Last Guys Don't Finish Nice
I am feeling a bit cynical this evening, pumpkins, and for that, I apologize; I think that my internal struggle with cynicism may have influenced this week's intellectual proposition. I shall let you be the judge, however, as to whether or not this was a good or a bad thing.
As many of you know, and if you didn't you do now, I am not that into people. There are a select few I would ever willingly share time with, and more often than not, it shows. Now, before I go any further, I feel it pertinent to actually define what I mean when I say "people." (sidebar: the fact that we are about to start the Definition Mode unit is simply serendipity!) So, here it goes, for lack of a more...academic definition: PEOPLE: Individuals who are not kids or animals, mostly over the age of 25 and under the age of 80.
And there you have it--the definition of people in the world of Cassie Bunje.
This rather pessimistic and certainly asocial view of the human race is not something with which I was born, however, I feel that it began cultivating itself at a rather young age. My childhood was not one to be looked back upon wistfully, and it didn't really get much better as I grew into young adulthood. This was due, almost entirely, to my interactions with and observations of, you guessed it--people. In fact, until I became a teacher, I held out very little hope that I would ever be able to gaze upon the face of another human being without a hint of scorn, mistrust or distaste. True story. Truth be told, and this is not me being dramatic at all--you could probably accurately say that teaching saved my soul. More on that later.
So, in my reading today, I happened upon an interesting quote. I would like you to read and reflect on this quote and tell me what you come up with in terms of whether or not you agree with what it says, and what it even means. As always, qualify your answer with an anecdote of personal experience to help illustrate the point you are making.
Here it is:
"Niceness is a decision. It is a strategy of social interaction; it is not a character trait."
Have fun, poppets...
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12 comments:
I’d like to start by saying I’ve been checking the blog on a semi daily basis just in case something like this was posted after the end of last year. This is like a mini dream come true! Thank you Bunje and keep posting, I need to keep my brain running before it turns to mush in Kopania’s class. As for my post, I don’t think we can talk about niceness without talking about groups, he we go again…
The way we “fit” in society boggles the mind. We are social creatures, belonging to (or at least want to belong) a group is in our genes. The differentiation between groups however, is a completely different ballgame. Much like football, our group is dictated by our skillset. The fastest are receivers, the biggest are linemen, the most nimble are running backs. The same logic applies when finding a group. We look for people that match our skill set. Whether it be athletes or assholes, bitches or brainiacs, comedians or crackheads, we find a group that we can relate to and join it.
These groups are not one dimensional. People are three dimensional objects consisting of their personality, skills, and status. These three variables combine to form an eternally amorphous shape. We join a group that lacks our amorphous shape, or we change our shape to fill a hole the group needs. Like an amoeba, we change our shape to survive in our surroundings.
Niceness is a fraction of one dimension of our protozoic lives. If it helps us fit, we are nice, if it doesn’t, we are not. Pause for a Minute and think about this.
Think of the absolute nicest person you know. Then think of the environment they live in, or come from.
I can guarantee that there is a dominant influence, such as their family, or religion, that makes them act nice, because it makes them fit in their group.
The nicest person we know is obviously an extreme example, and for the average person niceness is not so clear cut. For the average person it is a conscious choice. We will be nice if we feel it enhances our chance at belonging to our group of choice.
The frequency and magnitude of this nicesness is dependant upon our group and dictates our interactions when we are temporarily away from our base group. If niceness is a major part of a person’s mold, it becomes a hardened part of their amoebic shape, and carries over to interactions not within the group. If being nice isn’t a key factor in belonging in a group, the person might be an asshole from time to time.
Bunje’s quote holds truth. To the average person, niceness is a social decision, It is implemented if needed to belong, or an attitude kept from belonging to a group with which it was a custom.
As a true pessimist, it's in my blood to believe that no one is genuinely "nice." A person cannot be defined as "nice," they can just behave nicely—in a polite, respectable, kind manner. But the motives behind one's actions are almost never pure. Instead, they reflect one's upbringing, nervous behavior, need for social acceptance, or manipulative ways.
Growing up in a house where I was taught to always be polite, I quickly realized some advantages. When calling a friend's house, I had to say "Hi, this is Jennifer Pilallis. May I speak to __, please?" When given a ride home, I said, "Thank you so much for the ride home. I really appreciate it." When leaving someone's house, I thanked my friend and then thanked the parents for allowing me to stay over. It was always "Thank you for __." "I appreciated __." "It was nice to have met you." I laughed at stupid jokes so people thought they're funny. I held the door open because it's "polite." But none of these actions made me a nice person; they just made me appear nice. If I was never taught how to act this way, I probably wouldn't. I realized that this show I put on helped me gain trust and friends, and seem responsible and mature. At this point in life, it's natural for me to do "nice" things because of how I was raised, but I have ulterior motives. And, again, as a pessimist, I know that most people's intentions are driven by self-interest.
