Ahh..pumpkins. You do tickle me, you really do.
I have to just say that it warms the cockles of my heart (are there such things as "cockles" and if so, are they, in fact, located near the arterial chamber? While we're at it, is arterial chamber even the correct science-y term for "heart?") that you all missed the brain bleeding questions I usually ask on our blog.
And, I couldn't agree with Matt, Hayley and even fresh-face Jen more when they said that last week's blog was very un-blog like. It was, I know.
But, that said, judging by the stellar display of collective genius analyses, it was valuable. So, that's something, right?
But, ask and you shall receive. Matty C--the well has been filled!
Reading over previous postings and thinking about what I know about each of you individually offered me an insightful glimpse into a collective psyche.
Most, if not all, of you have two fundamental fears: 1, the idea of change and/or 2, the possibility of making the "wrong" choice.
Now, I know that there are plenty of people who will tell me that the idea of change, especially if it includes a change of scenery from sunny Mays Landing/Mullica to just about anywhere else would be welcomed with open arms and a huge, block-lettered sign. But, despite the wanderlust or pre-"senioritis" that you have all felt creeping in on you, you have to admit that, at its core, change is a scary proposition. After all, the intrinsic nature of change is that of the unknown, the unchartered, the unfamiliar and the unrevealed.
So, if you are one of the restless souls who yearns for change--what is it about it that is so appealing to you? What do you hope the changes you want to seek out, to undergo or to witness will mean for you, your future, your life? On the other hand, if you are one who double locks the door when change comes a-knockin', tell me what it is about the prospect of it that fightens you. What do you think might happen?
We're not done...oh no...onward...
Now, one of Change's many dance partners is Choice. Right/wrong, smart/stupid, bad/ good..choice exists and you are confronted with the notion of it every single day. Sometimes, these are choices of epic proportions--break-up or stay together; cut class to get that paper done or suck it up and take a zero; confront the back-stabbing friend or let it go; get high just this once or walk away never knowing; and sometimes it can be as inconsequential as chicken patty or PB&J. Either way, your mind has a process it undergoes when you have to make a choice. Tell me about it. Do your weigh all your options and consider possible outcomes, or do you dive in and hope the water isn't too cold? I think I am mix-metaphoring myself into a corner here--but I know you know what I mean. When you are confronted with a choice--how do you make it? And, more importantly, why? A lot to think about, I know...but, you asked for it! :)
(500 words/75pts)
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99 comments:
First, I am so glad the old blog is back. Last week's just wasn't the same as everyone has already pointed out.
Second: Cockles, Ms. Bunje, are not, unfortunately, in or near the heart. They are, however, heart-shaped shellfish, so they are heart-related.
Third: "Arterial" means of or having to do with arteries or describes the bright red color of oxygenated blood. I think the word you were thinking of is "atrial", which means relating to the upper chambers of the heart.
That's all. I figured I should assume my role as an annoying "pretend" know-it-all. However, the truth is I was curious after you said something and I like to learn new things, so why not look it up.
Hope that's a little clearer than my explanation of "Getting Down to Brass Tacks" :)
Matt, as always, you would.
And now I can say, without the dreaded sarcasm, that I'm looking forward to doing this blog =]
Curses. Someone looked it up before I did. Now what do I do?
...back to playing Pokemon Platinum.
However, when someone speaks of warming the 'cockles' of one's heart, they are referring, according to wikipedia, to the ventricles. If this is anything to go on, I suppose you could call ventricles cockles.
Brendan, I never even thought to consider the possibility of an idiomatic expression. Curses! But anyway, thank you for enlightening me, no sarcasm intended. I really mean it. I kind of feel dumb, though for only looking up the word instead of the entire phrase. Well, that's just something to learn from.
I'm trying so hard to focus on work, everybody, honest, but my little sister is inches away from me air-banding along to Pat Benatar's "Love is a Battlefield." And she's extremely over-dramatic about it. Little freak.
Oh, she read the comment and started fake crying, then she walked away and continued air-banding. I thought I could actually work when I heard a strange scream that sounded like "Hwaahh!!!" Rachel tried top do a flip and got stuck upside down. I had to go rescue her. I repeat, little freak.
Damn no one has posted yet. Just my luck.
