean it literally but I highly doubt it. :)
On to the definition of Matthew J. Warrener (Sounds awesome, right!?)
This seems to be a little easier but not much...
I have been contemplating this for quite a while now and one thing is holding me up from my somewhat formed definition. The fact that definitions usually do not change with time, yet everyone I have created it based upon the mercurial nature of myself...maybe that’s the key to my definition. Let’s try this again. If I were to define myself it would have to be:
Matthew J. Warrener (N.)-An unsure personality that questions himself constantly and tries to be kind and hopes for the best for his friends and family, despite his mostly pure intentions, he fears constantly that he is housing an evil entity within his soul, however, he tries not to let this thought get the better of him and does his best to better himself and those around him.
Well, that seems to be me in a nutshell, I have this feeling I’m missing something (since I have changed this 3 time already) but overall, I think it defines me.
Wow, um, this is much longer than I thought it would be...so if it is repetitive or boring sorry.
Oh, yeah, first post..is that a good thing or a bad thing?? :)
I feel the need to be as vague as possible when writing this. I don’t believe this is a subject that people can talk about very personally and in-depth with others without feeling awkward or having the need to lie. At least I know I do, which is why I feel if I make very general statements I can complete this without feeling like I had to hide behind my true self.
If any person were to ask me if I knew who I was, I would say no. But this is just so I don’t have to explain myself. Obviously I’m not done molding into the person I’ll forever be because nothing is definitive and everyone is susceptible to changing (how I hate that…). But for the most part, I know who I am—I just won’t admit it. I won’t admit it to myself and certainly not to others. It’s not that I’m afraid that people won’t accept who I am, for I’m sure they wouldn’t any way, but I’m more afraid of it becoming real. I don’t walk around pretending to be someone else; I simply block my identity from being known. I find it less stressful and easier to survive the long days of sitting in a school where I actually don’t like many (most) of the people. This way, people have a general idea of who I am—they can grasp a sense of my personality, thereby being capable of making several inferences on the type of person I am. But none of them come close. I come off as ‘nice’ to some, ‘funny’ to others, and a ‘bitch’ to those who have seen my, well, bitchy side. But those characteristics are all commonly established and accepted by anyone’s personality and being because of how easy they are to become. Manipulating others into believing I feel, think, or am a certain way is a specialty of mine. I’m a very versatile person when it comes to protecting my identity, so it’s easy for me to make-up a personality. Again, I’m not pretending to be someone I’m not because no matter what I’m me. I’m just hidden behind layers and layers of thick, carefully planned, and realistic identities. So while I become almost impossible to solve by any other human, I know exactly how to unpeel those layers when the time is needed to determine who I am.
Who I am is not important for any one else to know but myself. Everyone has an opinion; everyone has the ability to judge. Therefore, everyone is allowed to judge others because their judgment determines their feelings and thoughts toward any single person. People don’t need to accept me for me, they just have to accept me for who they see me as. Or they don’t have to accept me at all. And just because of this, I don’t rely on others to give me an accurate account of their personality and being; I only rely on my instincts and first impressions.
So to answer the question of “who I am”, I’ll simply say Jennifer Michelle Pilallis. Because that’s all I am to any one else I meet—a name. Or it could be a physical characteristic, personality trait, or previous action I’ve done that I’m known for. I could be “Tori’s little sister” or “another Pilallis” or “that girl that plays softball” or “the girl with the big nose” or “the girl who’s extremely shy” or “Jen”. But all-in-all, to anyone but myself, I’m simply what you see me as, and nothing more.
To me, well, I don’t feel like extricating all my layers to determine who I am at this moment. But who am I kidding. I know who I am, I just won’t tell you.
Jennifer Pilallis (v) - the act of being unreasonably stubborn, dismissive, and impulsive, all at the same time, while appearing completely and convincingly ‘ordinary’.
Jen:
"Jennifer Pilallis (v) - the act of being unreasonably stubborn, dismissive, and impulsive, all at the same time, while appearing completely and convincingly ‘ordinary’."
First, I really liked your definition for yourself, and I think in a way many people our age can relate to it. Since at this time many people aren't comfortable with their 'true selves' we tend to place layers of not fake, but adaptive characteristics, like you said, to hide the more complex ones that make each one of us individuals. It was an interesting way of putting it when you described this as 'appearing normal or ordinary' because in reality we all want, in some way, to fit in with someones, if only one person, in order to be accepted before we unfold the layers that you spoke of.
Jon:
I pretty sure that this post of yours is a response to the blog, if it is not whoops. Anyway, i thought it was really good, even though there wasn't paragraph upon paragraph of information, the way you presented your feelings on this topic, to me, seems to be a reflection into who you really are, not that I know that for sure but...I thought it was really well done and I am still wondering if I got everything out of it after reading it twelve (no lie) times.
Jen:
As Carly said, your entire response hits the nail on the head for most of us; I know it does for me. And the fact the you could be openly honest about the layers you put on for protection really is like removing five. (Just my opinion) I thought yours was really well written and your definition was true not only for you but many others as well. However, one part of your blog sticks out prevalently to me and that is:
"Obviously I’m not done molding into the person I’ll forever be because nothing is definitive and everyone is susceptible to changing (how I hate that…)."
I completely agree. we are nowhere near done changing and molding, some maybe closer than others, but no one ever really stops changing completely. Right?? Isn't change the key to survival? That is just me and feel free to do with it as you wish but I think you hit many of the major points and explained the trouble with being truthful with this type of question. Kudos to you :)
Sarah friggin' Crane, that's who.
But no. nobody knows fully who that really is. I don't even know, because I, Sarah Crane, am not done yet. I don't feel that I'm fully formed and complete yet. But I think I have a pretty good idea of who I am right now. Granted, my assessment will probably not be perfect, as I'm not exactly what you'd call and objective party.
No one really knows me, totally and completely. My family knows how I act in front them, and my friends know how I act at school, and none of them know how I act when I'm alone. Granted, there are some people who've known me for a rediculous amount of time, so they know a hell of a lot, but not quite everything.
I once saw a plaque in a store that read, "You'll always be my friend. You know too much." This is what I mean.
I'll try hard not to write traits and hobbies and virtues. Explaining who I am will be difficult, but I'll do my best.
There are a million things I could say, that would explain parts of me, but not all of it. I could say, "I love to read," and you'd have a peice. "I could say, "i'm a little psychotic," and you've got another. I could belt out "I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint, I do not feel ashamed. I'm your health, I'm your dream, I'm nothing in between, I know you wouldn't want it any other way." And you still only have half the puzzle.
Wow, that sounded so pretentious. Calling myself a puzzle. Whatever, I'll roll with it.
I think for you to know who I really am, I'll have to get all specific with my little self. Here goes, I hope you understand.
I own exactly 317 books (my own personal library, not the books my parents or siblings have...though I have the most.)
I just got up and counted every single book in my bookcase to bring you that number.
I've read every one except for eight of them.
If I hadn't mentioned the eight unread books, I would have felt like a liar.
I still use my fingers to count, and occasionally my toes.
Instead of doing my homework, I often go on to internet psychology websites and see what mental disorders I might have. I always answer the questions as honestly as possible. Before writing this, I took the ADHD screening test. I scored a 94, and the site urged me to "seek further diagnosis from a trained mental health professional immediately."
The site this quiz is on,Psych Central- Psychological Tests and Quizes, is bookmarked as a Favorite on my laptop.
Despite this disturbing tendency, I scored as Highly Unlikely to be a Hypochondriac.
I am always surprised when someone tells me I am funny. I didn't used to be funny. When did this happen?
I bawled my eyes out in middle school when Melanie Rivera stole my ketchup and accidently knocked me to the floor. Granted, the floor really, really hurt my butt. But I'll admit it. I was crying a little bit for the ketchup.
My favorite shows are, in alphabetical order, Bones, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Charmed, and Ghost Whisperer. I own all the seasons that are out on DVD for all of these shows.
I love Betsey Johnson and Back to the Future.
If I ruled the world, I would make it mandatory for every single person to read The Princess Bride by William Goldman.
I spent New Years Eve alone in my house, curled up on the couch with my dog, in old pajamas and a fluffy blanket, eating strawberry pop tarts, with a purifying mask on my face, watching episode after episode of Bones.
And I loved every second of it.
I fall a lot. I fell into a well at Myra's house some years ago (relax, only one of my legs fell in.) I fell (well, accidently flipped) off of a net suspended ten feet in the air during the break. I fall over my own two feet practically every day.
I can never remember how I get bruises, but I never forget random facts, like that Gwen Stefani wrote the song "simple kind of life" the night before she and No Doubt recorded it.
I draw and paint, but not where anybody can see me do it.
I almost never have my parents sign anythin until the last minute, despite the fact that I get in trouble for this every time.
I taught myself how to pick a lock and beat a lie detector test.
I can say, "I am the best" in four different languages.
I am the best.
Ich bin das Beste.
E-me o kaliteros.
Optimus sum.
It bugs the hell out of me when somebody looks over my shoulder as I'm working, or wants to see something before I'm finished.
If somebody reads anything I'm working on before I'm ready to show them, it always dies. Seriously, four novels and seven journals can attest to this truth.
I once cried (a little) during a Budweiser beer commercial. No, I was not drunk or on anything. I was just happy for the donkey.
I always tear up when I read book six in Meg Cabot's The Mediator series. For those of you who haven't read it, probably most of you, it's sad because Jesse is perfect and about to die, alright? And it doesn't matter that I've read it like twelve times before. Perfect Jesse the former ghost's near re-death always gets to me.
When I'm alone in my house, I sing. And dance. I do both very poorly. Which is why I do them when no one's around.
When I can't fall asleep at night, I plan the best way to take over the world.
David Boreanaz is my very favorite actor.
I love taking care of children. I actually enjoy babysitting. Don't tell my neighbors, though, or they may stop paying me to do it.
Sometimes I put on the dress from my eighth grade dinner dance to watch TV.
I think that most events in my life are funny in a surreal way. If life is some cosmic joke, I take satisfaction from the idea that I must be the punch line.
I really and truly think I'm amazing.
And that's me, best as I can describe it.
Oh, I left out where my mom told me to bring a coat to a neighbors outdoor party, and I wasn't cold, so I refused, and my mom brought the coat anyway, because she said I was crazy and would want a coat later. So I told her to bring the coat, that it would just be a waste of effort, because I would not wear it. So naturally the temperature dropped from a balm mid-sixties to somewhere in the forties. But I just ran around a bunch, to make sure that I wouldn't be cold, thus proving my mother wrong.
Oh, we were actually supposed to make a definition thingy?
Sarah Crane- to be over-the-top in speech and action, yet at the same time introverted in manner. A natural contradiction.
*Repost*
Yay!!!! You used mine! :-P
"Maybe it's the time of year
Maybe it's the time of man
Well I don't know who I am,
but life is for learning."
- Jani I'm still mad at you for losing my Crosby Stills & Nash cd.
Noone knows who I am. Not me, not you, not even Wikipedia or the Chesire Cat. I've spent the last five years trying to figure out who I am without too much progress.
Before you can understand who I am, you need to know where I am.
I am not here.
I am never here, never there, never anywhere.
You do not know me.
You have not seen me,
but you have seen my shell.
I'm inside there, somewhere.
Maintaining a stare
Blank. All void of emotion
yet holding enough thought
to overflow every ocean
My mind's a catastrophe
immume to the atrophy
all due to a lack of the
apathy in mankind.
They never find time
to unwind, they way too taught
and that's how they get caught
by the mental police
fightin for world peace
just doesn't make sense
but it easier for them
than hoppin over the fence
to escape the corral.
If it's too hard I'll be your pal
you'll call me Al and say "wow"!
as I welcome you
to the new world order
Where you can speak your mind
instead of sayin "kinda sorta."
"Once upon a time, 2009 to be exact, in a land called south jersey lived a kid named me: Jon Scheaffer."
I am a bag of skin filled with various organs that allow me to breathe, think, see, taste, hear, and feel. I have bones that hold me up, and muscles that allow me to move around. I am a miracle. There are infinitely many miracles upon this planet, but their multitude fails to detract from their miraculousness.
I am a set of virtues and traits, which I'm apparently not allowed to mention, but they are who I am. Without our opinions, actions, and qualities, we are no longer individuals. The only differing aspects would be our gender and appearance. My virtues, hobbies, and traits determine my thoughts. My thoughts determine who I am.
Scheaffer (shay’ fur): 1 Jonathan(1992-present): to be determined.
Warrener:
I hope you didn't actually read the whole thing that many times, as it got doubled somehow. I must've pasted it twice? I don't know. I deleted it, and that's that.
I'm happy to know you got something out of it, especially since it was probably the worst of the three blog responses I typed up last night.
One was depressing, one was epic, and one was........well.....the one I posted. I decided the other ones didn't fit within the blog's guidelines. They spoke of my hobbies (deep thought) and labels (an individual).
Ok, I'm saving my comment for later. I want to see if anyone's gorgeous on the inside.
well, if the chesire cat doesn't know then we are all screwed.
Sarah friggin Crane,
I love you. So does my well and the dead voles that were in it when you fell in and had to borrow my pants because you were wet.
It was your idea to cover it with sticks and twigs you know. KARMA!
lolz
Who am I? I am Eva. I am Life. My name should give everyone fair warning. I am the wild, the element of chance, with motives which have, for years, been unfathomable to my peers. I am constantly escaping into the past, jumping into the future, never tarrying in any time for long. And, timeless, I am as I always have been. My earliest thoughts tally perfectly with the ones I hold now, though my experience (and therefore viewpoint) is much broader.
Strike from me my name, and I am the same creature.
I am inclined to poetry and song, though I have learned that they are not welcome in normal society. No thing is without poetry, and it is my duty to record it. No one else seems inclined to.
I am a creature of the woodlands. I always was surrounded by insects and trees. A caterpillar is a thing of wonder to me, not disgust. I pity the city-dwellers, the kids born to the suburbs and tall houses. They do not know what they have lost. It is my duty, I think, to teach them the names of the trees, to show them the beauty of a glistening beetle or dragonfly. And yet they do not listen. It is almost as if they want to walk about with their eyes closed. To them a tree is a tree, a rock is a rock.
Strike this surrounding from me, and I become a creature of argument and learning. I do not want to deny myself the company of anyone. (Though it didn’t take long for me to figure out that most people have no interest in what I have to say. There’s no point in talking to someone already bored.) If I find someone who agrees with me, I will talk to them nonstop. If I find someone willing to argue a point against me, I will debate until they’ve convinced me or they go away. Neither trait ever endeared me to anyone, though, so lately I’ve learned to just keep my mouth shut.
Strike from me this conversation, and I turn to writing. Here I am a god, creating things of wonder for my own delight. It does not matter to me if no one else ever sees them. I can pull from the air worlds of ice and fire, villages of twining trees, wraiths of cloud whisping across the moon. The poetry which always dictates my thought works its way on to the page. If there is no page it echoes around my mind.
If thought is taken, I become a rather comely corpse. I like to think that I am lovely. My hair is long and flame-hued. My face may be ill-colored and ill-proportioned, but I would not change it for the world. It has never been painted, and I cannot see any reason why it ever shall. Perhaps I am overly vain, and no one else sees the creature I see in the mirror. I do not know. I do not care.
All these things are clear to anyone who converses with me. I do not hide my character. Why should I? Arrogance and Laziness are my handmaidens. They dictate most of my actions. I am proud of this corpse and this character. And Laziness convinces me that it is not worth the trouble to invent another persona for daily use. I am as straightforward as any force of nature. Find the root of a thunderstorm or earthquake and you can understand it easily. But I like to think I inspire awe to some degree.
Yet strip away the last layer, and you find one I do not understand myself. There must be something driving this corpse to arrogance and poetry and song. What is it? There is nothing about me that should make me any different from anyone else, at least not beyond physical appearance. Yet I am. Why?
You asked for a definition. I still think my first is best. Eva: Life. And when Life is gone, I will be meaningless.
Matt W, I think who you are inside IS who you are. The rest is just window dressing.
Schaeffer, I liked your poem. It hurt my brain a little, but I understood it. I think.
Eva, your writing sounds like you just hopped out of the Renaissance to take a quick peek at the future, and any day now you'll be going back to party with da Vinci. I love it.
Myra, you aided and abetted me with the covering of it with twigs. And it's your well.
;(= <- angry winking man with a goatee.
Also, <3 you back, but since I probably stepped on the dead voles when I fell in the well (that rhymes!) I'm pretty sure they don't love me anymore.
Now write your blog so I can comment on it.
Sarah C,
I think I remember Melanie knocking you to the floor over the ketchup incident because she got so disgusted by the freaking gigantic portions of ketchup you put all over your burger. Lunch times at Mullica, definitely some classic stories from there.
I love Betsey Johnson too! And I think its great that you wear your 8th grade dinner dress to watch TV in.
Eva,
“Eva: Life. And when Life is gone, I will be meaningless.”
You totally had my favorite definition of yourself. It is so honestly and completely true, and I admit I wish I had your mind so I could have come up with that one on my own.
Here we go:
To get to the inner me that no one sees or could even begin to understand you will have to do a few things.
First, strip away the fake confidence and veneer of happiness.
Second, fight off the dragon that will try and burn anyone who comes close enough.
And lastly, crush down a wall complete with a moat that really holds my emotions, you may think I show my emotions very easily but to be honest I don’t think anyone ever really knows what I’m feeling because sometimes my emotions and actions are polar opposites.
When you get done those three steps you’ll finally see the real person who I am. This is in by no means conclusive and I have no idea who I really am but this is me taking a stab at it.
I’m a nurturer. I bleed when others bleed, and I do everything I possibly can to stop the bleeding before it happens. This makes me incredibly obsessive and heartbroken most of my life because well in life you can’t fix everything but heck I try, really hard.
I’m needy. Part of me tries to satisfy everyone else so that way they love me. I want to be loved so badly that I push myself to extremes. I hate when people leave me out and it really hits me so hard. People don’t understand that.
I’m a pain. I hate talking about my real feelings. If something is honestly hurting me you might be able to tell but I will rarely tell anyone. I will brush it off with a “I’m fine, really.” And just hope to god that whoever it may be will just give in, but yet on the inside I am dying for someone to care and actually find out what is wrong. I know that’s contradictory but I guess I feel like the less people that actually try, the less people that actually care.
I’m scared. And quite frankly it’s terrible. I get afraid walking into rooms where I know no one. I get afraid when talking to certain people that other people might not like it. I’m afraid that no one cares about me besides my mom, and I’m afraid that I’m never going to be good enough.
I’m a fool. I get into situations easily. I believe everything I hear. I trust everyone. And I give my admiration to people all too easily.
I’m lovesick. I’m obsessive sometimes when I want something. I bend easily and allow other people to dictate my moods. I let things that shouldn’t affect me sometimes hit me harder than the things that should. Some may call this super sensitive, and I know I am. You can hate it or love it but it’s a part of me.
I’m hardly driven. I let things get in my way all too often. I back down because of fear and because of what people will say or think. I have no confidence in myself what so ever.
I’m a hard worker. I honestly put everything I have into the things I love. Whether it be people or school or whatever hobby I take on. I get attached and I do everything I can for the people in my life and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I’m a dreamer. I have dreams in my head that are so insane and high above what I think I am capable of. I lay awake at night just thinking of the future a million story lines are in my head at any given time for my life, or the ones around me.
I’m forgetful. In school a light switch flicks on and I am superwomen. I manage my time wisely and do everything I need to do and then some. I walk home and the switch goes off and I can barely keep routine. I forget things constantly, my dad could ask me to do something and a second later I totally forget what he asked me.
I’m this mixed person with mixed emotions and being stable isn’t exactly my forte. My emotions are wild, but that’s only the person everyone sees. I think to really know someone you have to do much much more than just see. That is something that I try to do with every person that I meet. Its heartbreakingly painful and I know I have a lot to learn and acquire but I really can’t complain. I’m at a place in my life that I don’t really understand yet, but for now I’m trying. Maybe that’s my problem I am only trying.
Lindsey Craig- a pinch of insanity
a dash of drive
a cup of dreams
two tablespoon of foolishness
a teaspoon of being naïve
add a handful of imagination
plus a little negativity that I try to escape as much as possible.
Stir it all together in a bowl and put it in the oven for an hour at 350.
Morgan, ketchup was pretty much the only way those burgers were edible :).
Linds, your blog was really beautiful. I know that people say that "you tried, and that's what's important," but I get the feeling that trying just doesn't cut it sometimes. But sometimes you just have to let go, you know? There's only so much one person can do. Sometimes, YOU need to be the nurtered one.
If that wasn't what you were trying to say, just completely ignore this post.
Lindsey<3-
"I’m a nurturer. I bleed when others bleed, and I do everything I possibly can to stop the bleeding before it happens. This makes me incredibly obsessive and heartbroken most of my life because well in life you can’t fix everything but heck I try, really hard."
You couldn't have said it better. Your blog is 100% you, no less. Honestly, if I were to read it and it was anonymously written, you would definitely be my first guess, my dear. It may be because I feel I know you quite well, but also because of the cute little cooking definition at the end :). You are definitely a nurturer. Where ever a friend is in need, you are always available and there to help--which is a really good thing. Myself as well as many others know you are there for them to take the bullet, or at least try your best. This does, in turn, affect you negatively sometimes, but you are THE Lindsey Craig. Enough said.
Your heart is in the right place, girl, don't worry!
Linds
I really liked your definition. I was both funny and really good. When reading your blog there were parts where i found myself agreeing completely with what you said especially the "must help others" part. I know how you feel when you said you feel heartbroken because you can't fix everything but you try. Same here . I hate to see people upset and try endlessly to help the fell better or fix their situation. I am definitely what you would call officious (hmm, where have I heard that word before??). I don't think this should be considered a downfall but maybe a helpful hinderance or some type of other oxymoron. But back to you...Overall, I really enjoyed your blog.
Sarah C:
First of all, I now remember the ketchup incident (thanks Morgan)
Second, your entire post was awesome and hilarious. I think i finally realize how much I miss your personality during 9/10
Third, I agree, mounds of ketchup was the only way to make those burgers editable :)
Eva:
Your writing is truly something I envy. It is beautiful. It seems so distant but yet so close. Do you know what I mean? Even though how you say what you mean may be light-years either ahead or behind of your time, you make it seem like it should be how we all speak. Does that make sense? What I am trying to say is your writing amazes me, whatever it is about. I think you could be the apotheosis of beautiful writing.