People hate awkward or unsettling situations. And I'm not saying that just because I especially despise them. If someone suddenly bursts into tears or trips in the hallway and lands on their face, or someone's parent dies, people become hesitant. There may be an "Are you okay?" or "I understand how you feel" or "Everything will get better, don't worry." But no one really cares. People just act nice because they don't know how else to react. It is the socially acceptable thing to do: pretend to care, pretend to feel bad, pretend to show sympathy. But acting nice out of nervousness proves that people just want others to think they're nice. This grants them a higher level of "respect" and "kindness," which boosts them up in the social hierarchy system.
Like Michael said, we're just creatures looking to find a group—a place of belonging—and being nice helps accomplish that. This type of behavior begins at such a young age, like a little kid sharing his toys with others so he can make friends. Being "nice" is the bridge to friendship and social gain. There isn't really a problem with this behavior, except that people aren't nice for the sake of being nice, they're nice because of the benefits. I generally don't like (to put it lightly) most people at Oakcrest. But in order to survive these past 4 years here, I had to adjust and hope to find my own little niche. Oakcrest especially helped me realize that being either nice or mean determined my acceptance. But I use this to my advantage—I am nice to those I consider being friends with and a bitch to those who aren't worth my time. I don't have much sympathy anymore if I 'hurt someone's feelings'. They'll get over it.
There's not much depth to the manipulative and deceitful powers of kindness. If a person is nice, they can usually get what they want or get away with a lot more. Being nice is like putting on a mask, for it hides one's true intentions.
I'm not saying it's impossible to have good intentions. I just don't witness them often... at all. I give money to the homeless, I help animals, I donate food and clothes. While I don't openly do these things or feel the need to tell everyone how much I contribute to making this world a "better place" (like that's possible =| ), I also feel like my main intention is to make myself think I'm a good person. There's a difference between being nice because you want to and being nice to give yourself credibility. The one reveals an honest intention, while the other encourages secret motives. The continuance of gaining benefits from being nice eventually leads to people only being nice for those benefits.
“Alleluia, Alleluia,” I hear the chorus sing. I am elated to be back writing good ol’ AP Lang blogs. But, in an effort to jump-start my comatose brain, let’s begin...
Society dictates our daily actions and interactions just as much as religion and morals. Fear of rejection, isolation, and social condemnation push people obstinately in directions that quite often obscure their true nature, whether it happens for better or worse. Niceness is no exception.
Why does society, in general, express an insatiable need to foster good feelings and kindness? Is it simply because we want to create a “loving” environment? One could hope, but it’s not realistic.
More likely, it allows humans a means to “mold” themselves, like Play Doh, conforming to whatever shape deemed necessary by the situation.
Niceness, Sarcasm, Sympathy, Empathy, Sassiness and the cornucopia of other “qualities” classified as “character traits” all play a role in the molding of our pliable actions. Every situation and encounter requires specific amounts of each trait in order to provide success. For example, I want to impress someone. I wouldn’t spout off sarcastically; no one would. The logical strategy to impress anyone: Niceness maybe with sprinkles of flattery, assuming it doesn’t come off as fake. However, if the goal now stands as removing an unwanted pest a different strategy demands attention. Buckets of sarcasm, flares of sassiness, and subtle invective provide the most straightforward and practical method of removing an “unwelcome guest”. Individual situations need specific strategies.
That said, I do believe there are a VERY select few people who display genuine kindness and altruism, or, at least, I did… In an attempt to find examples to support my claim, I came up dishearteningly empty. Even the major names, Jesus, Gandhi, and MLK, had social motives behind their kindness. Jesus desired followers, Gandhi sought understanding, and MLK craved equality. The most pure humans I can imagine employed niceness and nonviolence as a social strategy. However, in each of their cases, these strategies would not provide enough protection from the harsh, critical eye of society.
In my own life, everyday, I witness interactions that clearly have diaphanous façades masking true feelings. AP Lit provides a perfect example; the hatred that radiates from that room seems only to go unnoticed by a single person. But in spite of the clear disgust bouncing around in 304, the ugly stepsister of 204, the frontage will remain. Not because we are charlatans but because society dictates a certain “standard” and failing to adhere to these “standards” often results in disastrous effects.
"I also feel like my main intention is to make myself think I'm a good person. There's a difference between being nice because you want to and being nice to give yourself credibility. The one reveals an honest intention, while the other encourages secret motives."
Jen, first I think I should tell you I'm neither an optimist or a pessimist. I fall in some gray area in the middle. That said, I don't think wanting to improve credibility nullifies all good that you do; that just seems rather extreme. Maybe the hidden motives obscure the good, making it a little less pure, but you still gave of yourself, which, despite intentions, is outstanding.