Here is the thing, I am not afraid of change it is just that I do not want certain things to change. I do not want to leave behind all the people I love just for the sake of change. I do not want to change my beliefs, my thoughts, who I am inside. Sometimes I will welcome change with arms wide open. I love meeting new people. As Anonymous said, “Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same.” Change is a chance to explore and figure out who you want to be now and in the future. I am afraid that my life will change too much. I mean my life is not the best one in the world but I like it. But I know it is good to get out there just for the experience and I want to be a very wise, wrinkly old lady when I grow up. Anyways, life happens sometimes for the better or sometimes for the worse but it all happens for a reason. At least that is what I think. I know that whatever life throws at me it will always be okay in the grand end of things because I am the one who decides if I want to change, where I am going to go, and how I am going to feel because I am in control of my life.
Now how I make choices is a little wishy-washy. Sometimes I do not even know why I make choices that I make to tell you the truth. I am like, “What the hell here goes…” If I fail then I fail. I may cry. I am human and it is good for the soul man. But eventually I’ll get off my lazy ass and try, try again. Sometimes I am actually normal and burden myself with all of life’s decisions and choices. I look over every possible choice by daydreaming. It is weird but true. It is easier for me to picture things in my head that way. I am a visual learner. A teacher could give verbal directions three times but all I am thinking is “What?” It is bad but oh well I have learned to deal with it by annoying other people for directions. Anyways, when it comes to simple decisions like do I want to play with my baby cousin or do my biology assignment, the decision is obvious. It is good to save up on your brain power so baby cousin it is. All I know is that if you brood over decisions you are going to take in life, you never actually get to live it. You will never get to feel the warm breeze of the ocean at your face. You will never get to love and love again. You will never get to see the joy you bring upon the people in your life. And that is no life at all. No one on this twisted earth deserves that.
tootles =)
Change is the dreaded “C” word, at least to me. Not only do I double-lock the doors, I turn out the lights, lock myself in my room, hide in my pitch-black closet, call the police, and prepare for Armageddon. While that attack plan is somewhat of a hyperbole, I truly loathe and fear change, on pretty much any level. I know it is a necessity and it’s part of the journey of life, but does that mean I have to like it? I surely think not. I have never liked change and I don’t think it ever really liked me either; we kind of just coexist together and it does its thing while I do mine. I try to ignore it or prevent it from wreaking havoc in my life or the lives of others I know. I am sometimes successful but most of the time thrown backwards, like a lawn chair in a tornado. But the heart of this question is not whether or not I fear change; it’s the “why”.
The first reason, which seems somewhat stupid, is the unknown. I hate not knowing what to expect or how to prepare for “it”. It scares the living daylights out of me. I have this tiny idiosyncrasy: the desire to know everything; before, during, and after it’s happened. I don’t like surprises, except surprise parties…maybe. I am afraid that if I don’t know exactly what is going to happen and when, I will be unprepared and unable to handle the situation. I am not, I repeat NOT, capable of spur of the moment thinking, as evident by debates. I realize just how detrimental this trait can be and I try valiantly to overcome it, but so far nothing. That calendar you make for us, Ms. Bunje, I make my own for every other subject, a week or two at a time. I have to known when I want to do my Bio assignment and when is the best time to write my blog. It is rather sad, but it helps me to keep order in my life, which brings me to reason numero dos of why I despise change.
Change’s lesser-known accomplice is disorder, as known as entropy, chaos, turmoil, disarray, and, my favorite, hysteria. Change always causes some sort of disruption, some type of chaos, whether it be little or humongous. In science-y terms, whenever a change occurs, entropy increases. In order to lower entropy, energy has to be taken from somewhere else to stabilize the chaotic “area”, however taking energy from one spot and moving it to another, creates more entropy. In the end, entropy (the measure of disorder) never reaches zero, at least in real life. Sorry about that science rant. Anyway, change always brings about disorder; really that is one part of the multi-faceted nature of change. And I hate it. I like order, structure, and guidelines. I am by no means even remotely transcendentalist in my ways of thinking. I don’t wander outside the box…EVER! I feel comfortable knowing my daily routine. Some may call that mundane, but, to me, it is paradise. That’s not to say I don’t like to do different things or try new things, I just want to know about it in advance and be prepared for whatever new idea may blow past me.