That's all for now, but...I will be back!
This blog entry reminds me of the scene in the movie Anger Management when Dave (Adam Sandler) has to attend an anger management class for the first time, and the instructor Buddy, (Jack Nicholson) says to him, "So Dave, tell us about yourself, who are you?"
Dave: "well, I'm an executive assistant at a major pet products company-"
He's interrupted by Buddy, who says, "Dave, I don't want you to tell us what you do, I want you to tell us WHO you are."
Dave: "oh. All right. I'm a pretty good guy. I like playing tennis on occasion-"
once again, he is interrupted by Buddy who says, "Also, not your hobbies Dave. Just simple: tell us WhO you are."
Dave: "I just.. maybe you could give me an example of what a good answer would be?"
After not getting an example, he attempts to try to answer it again, "I'm a nice, easy-going man... I might be a little indecisive at times-"
Again, he's interrupted by Buddy, " Dave, you're describing your personality. I want to know who you are."
Finally, Dave explodes and yells, "I don't know what the hell you want me to say!"
Every time I would see this part of the movie, I'd think, "What DOES he want him to say? How can you even answer that?" and now I'm forced to find an answer.
I think I am a regular human being, with no more rights than anyone; no better than anyone. Labels, job titles, and such separate people into different categories, some thinking they are superior to others, but when our titles and names are stripped off: we are all the same, we are all equal.
I am just another human being, placed on this earth in order to take a test, a placement test, which will determine whether I deserve to go to heaven or end up in hell. This life is short. This life is temporary; therefore it does not matter who I am now, but it matters how I act and where I'll get to spend the eternal life which follows this expeditious one.
I can't thoroughly answer this question, for I feel I'm too young and inexperienced. If I strip away all my titles, virtues, abilities, beliefs... (which I never would have thought to do), I am left naked. I'm left with nothing. I've always thought those things were what made a person who they were.
I cant imagine what a legitimate answer could be for this arduous, back-breaking question, so I hope I somewhat stuck to the topic and made sense.
:)
Tamari:
I like your answer...especially the part about the "placement test". I have often consider this life to be exactly what you described! But i liked the other parts of the blog, too. Your view is not one I expected to see either. I'm glad I did though :) I hope this makes sense and comes of as more congratulatory then condemning.
Jon- i would really like to hear your epic blog post that didn't make it all because i think that even if i couldn't fully grasp it i think it would be just amazing to read.
Have you ever had one of those nights where you just can’t seem to fall asleep? You find yourself staring up at the dark ceiling, wondering about everything and anything. You try to pin point who you are and what you are aspiring to be as a person, but words seem to evade your mind. More frequently these days, this has been a reoccurring event. I have been laying in bed unable to have sleep take over, even though I am tired and have been longing all day to be tucked away in my warm, cuddly blankets, my mind still wanders.
The question “Who Am I?” has been frequent this year, I guess it kind of coincides with college and stuff like that because of getting an idea of a major I might want to pursue. This freaks me out because I have no idea! I want to be successful in whatever I do, but I need to build up the motivation to go and achieve it; the problem is that I just don’t know where I want to be in ten years. Lately whenever someone asks me what I want to be when I am older, I give my standard answer of “a television broadcaster, or like an anchor on the Today Show or something.” I have gotten various responses from that, the negative ones just make me want to do it more, but that answer has gotten so routine sounding that I don’t even know if it is true. I admire people who are so driven that they know what they want to do and have the rest of their lives planned out because honestly I’m nervous. I don’t have a plan and it scares me. Everything in my life has been so routine and familiar that I am scared of when I get thrown out on my own. I don’t know how I am going to handle that if I don’t even know what I want in life yet.
There are so many things I want to be that I think it covers up who I really am. I want to be a great friend to everyone, smart and funny, a great daughter, a great girlfriend, a caring sister, and all that good stuff but am I? Can I be all that but still be my true self deep down or are these things part of what I truly am?
I guess a summary of things I do know about me for sure would be-
I am Morgan Cullers. I am indecisive and nervous for the future. I don’t know where I want to be in ten years and am scared to even think about leaving Oakcrest. I want to be driven and motivated but I am really all talk and never put any effort into doing it. I want to go far in life and have big dreams, but need to find the desire to make them a reality. I am stubborn and set in my ways. I love routines and schedules because it is something that you know won’t usually change. The regularity of my life is something that keeps me grounded. When things get all chaotic I don’t know how to handle things. I keep it cool on the outside so I don’t appear upset, but on the inside it is usually a flurry of emotions and feelings that cannot be tamed.
I yearn for the company of people and hate being by myself, though I am pretty shy and takes me awhile to warm up to people. I am hesitant of telling people too much information about myself or telling them secrets because I am nervous it will come back to bite me; yet I put way too much trust in humanity. I want to see the good in everyone and I sometimes trust people too quickly because I want to believe that they are the person I think they are.
I don’t like movies like The Notebook because I believe that real life is not that perfect and it makes me angry that it isn’t. I love the idea of love and everything that goes along with it, but it terrifies me because it seems too easy to get hurt. I have been hurt before and even though my life has taken a turn for the better, the pain that someone caused me still seems to linger once in awhile. I like to cry at movies, even though I never do because I don’t like to look like a softie. I like to dress up and make myself look pretty because it makes me feel better on the inside. Does that make me shallow? I don’t really know.. I want to just go crazy sometimes and not follow the image that I have built around myself, or that was built by others. Sometimes I just want to do something out of the ordinary and rebel, like dye my hair some outrageous color or eccentric like that, but I am nervous of what others (friends, peers, parents..) would think or say about me. I don’t know what these things say about me, but what I do know is this is part of who I am. The rest I have yet to discover.
Morgan Cullers (n.) -
The state of being confused and indecisive, while also restless and always wanting something more.
I wish I could describe myself through various words or phrases, but I simply do not think it’ll do me any justice. Even my difficulty with rhythm, clarity and word choice doesn’t compare to how complicated it will be to describe myself without writing a novel. Minus the stereotypes, labels and/or specific adjectives used to describe most people, I feel it is necessary to start where we all once began and move on from there—our childhood.
Why, how, when, and where are some of the questions that I would annoy my parents with. Ever since I was able to hold things in my hand, I wondered how they worked and their purpose in our world. At a young age, I found a love for animals that never really left me. In elementary school, I never stopped asking questions.
As I have revealed in previous blogs, my parents have been divorced for almost as long as I can remember. Because of this, I’ve grown a shell—not an “I’m so shy I stare at the floor when I walk” shell—because I’m definitely not shy, but an invisible one that formed itself on my face that hides my deepest feelings. Even my closest of friends can’t tell how I’m really feeling some days, I’ve been told. It’s involuntary, I swear.
I hardly had “girlfriends” when I was growing up. I played sports that didn’t require jumping up and down screaming “GO TEAM GO” in a mini skirt. So I didn’t dress very lady-like or do girly things for most of grade school.
In middle school, I went through my odd stages, but that’s typical for girls during that time, I believe. Not to mention I left my hometown and moved to one where I had nobody. I changed my look a bit, learned what it’s like to be a GIRL, and had a first love. They were a few rough years, but definitely attributed to who I am today.
All of this has brought me here to the place where I started when I sat down at my desk. I’m 16, closer to 17, in high school, and haven’t quite figured myself out yet. But this is what I know: I have a great group of friends that branch off in many directions who keep me sane each day. I’m independent. My life revolves around sports. I have trouble making decisions. I’m fairly confident. Sometimes I care too much and sometimes I don’t care enough. I always have a positive outlook on something and try to find the best in situations. I can get very emotional if something truly hits home. I’m really young at heart. I’m selfish sometimes. I love goofing off but can be serious at the right times. I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I have a devoted boyfriend, a puppy that drives me crazy, and a family that does the same.
But my family only has half a clue of who I really am inside. Not that they haven’t tried to find out more, I’ve just let them obtain the bare-minimum information at this point. They see the very dedicated student-athlete everyday that goes by doing her own thing. They see when things make her really upset, really happy, and really angry more than others because she’s conveniently located in the same house hold. They witness her maturing mentally, physically, and emotionally each day. (This only goes for my mom and brother, of course). However, does this mean they know the real me? No, because I don’t even fully know myself.
As for my friends, they probably have even less of a clue, despite a select few. I’m not saying I’m fake or completely un-real at all, but I don’t think many people, including myself on occasion, take the time to really learn about a person. We see what’s on the outside and some of what’s on the inside and are happy with what we have found and stop there. I can assure you, there is so much more to someone than what you get from a quick glance.
All of this combined is an ounce of me on paper. Minus my looks, my voice, and my usual gestures, you hopefully have and idea of who I am and what I will become.
Sara Katherine Volk-Perez-[Sa-ruh-Kah-thur-rin-Vol-k-Pur-rez] (noun)- a growing girl filled with flaws who is just trying to make something out of herself, who cares about the people close to her, and uses her experiences to try to make better decisions that will improve herself and those around her.
Morgan:
Your response was amazingly well written. I couldn't stop reading it and when it was finish I really wanted to continue reading. I enjoyed your description of yourself. I can understand the apprehension because I fell the same way; it is scary to think of leaving the safe sanctuary that we have become used to over the years. It is hard to even think about ten year from now let alone 2 that could potentially change our entire life...i shuddered to think about it.
I enjoyed your other descriptions as well, most of which I could relate to or at least empathize with.
***************************************************
Now, after reading so many other peoples responses, I think I might be able to more precisely answer the question but still, how can I possibly know who I am at 17!? I know what I like, how I feel, how I live ( according to my virtues), and how I am categorized by achievement and ranks but most of that I can't use so...I'm still at a little bit of a loss. And as Tamari said: "If I strip away all my titles, virtues, abilities, beliefs... (which I never would have thought to do), I am left naked. I'm left with nothing. I've always thought those things were what made a person who they were." So, I am still confused but not as much. No one really needs to read this it really is a rant to myself ;)
BTW, the other day my mom was watching Oprah and I happened to overhear what they were talking about on the show and strangely they were talking about being you, pleasing you, discovering who you are, and many other things closely related to our blog...hmm, maybe she gets her show ideas from here!! I doubt it, but it was an odd "coincidence".
Matty W:
thanks, and i realize that it was a compliment and not "condemning".lol..and it DID make sense
But i am surprised that you've also considered life as a "placement test"I could've sworn I was the only one
Tamari:
You are definitely not alone in your opinion, however, i have so many theories on what "this life" could be it is ridiculous. But one of the most prevalent ones is the placement test but that discussion is for another time ;) Maybe it will be a blog: "what are your theories on this life?..."
Morgan :)-
I love the way you introduced how you were going to go about this blog. All of us can relate to a sleepless night awake in bed which was a great opening. The rest was great too, but your first sentence ("Have you ever had one of those nights where you just can’t seem to fall asleep?") really caught my attention!
Sarah C:
"Sometimes I put on the dress from my eighth grade dinner dance to watch TV."
lol,that's HILARIOUS and ridiculously random
lol
although I don't watch tv in it, i admit that I do put on the dress from my 8th grade dinner dance sometimes..why?i dont know, it's just there, and tempting
...its good to know I'm not the only one out there who still owns her 8th grade dinner dance dress
lol
Tamari--
Your blog really stuck out from the others to me. I loved your comparison of the movie (which is a really good movie, too) to your feelings pondering this question. "Who am I" isn't easy to answer because, like you said, we're too young and inexperienced. I put much consideration into everything you said, well, besides the religious part, but you made a lot of really good points.
I particularly loved your paragraph:
"I can't thoroughly answer this question, for I feel I'm too young and inexperienced. If I strip away all my titles, virtues, abilities, beliefs... (which I never would have thought to do), I am left naked. I'm left with nothing. I've always thought those things were what made a person who they were."
This is actually really true now that I think of it. What we do, all our titles, our abilities, beliefs, etc. without them who are we? We're naked, nothing, equal to the very next stripped down person. Those characteristics build up and make a person who they are. It doesn't have to be apparent, but it's still a layer of you.
Anyway, good job =D
*Deep breath in through the nose to the diaphragm hold 1 2 3 Out slowly through the mouth 2 3 4 5 6... repeat. then read* enjoy :)
Do they really know?
Well to that I’d have to take the deep answer of… yes and no. Some of my acquaintances have an uncanny ability to know what I’m thinking and tell me – often before I know myself. However to these people I comment that my thoughts do not make up the entirety of my being. A large part of me is a mystery to myself, so perhaps you have better insight to it than I do, as I have a rather biased opinion. Other people are not privy to my inner workings and they are often more relaxing than the ones who are. Few things relax me better than listening to someone else blather on about their life, good or bad, while my own problems stew in my head. It is easier to avoid my feelings when I’m paying attention to someone else’s. Naming something (a feeling, a fish) effectively kills it. What happened to most fish that were named in the blog about pets – they died shortly their after.
More importantly – do I know myself?
I know parts of myself better than I know other parts of myself. Then again I often feel that I don’t know myself at all. However, I’ve know myself for 16 (almost 17) years, that’s a long time to interact with someone and not know them. I know that I’m different that I was, but I don’t know exactly what to think of the ‘new me.’ This person is strange –
favorite food: mac ‘n cheese before: steak and potatoes
favorite pastime: what time? before: reading
Life Goals: Umm… Something fun?! Before: college, $, kids?
Of course the old preferences still apply but they have been overshadowed by the bigger, better, stronger preferences of today. I relate to myself less and less, but I’m becoming the person I want to be. This scares me slightly because I’m a procrastinator at heart. I wait until the last minute to get things done and then do my work with a lot of pressure, but it still comes out fine. The problem with this view of life is that I now only work well under extreme pressure.
Who am I? that’s a good question and if anyone has the CliffsNotes to the answer, I’d like them – partially to know, but I’d probably stop half-way through, and partially to keep others from knowing.
A- A girl looking for others
L- looks like her mom
I- Invisible to others
S-searching for the same things in the same places
O- Only me
N- Never quite sure
B- bookish (if I had time)
C- caring for all
A- around a lot but rarely there
R- really really confused
S- soon to be “band mom”
O- Opps! You lapped me again
N- Now we’re don and I hope that counts as a definition.
Inside I’m a stronghold of information that I lost the key to. No one to blame but me, I feel like Helen Keller, alone in a world that everyone else understands.
Ally
I hope this answered all of the questions, if it didn't I'm a little too drained to do more.
Jon -
Ok, I'm saving my comment for later. I want to see if anyone's gorgeous on the inside.
this comment struck me for some reason, thanks.
Sarah C-
I've gotta say I think your comments depicted you in a unique way that is 'sarah.' you do that a lot, it's great.
Linds - I deleted it, I am ever so sorry. But do not worry, for I might write another one just to satisfy Bunje.
Tamari - I think that Jack Nicholson was just trying to get a rise out of Sandler. It was an exercise in controlling one's self in a situation of frustration. (I've done a couple years of anger management myself.)
Sarah Crane - That was heavy. (you better get the allusion. no hints, either).
Warrener - You made a line out of stars. That is so sick that you have no idea how sick it is. I now have newfound respect for you. I think that no one should be allowed to use the star-line unless you give them permission.
I hereby put in the first request for permission to use the star line.
Alright, I'm gonna listen to Nickel Creek/S&G and read some early Ginsberg material (even the best fall in rhyme sometime) to get in a mood that'll let me "Free my mind." Ta ta for now.
I'd just like to say, now that I'm done this my mood has changed completely making the answers to this almost completely different.
Anyone else have this problem?
Answering the question “who are you” isn’t as simple as writing an about me for MySpace or Facebook. I’ve always wondered how I am perceived through the eyes of another person. If for one day I could just switch places with someone and feel and think the way they do about me… Nevertheless, I could still probably guess what most people think about me. But I will assume that most people are completely wrong. I put a “front” up, an ideal of what people expect of me. A part of that I feel truly is part of me. I am “nice” (sorry for using that word but bear with me), hard working, courteous, etc… But like you said Bunje, that’s not all that I am.
It is true that I try to please most people, usually over pleasing myself. I enjoy the gratification of people knowing that I am kind and caring. Yet, I can see why act the ways I do now. I want people to perceive me as the best person that I can possibly be. But I can’t help but admit that there are times that I put this perception to shame. At home, I lose my temper easily, I am impatient, and I can be quite selfish. All of which yields actions that my family must suffer through. I always wonder: “If only my friends knew…” Why do I act this way? I don’t know. Maybe I’m shallow. Maybe I want the approval of my friends so badly that I’m willing to please them all. But deep down, I can honestly say that that’s not true.
How do I know? Well, it’s because every time I help out a friend, I know that I just made their day a little bit easier. And I find satisfaction in that. I find an indescribable sense of peace. At the beginning of the year, I was able to attend a Christian Athletes meeting here at the Oak. In the middle of the meeting, Mr. Monroe said something that really struck me. He said that every person has the potential to change someone’s life. Just think about a person who is constantly being bullied and who’s having a really hard time in school. One day, why don’t you flash them a smile? Because that one smile might just change their life. They might be just able to go through the day knowing that someone is thinking of them or they might just continue living their life instead of doing something drastic to hurt themselves. I like to think this way- that we are all here to make each other’s life a little bit easier.
Don’t get me wrong though. I am not always this optimistic. I, like many others, also have fears, doubts, and my own judgments. Due to such fear, doubts, and judgments, I usually keep my personal and dramatic emotions to myself. I always try to prevent myself from crying in front of people and the times that I have has hardly been close to a full out bawl. But at home, when I am alone with no chance for people’s sympathy, I can honestly say that I have cried to the point that it hurts. To the point when I questioned if I would be classified as “depressed.” And this occurs more often than I would like. There are times when I find myself talking to myself. But not just a short statement I’m saying under breath. Most of the time, I’m saying things I want to say to other people or that I wish I had said. For a short period after having a conversation with an imaginary person, I think that I am crazy- literally, crazy! Delusional! A whack job! When these moments occur, I can’t help, but wonder is something wrong with me?
So, do people know me? Probably not. Do I know myself? Probably not. But this is all that I know. This is all that I have to give.
Kelly Nguyen (noun): A girl trying to make a mark in the world who’s chalk full of hidden emotions but ready to completely burst out of her protective shield and at the same time, mold into all that she can be.
"Bitch I'm me, I'm me, I'm me, I'm me.
Baby I'm me, so who you? Your not me, your not me.
And I know that ain't fair, but I don't care..."
- Lil' Wayne
Ever since about sixth grade I have sat and pondered this question at the end of every day. "Who am I?" I've come to realize it isn't a question that can be answered just by throwing out one set of nouns or adjectives, because the inner person that makes up Jordan Colbert is much more than what adjectives can give justice for. It's not just me though, for I'm sure that every single person in this class can say that just listing adjectives won't really capture the essence of what they are trying to convey about themselves. After I began asking this question of myself, I gradually decided that it would be to my benefit if I could try to do the same for others. Everyone's actions can be broken down to show their inner self, it just takes a little work to unearth the truth. There are only two ways to truly figure out who someone really is: incite fear that they are about to die or spend numerous amounts of hours with them alone and in public. Some people go through their public lives constantly putting on this facade of one person, when in reality they are nothing of the sort. And once you spend an ample amount of time with them, the illusion begins to flicker right before your very eyes, until you've learned enough about them to understand their thoughts and reasoning behind doing things almost better than they can. From there you don't even see the mirage they create, but you see them in their purest form. Now onward to the question.
No, most people I talk to don't really know who I am. Actually I think there are only three people in the world that know me for what I truly am. It's not because I present an alternative personality to the world, but because they don't take the time to listen carefully. Almost everyone I've ever encountered has yet to pick up that whenever I talk, excluding answering questions for school, my diction is laced with my personality. But people take my words for their face value and never see the real me escaping secretively from my mouth. It's as if people's brains are these giant filters that are suppose to catch all the words and decipher their meanings, but when my words come floating to the filter the words stop but the real meaning slides through the tiny holes in the filter and leaves their brain through the other side of their head. My words aren't the only things that people don't tend to pay to much attention to, but my actions speak volumes about who I am. These I think are never given any thoughts except "wow that was stupid/smart of him." In reality though, I do things the way I do them because I try to show who I am, regardless of whether the thing I'm doing is wise or not. The closest thing I can think of to explain it is the way suicidal people who don't truly want to commit suicide tell someone they want to end their life. They are trying to tell the person that they want help so they don't kill themselves, but they are reticent with saying it. What I'm trying to get at is that practically no one knows who I truly am, only from a lack of attention to detail for my words and actions.
On the other hand, I know a portion of who I am. I don't know the whole thing from lack of attention to my own consciousness, since I have yet to reflect on every little nuance of my life's actions. For a while, I sat in my chair saying to myself "if my entire life was upended right now and I couldn't do the things I normally do, what would be left of me?" And I've come up with a couple of adjectives that can explain the enigma that is known as Jordan.
First I'd like to say that I am me, which is the most justice that can be done by lumping all the fractions of my inner self together. I'm not a specific label or noun that people would associate with someone, and I never will be. One clear-cut adjective can not provide the justification needed to explain the many intricacies of my deeper personality, so to bring them all together forces me to say that whatever this new summation (sigma for my fellow calculus losers :) ) is, is the definition of who I truly am.
Second, I have decided to say a few of the adjectives in this giant hodgepodge of words that show this inner person of mine. I am Jack's dark need to be negative. I'm fastidious and greedy for starters. Never will I be satisfied that what I have will be enough for me to be happy. You give me a billion dollars and I'll want a billion and one dollars. Give me someone that makes me happy, and I will want more than happiness from them. Give me knowledge, and I'll want to know more about the subject. Someone could give me the entire world, and I would end up wanting the moon along with it. You could literally kill my entire family and my revenge would never be able to be quenched, even if I found the worst punishment and torture available for the person. If you destroyed my home and I had to live on the streets at first I'd want a blanket, then I'd want a bed, and then a pillow, and so on never stopping. Like you said Bunje, it is something that I am all the time regardless of what is going on in my life.