I do agree with everything else both you and Mike have said though.
Obviously, I'm going to take a different approach here.
I think genuinely nice people truly do exist. Rarity? Yes. Implausible? No. People seem to think that anyone with a motive is not genuinely nice. I find that to be ludicrous.
Perhaps this stems from the way I hang onto my values as if it's the only thing keeping going. Like Mike said, dominant influences shape our lives considerably. These influences shape our values, and in turn, our character.
I've met a fair share of "nice" people in the past. Veneered, Splenda-esque substitute for real sweetness. They wear their five cent smiles and toss around their two dollar complements, but like Jen said, there's a clear ulterior motive behind the syrupy ooze they spit. They're fairly common, actually.
But here's the thing though, at which point is an ulterior motive ulterior? Because I tell someone to have a nice day and actually mean it, is there some personal gain attached to it? Seeing people happy is when I truly feel happy. Is this an ulterior motive? I admit that making others happy makes me feel happy as well. Is there an ulterior motive attached to that?
I really don't think you can define a pure emotion not to be pure by the presence of a motive. It's just ridiculous.
And altruistic behavior isn't some imaginary creation. It's a clear biological phenomenon. Dolphins will swim and carry injured animals along with them, even bringing them to the surface to breed. Dogs have been known to adopt orphaned kittens and squirrels. Some monkeys even alert members of other species of a coming predator, even if it means putting themselves at risk. Why put themselves through rigor for absolutely no gain? None whatsoever?
If it exists in the world around us, what's stopping humans from mirroring it? Social pressure? Bullshit. I don't buy it.
I have absolutely no doubt in my mind there exists people who genuinely care for the well being of others. Although it may be scarce among the general populous, empathy still exists.
I've met a handful of genuinely nice people in my life. None of them were overly optimistic, happy, or sappy. Realists. Realists with thick moral fiber that found peace in helping others.
This may sound dumb, but I believe Angels walk amongst us. Not the kind with wings and halos, but serene figures that light up the world as the walk through it.
As put by Slug, the rapping mastermind of Atmosphere;
"Look around you there's angels amongst us. Sittin' in the rain at some sidewalk cafe. Half of her wet cigarette in the ash tray. She's tryin' to find a lost soul to save."
My internet's finally up!
Ahh, it feels great to be back on here!
The past couple of days have reverted me back to the old Maegan- the Maegan who is cynical and realistic, the Maegan who doesn't trust others and looks to explain and analyze their actions. It's quite refreshing to be back to normal (or almost normal, at least), so I feel as if there is no better way to consecrate my return to my old mindset then responding to this quote. I wholeheartedly agree that niceness, among other "desireable" traits, are social strategies rather than inherent characteristics. Although these characteristics, which I view to include niceness, sincereness, and kindness, to name a few, may seem honest enough, the intentions behind them are anything but.
This isn't to say that everyone who exhibits these traits is working under malicious intentions. I simply believe that humans will unwittingly do whatever it takes to better their social standings. They will lie, cheat, steal, or, in this case, "kill with kindness" in order to stack the cards in their favor. Those who appear to be "nice" or "kind" or "trustworty" are almost always in power, even if they don't realize it. People tend to flock towards these type of people, confiding in them and entrusting them with their deepest secrets. Lulled into a false sense of security by what appears to be someone of unusual kindness, they divulge information that could easily be used against them, putting them in a position of weakness. We all do it, and I think that it's almost unavoidable, but it's scary to think that someone that you believed that you could trust, someone that appeared to be so kind, or someone that you never would suspect of taking advantage of you has that kind of power over you. This realization has impeded my relationship with a lot of people, because I am much opposed to putting myself in a position of weakness, no matter the situation.
I may come off as overly cynical here, but my life experiences, limited as they may be, have only served to prove my theory. It's become more and more obvious to me that, in general, the only person most people care about is themself, and they will do whatever it takes to get what they want. What is the correlation between this and niceness? It's simple: niceness may be a decision, but it is the intentions on which this decision is based that determines the true colors of a person. There are some people that I believe are genuinely kind-hearted people. Why are they this way? In most cases, I find that the kindest of people usually suffer from a terrible lack of confidence and a sense of inadequecy. Because of this, they attempt to make up for their self consciousness by being overly nice and kind, two traits that they know will be favorably looked upon by others. Unfortunately, others may not have such innocent intentions. These are the ones that you have to worry about. These people will feign kindness and concern in order to ensnare you in their web. Once you have been successfully entangled in their sticky mess of sweet-talk and lies, they will scuttle over and suck the life right out of you before you even have time to reflect on how you got yourself in that predicament in the first place.