The third reason, ironically enough, is choice. Having to choose between left and right, up or down, chocolate and vanilla, is somewhat overwhelming. I am a worrywart, constantly concerned about whether the correct decision was made or what would have happened if B had occurred instead of A. “If I travel left, will I be mauled by a bear? But if I go right, I might get covered in poison ivy. Oh, I don’t know which way to go.” I worry that I will make a stupid, foolish, impetuous, or callous choice that could change my life forever. I fear that I might make the wrong choice. For example, a choice that could have created enormous potential and opportunities for me, winds up making me sit in front of a register at McDonald’s asking, “Would you like fries with that?” All because I made a bad choice. I guess, ultimately, that is the nature of life, choosing one path and denying the other. But the problem is I consider what could have been down the second path instead of appreciating what I attained by traversing the first, or vice-versa. Sometimes this can be extremely damaging on my psyche and self-esteem, especially when I know that this choice could be a life-altering decision, for better or worse.
Now that you know why I hate change and its companions, I shall allow you to enter my mind. I will attempt to describe the convoluted process that allows me to make choices on a daily basis, while, at the same time, keeps me sane.
The first step for me is to determine whether or not I will regret choosing one option over the other. For example, if I had the choice between going to Seaworld or meeting the president, the president trumps Seaworld, one it’s the president and two I would regret missing the opportunity to meet the president much more than not going to Seaworld. If neither is apparently life altering, than the next step is which I want to do more. Should the choices be between eating dirt or a triple-layer cake with delicious homemade icing; the dirt surely isn’t my preference. After coming to the conclusion that my options are unappealing or they are all amazing, I turn to my “Ol’ Faithful” choosing mechanism, “iny-meany-miny-mo,” I do this to ensure I am exposed to some randomness, the hope being the I will slowly get accustomed to it. However, considering I have been employing this method for 17 ½ years, it doesn’t seem to be the cure, but you never know. At this point I have done everything I possibly can to guarantee that I won’t make a devastating choice that could potentially change the course of my life for the worse, but in the end, I have no control over that. Hopefully, one day I will get over my dumb fear of the unknown and be able to enjoy to feeling the comes with living life on the wild side, but until then I stick to my ordered, structured, and as-little-change-as-possible life.
Matt W,
I liked these two little parts of your blog. They were humorous but obviously still had a point.
"I have never liked change and I don’t think it ever really liked me either; we kind of just coexist together and it does its thing while I do mine."
"For example, a choice that could have created enormous potential and opportunities for me, winds up making me sit in front of a register at McDonald’s asking, “Would you like fries with that?” All because I made a bad choice. "
My advice: You need to chill man. I mean being organized is fine but maybe you should try going a day without making schedules. It could be fun. =)
"...winds up making me sit in front of a register at McDonald’s asking, “Would you like fries with that?”"
Hahaha Matt...Everytime I received a lecture after doing something wrong, it normally involved that phrase. Luckily, though, it was aimed at my older brother much more than it was at me. We always used to torment him with that too. :)
Change. This past weekend was full of college visits, and my future was contemplated on many occasions. Sometimes I love talking about, what I want to do in college, where I want to live, what my life will be like in the next five years. And other times, when my parents start talking about college, I usually hate talking about it, scared about what is to come. Although I love the comfort of my own town, I love the feeling of knowing everyone, living in the seclusion of the woods, sometimes I want to get away. I went to Baltimore to look at Johns Hopkins, and I loved that suburb/city atmosphere. But I hate the hustle and bustle of New York City. I need to find that medium between the two. I must say, I am the one afraid of change. I will relate the upcoming change for me, since it is the easiest for me to relate to. Choosing what college I see myself going to. This will be the biggest change/decision I will have had to make in my lifetime, and surely everyone that I have talked to about it has let me know that. There is so many factors that go into the process, that there is so many ways that I can mess up. What if I make the wrong choice, I get there, and I miss home too much, I have no on e to talk to, I hate my classes, I hate everything about it. And obviously I know that that probably won’t happen, but it is the possibility that scares me. I love staying on a schedule. The security of it, the sense of comfort that I get when I know I am doing something that I am used to, is something I am scared to get rid of. The prospect that the change that is happening isn’t right for me scares me the most. What if this change isn’t the best? And although I believe in fate, that everything happens for a reason, and that even though we are given choices, our path in life is already predetermined, I am afraid that a decision I make, I change I cause to happen, changes everything I have worked for, and ruins my future. So I guess I could be called a scaredy cat, but that is just who I am. I would rather be safe than sorry, because I don’t want to look back and regret a choice I made that affected my life forever. And I know there will be people that say I am missing out by not going on all those adventures, but to me, I want to make sure that my choices are the best for me.