I am Jack's raging drive. Moreover I'm driven. There is nothing in my life I eventually can't get if I want it bad enough, because literally nothing will stand in my way. Other's feelings, lives, or morals will not stop me. If it came down to the absolute only way for me to achieve my goal is to hurt someone emotionally or physically, I could and would do it to make sure I got to what I truly wanted. Time itself can not stand in my way. People have said that there is simply not enough time to do things, but there if you want it bad enough you can force time to bend to your will and make it happen. When I want something badly enough I will succeed regardless of the time constraints placed upon me, because I will spit in the face of Father Time to ensure my goal is accomplished. Now I know in my own head this raises questions of "would you break laws for something?" Yes, if I want it that badly that I will literally die without it, I will break the law. It's a good thing I don't want anything, except to succeed, that badly though.
I am Jack's burning passion. No need to be redundant here.When I care about something, which despite what it may seem, on the inside I truly care about it. If something makes its way into my "I Care" category it rarely makes its way out, similar to gang-mentality. I will spend days, months, and sometimes even years working on a certain project of my life if I end up truly caring about it. It will easily become my life if it becomes that important to me. This passion can not be extinguished despite the many difficult hardships that are usually experienced along with it. If you flipped my life on its head my passion would still burgeon in the midst of the new stormy monsoon that has become my new existence. I would be able to do nothing but burn with passion to act out against and eventually remedy this new hell life has put me in.
The dictionary definition would almost be utterly impossible to create, unless you would accept the definition of "me." A person would be forced to list every single adjective that would encompass their true being, which could take days. From the information I have discovered so far about my inner being my definition would look like this so far:
Jordan Colbert- a fastidious and greedy individual who is forcefully driven by a sense of wants and is excessively passionate towards them. With more to come.
Linds-
"I’m a nurturer. I bleed when others bleed, and I do everything I possibly can to stop the bleeding before it happens. This makes me incredibly obsessive and heartbroken most of my life because well in life you can’t fix everything but heck I try, really hard."
It's this about you that makes it so easy for people to explain their problems to you. Hell, there's been many a time when you've "bled" with me over my problems. This is in some ways a curse and a blessing for you though. Like you said your left incredibly obsessive and heartbroken because you can't help everyone, which is the curse part considering your now shouldering pain for your friends and family, and obviously this weighs down on your own happiness. It's a blessing though due to the fact that in this modern world of people looking out for themselves, you are looking out for everyone but yourself. It's almost as if you have your own little weapon to deal with all the pain in the world.
Matty W!!!!
As always, a good blog. I can understand how lost you are. We are young and we have been trained to be robots. Ever since we were young, we have been put through the same routine, and called the same names. We never question who we are inside or out. It's the sad truth. But some people have a pretty good idea of who we are. We're human. I know, that's a vague definition, but I believe that about answers it. I am weird.
I also feel bad for you. Your family should the one who has the biggest idea about who you are. They are with you most of your life and have seen the changes and the flaws. This should give them the most idea of what you are like, right? I'm not sure, but I'm glad that you have people who know you a bit. That's a good thing. But I was just wondering... why would you think that there's an evil entity inside you? You're a kind and helpful person! You shouldn't think that you might not be on the inside!!!
Oh, and I believe there could be a difference between "Who are you?" and "Who are you inside?" depending on the response. If the response is the same for both, I suppose, you could say there is no difference. However, I think that "Who are you?" is more based on what you see yourself on the outside and "Who are you inside?" is more the mental perspective? o.o; I don't know, you're probably right. There could be no difference.
Also, nice definition. It's a bit long, but I think that it gives me a bit of insight into you. Yep yep, overall, it was a good blog!
JORDAN-
I am Jack's raging drive. Moreover I'm driven. There is nothing in my life I eventually can't get if I want it bad enough, because literally nothing will stand in my way. Other's feelings, lives, or morals will not stop me. If it came down to the absolute only way for me to achieve my goal is to hurt someone emotionally or physically, I could and would do it to make sure I got to what I truly wanted. Time itself can not stand in my way. People have said that there is simply not enough time to do things, but there if you want it bad enough you can force time to bend to your will and make it happen. When I want something badly enough I will succeed regardless of the time constraints placed upon me, because I will spit in the face of Father Time to ensure my goal is accomplished. Now I know in my own head this raises questions of "would you break laws for something?" Yes, if I want it that badly that I will literally die without it, I will break the law. It's a good thing I don't want anything, except to succeed, that badly though.
Well Jordan, great fight club allusion because i know its your favorite movie. And what you said here i know for a fact i true. I like to think I'm close enough to you to say that you will get what you want or die trying. You are so incredibly driven and its something i admire in you. You honestly take everything that is given to you and make the best of it and your determined in way that i can only imagine. You have a focus and drive that i am truly envious of but because its you i love you for it :]
So I have tried to put off this blog for as long as possible, basically afraid to look within myself. The experiences in my life have definitely changed who I am as a person, both in good and maybe not the best ways. Most of my friends, almost all of them, don’t really know who I am. I will always have the secrets of mine, which make me who I am. None of my friends really know what I am thinking during the stressful times, or what makes me truly happy. It is because, as most people do, I put up a façade. I am known as the swimmer, the sarcastic one, that smart girl. But I walk around doing things, which have been a habit to me, to hide who I truly am from others. My sarcasm is most likely hiding both my insecurities within myself and the shyness around new people I meet. I swim, but that is not who I am. I am not a swimmer; I am a girl who swims. I know that I am the reason people don’t really know who I am. I put up a wall. I don’t tell others how I truly feel in certain situations, and trust me; I don’t do it because I know it can help me in life. It is who I am; I am guarded; afraid to get close to someone, in fear of what they might to do me. People in my life have hurt me. Hurt me so terribly that I doubt any of you will ever have to go through such an experience. But because of that time in my life, I changed. I find it hard to trust someone. Because when I tell someone a secret, a detail about my life, what will they do with that precious piece of my heart? It is human nature for people to be mean and competitive, and I don’t want my secret to get out because of the mistakes of others.
Do I know myself? Absolutely not. I am one that whole-heartedly believes in the motto, “everything you say you mean, even during your worst times.” When people joke or say something incredibly rude, there is always part of that statement in which they honestly believe. Because of this, I have looked back at the things I have said, and am surprised to see the person I am. I am not perfect, nowhere near it. But I hate letting myself down. I hate letting others down, especially when I know I am capable of more. I am very emotional. My friends in school might not know this, but my swimming friends, and the people that are really close to me know, I cry. I cry a lot. I have come to realize, that when I begin to cry about something, it is sort of a release. I am no longer crying about just that one situation, but about everything that I have kept inside of me for so long. When my mom and I got into a car accident, I cried. But even two hours later, I was still crying, not because of the accident, but because of the experiences I have faced during my life.
I don’t think I will ever really know myself. I will always be surprised by the impulse reactions that I have. The offhanded comments that I make, the things I think while walking down the hall, the situations that I put myself in, it will be during those moments where I will slowly discover who I am evolving into.
I love sitting at home on a Sunday, watching movies, eating chocolate, and being by myself. Devon and I have had this conversation just a while back, I don’t like going out. I like being by myself or with my family. I think I like this because those are the only times where I don’t have to be what people expect me to be.
I am very competitive, but at the same time, I am afraid of the pain that comes with working hard. In swimming, I want to win. I want to dive in the water, and feel amazing. But to do that, I have to work hard at practice. And I hate doing that. I may be the swimmer that pumps everyone else up, but inside I dread when I is my turn to step onto the block.
I don’t know if I have explained enough. I am a bit overwhelmed, because this is the first time that a teacher has ever asked me to look deeply within myself. But when I take away the labels, the molds that I work to fit it, I am me. Who me is, that is the question.
Molly Gondolf- The introvert in an extrovert’s body. The girl who doubts everything around her, and who will seemingly never share who she really is with the people around her.
Sarah!!!!!!
Although I already told you in class, I truly LOVED your blog. I was laughing for a good five minutes after I read it. I could see you walking to your room and count how many books you have, and by the way, over 300 books is amazing. I love that you sit at home in your dress, watching television. Because I too, enjoying being alone watching hours of movies at end. But what really was adorable was the definition of you. “ A natural contradiction.” You really put into words what many of us are.
Around the beginning of my teenage years, I began to associate myself with older people. Whether I was dating an older guy or becoming best friends with a girl who is already in college. I felt most comfortable interacting with people who weren't my age that at least seemed to have so much life experience under their belt. They felt the same way about me, but really their thoughts meant nothing because they really knew nothing about me or how I became the way I did. I tend to relate relationships to the kind of philosophy (whether it’s a friendship relationship or the normal relationship between a significant other) that everyone is like a chapter book. My mother and step father led me to believe this, and I continued my thoughts on this simile. Everyone has different periods or chapters in their life and to fully understand someone or the "book", you really have to read each chapter, in between the lines, and make your own inferences. I guess this belief that I've had for years now allowed me to understand and communicate to others. It also led me to becoming a psychology dork who loves to “people watch“. Yah I can be that creeper that sits in restaurants a lone observing every move you watch. I could do that while not being uncomfortable or feeling awkward like many would feel.
The only person who knows who you are is yourself. I'd like to say my parents know me best, but they really don't. Sometimes they surprise me by telling me how I feel, but other times I scare myself when analyzing how I react or how I feel towards a situation or someone. I've always came across as the girl who knows what she wants out of life or at least I try to put that veneer on. I’m sure of myself and my beliefs, but really insecurities drown me. I'm never indecisive on huge decisions, but always on the normal, diminutive ones like what I'm going to wear or what I'll eat. Even what I'm doing for the day's activities, I have an agenda. Now that I drive, I map out where I'm going and who I'm seeing. I'm never really spontaneous. Although, I wish I was at times. I feel as if I know who I am and I know what direction I'm going well enough to say I have a grasp on how the world will react to me when I get out into the "real world/environment/on my own". However, I know I'm still growing and changing. The change will always be welcomed and never feared because like the big poster board quote says in my room "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing" Helen Keller.
A lot of people that I’ve gotten close to always told me before they spoke to me they thought I was the quite girl who may seem like a snobby witch. Just yesterday my manager thought I was a girl who was obsessed with image who couldn’t be articulate, but I surprised him by having a continuous conversation about Paganism, Christianity, World War II, and conspiracies. Last year Mr. Costal told me I’m a genuine person, which I feel I’m very true to who I am inside and true to others. I’m extremely independent and I’ve never fit into a clique or a group of people. I think my childhood experiences led me to being this independent and being sure of who I am. Growing up as an only child, not interacting with kids, losing a parent, having three half sisters who are 10-20 years older than you, and experiencing deception from many forced me to become very reliant on myself. It would be so nice to find stability in someone and to feel as if having stability in some sort of relationship will help ease life’s problems.. But I’m not stable at all. If anyone knows anything about astrology.. I’m a scorpio. Their personality traits reflect who I am. I’m “nice” and tolerate anyone, but the moment I feel betrayed I retaliate in the most hurtful way possible.
Toni- a magnetic, kind person who welcomes change and people to walk in and out of her life, but yearns for stability in at least one person.
Whew... this is not something that I really feel right doing. It is my
own, personal opinion that you can never fully summarize a person no
matter how many words you use or how great of a writer you are. There
are simply somethings that exist in this world that cannot be fully
comprehended with words: faith, emotion, personal awareness... no
matter how pretty or how long, these things are meant to be felt for
oneself, not to be shared bluntly with others. How we view ourselves
is something that cannot be shared entirely with others. Sometimes, in
our minds, we can comprehend what is happening to ourselves and we can
understand what or who or why we are that which we are, but this is not
something that we can fully express with the written or spoken
language; we will always leave out or overlook or miss some important
detail, decision, moment, or thought that helps make us us. WE are
human; it is our nature to question and search for the how's and when's
and where's and why's, but that does not mean that we will find or
understand our answers.
It is with a heavy conscious and weighted heart that I try to explain
what and who and why I am this creature that everyone sees before them
when I, myself, cannot fully understand or even begin to comprehend the
beautiful, wondrous, horrible, and terrifying creature that I have
grown to call myself, fully aware that no matter what or how long I
write I cannot even begin to breach the surface of my spiritual and
corporeal being. In the words of God Himself as he spoke to Moses in
the wilderness of Egypt, "I Am that which I Am." I hope that what I am
able to write will do slight justice to the question.
To get the basics out of the way, I am a female. I am a blonde. I am
an AP student. I am a gymnast. I am a writer, an artist, a singer,
and a dancer. I am someone not afraid to stand out in a crowd. I am
not afraid to ask the difficult and awkward questions. I do not fear
the dark or strangers or monsters or pain. I am a daughter, a teacher,
a student, a sister, a master, a servant, and a friend. I am a
religious person who is not afraid to mix science and the Bible to
create a new meaning. I am someone who is not afraid to stand up for
what is right but am also someone not ashamed to admit that I do sin
and can understand the reasons for why people do things that are wicked
and hurtful. I am someone who believes that no one is fully beyond
forgiveness an worthy of a second chance to do good. I am a person who
cannot comprehend the purpose of hate and has never hated another
human, creature or thing that has wronged me. I am a person that
cares about the environment and the planet and the creatures that dwell
inside of it. Those are the basics. Now onto the things that really
make me, me.
I am an optimist dressed in the outlook and styles of a pessimist: I
hope too much for the good in people and in life that I am always
disappointed in what ends up happening, no matter what it is. Due to
this, I always expect the worst to happen even though, deep inside, I
still pray for the best.
I am a coward that pretends to be brave: I fear things when I do not
know what will be the end result. I shy away from things and people
that make me uncomfortable because I don't know what will happen, even
though I act brave and bold to encourage others.
I am a loner that seeks physical attachment: I live in my mind's
perspective and often that means seeking my own thoughts rather than
the reality that lies always in front of me. If possible, I would
delve into my mind and live there forever with no problems, no people,
nothing. The problem with this though is that I cannot touch what is
in my head. It's not real. There is nothing physical to touch and
conceive and use and experience. So I can't help but to touch things
(my friends can attest that I am always grabbing, holding, feeling, or
laying on something.) The world around me is solid; I need it to
replace the things that I can't.
I am a person that does not enjoy pain but cannot let go of it: I have
had some really bad things happen to me when I was little, things that
still haunt my actions and the way I view the world I live in. My
brother (the psych major) once told me that someone as sarcastic and
cynical as I am is like that because they have a lot of pain inside of
them that they are unable to let go of because they simply don't know
how. I have learned to accept the things that have happened to me and
I try not to dwell on the past, there will always be this pain inside
of me that I don't understand, not fully anyway.
I am a savior that cannot save herself: this relates to the one above.
I want to help people, and I really try to, but somehow it never works
out, even when I do make them feel better. Helping others just seems
as though to make me feel awful on the inside.
I am a person that cares too much to care at all: I worry about
everything. I want to make people happy, make them proud. i care
about my grades, my friends, my family. I care too much. I care to
the point that I want to simply stop caring. I pretend that things do
not bother me when they really do. I care about that stranded dog, I
care about the homeless man, I care about that victim, that essay, that
test, that person. I care about what you say about me, about what you
think of me, about how you feel when I do something. I care about how
you see me as a person. I've cared to the point that I simply have
trouble caring. I care but I feel a though I simply can't do it
anymore, not right now.
I am person who doesn't know what to do.
I am someone who finds herself to be lost like Alice in a Wonderland
that she has created.
I am an oxymoron and a paradox. I am a contradiction and a
hypocritical statement. I am a person that does the opposite of their
impulse.
I am someone who expects nothing of people but accepts everything.
I think I've said enough.
Lindsey-
"I’m a fool. I get into situations easily. I believe everything I hear. I trust everyone. And I give my admiration to people all too easily.
I’m lovesick. I’m obsessive sometimes when I want something. I bend easily and allow other people to dictate my moods. I let things that shouldn’t affect me sometimes hit me harder than the things that should. Some may call this super sensitive, and I know I am. You can hate it or love it but it’s a part of me.
I’m hardly driven. I let things get in my way all too often. I back down because of fear and because of what people will say or think. I have no confidence in myself what so ever.
I’m a hard worker. I honestly put everything I have into the things I love. Whether it be people or school or whatever hobby I take on. I get attached and I do everything I can for the people in my life and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I’m a dreamer. I have dreams in my head that are so insane and high above what I think I am capable of. I lay awake at night just thinking of the future a million story lines are in my head at any given time for my life, or the ones around me."
I loved your blog because I feel the same way you do on almost everything you said. Except you had the bigger heart to actually be open about it. I've felt that way for so long. I've helped so many friends out with whatever situation..whether it be giving someone money, spending time, listening, or any other way. Then a lot of times when I needed the extra hand or help, I've felt like I had no one to turn to and I trust way too easily. I also can get extremely obsessive. I respect you for being so open and allowing yourself to be vulnerable almost by putting yourself out there because I'm afraid to do that.
Who am I?
Oh boy.
My name is Hilary Frances Rosenberg. I am seventeen years old. I am labeled (well, at least I think I am labeled) a jock, an "AP kid" and a goofball. I think it is pretty funny if people judge me or think they know me, because I don't even know me. It is impossible to say what kind of person I am, or who I will be, because I believe that experience shapes who we are. And experiences come with time-- the time to develop wisdom and true being. Seventeen is relatively young, so hopefully I can have a much longer life to develop fully.
I'll give it a shot. The REAL Hilary Rosenberg:
I'm a caring person and make people laugh as much as possible. Like I've said so many times before, I love laughing and being happy. I'm a good listener when it comes to people's problems. I care a lot about my friends, and it saddens me that I've grown apart from some in high school.
I put myself down, and have very little self confidence. I've been rejected a LOT, whether it was by a guy or a situation that just didn't work out. Then I think to myself that I'm not good enough, or smart enough, or pretty enough. I blame myself, even when something is completely out of my control.
I keep most emotions in, but I'm sensitive at the same time. When something is really bothering me, I put on a front and smile like nothing is wrong. Of course, this bastion breaks down when I can't handle the pressure. Then I feel selfish for getting upset because there are people out in the world who have it a thousand times worse than I do, and find a reason to be happy. But usually, no one would notice if I was upset anyway.
I don't apply myself at school anymore. I used to, in grade school and middle school, even freshmen year. However, I'm coming to realize that there is more to life than a good grade. So much more. But that philosophy will probably bite me in the ass when college time comes around.
I fully and completely trust people until they give me a reason not to. Then, it is really difficult to get my trust back. I forgive, but I don't forget.
I wonder why there is a shortage of genuinely kind people in the world. And why that number seems to keep getting smaller.
I hate petty, unnecessary drama more than anything.
I love to challenge myself in athletics. Honestly, it is more a mental battle than a physical one. Try being a goalie. Or a hitter. It's a mental war with yourself and the shooter, or yourself and the pitcher. Being a keeper is still new to me, so that can be so incredibly frustrating. However, softball comes more natural, and sometimes I think that is the only thing that makes sense.
I honestly have no idea what my calling is. If I had to pick my major right now, it would be undecided. I'm decent at a lot of things, but I'm not specifically strong at any of them. This said, the future sort of frightens me.
I don't feel the need to impress anyone.
I love music so much. I don't think I could live without it. I love older music, when (at least I think) the music was more genuine and not commercialized. I play the piano to ease my nerves and bring peace to my mind. Difficult songs can be frustrating, but the challenge of a hard piece is always welcomed. I wish that I could just sit down and play by ear. I envy the people who have that gift.
I love to think. Not for school, but just sit, listen to music, and think. Sometimes I contemplate song lyrics, or read Thoreau.
I am sarcastic ninety-eight percent of the time.
There are things that I have kept to myself that has shaped the person who I am today. But I don't want to write that here.
I still miss my dog so unbelievably much. I cry sometimes when I think about it. I keep myself busy at home now so I can NOT think about it.
I've drifted from my brother, my best friend, and that kills me. But there's a situation out of my control.
Okay. I've just written a lot about myself. I could go on longer, but to prevent boredom of the reader, I'll stop.
Who am I? I am me. And right now, me is just fine.
Hilary Frances Rosenberg (n.)- A person happy to be living, but easily angered at oneself (Basically a living paradox). A person who is unsure of what the future will bring, but excited of what life's wonders will be experienced.
I wish I had a longer name so I could make this more dramatic.
Maybe some background music will help. Dun Dun Dun!
Leonor Negron- the lovable sweetheart who at times can be a little nutty.
Moving on… Do I know the real me? Uh DUH! Sorry for the immaturity but I truly believe that there is no one in this world who knows yourself better than yourself. I mean we all have those times where we have to reflect upon our past, or look at our future to figure out who we want to be. That means that we all know who we are at the moment. We might not be able to describe who we are on paper. But even in times of depression or doubt, our true soul is embedded somewhere in our heads.
I am me. Yup.
I am shy. I am outgoing. I am loud. I am quiet. I am rude. I am polite. I am lovable. I am annoying. I am crazy. I am normal. Do you get the point? I am everything I want and need to be for the moment. I’m not always the same person. I never want to be the same person that would be boring. One of the most important things about me is that I will try to be the best person that I can and want to be. Some things never change about me. For example I’m a hug-a-holic so I will always accept hugs. They are my drugs. I’m just an affectionate person. It’s in my mexirican blood.
If you want a little more information of who I truly am here’s a little snip it of what I would tell one of my best friends in a message right now:
Woman! I peed like five times today after drinking like a thousand Gatorades. Oh yeah I forgot to tell you that I have a stomach virus. (That’s why I need to drink that much.) Anyways my pee was as clear as water. I call that some mighty healthy pee. HaHa. I missed you yesterday. I can’t believe you cheated on me with Cha Cha! =*(* .lol. And you still don’t own me! I love you wife! Bye!
Lastly, Everyone, or at least the people I notice in this world, affect me in a certain way. I’m not a robot. I have my own personal feelings and thoughts about my audience and myself that make me act the way I do. Of course not everyone knows the “real” me. I can’t show it to everyone. I’m not that outgoing and the people who can bring out the real me, well they are the special people I call my friends.
Te amo. Bye!
Tamari:
As many have said before me well done Tamari. Your blog was amazing and I respect your opinion.