Unfortunately for us, it is almost impossible to avoid situations such as these, because averting all social interactions is near impossible. I suppose that there isn't any solution to this paradox (because the entire concept is paradoxical... if you can't trust the trustworthy, where is there left to go?!). As my boy Marmeladov says in "Crime and Punishment", "Do you understand, sir, what it means when you have absolutely nowhere to turn? for every man must have somewhere to turn...." It's an extremely bleak outlook, but at the end of the day the only place that one can turn is inward- for I know that I will never disappoint or betray myself.
I think that Thoreau puts it best: While I enjoy the friendships of the season, I trust nothing that can make life a burden to me.
Amen to that.
Dear Bloggers-
Goodness, goodness, goodness. Bunj, as much as I absolutely love to see a blog up- and I really really do- I hope you'll forgive me for saying this one did not excite me. I always read every post and reading six disheartening, disappointed, discouraging, and disenchanted posts about how evil everyone is, well, it didn’t do much for my mood. Janiru, thank you for taking a moderate stand by the way, it was refreshing. Now I don’t want to be repetitive, but please allow me to shed some light on the possibility of a middle ground.
“Niceness is not a decision. It is a strategy of social interaction; it is not a character trait.”
Although I think it is safe to assume the author lacks niceness as a personality trait, who are they to dictate whether it exists in others? A character trait, really, is just a distinguishing quality of a person or an inherited characteristic. (Merriam-webster.com.) So logically, someone whose “niceness” distinguished them as an individual would have it as a character trait. And, as some people mentioned the example of childhood influences, people who inherited their families moral or religious values, including niceness for the sake of niceness would ALSO have the character trait of niceness. Obviously, most people lie somewhere moderate enough on the nice scale that niceness is not their distinguishing factor, and unfortunately, more and more parents have been neglecting an essential emphasis on niceness as an inherited value. Which means, as the quote states, for a lot of people niceness has to be a consciously forced action, a strategy with premeditated cause. However, for as long as the minority exists, the author cannot have that completely right.
Niceness. When I personally think of the word nice, I find it rather bland. I consider it a watered down version of many valuable traits such as kindness, pleasantness, virtuousness, respectability, politeness and agreeability. I would consider myself and many of my friends kind, pleasant and polite long before I called us nice, but they come down to much the same thing. And our motivations for being any of those things doesn’t lie in social advancement, but in habit, and in moral fortitude, and concern for the world around us. People say thank you because they were taught to say thank you, not because it makes them fit in better. In the end I suppose it’s all based on the individual... Those who honestly believe niceness is merely a form of trying for acceptance obviously find it that way for themselves, and will continue to until they see other possibilities, and those who know niceness for the sake of niceness as a way of life will continue to view it as so.
Love -Fiona
(p.s. awesome week to start blogging again bunj! I just took my temperature and I just wrote my first blog in months with a 101 fever…)
Absolutely love this question. My answer will come after some pondering is done :)
saaweeeeeeeet! If I wasn't about to drop dead was fatigue, I'd do it tonight. But I am, so I'll write this tomorrow!! =) Bunj, you should do these every once in awhile FOREVER!! It's refreshing to have actual mind-bending topics to think about! =)
“Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?”
-Meredith Grey
This quote somehow seems right for this blog. For all my life, one of the most important rules that my mother has taught me is that I must always see the good in people, and to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Which I have done, and will continue doing. However, this way of thinking indubitably leads to disappointment. When first meeting a person, I believe they are 100% good people. Then, some do things that cross my line between good and bad, and I can never think of them the same.
One of the things that could make them cross over in my mind is niceness. I believe everyone is nice to something in their life, even if it’s not me. It could be your parents, your pets, or your garden. All of those could provide warmth to someone’s heart somewhere in the world. With this thought, niceness couldn’t possibly be a mere decision. Niceness is inside of us all, it’s embedded deep within us.
However, we may have different ways of showing it. This is why we sometimes confuse niceness with negative traits. We have to realize that not everyone may be on the same page as us, and what they considered nice might be what you consider rude. It all depends on the way one has been brought up, and how you’ve been taught to perceive things.
I’m not saying I find everything pleasant and dandy. Well, actually I don’t know. Like, I find things unpleasant, but I can also understand their intentions and why they might be unpleasant. Then, I end up finding the good in it later (sometimes much, much later.). (Minus mosquitoes...it might be good for them but...ugh...)
So I guess my main point is that I disagree with the quote you’ve given us. It is a way of thinking that is not on the same page as mine. You cannot simply make it a life decision to be always nice; that is silly. You already are nice. You simply haven’t found someone yet who is on your same page, same paragraph, same sentence. So chin up! Your time for you niceness to shine will come!! =)
“I’ve got to let it go,
And just enjoy the show!”
-The Show by Lenka
pleeeeeease post a new blog. please please please please!
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