My brother is going on a twenty six day trip through Europe; he will be visiting Germany, France, Switzerland, London, and so many other countries. I know, amazing. And I wish I could go. So we were at the L.L. Bean store picking out backpacks for his trip. And we must have been there for an hour, choosing a stupid backpack. My brother couldn’t make up his mind. The salesman made fun of him, and I thought it was hilarious. But once I think about it, I am the same way. I need to think of every possibility before I make my ‘final answer.’ I am failed many times, and I hate that feeling, so I want to make sure I go through every option to eliminate the possibility of failing. I also hate making decision by myself. I like having someone there, to reassure me that I am making the right choice. Maybe I take so long to choice because I am insecure, scared to make the wrong decision. And I honestly think that is why, I am too afraid of myself, of beating myself up if I fail. But once you think about it, making the wrong decision sucks. And it could change your life. How scary is that, one ‘yes’ or one ‘no’ can change your life. And that is why I take my time, I want to think out every possibility, every outcome that would happen if I took that route, because I want to make sure that decision is best for me.
Change, what a horrible connotation that word has in my mind! I am pretty back and forth on the matter of change because sometimes I do find it to be welcoming and embrace it, like from the dreary winter to flowery spring. I like when the change brings a new positive aspect to my life, but then again who doesn’t? This year though change has frightened me and I have mentioned it more than once. I feel like I move away from change more than I embrace, just for the simple reason that I like things the way they are. My life is great right now, and I am scared that it will get altered in a negative way. I don’t want to think about when my boyfriend or my other senior friends have to go off to college nor do I want to even think about losing friends who I have just gotten close to. I have drifted away from people in the past that I had grown extremely close with and it depresses me. I don’t want to imagine that happening to me now. I love my friends, not that I didn’t love my old best friends because trust me I still do love them, but the thought of losing them freaks me out. It takes too much time to build these deep foundations of friendship to have them crumble and fade away and I am scared that will happen. Also with Matthew, I like him a lot and we just click, better than I have with anyone else. I can be myself around him, without feeling self-conscious. He is a great guy and I have never grown close to someone as fast as I have to him. We can talk about anything and everything for hours, and I know that I can trust him. He makes me smile 99.7% of the time, even when we are arguing (which is rare) and I usually end up forgiving him or saying sorry five minutes later. I am nervous of liking him so much though because what happens when he goes to college in September? He is going to want to be single and having fun, and even if that is not the case we won’t see each other as much. It is that change that I know will probably occur and I am dreading it.
This part of the question is kind of funny because my best friend and I just had the discussion of decision-making and choices. She thinks before acting and what the consequences may end up being, but I have a tendency to just do things and I think about what I did later. Just as an example, like hypothetically speaking, say for some reason some friends and I could have possibly snuck out of the house, drove 45 minutes away to egg some girl’s house at one o’ clock in the morning. I could have possibly not have taken into consideration what punishment I would have to endure from my parents, until I came rolling up in the driveway with a car full of girls at 2 in the morning. Then I thought about what I had actually done. I do it all the time. I act without thinking and deal with the reaction later. I go with the idea that first sounds the best in my mind and stick with it. It is easier for me not to think about it a whole lot because I am actually so terrible about making decisions. I hate when people ask me “well what do you want to do?” or “what do you want to eat?” or “what do you feel like doing?” or by giving me the option to pick between a certain numbers of things is like hell. I get so frustrated and distraught over what I should pick, if whatever I pick is the right decision, and I end up going back and forth for hours weighing the pros and cons over of each option. If I don’t have to think about it or am given no other option it just makes life easier; it eliminates the frustration of decision-making but sometimes the consequences are not the greatest.
Despite all this change occurring and decision-making I have to do, I am still trying to make the best out of it. I am still trying to focus on the positive things rather than focusing on the negatives, because that does nothing but make me depressed. I am just living life in the present and dealing with things when they come my way.
Molly, I love you dearly <3 but I dislike your tendency to post right before me, taking all the words out of my mouth! Poophead.