My favorite parts were:
"If I strip away all my titles, virtues, abilities, beliefs... (which I never would have thought to do), I am left naked. I'm left with nothing. I've always thought those things were what made a person who they were."
and
"I think I am a regular human being, with no more rights than anyone; no better than anyone. Labels, job titles, and such separate people into different categories, some thinking they are superior to others, but when our titles and names are stripped off: we are all the same, we are all equal."
You had me hooked from the start. Thanx. Bye!
ashley schieder (ash`lee – she`der) (noun): traveler; often found to be self-conscious during early childhood and adolescence; seeks to find happiness in life.
It was a wooden door; just a simple, average, modern-looking wooden door which bore a plastic name plate upon its center as if it were a scarlet letter. Outlining the bottom of the door was a sheet of bolted silver metal to prevent the markings of stiletto high-heels or business shoes from revealing gray or black cuts upon its surface. The color of this metal matched that of the handle which was currently being choked by my colleague’s pale hand. I didn’t want to see what great tragedy lied behind it, and the very thought of it was like watching hale puncture holes into the sand of a beach in mere June. Soon, it would be my name engraved upon that door’s name plate, and my hand consistently touching the door’s handle on a busy work day. I had worked my entire life for this, but it was not what I wanted.
The click of the door handle sent a jump to my heart as if the sound had been echoed. Before I had time to take in a deep breath, my eyes were revealed to a room that was cold, completely gray, and had more than enough space for files, notes, manila folders, or documents. When I walked inside, the woman who had opened the door for me began to explain where everything was as she tried helplessly to get the filing cabinet open. My mind completely blocked out her words while I stared with blank looks around the room. I wanted to run out of the room the moment I entered it. I could not allow myself to believe that I had worked so hard in my life only to be met with more difficulty. Once my heart began to race causing the room to become more and more distorted, and the woman left the room closing the door behind her with the same click, I woke up. I couldn’t go back to sleep knowing that this life could be awaiting me. If what I am working for right now is to be stuck in an office someday doing paper work for eight hours, then I’m wasting my time. I find myself begging on my hands and knees that this dream never becomes a reality because I am not the kind of person who is looking for a life that I know I could never truly be happy in. True, I do firmly believe that you should experience as much as possible, but you should never forget yourself in such circumstances. Your decisions and your likes and dislikes are what guide your future; you are granted complete control. So, look at life as a light that will lead you through darkness to find yourself, and pursue any night’s quest you find to be of merit that will help you become the person you want to be.
I am that person walking quickly through Nuremberg with an army green, frayed messenger bag and aviator sunglasses on looking as though I have the answer to any question. I am that person who you will find walking barefoot at seven in the morning along the shores of the English Channel, stopping to look at the water, and then taking the next boat in the harbor to cross it. I am that person who falls in love too early, but spends the rest of her life achieving that one goal which seemed impossible during the years she barely knew herself. Not surprisingly, I am that person whose desired future lies within an unattainable mess. The truth is, I have absolutely no idea of who I am, but I know exactly what I want to become. There are 8,765 hours in a year, and I change during each one of them. I started out in this green and blue hemisphere with the closest sense of fearlessness I’ve ever had. Nevertheless, I quickly changed once I was introduced to educators who believed heavily, and perhaps put too much of their faith, in the “gift” of consequences. It was then that I began to see just how much easier life would be if I allowed my voice to be heard as little as possible. It was simple; if you always pretended to be a goddess of flawlessness, never spoke out of line, and overworked yourself in school, you would never have to be blamed. After years of undergoing this same routine, I have realized that I made a mistake. Not just a mistake; I have changed myself into a person I can’t figure out.
Perhaps you can recall in elementary school when those towering teachers would assign each student in your class a number which marked their place in line. Well, I was the first one to scurry off and respect the now meaningless number 28. I became the student that one of my teachers said he wanted to multiply so that the whole class could basically inhale and exhale breaths of perfection. I was the student that earned extra comments on her papers such as “You’re such a good writer” or “Oh Ashley, this paper brought tears to my eyes”. Yet, I was also the student who feared for her life during lunch or recess knowing that she would be forced to be alone. Now, here I am, a junior in high school, who wishes she could change. I wish I could call out in class and not be afraid, and I wish I could talk to people without having my heart race. I wish I had a voice that was more powerful, and not seemingly suffering from influenza. I wish I had better posture, and smiled more often. As of right now, I am a girl in a confused state of mind who needs to stop being so protective over herself before she waists even more of her life being dissatisfied.
Here is what I do know about myself: If one of my future dates ever brought me a Styrofoam box of french fries instead of flowers, I would love him forever and marry him that very day if he wanted me too. I love the way I write my “s”s and “g”s. It annoys me when people do not step out of a room before turning off a light switch. I like to cut my own hair so that I have no one else to blame but myself if it’s wrong. I am obsessed with the color pink, but I don’t like to wear the color. My favorite moments during the school year are spent when I’m tapping my feet and bobbing my head in the dark to my i-pod on the way to band competitions. I love Christmas lights, especially the rainbow ones. I eat Breyer’s chocolate ice cream just about every night. I exercise once a year which is when my family goes to Jamaica and I work out in the Wyndham Rose Hall Resort’s gym. I really wish I had a British accent. I love going to hotels, and my favorite part about them are their fancy rugs. I’ve discovered that a good way to keep yourself awake at night to finish your homework is by playing “Claire de Lune” in your head and dancing around your tile kitchen. As of this point in my life, I cannot give an accurate interpretation of who I am because I believe that in order to do so, one needs experience. I have been alive for sixteen years out of the ninety-six years I believe I will still be living and breathing. Considering the fact that math is not my forte, all I can say is that it hasn’t been long. Right now, I am a person who has many expectations for her future. I do not know how I will change, if I will change, or when I will change, nor do I believe that any of us should know. We find ourselves by living through life, and while I may be able to pick out a few details about myself, it’s not who I really am.
It is my understanding that colleges ask this question frequently on applications because they want to know if you are truly worth their money, if you are really the type of person they want roaming around their campus, and if you are likely for success. Hence, if I had been given this question as an essay topic for a college application, I would have answered it much differently. In fact, I would have shown no signs of either instability or weakness. So, therefore, I would have lied, unless of course I actually became a person of confidence, stability, and charisma. The essay would have true parts of me in it, but I know it would not be the same. Besides, they say that if you pretend to be confident, you will eventually become confident.
Furthermore, there is always the possibility that other people could know you better than yourself, but I would have to disagree. I believe that people know you better than you think, but even so, they do not know you better than yourself. Since we do not fully know who we are, it would be impossible for someone else’s interpretation of ourselves to be proven correct. Yet, people’s interpretation of ourselves and how they interact with us does influence who we are at varying degrees. The people who we interact with each have their own interpretation that guides their relationship with us. So essentially, we, as a single person, are composed of many different people based upon these different interpretations. It is therefore a good thing that individual persons are many different people because it adds to our flexibility in the person we wish to become. We can wish to take any occurrence or any conversation to influence who we are.
You know what I think is amazing? The fact that when you look down at the earth from space, no one seems to be in existence even though life is being set right there before you. When you look down at New Jersey, I am supposedly right there, yet, I’m not. There are times in life when we don’t seem to be in existence, especially when knowing that there are six billion other beings living in two green and blue hemispheres. When I scream, you would never know if you were in Asia, the same goes for when people die. People die every second, yet, most of us don’t even know they were alive to begin with. This is the very thing that makes it difficult to give a definite answer as to who we are. It is indubitably difficult to know who we are when we do not seem to be entirely real at times. Yet, I am a person who believes there are mountains waiting for me to be climbed, oceans to be crossed, desserts to be traveled, rivers to be rafted, lakes to be swum in, cities to be explored, and a whole world to be discovered. I am a girl who is getting to know herself, and is aware that for the time being is slightly awkward and afraid, but is ready to change. I want so much out of life, and I have barely a sufficient amount of time to do so. When I’m finally let go, you can expect to find be in Nuremburg, crossing the English Channel, or getting married too soon. One way or another, I’m determined to find happiness, regardless of what hemisphere I’m on or whether or not I believe my existence is real. In the end, I know I’ll be happy.
In response to Hilary R:
I remember during the beginning of this year when you, two other girls, and I had that slightly awkward meeting with Ms. Raymond in her office to discuss grades and our plans for the future. You were the only one in the room who was really not sure of where you wanted to go for college or what you wanted to do as a career. I felt so bad for you, and I wanted to tell you that it was okay, but of course I was way too embarrassed. So, I’ll tell you in writing, as lame and ridiculous as that is: Hilary, you are going to make it so much farther than you would ever believe in life, not that I can tell the future, but I know that a person with your personality is not going to be left with no where to go. I think that someday you will find something that sparks your interest, and will take you far into the future. It’s true that I don’t know much about you, but I truly believe that you don’t have anything to fear in the future. Also, you said that you’ve “drifted from” your brother, well, I was just wondering how. If you could answer this for me, that would mean a lot because my sister has gone off to college and it’s been really hard for me not to think about her, or how lonely things are at home without her.
Lastly, I completely agreed with you when you stated that “experience shapes who we are”. Understanding what opportunities we decide to take, and how we react to certain encounters helps us define who we are. It seems that most of us do not really know who we are because of our lack of experience. I suppose it would be pretty interesting if we were to look back upon these blogs years from now and compare it to ourselves. I also really like the definition you wrote of yourself, especially the idea of a “living paradox”. In all, I can certainly relate to your blog, and enjoyed knowing that someone feels the same.
Hilary:
I think your definition hit the nail on the head. "a living paradox" is awesome way to describe you, me and everyone. I think that is just part of being human but the fact that you realized it is amazing. I wish i had of thought it. By the way, don't be down on yourself and have confidence. You're an amazing person, one of the funniest, kindest, caring, and a million more things i just can't put into words. You are Hilary Francis and you are AMAZING! Don't forget it!
Alice:
Thanks for your comment and just reading my blog in general. I can always count on you.
Jon:
I already told you this but I'll make it public. I hereby grant you permission to use the star line.
Honestly I think about my life everyday, Not about the trivial things like the my cloths, grades, and other high school drama, but lately because I realized that one of the biggest decisions that begins my path to adulthood is about to take place, which would be college.
On the outside I am obviously obnoxious and outspoken however, what I would admit to be a slightly aggressive character is to cover up the more sensitive traits that really define who I am. I'm going to steal what Jen said a little bit. First, I don't want to fully unveil my true persona because I don't feel like I am ready to. You have to accept and understand who you are before anyone else can accept you. Also with what Jen, said I feel like I have layers of different traits that although are 'me', they hide the things that really set me apart from everyone else.
To keep it simple I'm a thinker. Not some brilliant philosopher, but just a person who in their spare time thinks about anything and everything. I have a bad habit of over analyzing things and making situations in life more complicated than they should be. I think a transcendentalist lifestyle although I could never pursue, would be an ideal remedy for me to simply act and 'do' and the insight would give me answers to many of my problems.
The anger that I demonstrate sometimes simply covers up my realistic emotions which can be frustration or confusion. I am often confused with my life just as any high school teenager.
I really care about other people. I wish I could stop all of the unfair and horrible things that happen everyday in our world, but realistically I know these things will never end. Still, I hope someday to pursue a life like Jamie Moyer of the Phillies who spent Christmas in a third world country giving presents to less fortunate children. I hope to develop enough as a character to swallow my pride and give up a week of my life to possibly make an impact on others that could last their entire lives. Although I get easily annoyed I love the company of others. My friends really help shape my life and positively mold my character to be what it is today.
Death, although I have learned to live with, the heartbreak has never subsided. Loosing my pony freshman year to cancer was the most horrible thing that has every happen to me. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about it because in reality I lost th best friend I’ve ever had. But in honor of him I continue to love and live life because I’ve learned that it can end someday.
Laughter and sarcasm are other necessary things in my life. If you can’t laugh at yourself then...I forget the little motto but laughter is a remedy in itself. It can make you happy at the worst of times. Perhaps I use sarcasm and jokes to sometimes cover up any feelings that I don’t feel like showing, but to me that’s just using it to one of it’s advantages.
I guess now that I think about it, I wish a lot. However, I don't like to see it as hopeless wishing, but these dreams I aim to someday work to pursue and accomplish. Which is another thing about me. I want accomplishment and success. I want to be on the winning State soccer team and I strive to be the best person I can. Still, I know that the greatness of you life shouldn’t be calculated by how accomplished you are or how much money you make, it should be valued by how you overcome failure and move forward. Sports are my life. Although they get extremely frustrating and difficult sometimes, it is IMPOSSIBLE to picture my life without them. Lately, I’ve realized that if I don’t get mentally ready for the game, soon, I’m going to have serious problems. This is one of my flaws, getting down on myself when I mess up but if I didn’t fail like I said, I’ll never learn. Competition and exercise fuel my body. I eat like a horse, and if I didn’t play sports I would be very unhealthy. Still competition and working to achieve the high goals I’ve set for myself are what keeps me going. I EXPECT things out of myself that sometimes seem impossible. I expect to get a hit every time and expect to be flawless in the field. You have to aim high to keep yourself interested and working harder. Overall my goal in life is to be true and honest to myself, which I think is the ultimate accomplishment.
Carly Hannah Chamberlain(verb): 1. The act of bleeding just to know you’re alive (metaphor not for real!) and giving everything your fullest to reach your dreams. 2. The act of being unnecessarily careless and giddy on the outside to restrain the emotions that define who you are inside.
HILFACE
"I love to challenge myself in athletics. Honestly, it is more a mental battle than a physical one. Try being a goalie. Or a hitter. It's a mental war with yourself and the shooter, or yourself and the pitcher. Being a keeper is still new to me, so that can be so incredibly frustrating. However, softball comes more natural, and sometimes I think that is the only thing that makes sense. "
^For real Hil, sports are the only thing in life that's black and white. Unfortunatly, the mental part of the game is keeping it black and white aka simple, and not making contact with the ball or catching a line drive more difficult than it is. But less I live and breath athletics like you.
"To keep it simple I'm a thinker. Not some brilliant philosopher, but just a person who in their spare time thinks about anything and everything. I have a bad habit of over analyzing things and making situations in life more complicated than they should be. I think a transcendentalist lifestyle although I could never pursue, would be an ideal remedy for me to simply act and 'do' and the insight would give me answers to many of my problems."
Carly, I'm beginning to realize we think a lot alike. I, too, spend my spare time thinking. I don't really have a life outside of school and sports, but that's mostly because I'm afraid to do anything and decide not to because I over-analyze every situation imaginable and therefore never give myself the chance to experience living. I would love to live a transcendentalist lifestyle, even though that would be completely impossible for me because I'm constantly stressed.
"I eat like a horse, and if I didn’t play sports I would be very unhealthy."
Is this one of your jokes? Because from my understanding, it takes you an hour to finish chewing a single bite of a bagel. =P
"Carly Hannah Chamberlain(verb): 1. The act of bleeding just to know you’re alive (metaphor not for real!) and giving everything your fullest to reach your dreams. 2. The act of being unnecessarily careless and giddy on the outside to restrain the emotions that define who you are inside."
YES! I'm not the only person that's a verb =D
Who am I? WOW!!!!! In my entire life I have asked myself all types of questions but never once has there been a moment in which I asked who am I. At this age and time one can’t really be sure. That’s gotta be a fact because almost everyone changes as they get older. But people need to that who you are is only defined by what you do.
It your bitchy and want to make others life a living hell 24/7, well then you just a bitch. I can’t really say another way. But if you kind, you help people, listen to their problems, and have a good heart there are numerous adjectives to actually say who you are. You can trustworthy, helpful, caring, etc. In my eyes your experiences and your actions define who you are at heart.
Being asked this question for the first time I have no idea what to say. I can spend hours pondering over it but it would be difficult for me to arrive at an answer that I would be satisfied. But finally I have chosen one that best fits.
Harleen Kaur- a confused high school student who appears to be kind but has a very sarcastic personality.
I like to spend my summer having fun. You know normal things like sitting at the beach, hanging with friends, traveling. But I get to something even better. I have the privilege to be a junior volunteer at the Atlantic Care Mainland Division. I adore helping people but what I hate is seeing someone in misery. One time I was subbing for the front greeter in the ER, a man walked in with a bloody right hand and his pointing in his other hand literally. It was so disgusting but there was behemoth line for the ER. And apparently a de-attached finger isn’t more important than a person who has knee joint pain. That man came up to me twice to ask me when it was going to be his turn, and the second time he has tears in eyes form the pain. Feeling so awful for the man I went into the back and put his file in the front so he could be treated immediately. By my simple little trick I gave a man nine normal finger and one wobbly one. According to this story I am kind, trustworthy, etc.
But I am also as I have already said once an extremely sarcastic person. For many Sarah Crane is “Sarah friggin Crane!!” But for me when she makes the slightest mistake she is Blond girl. Even though Sarah is like one the most amazing people I have met she has her blonde moments, as all do but she’s blonde so it’s easier to accuse her. But even by that remark one can tell that I am not the nicest person on the planet. There’s two sides me. I have the “best of both worlds” (I hate Hannah Montana and I will never use anything like that again.)
Even though I am now done this blog I am really confused about what I just wrote. In all of the words and stories I guess I have just made the conclusion that you aren’t who you say you are but who are is defined by what you do.
I spend my summer helping people in the hospital when I could be at the beach. (Actually there’s always a story to tell which the only reason I go there. But the people matter to.)
Leonor-
You're not everything. You are definetly not smart actually your're quite dimwitted. J/K!!!!! You're great and i think that it's wonderful that you think that you are everything. Because you are but you are never sad or quite. So you are everything with the exception of sad and quite.
People are so quick to judge others. They run their mouths like they actually know you inside and out. Most likely, they don’t know you at all. It honestly makes me sick when people can effortlessly point fingers at someone else. Yeah, they probably know you’re name, heard a few rumors but that doesn’t mean they even have a clue as to what you’re about. I pity those who are so heartless and insecure that they have to judge others without even being acquainted with them.
Now to me. I question who I am on a daily basis. The matter pops into my head and brain begins to examine it far too rapidly causing my emotions to surface. Thus, the thought is pushed out of my head for my own emotional stability. People generally view me as someone who’s always happy, and sarcastic, but I could honestly be falling apart and still keep a smile on my face. I’d rather explore and experiment with new things instead of trying to define who I am. But since that is the question I have to answer, I have no choice but to ponder on it.
What would probably surprise most people that only encounter my angry and obnoxious demeanor is that I just really want to love and be loved. Making people laugh gives me a great feeling inside. I love to just laugh and have a good time. I’m willing to help anyone out in anyway shape or form and I take joy out of helping others. Maybe that’s kind of selfish to be helping people to just be liked. I want people to know that I’ll always be able to lend them a helping, trustworthy hand. But that’s only toward my friends and acquaintances. Toward my family unfortunately, I’m extremely impatient and honestly can’t stand them half the time. Maybe I lost myself when I was trying to please everyone around me? Who knows.
I overanalyze everything to no end. When I’m just sitting around, my thoughts wonder to every aspect of the situation. I have to know every detail about everything. I make situations so much more complex than they actually are.
I would die without my boyfriend, my closest friends, and even my family. Yet, I don’t need someone to lean on. I’ve been through those times where I felt that everyone was against me. I can take care of myself, but it’s assuaging to know that I have several people who will be there when I fall apart.
I rarely feel comfortable telling anyone anything personal about myself. It always seems to leak out somehow and I’d rather not have random people knowing bits and pieces of my personal life. My secretive personality has caused my boyfriend to annoy me for hours on end to get me to spill what’s the matter. I don’t open up easily at all. It’s difficult for me to trust people. I’ve watched my former friends fall apart countless times from abandonment so you could probably say I’ve learned from their mistakes. You disobey my trust, I can assure you I will never tell you something personal again.
I can be the most stubborn, and bullheaded person. I don’t like being wrong, but I’m open to anyone’s opinion.
I’m still a daddy’s girl at heart. I feel that I am so much more alike to my father than my mother.
Soccer completes me. I love the long, strenuous hours of practice during the summer. I love the mental and physical war you go through as an athlete. I love the competitive drive and I hate losing, especially to cocky jerkfaces...
I look at a situation from all angles before taking a side. It frustrates me when people neglect to think about what they’ve done wrong instead of just blaming someone else. I HATE when people make a tiny problem into this huge ridiculous problem, which I have a firsthand experience with.
I’m steadily gaining more confidence day by day as I’m beginning to leave my past “friends” behind.
I enjoy have a schedule but then again I love doing things spontaneously. I feel lost without my tracker, and when BILLY TOOK MINE TODAY I panicked. I care too much about little things, when I should be caring more about school and my future.
I wish I had the drive to do well in life. I no longer feel that drive to achieve good grades, but I know that will eventually come back to bite me in the butt. I’m lost as to what I want to be, or live, or anything when I grow up. I don’t even know whether I want to stay around here for college or go far! I can’t make decisions. It takes me literally at least five minutes to decide what flavor ice cream I want. Ugh, I’m screwed.
But I can say with certainty that I’m happy. I’m happy with who I am, who I have, and where I am. And frankly, that’s all that I need.
Hayley Jean Adams (n.): A person who seeks happiness along the journey of truly finding herself and is eager to explore and learn from life’s adventures.
--Morgan :)
KTF, as I told you in Pre-Calc today, I was about to comment on your blog when AWESOMELY my power went out when i was typing my blog and your comment... But I thought your blog was so cute! :) I like the way it was written and I can relate a lot to you and how you're feeling. I guess most of us our age can.
Hang on, folks, this is gonna be a confusing ride. (For both of us.) First off, I'd like to say I am the very model of a modern major general. But seriously now, I've been everything from quiet to stupid to obnoxious and everywhere in between at different times and to different people. I've read blogs that say they don't know who they are yet, that say they can't put a definition on themselves yet. And to these people, I pose the following question: When will you know? When do you settle into who you'll be for the rest of your existence?
This may seem like a barbed comment, but it is a genuine question. Maybe they do, but I've yet to hear a good one. Otherwise, my blog would have been along those same lines. I don't know who I am, I haven't decided yet, I'm too young to decide what I'll be for the rest of my life. All strange answers when I'm not sure when I'll decide or even if I will. So for me, rather than saying what I am isn't decided, or isn't set and hastily excusing myself from the blog, I embrace that chaos. What and who I am will always be fluid, and I accept this, going so far as to embrace it. Staying the same for the rest of my life would be BORING!!!
I've been labeled as a geek, a wimp, a dork, a brother, and more. I render my approval to geek and brother. Those, I embrace, and they'll be me as long as I am. But aside from my labels, who am I? In order to not give an answer that is either trite or the result of labels and accomplishments, I turn to the metaphorical.
I am a branch, leaning over a river, not quite part of the water itself, yet connected, and far enough from the tree that I need by own separate designation from that as well. As well, from time to time I find the need to shed my leafy covering and try exposing myself to the harsher world. It always grows back, but maybe with a notch or two on my real self to prove I changed at all. Also like said tree limb, when someone in trouble, caught in the swirling stream of life is about to drown in the treacherous waters, I offer a grip, an opportunity to get out and smell the roses, take it slow for a bit before wandering off into my forest or jumping back into their swirling world for another go. Maybe another kind soul down the way will offer a grip for them later down the everchanging rapids if they didn't learn the right lesson, but that's their choice. I offer no judgement on those who pass by, but I wait, mute and strong enough to offer what I can to anyone who'll take it. In time I may drop off my current anchor to brave the rapids, and perhaps stop somewhere up ahead to make a dam for those who have no more branches to grab. Perhaps I'll wash ashore somewhere better or worse. Perhaps I'll fall down a waterfall and be smashed by the fall. Regardless, like the branch, I care not for the future, content to go along where life will take me. The wind blows, I'll flex enough not to snap, someone comes along, I'll give them a chance to pull themselves out and bask on my shore, but my actions dictate little, all is the responsibility of chance, bringing someone close enough in life to reach me, severing my connection to the anchor, sending me back to shore or over the edge and back again. All is random, and I have little say, other than my responsibility to grow as long and strong as I can, extending my miniscule influence, all the while basking in the splendor of life all around me.
Not sure where the burst of clarity that birthed that came from, but I'm glad it did. That up there is me, at least as much as a human can be classified. However, if a quicker definition is your preference, see the following.
Daniel James Peterson – (1) A puppet of fate, but one who cares not for its games. (2) A link to a calmer world amidst turmoil. (3) Awareness of chaos, and being content to let the universe wheel you where it will.
This year has been so.. fun and different, for a lack of better words. For most of my recent past, I have been the same person. I tried to stay as under the radar as possible, afraid to cause attention to myself for fear of rejection or negative scrutiny. But this year, I’ve finally realized that my life is about me, living the life I want. As self centered as that sounds, I am now the least self-regarding I have ever been. I have lived my life in my own cocoon, in my own thoughts, left to my own observations. Now, I see that by fearing the things I have in the past, I have just been spoiling the one thing that really matters in the end: me and what I can say I have experienced and accomplished by the end of my life. I’m still the same Tarah but a better, improved version. I think this transformation is due to growing up and an inevitable occurrence that happens sooner or later, for better or for worse, for all people. I could be wrong, but I think am in the middle of my adult butterfly-ing stage.
Beyond all the labels and accomplishments I am a good hearted caring person that is no where near perfect. I care about the people in my life all too much and would do anything for a number of them. I am sometimes even overly passionate about my family, friends and boyfriend. They are all there because we have connected in one way or another, and I need these people. I have realized that having fun with people that care about you is more rewarding than keeping to yourself and not sharing with others out of fear. I don’t even know where that fear sprouted from. Perhaps I will need therapy later on and have an epiphany, but for now I think it was just a stupid routine that ruined the first bit of my life. I have found that it can be even more rewarding to demonstrate love than receive a perfect grade. I try to please these people I love, but there is definitely a certain limit that I can get to where I can’t try anymore. This is a hard boundary to get to. It is the point where it’s no longer healthy for me to dwell. I’ve recognized that I need this limit, and it’s one of the best things I’ve done for myself. I will continue to work hard for the people I love, but as soon as the relationship becomes parasitic, I know what I need to do for myself.
There are parts of me that are insatiable, with their origin unknown to me. These parts include my overpowering need to succeed, be intelligent, witty, appealing, organized etc.. I can’t figure out my inner drive which can be so idle at times and then so fervent at others. It is certainly ever present. I can’t figure out why fast, sarcastically biting comments come out of my mouth with unstoppable force at even the people I love most. I can hear things coming from my mouth in slow motion, and do nothing about it until it’s too late and said. I can’t figure out why I get so scared to grow attached to people, drop my guard, and then consequently feel that I truly can’t go out without them. I can’t figure out why it is still so hard for me to speak without feeling that no one wants to hear what I have to say. I can’t figure out why I fear becoming annoying to people so much. I can’t figure out why I am not afraid to show what I am made of on the outside. I don’t know if any of these things are necessarily bad if limited, but they definitely need to be moderated, and I am doing a better job of that lately for sure. Basically, I still can’t figure myself out.
I feel that I haven’t even scratched the surface,
Tarah Lynn Thomas (n): a young girl that is overly observant, passive aggressive yet outwardly obnoxious, afraid of driving alone in her new car, loves milk over any other beverage, hates drinking water, wonders why she deserves the things she has been blessed with, talks to her cats like crazy old coot, is truly self confident only when she wears red, puts Nesquik in her coffee, could live on sushi and scallops for the rest of her life, believes everything happens for a reason, is over-protective of those she loves, cries all the time over the simplest touching comments and memories, wants to feel needed, hates to be alone, and wishes more than anything for assurance that everything will be okay in the end.
I don't think it's too unfair to assume a person's daily routine is boring. That's one of the basic features of daily routines. There are some interesting parts, I'm sure. I certainly have something in my daily routine a few times a day that's enough to carry me through every day without having to look out to some far out goal. I suppose if written well, a daily routine could be interesting to read about, but not to live. Still, boring is often comforting, so we all take up daily routines.
I suppose I've spent enough time dancing around the questions. Do others know me, do I know me, and who am I. One of my favorite sayings applies in this situation. “There are two things in this world I don't understand: Myself and others. It would seem the general consensus is that nobody can truly know somebody else. At the very least, nobody's really sure if they know somebody else. But I'd think you can't know if someone truly knows you without knowing them. So I submit to you that because I cannot be sure if I know anyone else, I don't know if anyone else knows me, though I would think there are many people who are not sure if they know me.
Not good enough for you? Alright. I'll try again?
No, I don't think anyone I know truly knows me, if only because people change so fast. Just 16 short years ago I was laying in a little crib thinking, but I guarantee you I wasn't thinking up new outbursts for class, or wondering if I'm a bit too rude. In early elementary school, I was a troublemaker. I enjoyed moving things from one person's yard to the other. I didn't really think about consequences then so much as “Oh yeah. Who's bad?” Later in elementary school, as any of my close friends at the time can confirm, I was a few steps away from kleptomania. I wouldn't steal anything I could get my hands on, but certainly anything of little consequence. I was particularly fond of sticky notes, a rare prize indeed. The only people who knew about these impulses of mine were nowhere near old enough to really understand any driving forces behind them. I will admit though, there is one person who I'm able to tell anything that I think may well know me. I think so, and I certainly hope so, regardless of the odds. That's about all I wish to write on this particular subject, as I have a few unpleasant memories on “knowing” others that I'd prefer to bury.
It's amazing that we explore the arctic, the depths of the ocean, the vastness of space, when we have yet to really figure ourselves out. We struggle to take up every nook and cranny when we have yet to so much as fill the cubby holes in our skulls. I've done a lot of soul searching recently. Over the last year or so, I've found out a lot about myself. I'd like to think so, at least. In reality, I know I've repeatedly managed to lie to myself about myself, and believe every last bit, because it helped me at the time. A temporary solution to a temporary problem. However, I'm just not sure how many of those falsehoods remain in my head, or whether I even continue to create them. I suppose it doesn't bother me too much, but it sure makes answering this question a b-
Difficult.
I know my legal name is Brendan Armstrong, but that's not what it really should be. My true name is Count Chocula, because despite being a satanspawn abomination-of-life vampire, I prefer the sweet taste of chocolate to blood.
Wait. No. Let me try that again.
My name is Reptar-
Dangit.
I've only gone by two names with any regularity throughout my life. Brendan Armstrong, and Sharp. I understand the second one sounds a bit silly, and to be honest, I've been using it since I was six. It just stuck, so it's what I use for pretty much everything online. I could switch my name to Sharpe tomorrow, have everyone who knows me immediately refer to me as that, and it wouldn't disturb me at all. However, none of these really say anything about who I am. Still, I couldn't imagine anything else, so depending on where you meet me, one of those is my name.
Description is even harder. I'm nerdy. I like video games. I can stand to look at things that would make someone with a weak stomach throw up. I'm strongheaded and not trusting, prone to taking on tasks meant for multiple people on my own. I have a switch somewhere in my head that can turn me emotional and caring. I can cry over the simplest things while remaining untouched by tragedy. More than anything however, I'm defined by my need for attention. In certain situations, I just feel like I can do it better. I feel the need for my chance in the limelight. I become frustrated and physically ill whenever someone ignores me, or thinks me to be the kind of person I'm not.
At least, I think so. On the flip side, I sort of hate attention. Around large groups of people, I shrink back. No matter where I am, I rarely have a confident posture, and I certainly don't want trouble. Parties are terrifying. I'm meek.
Alright, it's becoming extremely obvious that I know myself like the back of Frank Sinatra's hand. I've never looked at the back of his hand, by the way. I'm going to try this one more time.
My name is Brendan. I am a nerdy, formatory blob of contradictions and emotions. Give me some more time to grow into my brain, and I'll get back to you.
Sarah C-
I thought that your blog was perfect. It lacked labels and just SHOWED who you are. It’s hysterical that you take internet tests to assess your mental health!!! I occasionally put on my dinner dance dress as well because I am still in love with it. I wish I could wear Betsy Johnson stuff every single day without seeming like an idiot and out of place in our school. She is amazing. And just today at lunch someone said something about your ketchup story when I stuck my fingers into the remaining pool on my plate and dug out the last bit of ketchup covered French fries. :)
Morgan-
“I want to just go crazy sometimes and not follow the image that I have built around myself, or that was built by others. Sometimes I just want to do something out of the ordinary and rebel, like dye my hair some outrageous color or eccentric like that, but I am nervous of what others (friends, peers, parents..) would think or say about me.”
Well, you know you can always rebel by coloring outside the lines like in psychology :] hahah But your bubbles were amazing I’ll admit.. Anyway. I know exactly what you mean. By this time in your life, you’ve established a standard for yourself and for what everyone is to think of you. It is way too scary to think about breaking that once it’s become such a part of who you are. I think that’s just part of growing up and we will become more confident as time goes on.
Me. Who I am. Not WHAT, but WHO. That’s hard to say, I mean, I’ve been thinking about this for a while now...all year even. I can’t tell you what I don’t know, silly!
Just kidding!
Ok so, after extensive thought on this topic, I have decided that:
1. I am an indecisive individual
What I mean is that I doubt who I am. I say I am going to assume this label…no wait..that one…no no no, this one for sure…oh wait no, I am definitely this (and so on). I don’t even stick to the same thought patterns. You know how you have a very critical person, a deep thinker (not that a critical person isn’t), or a very creative person (again, not that a deep or critical person couldn’t be)? It’s just weird how I can skip around…lately I’ve had quite the lazy brain, though. AND when I’m in stored I sit there for like an hour switching between two ply or three. Haha. I’m a mess, what can I say. No, actually I don’t really think im a mess, I’m just in the process of being “molded” into myself…I think.
2. Determined
I don’t think of that as a characteristic. I probably am thinking about it backwards, but I think that because it’s so constant in my life that it must not be a trait. I have always been determined. Pre surgery and post surgery, I think this MUST signify something about me, right? I hope it’s no wrong…I think I’m kind of right. All of my other traits such as confidence, kindness, and competitiveness have all changed while my determination has not even budged. When I was younger I was determined to ride a bike even before I was ready. You might say stubborn, but I just think that’s a stem of being a determined person. Anyway…when I was a little older, I was determined to prove that what people said was wrong and that I could indeed cook without burning myself. Post-surgery, I was determined to prove the doctors wrong. I returned to school to prove that I could handle it. I rode a bike to prove that I DO have enough balance. I took CP courses to prove I did not lose any intellect. I am driving. Despite my parents who say I can’t because my vision. Well, I pushed my vision to the limit, and although I cant do it as well in the dark, I still can drive. (Please keep that to yourself, I’ll just deny it if anyone other than the people at MVC know)
The rest of me is kind of under construction…
Dee (N.)- N/A
Deana Aponte (N.)- a strong willed, doubtful, and possibly oxymoronic (hope it’s a word!) person.
Leonor:
Your blog is like “Deana, the abridged version”. Its definitely something I might have said =). “One of the most important things about me is that I will try to be the best person that I can and want to be.” And here, I thought I was a weirdo, changing to suit my “vibe” that day.
"Tarah Lynn Thomas (n): a young girl that is overly observant, passive aggressive yet outwardly obnoxious, afraid of driving alone in her new car, loves milk over any other beverage, hates drinking water, wonders why she deserves the things she has been blessed with, talks to her cats like crazy old coot, is truly self confident only when she wears red, puts Nesquik in her coffee, could live on sushi and scallops for the rest of her life, believes everything happens for a reason, is over-protective of those she loves, cries all the time over the simplest touching comments and memories, wants to feel needed, hates to be alone, and wishes more than anything for assurance that everything will be okay in the end."
Tarah! Haha. I can see you talking to pumpkin all the time when you are alone.=) Anyway your definition is very true, especially the passive agressive part.
Who am I? How do others see me? What is my purpose here? These seemingly simple, mundane questions incessantly torture my mind as i struggle to discover the person that I am, the person I will become, and the person I am meant to be. Who I am is simple enough; Erik Nelson, your average eleventh-grade kid. Who I really am is a different subject altogether. I would say I only have about three or four friends who know me well, simply because we have known each other since as long as either of us can remember.They know what to expect from me, how I will act and react in certain situations, what I will fight for and what I care about. They know me as well as anyone; quite possibly even better than I know myself. They see me for who I am, whereas I see myself for who I'm not. I constantly compare myself to others, and question myself about why I am not more like someone else. It's never anything material like money or possessions, because temporary things do not determine the person that you are. (Although they can have incredible influence over people.) I wonder why I'm not more giving, not more caring, not more selfless. I try to help others, but I often manage to come up with some pathetic excuse as to why I can't. In my experiences, I have found that those who put the needs of others before the needs of themselves tend to be the happier than those who live simply for themselves. That is the person I hope to be, although I realize it is much easier said than done. Right now though, I am not that person. I try to help people out, and I strive to be a good son, friend, and brother. But I have to remember the immortal words from Batman Begins, "It is not who you are underneath, but what you do that defines you." I can talk and talk all day about how much I want to help out other people, how I want to leave a positive picture of myself in the minds of new acquaintances, how I want to influence others to good, but all that talk means nothing if I can't back it up. I have a clear picture in my mind of who I want to be, yet I still am not sure who I am in this moment. I am still caught in a struggle between a selfish kid who is worried solely about his own well-being, or the strong person who casts down his egocentric disguise in favor of a giving heart. My hope is that I mature the latter will be the me that people recognize and know.
Outside of common, daily interactions with people, my life is sports. I don't know what I would do without them. I'll play anything: football, golf, baseball, cricket, ping-pong, you name it. I don't really like soccer, but I do it just to have something to do. Basketball is my true love. I could spend hours upon hours in a gym, taking hundreds of shots a day. I constantly strive to make myself a better player, whether that means running sprints, lifting weights, shooting a hundred foul shots, whatever. I am not the most physically talented person, as most of my teammates could run faster than me going backwards, and I can hardly jump over a phonebook, but I make up for my athletic deficiency (aka my "whiteness") by working my butt off in practice and working after everyone else is gone. It is my will to win and improve individually that makes me the player I am. If only I could apply this drive to my schoolwork, I might be able to sneak into the top fifteen in our class. But it's very difficult to put your heart into something that you do not have a passion for, and, unfortunately, I'm not exactly infatuated with physics and pre-calc. I know that I will not be a professional basketball player, I just play it for the love of the game. But I hope that I can hold onto that passion and eventually use it in a forum that allows me to help others with all of my being.
Erik David Nelson (you guys are smart, I'm sure you can figure out how to say it) - a driven, motivated person struggling to discover their purpose. Often unsure about himself and judges himself way too seriously, but is very adept at covering his uncertainy with perceived confidence. Constantly sarcastic in his poor attempts at making people laugh.
Brendan - Haha your blog was really funny. I especially liked the part about Sinatra's hand. I don't think there's any problem with not knowing exactly who we are, and I get the feeling it really doesn't make much of a difference to you. That's a good thing, because instead of worrying so much about "who you are" you're just living your life as Brendan Armstrong, not changing for anyone.
Well, I’ll give it a whirl. Here it goes..
Hmmm how do I put this….People think that I am things that I am not, and I sometimes think that I am things that I am not, but I will try to tell what I really am without projecting what I want to be. THAT MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL, but it was truly what I thought of who I am.
I was known as the dumb girl in the smart classes, just coasting along and providing comic relief for a really long time, and I don’t blame people for thinking that, because that was kind of what I evoked.
When I do bad on tests and assignments, I try to play it off like I don’t really care. I do. Trust me I could just start balling right there and then, and have to constantly distract myself with something else.
I take naps everyday, from 4 to 7. I think that this is what causes my insomnia.
I act on things that are forced upon me by peer pressure, regrettably.
I am insanely jealous of everything that my sister has. It really annoys me when people ask me if she is better than me, especially at soccer. I took the hard road, filled with bickering teams, horrible in between teams, an amazing team, which I was kicked off of, bad coaches and teams that have fallen apart. I feel like is plain and simple. I have skill and she has speed, and without both you will never be an unbelievable player.
I always expect the worst, and hope for the least worse, because I am used to being let down.
I am very picky and sometimes judge people by what they eat.
I am going through an identity crisis because I have no clue of what I want to be when I grow up, and I am scared. I don’t want to go out into the world by myself not knowing what I want to do.
I am not afraid to be loud, but I know when to just shut up and listen.
I have OCD and ADD. A seriously BAD combination. All of my books have to be perfectly aligned on my desk and if there is one little mark on my paper I have to throw it away and start again. In 106, aka the Calculus room of death I am the most distracted of all. Let me mention that I also am known to count things, (lines on the road passing me, steps, red cars, black cars, the number of steps it takes to run a treeline….etc.) and while Ms. Baird (pronounced Buuuuuurd) is talking to the eraser, I look outside and count geese, people in gym class, lights in the ceiling, tiles in the ceiling, pieces of paper in my notebook.
When we went to Thoreau’s cabin in the woods on the Boston trip last year, I kind of had an epiphany, and realized that I love the wilderness. I was inspired by the beauty of the lake, what he did, and his philosophies. I would really love to go somewhere as beautiful as that.
I act different according to what class I am in and what kind of environment it is. You may call those multiple personalities.
I am sarcastically comedic, and take pride in entertaining my lunch table. I don’t think you could put any more sarcastic, loud, and fun people in one lunch.
I like being the center of attention, but sometimes I just want to be a spectator.
I am not very confident at all, but I hide that by being very overly confident. Smart huh.
I cry when I am mad. I cry when I am frustrated with myself. I panic and just start sobbing. I can’t breathe, see, or talk, and I start that weird breathing.
I get beat up by my sister routinely, and hate her for the fact that she has had everything easier. I have paved the road for her success, and she just acts on what worked for me and changes what I have failed at.
I don’t try new things because I am afraid of change and how these changes will change me.
That is who I think I am.
Brittany Madison Goetze (n.)- 1.a loud person who loves to laugh, isn’t afraid to act dumb or smart, is attached to how things used to be, has never eaten seafood, misses the bus almost everyday, is insecure yet confident, is periodically jealous, and mooches off of other people.2. A confused person searching for solutions to problems that she hasn’t been given yet.
It's almost funny to me, this whole concept of "who I am," because I have absolutely no idea. And to be honest, I don't expect to find out for a while. I do know, however, who...or I should say what...I am these days- a robot. I seem to be empty, even to myself. I'm devoid of any true idea of who I am or what life is about. I may have these flashes of brilliance, when I feel like I have some kind of hypothesis. But then I realize, it is just that- an educated guess. That's not good enough. And so I wonder, day after day, "lost and insecure" as the Fray say in their new song, just waiting for me to find me.
My perspective on the world changes so much that I can't even grasp for two seconds what the hell anything even means. When I'm happy, am I really even happy? When I'm upset, do I even know why? My thoughts are incoherent and fuzzy. Kind of like a game of peek-a-boo. One second I make perfect sense to myself, and the next I'm a blubbering fool.
So what do I know about myself? Nothing more then the basics. On top of that, what I do know might not necessarily apply in 2 years. I'm constantly changing. You know those people that watch TV and all they do is flick the channels? Well, my dad is a HUGE channel flicker and it drives me crazy. Yet, thats me. Not the flicker, but the TV shows dancing across the screen. Those images flashing around, all different and strange and mind boggling. That's how I feel on a daily basis. Some days I'm Grey's Anatomy- emotional and filled with drama. Others I'm House- smart, confident, and humorous. Some I'm the free credit report commercials, with the jingle and the happiness. Hah, and on most, I'm Survivor. Because that's what high school is about to me, survival. Out wit. Out play. Out last. Don't let anyone get too close, never trust anybody, and count only on yourself.
I feel like although I'm learning a lot about others, I'm still not discovering much about myself. But I'm not too worried. In order to understand me, I need to be alone. Not just alone as in no people around. Alone as in away. In my own world, that I've created for me. Example- college. Somewhere I can experiment, and think, and live without anybody's expectations but my own. I crave that. Admitting that the future is the only reason I wake up in the morning might not be such a good idea, but it's true. I trust fate. People say they're scared of the future. Well, I'm the complete opposite. I'm scared of now.
There are, however, a few things that I know for sure about myself: -When I fall, I fall hard. Whether it be falling in love, falling into a responsibility, falling into the hurt and pain that some people inflict upon me. I crash and burn because of it, but it's something I just can't help.
-I'm sensitive and emotional. I always have been, and I always will be.
-I'm anything but a quitter.