Anyhow, I too was going to center the focus of this blog around college. Because guess what kids? Junior year has been snatched away from us, and we are very quickly approaching senior year. Holy crapppp. I tell myself over and over how excited I am to get out of Oakcrest and how much I can't WAIT for college. I swear I could be the poster child for I-want-change-so-bad. I have been looking forward to college since freshman year, just yearning for the chance to explore myself and the world around me. You see, change for all of us, is college. It means throwing yourself into a situation that is out of your confort zone, and willing yourself to adjust. Why is this remotely appealing? Well, I know that I have a lot of growing to do. I know that I have barely touched the surface of discovering who I am and what I love. The only way to grow and discover anything about myself is to take away everything familiar and comfortable, and to see how I react. It's the only way. I will not sit here and pretend to have my life figured out because my goodness, I don't. I do know that although every experience is meant to teach, and is a building block in my life, high school is so not my thing. I do not have the opportunities to experience and discover everything that I want to. For the most part, my educational experience has been mediocre, save for a few special classes. In addition, I have made some amazing friends that I hope to keep, but I have yet to truly learn how to branch out and make friends from scratch. I feel as though a lot has been handed to me in high school, whereas college will make me work. I want to work, to learn, to grow. I need new challenges, a new atmosphere, a break from the predictability of life. I need change. I yearn for it.
Now, I'm not trying to contradict myself here, because I meant everything I said up above. But I am only human, and a small part of me fears and rejects change with a fiery passion. I know this because over spring break I went to Boston. While I fell in love with the city, I found myself missing my mom, my friends, and good old quiet Laureldale. I found myself contemplating a lot. Could I ever go this far from home? Would I make it without being around the familiarities of my life? I started to really think about what I want out of my college experience, and all of this contradicting, confusing, befuddling nonsense brings me to choice...
I HATE MAKING DECISIONS. As a matter of fact, I don't make decisions. Most of the time I base everything I do around the people around me. What my mom wants me to do, what this friend would like, what's socially acceptable. Rarely do I ever make a decision for myself. It's horrible, and I am weak because of it. But literally I could be at the ice cream stand for half and hour before deciding what color jimmies to have! I truly despise this about myself, and this is one of those things I know that I need to learn and discover. Unfortunately, I need to do this pronto, because next year is a year filled with choices. The main problem is that I freeze if I have to make a decision under pressure. My mind kind of shuts down and all I can feel is a major obligation to do the right thing. Which, in a sense, is rather suffocating. You can't always play it safe. Sometimes taking risks is a good thing, which I am learning more and more lately. If I have time to make a decision, I tend to weigh out my options better (except when I let my emotions get in the way, my very strong, crazy, ever-present emotions...) I am a professional list maker. In addition, I often look to the people around me for advice. Once again proving that I am not confident enough to make my own choices, and often depend on other people to affect my decisions. It's a sick thing, and I hope no one else goes through this vicious cycle. But hey, you live and learn. I have faith that one day I will be a confident, wise decision maker, with just the right balance of risks and brains. Let's hope...
Dev-
First of all, I plan my blogging so I can annoy you every time.
“I am a professional list maker.”
When you said that, it made me think of Rory Gilmore. I can see you making a pro and con list of every Ivy League that you get into. :) Whatever works for you, darling!
I will never deny that nothing scares me more than change—nothing. It's not even really a fear, but more of abhorrence, a complete and utter disdain. I like stability, I need stability. If something feels out of the norm, I either try to prevent it or just avoid it at all costs. Change means adaptation, but I don't want to have to constantly adjust to "live". I'm not living my life excitedly anticipating what the future holds or what will become of everything. I don't want surprises, I don't want unanswered questions, I don't want the unknown. I don't find any of that appealing or interesting. I want constancy, I want there to be something that I know won't leave me or let me down. I don't want change in beliefs or appearance; it's simply I don't want change. I hate waking up in the morning and finding out that the TV channels have been changed. I hate seeing my friends do drugs, drink alcohol, have sex and party, while their original morals are thrown out the window. I hate haircuts. I hate aging. I hate when people move. I hate death and replacements. The list can go on forever. But then there are times I know why people embrace change. When I think about college and going away, leaving my home, I don't worry too much. I actually can't wait. I don't think about making the wrong decision or leaving my family and friends. The only thing I'm worried about is what I'm going to do with my doggie. I can't wait to leave here and finally be me. I know I won't make any new "best friends", I have them already, I don't need new ones and I won't be looking for new ones. I know I'm going to find the college that's area is most like Mullica because I hate anything different, so I won't be too worried about the location. I'm just going to be me, with the same beliefs, actions, and ideals, but just across the country. Now back to the actual question. What frightens me so much? The fact that I can't expect anything is ultimately it. I hate surprises. What do I think will happen with change? Obviously the unexpected. The different from the norm. Inconsistency. Things will be out of control—out of my control.