-I'm disgustingly obsessed with the people around me. If I love someone, I love them. Like I said, I fall hard. It's such a downfall in a way, caring so much about the ones so close to me. It eats at my mind. Why do I care so much about them? Why can't I care more about me?
-I'm an overachiever at heart. I can't stand failure, it's just not an option.
-I set my standards so freaking high that I don't know if even God could reach them. And when I fail to reach them, which is practically inevitable, I'm excruciatingly hard on myself. I expect nothing short of perfection, although I don't even believe in being perfect. How much of a paradox is that?
-I crave security, just like us girls crave chocolate when we're PMSing. I just want to know who my true friends are, my true love. I want to settle in and live.
-I lack confidence, and I always have.
-I'm a dreamer.
-I'm kind hearted. I want to do everything to help people. Although I haven't been displaying my sweet side as much lately, I know it's still there, as much a part of me as anything else.
-I'm so blonde sometimes, and can be really ditzy.
-I am a hard worker, who enjoys success more than almost anything else.
So there might me some more random things that I know about myself, but for now, that's all I'm going to list.
When I get to thinking about who really knows me, I can only come up with one person, Mike. We've been together over 2 years. I know that's not a lifetime, I know we've only begun to get to know each other. But my God, I tell him everything. From the belly ache I had second period, to my crazy philosophies about life. He's a problem solver by nature, more inquisitive then anyone, thus opening him up even more to my idiosyncrasies that not even my closest friends realize. Yeah, it scares me that I will probably lose him one day. Yes, I know that it probably isn't healthy to pour my heart out to just one person. But that's all I can do, he's the only one I feel comfortable around. And he gets me. It may not seem like it to everyone else, but me and him are not who we seem to be. Our relationship is not what anyone thinks it is. Although it may end tomorrow, or it may last for 60 years, he's already a huge part of me. It's painful to admit, but necessary. I wouldn't have ranted about him if I didn't have to, but in writing this I realize just how much he is a part of me, and will be no matter what happens. I have no regrets.
So I answered just about every question you threw at us Bunj. All that's left is my definition, which I think is going to be impossible. How do you sum yourself up in a few words or even paragraphs? How do you define something you don't know. This is one thing Webster's isn't going to help me out on...
Devon Palermo- undefined, for now, but not forever.
"To keep it simple I'm a thinker. Not some brilliant philosopher, but just a person who in their spare time thinks about anything and everything. I have a bad habit of over analyzing things and making situations in life more complicated than they should be."
-Carly Chamberlain
I forgot to mention this in my blog. However, I know exactly what you are saying. I think way too much for my own good, often eliminating spontaneity completely from my life. In addition, I too over complicate situations. It's not on purpose, yet I don't know how to stop! It's a vicious cycle indeed.
"I love sitting at home on a Sunday, watching movies, eating chocolate, and being by myself. Devon and I have had this conversation just a while back, I don’t like going out. I like being by myself or with my family. I think I like this because those are the only times where I don’t have to be what people expect me to be."
-Molly Gondolf
Well Mol, you sure know how us antisocial girls spend our time :). It's so much more fun to be alone and with family, I whole heartedly agree. Why would I go out and hang out with people and party and be wild and crazy, when deep down I feel so unfulfilled? I cherish this time at home, just me, a comfy blanket, junk food, and a corny romance movie. I'm truly happy at these moments. It seems pathetic, but I know you understand.
Devon-I was going to use a definition similar to yours, but you beat me to it...thanks for stealing my thunder. j.k. I liked your blog though.
Hahah sorry Ben. I hate when that happens. But thank you!
Tarah-
"Tarah Lynn Thomas (n): a young girl that is overly observant, passive aggressive yet outwardly obnoxious, afraid of driving alone in her new car, loves milk over any other beverage, hates drinking water, wonders why she deserves the things she has been blessed with, talks to her cats like crazy old coot, is truly self confident only when she wears red, puts Nesquik in her coffee, could live on sushi and scallops for the rest of her life, believes everything happens for a reason, is over-protective of those she loves, cries all the time over the simplest touching comments and memories, wants to feel needed, hates to be alone, and wishes more than anything for assurance that everything will be okay in the end."
I love your definition. It's so cute and funny. You'll learn to be alone in your new car. The first day I was able to drive my car, I was so weirded out by the concept that I could go anywhere that this vehicle can take me. I literally got in my car (parents weren't home but knew I was going out) and I called my mother and I'm like, "Oh my god I'm use to either being picked up by friends or my parents drive me". I sat in my car for five minutes and then proceeded out the driveway. It's scary for the first time when it's dark too!
foget this blog
“I fully and completely trust people until they give me a reason not to. Then, it is really difficult to get my trust back. I forgive, but I don't forget.”
Hi. I loved your blog. I love you. And I totally agree with this statement. Although I may be a little different, I build a trust with people, and once they ruin that, I write them off. And trust has become a big issue in my life. I have found that there aren’t that many people that I truly trust, but once I find the small few, I pour my heart out to them. And I don’t think you should forget, because you never know if it may happen again.
Oh, and I am sarcastic ninety-nine percent of the time.
Humans: A mass of cells that form a bipedal life-form, originating from East Africa. We evolved from the same ancestor as apes. We know this much. Something that, simply 500 years ago, we would have never thought of knowing. Yet, we do know this. Yet, why don’t we understand ourselves or others?
Nobody truly understands anybody completely. What we see of somebody, can completely change in any other situation. A friend to you can easily be an enemy to others. People can see me as weak, strong, or possibly the most badass person in existence (but who doesn’t?). Humans are like jigsaw puzzles. We have countless parts to our personality, and quite a few that can be turned around and viewed as something completely different.
No, that isn’t quite correct. Putting together a person’s personality is like completing a puzzle with half the pieces missing. Our half is what we see of ourselves, and the missing half is what others see of ourselves. A comedian that thinks himself to be hilarious still has the chance of being smacked across the face with a rotten tomato conjured from mid-air. To know ourselves, we must also see ourselves from the eyes of others, no matter how contradictory that may seem.
Now that I’ve succeeded in completely digressing from the point, I’d like to write about what I see of myself. I am the most beautiful, intelligent, strong, creative, and of, course, humble person in existence. Wait, that isn’t right. Those words clearly leave me comparable to normal humans. We cannot have that.
Jokes aside, I am Ivan, another who does not know where the road he has paved leads. Not that it really matters. What I am in the future does not affect what I am now. I am one who follows an ideal that I do not truly believe possible. Yet, I find the impossible beautiful. I find the thought of absolute peace or perfection completely disgusting, yet can stand what would make others easily scream in horror. I do not find this strange at all. Nothing at all is black and white to me. We are, as I’ve said, made of many puzzle pieces.
These are all traits from a span of years that I can easily count with a single hand. I, along with everyone else, will eventually change. That is one of the few constants in this world. It may not be in a single event, nor does it need to be a complete turnabout. We aren’t badly written characters. We aren’t going to simply make heel-face turns, at every breaking event. I will grow, and learn from myself, and from others, as will many others.
How would I be described? Perhaps a label does fit in this situation.
Ivan- A human.
Matt!
That was so sweet what you said. I didn't deserve that. Ha ha.
Carly!
I think too. I said the same exact thing in my blog. Hours can go by, and I wonder where they have gone. Oh. I was thinking. About anything, or everything. And I wonder why I don't finish my homework... Ha ha. But thinking about anything really helps me jog my brain.
Devon!
I couldn't think of one quote to use from your blog, because every sentence was amazing. It was extremely wonderful. :) I feel like I never talk to you, or see you, because all we have is history together. Mehhh. I miss talking with you, having like two hour conversations on the phone talking about everything. As for your blog, I completely agree. Who is to know who we are? I sure as heck don't know who I am, and my views change as well. But I guess that is a major part of life- changing for our specific situations, our surroundings, our experiences. I also want to tell you that I am here whenEVER you need someone to talk to about anything. <3
Erik!
"But it's very difficult to put your heart into something that you do not have a passion for, and, unfortunately, I'm not exactly infatuated with physics and pre-calc."
Your blog was intriguing. And geez, I couldn't agree more. I wonder why I never do homework anymore, or bother to care about school. I simply lost my passion for it, and would much rather be swinging a bat. :)
I find myself sitting here, confused and irate. For the first time I am truly at a loss for words. The only action I can think to do at this point is argue the blog which seems so utterly repulsive in concept. But of course I’m not downing the blog or anything =] The fact is that many people spend their entire lives searching and meditating on themselves, to understand or discover who they are and essentially what makes them “them”. So my first thought about the topic is, “that’s a lot to ask of an 11th grader”. But even if it is attainable for others I don’t see how I am supposed to find it within myself.
What is even more frustrating is that I know who I am, I know what I am, but I can’t find the terms to express it. What it is is the voice inside of you that guides what you do for whatever reason. It’s the feeling when you know something is wrong or right. Maybe you could call it your gut instinct? But apparently that is also wrong because I would label that as a moral or virtue of my inner self and the blog says you can’t define yourself by your morals…. back to square one.
I can’t even being to understand what I’m supposed to be looking for. As far as I can tell the experiences you have and the hobbies you do, your traits, values, morals, and passions are all things that make up your being. I don’t believe for one second that if you stripped all that away there would be something left. Because whatever that thing is would have been molded and crafted into the jewel it is today by years of outside influence. If from the moment of birth each of us experienced the same exact life, the same friends, family, weather, health, food, we would all be exact replicas of one another. You can’t make something out of nothing therefore you can’t have some inner presence that just appears in your life.
I basically just broke our room’s sacred rule of not saying “I can’t” ten thousand times, but I think we’ve finally hit the impossible. But for all intents and purposes I can give it my best shot. If I know anything about myself it’s that I am competitive. And before I get the “blah blah blah trait blah blah” I have to say that it’s not the characteristic of having a competitive nature, what it is, is living competition. The first memory I have is racing one of my young friends down a hallway, ever since then all my life has been centered on competition. I lost all my friends at the tender age of 6 because they didn’t want to play games with me. We didn’t play for fun, we played to win..Well I played to win. The rest of the babies just cried in the corner, except Jon who stuck around me for some reason. I have home videos of me fighting other kids in PAL basketball and WREC soccer when I lost a game.
And no, the competition did not end at sports, it became a lifestyle. Race to the car, read the book the fastest, get the first answer, get the best grade, win win win all the time. And it didn’t and still doesn’t matter if I had no one to compete with, there is always yourself. Tiles, floor tiles. The perfect way to compete against yourself. Don’t touch the red ones; land on the green, watch the cracks. Endless games conjured up by an adolescent mind to soothe the urge to win, to be the best.
While tiles is still a game I play today, the chance for competition has increased with my age. Now there are high school sports where I can compete against people from around the east coast, where I can compete to get the highest F in calc and compete with molly to get the best vocab grade. It’s almost come to the point where I’ve been so overwhelmed by competition that I don’t need to compete anymore. But I can still feel it, the torch of competition. I’ve described this before to different people, my “competition” I’ve always visualized as this burning torch inside of me. This is what made me chose competition as the closest thing to me because of the torch. It’s an ever burning fire that I can always feel within me. Throughout the day whenever I think of competition or a race or a rival it flares up to a volcanic roar and my system is filled with adrenaline and endorphins. It makes me feel crazy and wild, like the excitement of battle, bloodlust almost.
The final reason that solidified my decision on competition is that the competition never leaves. It’s an endless thought process centered on winning and competing and the unmatchable thrill of giving your all to triumph over someone else. As a testimony to that I just got back from 3 hours of boxing and UFC fighting at Reese’s house where I am proud to say I destroyed the competition in wrestling. Even now I can barely keep still long enough to blurt out a few sentences at a time because it’s against my nature to be here when I could be back struggling against another challenger.
Sure it’s unhealthy and sure it’s bull headed, but it’s what makes me get through the day. The reason I get up in the morning is because I can’t stand the thought of just giving up and surrendering to all this bullshit in school and in the rest of the world. It’s against my being to submit before something when I can still fight against it. That’s why I’ve decided that this is who I am:
Matt Capone – someone that lives for competition.
In response to Jon s:
I don’t know whether it is our own short sightedness or just undeniable logic that makes us agree that virtues and traits have to shape who you are and what you are. But about the actual content of your blog determination is you all the way for as long as I can remember you did not back down from anything, except once. This year, you know it, we know it, the machine that is Jon Scheaffer broke down for the first time. And at that time you didn’t stop being Jon Scheaffer. What we saw about you was a slight bit of human weakness for the first time but it did not change who you were. So maybe there is something deeper than what we think about this blog because without your determination I can still see you as Jon Scheaffer and without my competition I know I would still be me, different but me none the less. It seems a little more self inspection is in order for a lot of the people on this blog.
HAYLEY<3-
"I can be the most stubborn, and bullheaded person. I don’t like being wrong, but I’m open to anyone’s opinion. "
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. You should've just written this then 'The End.'
just kidding buddy :). i think i know you better than most people and what you said made complete sense to me. I'm actually a little surprised you opened up this much! haha i liked reading your blog, you made good summaries of what i believe is "you".
p.s. soccerrrrrrr <3333333333.
To dan: That was an awesome metaphor. I hope you've actually gotten it. I try to shy away from defining myself, especially using metaphors. I end up generalizing and idealizing myself.
I'd like to think that I'm in touch with my inner self, and that I know exactly what I am, and who I want to be. I try to evaluate myself as much as possible, examining my actions and identifying their implications on my personality and identity. This being said, I have to admit that I don't like divulging my identity, my inner self. The way I see it, letting people know your quirks is a sign of weakness, and letting down your gaurd enough to allow people to glimpse into the depths of your personality is an act of utter foolishness. I know who I am, but I try to avoid letting others find out. However, for the sake of this assignment, I suppose that I can give SOME insight as to the "real me". I'm only doing this for you, Bunj, and it's extremely hard for me talk about it, but I think I can manage to do it. ;)
I am, undoubtedly, the most attention hungry person there is. I crave it, both conciously and subconciously (spelling on those two...?!), and I seek it with an unmatched passion. Think about it! Why do I argue and disagree constantly? I'd like to say that I do it because I geniunely do have an idealistic issue with the topic at hand, but inside I know that I do this to isolate myself from the horde. That's not to say that I just say things just to be different, because I firmly and strongly believe in all of my ideals (as right or wrong as they may be), but I'll admit that I'm more inclined to disagree than just nod and accept things. Why? Well, this is probably because I feel an insatiable need to differentiate myself from those around me. I can't stand being lumped in with the pack, because, as silly as this may seem, I NEED to be different. I place no merit on fitting in and being "just one in the crowd". Conformity makes me sick. It makes me anxious, nervous, reckless, and furious, and when I see people blindly conforming to the newest whim, I'm instantly disgusted. My biggest contradiction is found here- although I do have an extremely low self esteem when it comes to the physical aspects of life (shallow, shallow, shallow Maegan), I feel idealistically superior to everyone around me. For example, if I were to line up in front of the classroom with several other girls and just stand there, I'd feel awkward, embarrassed, and ashamed. Physically, I got the short end of the stick, and I'm the first to admit it. But if I were to stand in front of the same classroom with the same girls and be instructed to tell the class about some personal philosophy of mine, my demeanor would quickly change. I'd go from awkward and uncomfortable to scornful and confident. Mentally, I'm so concieted that I feel no one can touch me or my ideas. Silly, of course, because I know plenty of people who are brilliant minded and could probably spin me in circles, but I try to ignore these people. If I don't have my mind, my ideas, then what do I have? I'm not the best student, because I tend to be lazy and bookwork/ memorization has never been my cup of tea. Thousands could surpass me there. My athletic skills, though somewhat decent by Oakcrest standards, are beyond mediocre, and I'd instantly step down and admit defeat if challenged. Personality-wise, I think that I'm extremely abrasive. I'm annoying, loud, brash, and just utterly ridiculous, and I have a hard time understanding why anyone likes me at all. In the looks department, as I've already mentioned, I'm lacking, as well. I'm not skinny or pretty like any of the other girls I see. My mind is the only thing that I have, and that I pride myself for. Without it, I'd be nothing. This may be completely obvious, but my mind IS Maegan Reese.
I made a realization the other day. I CANNOT be happy. It's impossible. I refuse to see the lighter side to things, and I always have to point out the negative in a situation. I'm the dark cloud in the group, the cynical bitter one who never quite fits in. I'm the piece of the puzzle with the broken end. I simply do not mesh. I see my friends laughing and joking about boys, clothes, cars, shopping, and other trivial things. Typical teenage topics, day in and day out. They laugh and joke and throw sleepovers (Which I'm never invited to. Oh, no! That would be quite a damper on the party), and just don't worry about anything. Well, don't get me wrong, they definitely do. College, school, college, school, college, school. That's the only things that bother them, it seems. I'm not troubled by these things, though I probably should be. Instead of fretting over a bad test grade, I'll sit up for hours, thinking about the legacy I'll leave when I die. Will I leave this earth with a glorified name? Will I go down in history as one person who did something great? Or will I die and be soon forgotten? Will all the people I considered my friends go about their normal lives with not so much as a qualm? I wish to believe the former, although my heart tells me that the latter will probably occur. I'll think until my brain hurts, not about boys and clothes and college and school, but about war and great things, actions that changed the world, and, most importantly, myself. I'd say that a good 85% of my thought is dedicated to my self evaluation, in which I dissect my personality, write about it, expand upon certain things and make theories about who I really am. Am I what I make myself to be? Probably. I'm probably not half of what I think I am, but believing that I am truly these things is one of the few things that makes me happy. In fact, it's the only thing that gives me hope and is the dull ray of sunshine in my otherwise dark life. Which brings me back to my original theory. I am a concieted, self centered, selfish, attention hungry sociopath. Most of all, and the thing that troubles me the most, I am a hypocrite. A big, fat hypocrite. Why am I these things? I'll explain.
Conceited: I've already touched on this before, but I am so confident in my mental prowess. Contrary to reality, I believe that I can think circles around my peers, and I'm extremly scornful when it comes to the philosophies of others. I try to be as open minded as possible, but for some reason I have a hard time accepting concepts that aren't my own.
Self-centered: Ever notice how I turn every conversation into a conversation about me? Or how I'll tend to interrupt people with the phrase "Well, I think that...."? I'm the star of my own show, and I expect things to revolve around me at all times. It's disgusting, and I try to curb this bad habit, but it gets harder and harder every day.
Selfish: This one kind of ties in with self-centered. My parents call me "One Way" because they say that the "give-recieve" ratio is one way, meaning that I always recieve, but never give anything in return. I've never caught myself being obnoxiously selfish, but I guess one more addition to the flaw list won't hurt, right?
Attention-hungry: I crave it, I want it, I need it. I can't live without attention. I'm like Freddy Kruegar and IT. Without people reacting to my little outbursts, I'd be nothing. I disagree, tell stupid stories, talk a lot, and laugh loudly in order to draw attention to myself and seperate myself from the masses.
Hypocrite: I create standards for the people around me, and for society in general. I make observations, and I hold people to their word. When they say or do something that contradicts their actions or words, I'm instantly infuriated. If there's one thing I have no tolerance for, its hypocracy. This is the thing that I hate about myself the most. I have standards and expectations for people, and yet I see myself as exempt from them. I'm quick to condemn others, but reluctant to persecute myself. I'm always disgusted with myself. Always. When I say, "I hate how people nowadays are so materialistic", what I really mean is "I hate how everyone except me places so much value on tangible objects. It's alright when I do it, but other people shouldn't be allowed to!"
Disgusting, disgusting, disgusting. I can't even write about how sickened I am with myself. I feel like I'm about to vomit just thinking about it.
As you can probably see, I'm merely a sum of all of my flaws. There is nothing special about my personality, there is no goodness or distinguishable pleasant characteristic about me.
I can't write about this anymore. It's making me anxious.
Maegan: (noun) A hypocritical, self centered person who believes that they are mentally and idealogically superior to everyone around them but is actually unsecure and unstable. Avoid people like these at all costs.
Jen:
Your opening paragraph was amazing, I'm not going to lie. You pretty much summed up all of my thoughts about sharing my inner self in one nice, neat introduction. Kudos!
Lindsey: LOL angry dragon that burns everyone who comes near. >:D
I NEED ONE OF THOSE!
PS-
I'll have you know that writing all of this stuff makes me feel like everyone is going to turn against me now. Now that you all know my weaknesses, I'm completely vulnerable to any attack. I'm going to be anxious for the rest of the year. (:
First off, a general comment: Everyone seems to find themself a contradiction. I wonder if that's an AP or a teenager thing...
@Sarah: I'm not sure if this was intentional, but the kinda fractured nature of your blog really made it seem more you, making the content that much more SarahfrigginCrane-esque. *golfclap*
@Ivan: I think this is the first one where we're not the same person... Troubling. But on a not-inside-joke note, very good point on the heel-turn metaphor. We rarely, if ever, change that quickly or radically, and its a bit odd to assume otherwise.
@Brendan: Hehe... Reptar... Hehe...
It is strange that such a question draws such a complete blank among so many people. This question is one that all of us have the answer to. We only need to adjust our field of vision from gazing out of the world and waiting for something that needs solving to the innermost workings of our own beings. This is much like the earth. We know almost everything there is to know about the land masses of earth, and the blue liquid that engulfs the planet is mostly unknown to us. Fortunately I am a master diver of my own mind.
The best way to answer the question at hand is to start with a blank slate. I find myself layered as all people should be. Lying the foundation is my most primal instinct. Going with the current of life my sound like a hippie ideal, but I assure you, it is certainly for everyone. The freedom of letting something go is one that may cost a point or two in homework or may upset a friend. This is well worth the reward of being free. I do things that allow me to be free. After too much commitment is required out of a relationship or anything else outside of family, I cut the strings and let the breeze take me to the next thing that is going to keep me grounded for a while. If there is no one to keep me grounded, I will still be flying with the birds. I just let my mind wander. Sometimes in class I’ll think of an abstract concept and be mesmerized. This gives me some crazy ideas. I only share some of the crazy things I formulate in my mind with people. Responses vary from astonishment to a more common response of a sarcastic laugh. This definitely angers my father who is in a rush to do everything. I can’t fight it, it’s just who I am.