On to choices. To those who are in pd. 9/10, you may already know my resentment to choice. But to sum it up a bit, I am the most indecisive person I know. I can't decide between jeans or sweats, cereal or pancakes, what my favorite color is, what movie I want to watch, or what I want for dinner. I over-analyze every little detail to the point that I drive myself crazy. To me, every decision in your life matters. YOU control what happens in your lifetime—not fate, destiny, or any supernatural forces. But having that kind of control scares the shit out of me. (I'm quite hypocritical, I know. First I want control then I don't…) NEVER, unless I'm under the influence or hypnotized or sleep walking or I actually decide to listen to Janiru and be more impulsive, would I ever just "dive in" to something without checking the water temperature, measuring how deep it is, and finding out what lives in it. In other words, I'm obsessive about making the wrong or right choice. Everything I do has meaning and purpose. Every one of my actions says something about my character and beliefs. I rarely ever go against my morals and I never "listen to my heart". I first consider my instincts, then I dissect them until a logical answer or solution appears within. I don't want to do anything that's not "me", I don't like being anything other than "me". When faced with choices, I don't always consider what's best, but what fits me more. I would like to live my life to the best of MY ability, not to any other standard. For instance, I like challenges. That's what I do—I compete. I want to earn what I work for, so when the choice comes to take the easy or hard road to the same solution, I'm more likely to take that risk and go through the trouble or torturing myself for no reason other than I like the struggle. It wouldn't be very much like me to slack off and think I deserve the reward. (Let it be known that this does not completely include school work. I'm guilty.)
I feel like I'm rambling a lot. I've talked so much about this topic in the past, that I'm finally at the point where I have nothing left to really say.
It was sort of surreal reading someone's blog. :(
Devon:
"The main problem is that I freeze if I have to make a decision under pressure. My mind kind of shuts down and all I can feel is a major obligation to do the right thing. Which, in a sense, is rather suffocating. You can't always play it safe. Sometimes taking risks is a good thing, which I am learning more and more lately."
First, I'd like to say I wish I could welcome change as readily as you do, even if I still had a little hesitation. Second, I really liked your entire blog but this part really stuck out. I think I suffer from the problem. I can make some type of decision when given ample time but under pressure forget it. My mind is colder than the Arctic on the coldest day of the year. And I agree with with you that risks are sometimes better than "playing it safe", which I hate to admit since risks=unknown and i hate the unknown. But enough about me, I think you'll will eventually find your path and when you do you will shine like a beacon in the night, sappy yes, but true. You are extremely talented and I know you'll succeed at whatever you eventually choose.
Matt-
I respect your need for a well-ordered, structured lifestyle. I completely understand why you make lists to keep yourself organized, especially when it comes to the 4 AP classes on your plate. Because I too find myself making little calendars. I'm going to bet that you actually follow yours though :) whereas I make them and allow the stress to leave my body, but still put everything off until last minute. I haven't always been this way, however. Maybe my whole "fly by the seat of my pants" attitude this year has been a coping mechanism for my high stress level. Who knows. But my point is that I found myself changing this year. I'm not nearly as organized and structured as I used to be. I have begun to listen to my heart instead of my mind. Matt, I hate and love this change all the same. Sometimes it's okay to let go and be confident. I tend to have tiny glimmers of confidence that I just act on. If you ever feel yourself straying away from the path of predictability, it may not be a bad thing. I feel that one day you will stray from the norm, and I'm just letting you know, from personal experience, it can be a good thing. So don't be so scared of change! You never know what good may come of taking a risk. And guess what? Sometimes it's worth it to not study for a test and instead get that extra hour of sleep. I have found that not studying can pay off in ways I never realized. Sometimes I even do better this way. Oh goodness, that was quite a rant. But yeah, just wanted to give you some advice because I don't want you to think that changes are necessary bad, even if they might seem that way!
And wanna know something really weird? I wrote that comment before I even knew you commented on my blog! Haha. We were commenting each other at the same time, I guess.
We did comment on each other's at almost the exact same time! That's really kind of freaky. But thank you for the advice, I surely can use any I can get :) I will definitely try to keep your words in the back of my mind when change comes a knockin'.
Yep, any time. I just want to see you relax a little more, and find that mix between doing the right thing and taking risks. I know you have it in you kid! Hell, if I can do it, you can too.