Making the next layer is a check for the base competitiveness. I draw from this when I am faced with a dire situation that I know cannot be passed by. This includes projects, games and any competition I feel is worthy of my energy. A push up contest for honor, you know I’ll be reppin’ out some manly pushups no matter the muscle bound foe I must overcome. Somebody talking smack about a test and how smart they are, sure I’ll crack a book just to prove them wrong. Realistically the success rate is 72%. I’m good with that though; as long as I pull through when the rubber hits the road, I’ve got a fighting chance. If you catch me on the right day, and you challenge me I might just find you a worthy opponent, and then you’ve got a problem. Most times, you’ll find me at my base riding through the day. Try not to get your hopes up.
John Jay Masterson Jr. ( you kn-ow) noun: A person that rides the wave just to see where it will take him. Approach with an open mind from downwind.
Ben C: Perfect. The length, the background, the everything were all perfect.
Ivan D- “Now that I’ve succeeded in completely digressing from the point” haha. We all stray from the point. It’s just the way it is.
Molly and Devon:
"I love sitting at home on a Sunday, watching movies, eating chocolate, and being by myself. Devon and I have had this conversation just a while back, I don’t like going out. I like being by myself or with my family. I think I like this because those are the only times where I don’t have to be what people expect me to be."
Haha story of my life. Although I love all of you guys, a lot of times I rather be a bum in the comfort of my own home than go do something with people that I really don't feel like hanging out with. And yes, although I don't consider my family to be the closest in the world, we are all freaks when were sitting at home and watching the Colbert Report or 24 (which starts Monday!!)
Writing this blog allowed me to realize that I, of course, don’t know who I completely am yet, but that who I am is a lot more than categories, stereotypes, and groups. As I read the blog question about 20 times, I realized that who we are comes down to what we think and say and do. But above this, what really defines us is why we say and think the things we do. So as I took the example of walking through the hallways into consideration, I examined not necessarily my routines but rather what I do simply because I’m Abby Howard, not because I’m a teenager or student, but what I do as an individual.
I love laughing. I find so much beauty and depth not in a person’s words, but in there jokes and humor. The ability to make someone feel better is a quality that amazes me much more than any phrase or aphorism someone can think up. And it’s not necessarily the laugh that I get a kick out of the most, but the nostalgia of it. The fact that half of the things we laugh at our inside jokes and the other half are things that no one else thinks is funny leaves us with the fact that jokes remind us of people, things, and memories. The ability to not take our routines, thoughts, and lives too seriously simply amazes me.
On a different note, there are my insecurities. I hate doubting myself. I hate hearing something contradictory to what I think or do because in a moment, somehow my entire outlook is changed on people and life, and I hate those moments the most. Growing up, I’ve realized that I love the naïve and inexperienced life that we live for a short time. The innocence and hope that we build up when were younger, somehow breaks down as we grow up, and this process is something I fear. We read about people who look back and see the innocence of their younger selves. We realize these people are looking through a glass that is now scarred and tainted with events of death and loss. The fear of change whether it be in myself or the people around me scares me. No matter what I do or obtain, I’m afraid it will change or that I might lose it, and this makes me afraid of my own doubt.
Typical answer: I don’t think anyone really knows me. I generally get the response that ‘I don’t take anything seriously’, but honestly it’s only a technique I use because I’m afraid my life will become boring. Being completely honest, there are so many times in my day when I have to stop and think about my life, my relationships, the way I handle things, and the things I want to say. The only thing I refuse to do is become a very serious person, because no one likes those kinds of people. Maybe that’s another insecurity: I want to be liked. Another thing that few people know, is that I’m 99% sure I’m bipolar. It’s funny to say, but I really worry about myself sometimes. I don’t know why or even how something get to me, but when they do they get to my head very quickly. It’s actually really hard for me to do my blogs sometimes, because sometimes I get into the topics so deeply that I just lay down, think about life, and simply fall asleep. This also gives into a major part of who I am, a procrastinator. Besides these definitions I give myself I want to just blurt out some random ideas that I currently live by…
I don’t truly hate anyone, it takes such a load off of your shoulders when you don’t have any burnt bridges. I don’t think that you can search for happiness, but you must simply be content or happy in where your’re at; no one specific thing or idea will make you happy anyways. It feels so much better to make the best of your family rather than fight with them; after all you can’t pick your family. And in the end there’s a few things that make me feel better and they would be… when I read Bible verses they always give me some sort of direction or comfort, which inevitably eases me; music simply because it speaks to me; and my best friend because there’s definitely a lot of comfort in someone who almost completely knows you.
Abigail Leigh Howard: A person who gets by on the simple things in life; is content on the fact that some answers we will never have. Strives to be a nice person, and harbors/strives towards the actions to change, affect, and help people.
Well ok....where to begin. Well, my name is Sergei J. My work friends call me SerJ. I am a humanoid creature who dwells a planet by the name of Earth. Maybe you have heard of it before? No, well let me introduce you to my world. Take me, and multiply by a gajillion bazillion and you get humans. We live on this planet. Consisting of water, numerous organs, flesh, bones and blood, I am able to live for large numbers of days. The heart and brain are incredibly important parts of my anatomy, the former keeps my blood pumping while the latter allows for things such as thought. It is through this thought that I, along with my collegues, have been able to survive, while also making advances in various fields such as science and literature. Is there anything more? No. You know why? cause beyond all of the information in those textbooks, I don't "KNOW" who I am.
The way I see it, it is impossible to know who you are, just as it is impossible for anyone else to know who you are. We only show and allow for others' knowledge is what we "seem to think" we are. We "lie" to ourselves and others because it is impossible to really know or tell the truth. And you can't just put "shifty" or something and label that as who we are, for we all are. The holiest priest and the most deceitful crook all know nothing about themselves except for what they can deduce from few memborable glimpses of the eye. For the most part, this blog has reminded me just how sad the human condition can be. When you think about it, if you don't know yourself, what do you know? And if everything we've learned so far is what we know, how do we learn about ourselves. These questions make us who we are. It makes us a mystery. It makes us incomplete. It makes us imperfect. It makes us human.
"Its not who I am, but what I do, that defines me" - Batman
There you go a real lesson from a real hero.
So yeah, I think thats about all I can say on that subject. Its very thought provoking, but I guess if you choose my side, there is very little you can say. Of course, im not particularly, trigger happy when it comes to typing.
I supose to conclude, all I can try and say is what I believe would be my name and definition if I were to take out all the labels and other such stickies that I hold onto.
My name is # 3,547,865,219,112
My definition: Just another crumb of this apple pie called "Human Population."
To Danny:
To answer your first question, I think the better question is "Will you ever know" For most people, there will come a moment in life when we find a stump where we can sit and rest from out long journey. But you still fade into the shadows of others, for you are not the only one on that stump. If you become the next Tom Cruise, George W Bush, or Hitler, you will still be an actor, United States President, and dictator (In that order) So will you ever know?
For your second question, I would just say "don't bother." You should not dwell on your future. And as Miss Bunje said, we should not choose what we will do as 17 yearr olds. Twists and turns at ever corner await us, ones that could drastically change what we may have thought to be our path. But on the grand scale of things, we settle in at birth, into the association of "Humanity". And, on an even grander scale, we all settle into the group called "Life."
True Life- No one REALLY knows me.
Over the break I guess I realized that guys suck and I could not have told my brothers friends that enough. I was looking back at past situations and wondering why I even cared or bothered at all with certain guys. I have no confidence in myself at all and that would be why I never feel pretty enough, smart enough, or good enough for any guy. I understand that it’s an inner thing and I should have confidence but I never have. The real truth is that there is one guy who has always been there for me and would do whatever it takes to make us work. Yet, I used to do everything to screw it up, but not this time. Oh no, I’m doing everything in my power so that things will work out the way that they always should have.
Any who onto the real point here………. I have felt that everyone has more confidence than I ever have. I keep this veneer to hide how I really feel. In class I never raise my hand to answer a question because I think that if I am wrong I will look like an idiot and sometimes I don’t even ask questions to avoid sounding stupid. I admire people in class who can raise their hands and stick to their point of view. Heck, these blogs kill me because even though Ms. Bunje says, “you can never do the blog wrong” I always feel like I will.
I keep things to myself and am quiet when no else is around. Sometimes I think about the world, my distant family, or how fast times goes buy. I do not have any regrets about my past but that does not mean that I would do everything the same if I had to do it over. My birthday is in 65 days and I have been counting down every day until I get my license. I dislike my birthday I actually think that it’s not too great of a day. My grandmother passed away of breast cancer the day that I was born and my dad was an emotional wreck. Every year that I turn a year older is another year that she has been gone. My dad was extremely close to her and I know that he thinks about her all of the time. I don’t remember the last time that my grandfather sent me a birthday card or even said happy birthday to me and I really don’t blame him.
Forget this I do not want to be all depressed writing this I want to write about the happier side of my life. I love my family and they keep me sane and happy. If they were not here then I think that I would be a very different person. My mom loves me more than anyone in the world and it kills me more than anything when I disappoint her. She tells me that I could never disappoint her and I try my hardest not to by excelling in softball, keeping good grades, and making her happy. When I am all alone and no one else is there I think about how adolescence has affected me. My moods or opinions on things in certain times have affected how I react to situations. When I get rejected by a guy I blame myself or how I don’t go to my mom for advice when I always should. Well the truth is that I need to I need to ask for her advice and ask her questions. I pray that her answers and my faith in God will make a difference. Mostly when I am alone I think about the right decisions in my future.
My title of this blog should have really been – True life I don’t even know who I am!
My definition of myself-
Meagan Eleanor Lee- Still learning about life and all the circumstances that I will encounter. Finding myself in every right way possible. Trying to be the best daughter and sister humanly possible.
Maegan- “As you can probably see, I'm merely a sum of all of my flaws. There is nothing special about my personality, there is no goodness or distinguishable pleasant characteristic about me.”
After your long rant about your flaws, I can see how you may think that about yourself. But c’mon… of course there is good inside you. And to be honest, I can take some of the characteristics that you consider “flaws” and say that those are some of the best things about you.
Hayley- “I enjoy have a schedule but then again I love doing things spontaneously. I feel lost without my tracker, and when BILLY TOOK MINE TODAY I panicked. I care too much about little things, when I should be caring more about school and my future.”
Haha I can totally relate to this. Sometimes I wish I would just relax. One day, I forgot my tracker at home, and I too panicked. A case of OCD immediately came over me. At the end of the day, I kept checking my bag to make sure I didn’t forget any books. Because without my tracker, I feel lost (which I admit is completely ridiculous).
I go through life not wondering about who I am, but figuring it out. I’m seventeen years old, I’ve lived in one house my entire life, I don’t have a license, and my freedoms are limited. So as of now, I don’t have a full image of myself because I don’t think I’ve experienced nearly enough to understand every aspect of my life. But from what I have experienced. There are certain things that stick out, staples in my character that haven’t changed, and will most likely stay with me forever.
The first and most important thin about me is my love for laughter. No matter what happens to me I can always turn to my sense of humor to pull myself out of it. I want to enjoy life no matter what it throws at me, and I always try to seek the good out of the bad. Laughter is my way of coping with the suck of life, and without it I could not function. I’m a combination of corny and sarcastic. So in other words, I tell really bad jokes that don’t make sense to anyone but me. But it’s this sense of humor that gets me through the day.
As for the academic side of myself, I find that I am only driven in things I care about, and lazy when it comes to everything else. This is why I can ace a bio test, but never remember to take the trash cans in on Thursday. I can’t learn unless I want to learn, and if I don’t want to learn my mind wanders like a toddler through Toys R Us. Apathy is my problem. If I was really driven in a school subject the sky’s the limit on how far I could go, but I’m yet to find this holy subject. I say I’m going into medicine, but it’s really just a clothespin vote. I hope and pray that I find my true calling before it’s too late in my life to go back. My biggest fear is to not be happy with what I do with my life because I couldn’t live with myself if I was unhappy all the time.
I also have troubles with my confidence and self esteem. I’m afraid of trying new things because I’m embarrassed at the thought of failure. Even if I know I’m more than capable of trying something new, I’ll bas myself into submission with second guesses. If I could change one thing about myself, it would definitely be my confidence. I’m the kind of person who studies for five hours for a test and still worries himself sick. It bothers me to no end, and the worst part about it is I don’t know how to fix it. I tell myself its something that will fade with time and experience, but I really don’t know if it’s true.
I can’t finish this blog unless I say something about the hyperactivity of my mind. I’m constantly thinking. I create theories about life, run through hypothetical situations in my head, make inventions and find the cure for cancer. My mind can’t be stopped and it’s always hungry for more. I know exactly what the guy in the statue , “The Thinker” is feeling, because I too have urges to sit on giant rocks naked and just think.
When I look at all my family and friends, there are only two people who know who I am. Two people who see the real Michael Nanfara on a daily basis, and accept him in their lives. And if they had to put myself simply it would probably be this
Michael Theodore Nanfara – Smart but lazy, funny but stupid
As much as I hate to sounds like a whiny Simple Plan song, its true. No one gets me. Even my family doesn’t really know the real me. As a result of several summers of theatre camp and many middle school musicals, I became pretty good at acting; but as much as I loved it, in order to play sports, I had to stop when I got to high school. The problem is, that even though the curtains have long closed, I have yet to stop acting.
I say,” everything is alright,” even when it isn’t. I may be miserable, but I’ll put on a cheery smile and never let you know the difference.
I’ve gotten so good at this that I’ve begun to fool myself. I’ve let my so-so ambitions overshadow my true ambitions, because I can’t tell the difference anymore. I’m anxious, I’m not sure if the path I’m heading down is the path I want to take, or is the path I’ve convinced myself to take. For awhile, I wanted to lawyer. I loved Law & Order. I use to follow around my dad and ask him question about his job, he works in the justice department. But then I started thinking seriously about being in fashion. I keep going back and forth. I need to make a decision. Art or law school? At the moment, I’ve settled on art school, but, truthfully, do I want this? Or have I conditioned myself to want it?
I feel like I’m playing a character, more specifically I feel like I’m staring in the Goosebumps movie, The Haunted Mask. One Halloween this girl puts on a bewitched mask. When she tries to remove the mask, it remains stuck to her face. No matter how hard the girl pulled, black magic kept the mask from moving. I suffer a similar scenario. I’ve made attempts to throw away my mask and introduce people to the real me; but I’m worried that no one will like this other side of me. It’s fun to play a character on stage that everyone hates, after all its just an act, but it’s not fun to have everyone hate your real self.
So what am I really like? I’m a dreamer. My head is perpetually stuck in the clouds. I tend to be optimistic. I believe anything is possible with enough hard work and effort. I think I’ll be successful no matter what career I choose. I want to make a difference. I want to inspire. Without my role models, I wouldn’t be in the position I am today. I like to help others. I was extremely proud when the freshman girl, that I took under my wing, joined student council and said she wanted to play a sport next season. Knowing that I’ve made a just a little difference in someone’s life makes me want to pass on more knowledge and wisdom to others.
If it isn’t obvious, I tend to focus a lot on the future. I have tendency to make agendas and elaborate plans. I border the line between neat and ocd. I color code my closets, notebooks and folders, shoes, etc. I like my room to be clean and well organized.
Although I may come off as quiet, maybe even a little icy. Once I get to know you, I’m actually very friendly. I love helping my friends and people I don’t even know. I have sense of humor. Demetri Martin is my fav comic<3 I can be goofy and I like making others laugh. I’m an animal lover. I want to own as many dogs as possible when I grow up. I’m a night person, I get really hyper after 11pm. I’m huge popcorn, it’s my favorite food.
I wish more people knew the real me. I think if they met that side of me, they’d see how friendly and fun I am. Once in class, during an exercise, everyone partnered up and the teacher told us to describe what shape our partner was. Jokingly I said that my partner was a triangle, because she was funny and the triangle looked like a clown hat. She said I was a circle. She told me she felt like she only knew one side of me and that I was holding back another side of me. It’s heartbreaking to get left out because you’re a little shyer than everyone else. This year I was finally warming up to people, hoping to become better friends, only to find that I was too late. I’d been left out all alone.
Caitlin McIntyre- A good kid with a good heart who’s just wants to make a name for herself in the world, without falling on her face.
“If anybody asked you who I am,
Just stand up tall
Look’em in the face and say:
I’m that star up in the sky.
I’m that mountain peak up high.
Hey, I made it.
I’m the world’s greatest.
And I’m that little bit of hope
When your back’s against the ropes.
I can feel it.
I’m the world’s greatest.”
-R. Kelly
This is one of my favorite songs, and a great song to sing. However, I don’t really count myself as the world’s greatest. Who am I? I asked myself this one million times since reading this question. Without all those things you listed, like traits and hobbies, this question seems pretty impossible to me, but I shall try my best.
I am the type of person who, when beginning to write this, thinks about how conceited or selfish or self-loving I will sound. I don’t want to sound like that, but with this blog, it is pretty much inevitable. So…
I sing. I love singing to my very core. It’s the most real thing about me that I show to people. There is just so much emotion, so much passion put into singing a favorite song that it just takes my breath away sometimes. The other day, when I was practicing a song for my mom, she told me it was perfect EXCEPT that I need to stop closing my eyes and scrunching up my forehead. She said it doesn’t look attractive, and it will give me wrinkles. Like I care. When I sing, all my emotions come out, usually more in the shower. So I cannot help it if in that time that is mine to savor, I tend to scrunch my face while hitting that tip top high note on the bridge of the song. Plus, the scrunching on the faces of other singers makes me respect them more because I know the depth in which their feelings are at that moment.
I think I am kind most of the time. The only time I am not is when someone has done something to me or something/someone I care for. After that, I tend to make very rash and impetuous decisions. I like to seek revenge. That’s terrible, I know, but I only feel this way when I am very angry and feel like blowing up from the actions of others around me. Thus, my mom is continuously telling me, “Megan! You cannot fight fire with fire! It just makes a bigger fire! You have to fight fire with water!” WHATever, my fire is better.
I also tend to let my emotions get the best of me, and sometimes sway my decisions. When I’m happy, I am nice and friendly to everyone. When I am energetic, which is usually because of extreme happiness, I act kind of crazy on the outside, and will probably to mostly any dare someone tells me to. When I am totally down in the dumps, I feel like I could break out in tears any moment, especially when people are being mean. (God, that sounds like a 4 year old.) I feel like everyone can see through my fake, very forced smile that I put on when I am truly sad. When I am mad, particularly at a person, I tend to not talk as much, to them, usually not at all. If they ask me something, I’ll respond, but other than that, nada. Plus, if you know me, I am almost never quiet. This leads me to another thing about me. I talk a lot. I like to talk, and be heard. I was always one of those kids who got “Very Talkative” on their report cards. Hahah…my parents always got so mad at that. =) Also, you’d at least think I would have become more…a…respectful I guess, but I got another “Too Talkative” on my report card last year! Oh boy.
I could explain every part of me, but I think I’ll get on to the definition of me.
Miss Megan Songprasit – Noun. One who is kind, careful, and unique. Has oodles of love to share with the world. A girl who has always wanted to be a singer for her entire life, and still does. Enjoys revenge to those who deserve it, and gives in to her emotions quite a bit. She isn’t very materialistic, and could care less about wearing clothes that are $234 a piece. Has a passion to create from ordinary objects. Capable of being bitchy at times. Believes in superstition and wishing on stars and 11:11. Truly believes in soul mates. A girl who is easily made to feel guilty, and gets taken advantage of because of it. A girl that is one of a kind. =)
^ Ok, so to me, that seems like a cross between a personal ad and an About Me on MySpace. Whaaaaaaaaateva!
Another song! (One of my old favorites) =)
“You should never try to change me
I can be nobody else
and I like the way I am!
What you see
is what you get.
This is me,
Hey YOU! Oh if your want me don’t forget!
You should take me as I am
cause I can promise you,
Baby what you see is what you get.”
MATT W.- “But after mulling it over, I think it is possible that there are a few, select people, who really, deep down, know who I am underneath of the veneers I so casually put one each and every day.”
I guess after reading your blog I feel like there are people who may know who I really am but the truth is don’t even know who I am yet. I think it is one of those fazes that teenagers go through ya know trying to find yourself and all that crazy jazz. The annoying jazz where that beat gets stuck in your head and you try and convince yourself that the beat makes since but it doesn’t. It turns out that the beat doesn’t go to your drum and you finally realize it showing yourself who you really are.
I'm sure this has always been one of the great mysteries of life when we rake sir all intro introspective. Who am I? What fills this body? Who occupies my heart and mind? What lays below all this flesh and blood? What is in the depots of this mind?
Many people spend great hours of expedition trying to answer this question for themselves. A journey to the center of the earth can be less tedious when it comes to this subject. At least if you manage to make that journey, you know when the end has come. In finding yourself, you never know when the end might be. Is this all me? Maybe this is the end? Or is it? For no one can even talk about this subject without being confronted with somewhat of a challenge to admit it to everyone, as embarrassing as it is: when i first looked at this blog, I spent the first hour looking at the screen down-right talking to myself about another time when I find myself touching this subject. Hell, I was basically giving myself a speech. The only thing that stopped me from continuing with this is the fact I talked myself right to sleep for an hour or so. Now, I don't believe anyone else was this dazed at the subject that they basically turned mad, though I could be wrong, but I'm sure no one truly could look at this blog and say “Easy.” The soon understood why Bunje said you couldn't simply righ this in fiteen minutes. The subject seems ever so close yet can be the farhest thing from what you really know.
From one respect, can I can seperate from most of my peers and say that I know exactly this person I am. I am Billy Cheatam.
I'm fun loving and can be an extremely wild person. I am filled with tons of confidence and tend not to care about quiters. I torture and annoy people just for the sake of being a jerk or for ppersonal reason s. I try to prsent humor when the situation is uncalled for or I'm the only one in the room smiloing. The one basdically unaware of things and in a poor definition of the word “weird” compared with most others. The kid who suddenly gets down on himself for no reason. The one who holds obsessions nad hopes that what he believes or wants comes true. The one who people laugh around and then behind his back call him crazy or havew no real respect for him. The one who balantly acts ridiculous for no particular reason. To tello you the truth sometimes I can love this Billy Cheatham and sometimes I can hate him. Actually, tendig more to hate him anymore. But the point is, I believe to a certain extent, if not to a full, I have come to understand who I am and what my life is.