Whether or not I feel like sprinting toward the comfort of familiarity or begging change to capture me by its wings and soar far and wide completely depends on the situation, and even every miniscule, measly aspect of the situation. When my mother screams at me to do unnecessary chores, or forbids me from going out on a Saturday night, are the times when I just want to grab change by the throat and plead for just a taste. Some days, I just want to leave this high school, this house, this state and never look back. The thought of just being free makes me yearn for change that much more. I’ve been around the same people for far too long; I crave to leave all of this immature high school drama behind and never see the selected few people who have hurt me emotionally again. I want a fresh start. But then again, I don’t. Who’s going to do my laundry and make me a home-cooked meal every night? I’m going to have to be my own mother and that thought frightens me. Who’s going to pull me under their motherly wings and guide me toward the right path? Myself? And on the other hand, the few special people that I’ve met throughout my 17 years have been more supportive than I could have asked. My best friends are here. My boyfriend is here. I don’t want to be completely forgotten once college rolls around. I treasure these amazing few people I’ve met, and what am I supposed to do when they’re gone? What if I never find anyone as great as them in college? I hate being alone. I love the comfort of having someone I know to run to in a time of need. I don’t want to be alone and helpless, but then again I want to experience the strangeness and freedom of it all.
Well, first off, I just want to point out that I can’t make any decisions whatsoever. Not without at least 10 minutes to dwell on the options or input from a friend. And when someone asks me what I would like to do, my usual response is, “I don’t care.” And I freakin’ mean it. That doesn’t mean I’m secretly hiding what I want to do so you don’t feel obligated to do what I want. I honestly don’t care! And when I’m continually pestered to choose, I become even more frustrated. My next response is normally, “You pick or we’re not hanging out.” Problem solved. And with college steadily creeping up on us, I have no idea what I’m going to do. I can’t decide anything for the life of me! Where do I want to go? Do I want to play soccer? What do I want to major in? Do I want to stay in Jersey or leave the comfort of my hometown? Too much for my tired brain to take on at once…And also, when it comes to selecting what food I want for lunch, the conversation that plays in my head goes a little something like this:
“Mhm, the pizza that Nyge got smells delicious. But I don’t feel like wasting $1.75 on it. But god, it looks so good. Nope, I’m on a diet. I can’t have that! Look at it! It’s oozing with fat and grease…Delicious fat and grease...NO. Prom is in a month and that’s going to add to my gut within a minute. Maybe just a bagel…Ugh, so many carbs though. I won’t be able to have bread for the next day if I eat that stupid bagel. Damn it, why is everything so complex? Oh, but how about nachos!? I think I’ll just steal one of Rob’s…or maybe two. That doesn’t even look the slightest bit healthy. Whatever, screw this diet. I don’t care. Oh my god, what am I doing?! I’m going to care in a month…I’m just getting pretzels from the snack machine. Damn it.”
This ordeal happens about eight thousand times a day. So, yes Bunje, I weigh every possible option and outcome with every decision I make. It’s an extremely annoying gift, if you will, that helps me make good decisions, and yet bad ones at the same time. I usually conclude my decision process with something I want to do/have because of someone else’s input instead of something I REALLY want to do/have. Frankly, I have no idea why I become a confused, indecisive mess when asked to make a simple choice. I guess I just want to make myself and those around me happy. I’ve been immune to just doing what I want for so long that I’ve forgotten how. I’m afraid for the future, yet I yearn for the day where I can finally truly experience life and its beauty… Whatever happens, happens. Hopefully, I'm doing something right.
- Dev
"But literally I could be at the ice cream stand for half and hour before deciding what color jimmies to have!"
Just for the record they are called sprinkles. Jimmy is a boy, and I hope you don't want boys on your ice cream.
Blogger Jordan C. said...
- Dev
"But literally I could be at the ice cream stand for half and hour before deciding what color jimmies to have!"
Just for the record they are called sprinkles. Jimmy is a boy, and I hope you don't want boys on your ice cream.
CARLY/HILARY/MEG----
Do you guys remember when we stopped and got ice cream, you know, right before we had to go to the castle? Yeah, besides that, Disney doesn't have any FREAKING rainbow sprinkles! what the heck was that about?!
Jord, embrace your South Jersey heritage. THEY ARE FREAKING JIMMIES!!! Kay? I work at an ice cream stand, I would know. All the shoobies call 'em sprinkles. But go ahead, group yourself with the shoobs ;)
Do you know why all the shoobies call them sprinkles? Because they aren't from Jersey, which according to the rest of the country is the Nations Cesspool. Clearly, they are smarter and can understand that its a SPRINKLE, not a male human. Do you know who else calls them jimmies? The people that live in the South. I'm not going to make any sectionalist/racist(?) claims, but you can see the connection I'm making.