Oppposition always seems to persist. Maybe it is a matter of putting on a show or I am really confused on the matter. Although I really think I know myself, the dissatisfaction with whom I am and/or lack of presecense in myself leads me down the exact oppsoite of the path. Is the name “Billy Cheatham” really hold in it all that? Is that really who I am or who I want to be? Many times, I soubt it. Usually, I say no. This isn't really who I am. I don't really feel the way I express to other people. I don't intend on giving myself the labels covering my naked soul.
no. I actually have no clue who I am. I think about things one way, knowing the next day those things not be set in atone. What I prsent myself to people as is much different then who I truely am. By no means am I saying I'm a darker, more-depressed person, but I don't think I am really what I appear. Not just to others either, but to muyelf. And that is my true grand secret in life,not knowing who I am. And maybe thats the best part about life; not knowing...
So who am I really? Who are you? Who is anyone? There is only one answer to those questions: no answer. Who we are and what we take from life is all part of finding who we really are. I don't think we can reallt sit back and tell in a blog who we are. No one will ver be truly honest or truly relaxed or even truly willing to do so. Better yet, not even capable. How can you be asked so quickl;y to figure out who your are? The only way you can find this oput is through yeatrs of concentrating on the question, which in the end may dissapoint you. We dcan not find ourselves this way or even bother. What ever actions you take on the grand scheme of life will really show who you are. You shouldn't stop to contimplate on the matter of these actions weither. Just continue on and be who you are. In the ned you casn not changte that, so keep going with it. Your true colors will blume by the end of life and you will see who you were and how you changed. That, at least, is what I believe and who I am.
I don't care about the speelling in this; it's part of who I am. Nor should it matter.
To Jordan
I think this is the best blog you've written so far. It had a lot of witty comments that summed up your life pretty well. But my favorite by FAR was this one
"You give me a billion dollars and I'll want a billion and one dollars. "
Man, I can attest to that.
"Once upon a time, 2009 to be exact, in a land called south jersey lived a kid named me: Jon Scheaffer."
And everyonme should love this kid ;p.
As you can probably see, I'm merely a sum of all of my flaws. There is nothing special about my personality, there is no goodness or distinguishable pleasant characteristic about me.”
I don't know why you hold yourself down on this. If you keep listing your flaws and how you suck, it's probably understandable. But why do you do that? If you truly want to see yourself, you shouldn't do that. Your only going to dperess yourself.
God damn it, Kelly, you beat me to this :p oh well, i'll post what i had to say anyway
Wow, i think i should have read other people's blogs because mines different...
Leonor - "...truly believe that there is no one in this world who knows yourself better than yourself. I mean we all have those times where we have to reflect upon our past, or look at our future to figure out who we want to be. "
I totally agree with you. I think that different people know parts of me, which means that no one person knows the entirity that is me. Only ourselves can possibly know al of ourselves. You definitely worded it perfectly. =)
At the beginning of the year, I was able to attend a Christian Athletes meeting here at the Oak. In the middle of the meeting, Mr. Monroe said something that really struck me. He said that every person has the potential to change someone’s life. Just think about a person who is constantly being bullied and who’s having a really hard time in school. One day, why don’t you flash them a smile? Because that one smile might just change their life.
-Nyge
I really believe in this action. If you read my response, you’d know that I believe in the ability of humor, or in this case the action of being genuinely nice, to be the cure to taking a huge load off of someone’s shoulders. Personally, this year I quickly found out that a good amount of my classes aren’t the best, but in one class my friend Jeremy is in it and just hanging out with him for 45 minutes gives me something to look forward to all day. I guess you could say he’s one of the people who make me laugh and take my mind off of life if only for just a little while. I’ve always wanted to go to one of these Christian Athletes meetings by the way and now I think ill go to one, by the way your blog is very admirable.
As juniors in high school, all of us have gone through many changes. Your personal apparel and style, attitude, and goals have all varied from when you were younger. I’m sure you became aware of this in a similar way as I did, rummaging through the past with the new friends or family. I remember distinctly walking through the lunchroom last year to throw out my trash and a Mullican pointed at me and said look there she is! Wouldn’t you know the entire table was passing around a Davies Middle School ‘yearbook’. I happened to be on the page of choice and this occurrence brought me back to the old me, the hardxcore Vikkie Morano. It is absolutely amazing that we once accepted ourselves as what we now despise or can’t believe we were. Maybe it’s just me, but my fashion sense and makeup ideals were the harbingers of a sad existence. Thank God I fixed that up!
The old me was a dreamer, a naïve and callow child who believed she was more mature than anyone else because she had been through hell growing up. What wasn’t relevant to me then was that I had a million times more growing up to do, even by the time I turned 16. I’ve been through a lot of the stages already. Straight edge, punk/goth, preppy, party goer, experimentalist, and indie. I can honestly say that each of these stages (stages meaning: clothing and attitude coincide with each other and yoke in the name/stereotype) to try and please someone else, or to ‘fit in’. Everyone at some point in their lives has tried to fit in. There is no denying this fact. Trying to fit in is like a test drive of a car (not like I’ll be taking any more of those for a while!) You blow around with the group/stereotype and see how you feel in it. It could be too fast or too slow. It could look nice on the outside but when you take your seat, you realize this isn’t what you want. And you simply hop out and test the next one. Finding yourself is like finding the perfect car. (I’ll be lost for about another year…... and three months!)
Basically, I’ve said all that to say this, I am not any of those groups anymore. I can’t label myself as any type of stereotype or stage because I may look one way, but my attitude and outlook is completely different. A stereotype isn’t the epitome of my being anymore, but don’t get me wrong I still don’t know who I am yet just because I am not a part of some broad label.
I am a very outgoing, rebellious (obviously), flirtatious, and diminutive aspiring adult circumscribed by my date of birth and childish body. I live on impulses that constantly get me into trouble. I play around and say cocky things but I am constantly doubting myself and double taking my face in the mirror. I need a compliment to actually give me a boost here and there. I am never satisfied with what I have; I’m always in a constant need of something. I don’t have enough expensive clothes or the boy I thought I liked is suddenly annoying me for no apparent reason. I like to please and help people in any way I can. I love listening to elderly people tell the stories of their lives because it’s always better than any movie you’ll ever watch, it’s real and I exist on reality. But I want to be in the limelight, I want the world to know who I am, I want to be featured in a huge stadium with millions of people singing along with me, is that reality? And I’m so afraid of the future, and growing to be over 60, where’s the reality in that? I’m not quite sure what all of this says about me as a person because I am not good at formulating ideas about my characteristics and traits, frankly I’m scared to know. There is so much more to be said on this subject.
Victoria Louise Morano (n.) – A developing woman who is unsure of what her existence truly lies within but knows what she wants to do in life. Despite her inner conflicts, she has a smile on her face daily and tries to do everything in her power to make things go the way they should. (for her benefit of course)
Synonyms: flirt, rebel, social butterfly, and roller coaster height requirements
See also: Impetuous and evasive
Haha! I have the 100th comment! Nice!!!
I just wanted to say DANG!! Ivan, you have the same definition as me! Haha, nice! I approve! HUMANS UNITE!!!
Why, Bunje? Why did you make me against flag burning? Kudos, though on picking the one argument that I could never get behind and giving it to me. And the source on the blog? I hate whoever started that website and that little club! The site says "In 1989 the Supreme Court, in response to a flag burning by a communist, amended the Constitution by inserting flag burning into the Bill of Rights. Their decision took away a fundamental right of the American people, a right we possessed since our birth as a nation, the right to protect our flag. We believe that decision was an egregious error and distorted our Constitution."
Well, gee, I didn't think that FASCISM was supported "since our birth as a nation." Here I was laboring under the delusion that we seperated from Britain for more freedom. Silly me.
Hey crazy right-wing freaks! The right to protect the flag (whatever the hell that means) isn't anywhere in the Constitution, but I could have swore I saw this little section on free speech... Oh yeah, that was the first ammendment, you losers! It covers symbolic speech, too!
Seriously, what are the people who wrote this insane crap thinking? They make it sound like flag burning is going to destroy America! NO! You know what is REALLY going to destroy America? Crazy right-wingers trying to take away our right to free speech!
Just reading that website and knowing that I'm going to have to formulate an intelligent argument from similar tripe is making ME want to burn a flag.
Okay, I think I'm done venting now. Back to my work.
Seriously, if these idiots ever actually get flag burning outlawed, I am burning a flag in protest.
This arguement is so pointless. The pro side has the Supreme Court, the Constitution, and the ethos of a nation on their side; we have jingoism.
Okay, Bunje, you got me. You picked one of the only things that sets me off. I've got to give you props for finding my sore spot so quickly. Seriously, how'd you know? It's not like I'm that vocal about my political opinions (couh, cough, meg r).
Honestly, I just hope I'll be able to find an arguement that actually makes sense, unlike the ones made by my good freinds at wehatefreespeech.org. Wish me luck.
Allow me to start with a rant: Yesterday, I had dance until nine o clock at night. I knew, leaving at six am, that I wouldn’t be home until nine, but because I had my blog already written, I was not worried. I figured I’d get home, copy, paste, voila, and then comment before I went to bed. Unfortunately, fate had other plans. At 8:30, the lights went out at my dance studio. The stereo made a strange EEEEEOOOOUUUUU noise and then BAM made a loud fuzzy noise before shutting off entirely. Some girls screamed, and as we stood there in the darkness, all I could think was ‘Crap. I had better have internet at my house.’ So I dig out my cell and call my mom, who can’t pick me up until 9 anyway, because dad won’t be home to watch the babies. She also informs me that no, we don’t have power, but don’t worry, it ought to be on again soon.
What she neglected to take into account, of course, is that nobody cares about Thelma Ave. When there’s an accident on our street, it isn’t cleaned up for days. When our neighbors’ house was broken into, police didn’t arrive for hours. When, once in a lifetime, it snows, my street is the last to be plowed, salted or sanded. It’s a baby dead-end street that few people acknowledge exists, and as such, we were still lacking power last night when I got home at nine thirty. But so were all the houses we passed on the way home from dance, so it’s not that which I’m bitter about. No, it’s the fact that I woke up in, dressed in, and had to try to find matching socks in acrimonious darkness at six o clock this morning. The electrical blow out elsewhere in town had apparently blown a translator at the head of our street, which officials refused to acknowledge until mid-morning. So it was not until right now, after getting home from drama, that I was able to post this ridiculously troublesome blog. So you had better all enjoy it. -.-
Do other people know me? It’s a valid question. I would have to say yes, to a certain extent. I’m very open about myself, and if you don’t know something about me, it’s probably because you’ve never asked. I keep secrets very well, but anything I view as public knowledge, you are welcome to. I’m also very vocal about my opinions, so most people know a lot about my values and moral fortitude, or lack thereof, based on opinion, and I don’t really mind that. Few people can guess what I’m thinking, or understand my mumbles, or identify with my hopes, but I think almost everyone knows more than they need to about who I am. Taking into account the number of people who have read my blogs or heard me read my journal in freshman year, a lot of people could probably answer this question for me; if not quite the way you want it answered. There’s only one problem with all of this. I don’t think I know myself. And if that’s true, I’m not sure how my classmates can know me. See, I have a bit of a problem. When I first read this blog question, I knew immediately what I wanted to say. I thought instantaneously of who I think I am at my most basic level, and stopped there, because that’s what you were asking for. Us, stripped of all the others define us as. But everyone was having such trouble with it, that I feel like it can’t possibly be that easy… Well, I’ll give you my immediate thoughts and you can tell me why I’m wrong.
I think, at heart, in my soul, I am a mommy. When I was trying to define myself, I quickly ran through a couple levels, the first being based on my goals in life; I am a dancer. But if I got in a horrible accident and broke my legs or got paralyzed or had a kid and was too pregnant or fat to dance, I would still be Fiona. So next was based on my life; I’m a lousy student, a non-achiever. But I know that somehow, someway, I could probably overcome that, and anything that could change can’t be who you are. So last was based on my family; I am a mom. Even before I had my first sister I was a mom. My mother likes to tell this story a lot when people ask about life in Indiana;
‘Well, there was this beautiful park near the apartment where Fiona was born. In fact, when she was two we used to bring her there weekly, and she’d yell at the kids who were rough-housing and give lots of hugs to five year olds with skinned knees. When I got pregnant with Elizabeth, we never worried how she’d react to having a baby in the house. She was already a big sister to all she purveyed.’
I tried to make it not work, testing it in every way. If I never have kids, news stories about two-year olds who get killed in a fire caused by their Christmas tree will still make me cry, and I’ll still end up doing enough research on the story to send a “My Sympathies” card to the mother. (Worst. Day. After. Christmas. Ever.) Even if I never saw a child again in my life, I’d still offer to edit Paul’s papers and send my college friends mommy-made baskets of homemade cookies and chocolate. Even if children stopped coming to me for tutoring, and hugs, and band aids, and torn favorite dresses and empty tummies, I would still carry band aids and a mini sewing kit in my purse, and listen to Hilary finally talk about that total jerkface, and make brownies or dinner for anyone who was feeling sad. Even if, god forbid, I couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, couldn’t make a sound, couldn’t hear a thing, the baby at the end of Knocked Up still would have made me squeak AWWWWWWWWWWWWW in my head. So, as you may have guessed by now, here goes:
Fiona- (fee OH na) n. One who exhibits the need to care for others, feed others, coo at/awww at/squal at the sight of/hold babies, play with toddlers, talk with small children, teach kids of all ages, give suitable amounts of goodwill and chocolate to all who require it, put up with things you would not imagine, and various other matronly or baby-addict-like habits.
Okay, I feel a little better now that I've thrown a good old-fashioned hissy fit, meaning: After reading the source information provided, I shrieked in frustration and rage, threw myself facedown on the ground, and beat my fists and feet upon the floor with all my might. Seriously, I know it sounds childish, but it helps releave anger. Back to my actual work now.
Sarah Crane and Tamari: I also still own my dinner dance dress, and I also wear it occasionally. I went to a formal cast party over the summer and wore that to it, because not only does it still fit me, but it also looks better on me now than it did in 8th grade. XDDDDD (that might have something to do with the fact that I'm not totally flat as a board anymore, but I can't be sure...)
I'm perplexed. We've been given topics we're supposed to disagree with. So far I have had pro-gay-marriage, and con-prayer-in-schools. I strongly support gay rights, and I could care less about prayer in school. If I had to choose a side, I’d be moderately against.
What kind of vibes have I been giving off? I'm not sure I like the character I've appeared to be.
Sarah C:
Sorry to hear you so vehemently oppose your debate. It must suck. However, try googling flag burning cons or flag burning debates because i found somethings that aren't really outlandish and make sense. I am with you free speech is free speech, but these seem to be much more down to earth. if you want the links i can do that but then you opposition can see them, so it is up to you. If i am not suppose to be helping you, sorry bunje, i didn't know, but don't worry my help won't do all that much just remember my fail.
Matt I just saw your post please send me those links right away!
I'm looking on Google, too, but have not been very successful
I even found a conservative argument against the flag-burning ammendment. Everything my opposition says MAKES SENSE.
This site look at por becuase it is should it be banned:
http://www.youdebate.com/DEBATES/FLAG_BURNING.HTM
This site juxtaposes the pors and cons, it seems helpful, look at the pros again:
http://www.idebate.org/debatabase/topic_details.php?topicID=175
this site had president Obama condemning flag burning:
http://usliberals.about.com/b/2006/06/28/sen-barack-obama-on-voting-against-flag-burning-amendment.htm
These are pretty good to me if you need more, I can keep looking just let me know. hope this helps :)
i think the first link was cut off so here it is again:
http://www.youdebate.com/DEBATES/FLAG_BURNING.HTM
it did it again grr let try this again
http://www.youdebate.com/DEBATES/
FLAG_BURNING.HTM
it finally worked. if any of them don't work i'll repost them
Thanks, Matt! :)
No problemo. It is a pleasure :)
Bunj-
There's like no stuff for pro prayer in schools, SO I've come up with something brilliant (hopefully)..... >:D
BE PREPARED FOR THIS PHILOSOPHY.
Sarah Crane, I dunno if you're still online or even awake, but I'd feel bad calling your house at 10, and since you don't have a cell I'm reverting to the blog: I'm trying to find out exactly what countries are under the European Convention on Human Rights, because if we aren't included in there (which I'm dubious about, since it is the EUROPEAN Convention) then it's possible the subtextual "freedom of expression" is unapplicable.
also, thanks matt. :]
Also, even if it was against Bunje's rules to help us, we wouldn't need the help if the site recommended to us wasn't like "Damn, y'all, a commie tried to burn a flag but we'll get um next time!"
First off, Johnson wasn't a communist. Second, your ammendment, although it was close, lost. Give me a break.
This blog has been bothering me since Friday, when I realized that I had written some false information. I never really stopped to consider it before, but now that I completely embarassed myself in Friday, my eyes have been opened. Now, although no one will read it, I feel compelled to correct all the untrue things that I've written, just so I can feel better about the whole situation. I'd rather rewrite it and have it be true then let a bunch of lies sit on the screen.
That's what this is all about, after all. Friday's debate. Now, I don't expect anyone to understand this, or be able to relate to it, but I took that debate EXTREMELY personally. It was so devastating to me, because I NEVER lose a debate. NEVER. Even if I lose, I still win because I always have the last word. I'm never at a loss for words. Debating has always been my strong point, and I've always managed to come up with a response, even if it isn't necessarily full of truth. Until Friday, that is.
Standing in front of the class, feeling utterly humiliated and helpless, I realized that I've been filling my brain with a bunch of garbage. Maybe I'm not as smart as I thought I am, I thought to myself. Obviously my treasured debating and arguing skills are sub-par if I can't even answer a simple question, I reasoned. Finally, in a fit of rage, I angrily concluded that there was absolutely NO excuse for that horrible performance. And that's when it hit me.
I'm not this "master debater" that I thought I am. I'm not some brilliant girl genius who's ideas reign supreme. I'm nothing that I made myself out to be. How could I be? If I can't even keep my cool for three minutes and answer some basic questions, how can I even consider myself to be anything special? There is absolutely no excuse or accusations to be made. The point is, I failed. Miserably.
And as all these thoughts flashed through my mind, and I flapped about like a fish out of water, something even more terrible occured to me. What do I have now? Without my one defining feature, which I had just given away, what else was there left of me? Everyone knows that Maegan Reese is synonymous with champion debater. That's my signature, my only special characteristic. Without it, I'm nothing. I'm nothing now. It doesn't matter that it was one debate, one argument out of many. It doesn't matter that I had a hard topic with minimal information. I dropped the ball. I messed up, and it was all my fault that we lost. I was mortified, humiliated, and ashamed in myself, and for the first time in my life, I lost all motivation to argue. I was (and still am, for that matter) defeated. I never want to go against the grain again. What's the point? I'll eventually be beaten in the end, and I'd rather skip the embarassment and sink into the woodwork. Please, Ms. Bunj, don't make me do a debate again. Please.
I tried to explain this to both my parents and Jordan, and all of them had trouble understanding my logic. But, it makes perfect sense to me. I tried to make them see that this was the only aspect of life that I actually excel in (unlike my more perfect opponents), and to lose it in such a silly way is more than I can handle. They all agreed, however, that I was overreacting and should just get over myself. In fact, this is pretty much how the conversation with my mother went down:
Mom: Maegan, you're too hard on yourself. You aren't going to be good at EVERYTHING. It's not that big of a deal. Stop nitpicking and just move on!
Me: No, mom. You don't understand. Besides, I'm not even being hard on myself. I'm just being honest. I'd rather know what I am than believe in what I'm not."
Mom: Well, stop that. It's not healthy.
Me: So the real message here is 'be dishonest'?
Mom: I guess so.
Well, that's just not going to fly. I'm not dishonest with myself, and I won't pull the wool over my eyes just to make myself feel better. I can't really write anymore about this, because it's starting to upset me. However, I have found a temporary solution- until I can manage to become what I believed that I was, I'm going to be a compulsive agreer. I've got my notebook, my pencil, and my mind, and that's all I need until I can gain the skill to communicate with other people without sounding like a complete idiot.
Anyways, the point of this long rant was just to say that I regret writing all that "brain power" nonsense about how great of a debater I was and how confident I was in my mental prowess. It's not true. How embarassing.
Whew. I feel much better now that I've fixed things up.
Have a nice weekend. :)
Maegan Reese- There is an intense chance that you will never look back to your blog corrections, and will never see this comment, but I will write it anyway because it needs to be said.
There are times- there will always be times- that for a while, we lose sight of who we are, what we stand for, or what we believe in. We view these times as defeats, and we think about our previous self-perception as a misconception. We, as a nation, have very little patience for being wrong, and we reject who we were and are once again lost into the storm of ambiguity. But this instance is not unavoidable. People of strength and confidence can rise above a single misconception and evaluate it. Weigh it against all the other ideas they have about themselves and edit it. We are only human beings, except Myra, who may or may not be a robot, and as human beings it is within our nature to change constantly, to adapt. Sometimes this natural process brings us backwards a little, but it cannot change who you are.
Perhaps, Maegan, the high intellect you thought defined you was simply a facet of yourself. Being argumentative and able to support everything you say is a skill unto itself, and it does not have to be connected with winning arguments. Making intelligent arguments against everything is difficult to an extreme not many people could rise to, but you succeed in doing so every day of your life. Maybe you won't always win. Maybe you won't always be right. But you'll always have a beautiful strong mind that not only forms its' own opinions, but sticks by them to the bitter end, and I respect that.
Maegan Reese- n. One who can be overly critical of herself, but has an amazing mind and thought process that gains the respect of those around her. :)
Maegan:
I think you are taking the debating thing to heart more than you should. Debates are just like your swim competitions, you win some, you loose some. Everyone knows that you are a very strong speaker and writer who can think of brilliant ideas on the spot. Why you have denied the acknowledgement that many people have given you, I don't know, but I think you should know that accepting failure is not going to help you in the long run. If you loose a race in swimming, you don't ask Scott to take you out of the next couple of meets all together. So why do the same with these mini-debates? Everyone looses sometimes, fails, and falls down, but it's the ones who rally back and win the next time that really can call themselves great.
<3
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