I hate change.
Even though I want to change the world, even though I want to change myself, even though I want to change my life sometimes, the thought, the prospect of it frightens me. I run under the covers and cower in fear when I hear those people outside, the thunder that resounds with their voice as they speak of change, of opportunity, of everything.
I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
It’s because of the potential consequences that come with change, the aftereffects of change, the repercussions that slam their fists into people’s faces. When I want something to change and it does, everything changes. Mistakes made in planning, miscalculations, blunders. I am hurt. Family is hurt. Friends are hurt. All of that, there’s a lot of negative baggage that comes with change that keeps me rooted in the same spot, torpid, lethargic.
You’re probably saying to yourself, wow, you’re a hypocrite. You did a speech on change, on how the power to do something is in our hands. The power to change our future, and the generation after us. How can you say that you hate change!?!
Alright, here’s the confusing part. You see, I also yearn for change, to pull me away from the crushing grip of routine, to spice up my life, to bring new things to my attention. I want it for its benefits, for all the great things it’ll bring. I believe in a brighter future for all and the only way there is to allow change through, and so, I want to change the world. I want to break out of my shell, I want to be brave, and since I am not so right now, I want to change myself. I want to hug the person I like, hold their hand, and run my hand through their hair, and because they are not mine, I want to change my life. Change. I want it so much, but… as they say, you are your own biggest obstacle.
I am so weird…
Moving on!
Choice.
Hm… do I want to answer this question or leave it for later? I think I’ll do it now.
I am a chess player.
A skill that is required for one to be a great chess player is to make use of your time wisely, to look at your opponent’s move and question their intentions, to look at your possible moves, to weigh your options, and make the move that will give you an advantage, no matter how small it is. There are moves that take less than 5 seconds for you to see and make. There are moves that take more than 20 minutes (those, by the way, are the ones I hate because I end up making the same move I wanted to make 15 minutes ago, haha.)
Now, you guys probably jumped to the assumption that I end up weighing all my options and consider all outcomes before proceeding with my choices. Ahem, there’s a small fact that you guys are disregarding.
I never said I was a good chess player.
I am impatient and I like to make moves based on impulse sometimes. All of last year, I never learned a book line opening fully, but rather, chose something and spun off of it with what I felt like. It can’t be all bad because I have gotten compliments about giving my opponents interesting games. Nowadays, I’ve been taking more time off my clock for my moves, which I think is starting to pervade into how I make my choices. However, even now, I can’t help my stubborn choices when I get impatient.
So, I’m a hybrid.
Which, by the way, makes me happy because the word “hybrid” sounds cool! Hehe, hybrid, hybrid, hybrid, hybrid, hybrid, done.
You see, I was going to answer this question with the “takes-forever-to-make-a-choice” but things happened that opened my eyes. I kinda dove head first into something, without really weighing my options. Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that I am a hybrid (which is still a cool word).
Why?
(A) Do I take forever to make my decision?
=I want to look at what will happen, I want to imagine all the possibilities of my actions, I want to create the numerous futures in my head before I make a major decision. I don’t want to be caught in the vicious cycle, unprepared.
(B) Do I dive in and hope the water isn’t too cold?
=I am impatient. I want to make that choice, regardless of what could happen. I want to do it without stressing out too much of the consequences.
My conclusion? I am a hypocrite.
I hate change and yet, I yearn for it and advocate it.
I take forever to make decisions because of my fear of the consequences.
I make my choice on impulse because I don’t want to stress out over the consequences.
Haha, but for some reason though, I don’t really mind it.
I can’t explain it right now, but I am happy. And that is all that matters for the moment.
To Matty W!
Mah!! Wow, I didn't know you hated change that much. I'll admit, I thought that you only disliked it but also wanted it too... Bah!!! You are really organized! It's not a bad thing, I don't think, in fact, I think that's a really good thing that will help you guage your time during college for study and play. Hm... I think I should try it myself and see if I like it. I'm always a "start it, finish it later when you find the time" kinda girl.
Also, I really liked how you pulled entropy into this. It actually fits with this subject. That was pure genius!!! You use that outside knowledge!!
"After coming to the conclusion that my options are unappealing or they are all amazing, I turn to my “Ol’ Faithful” choosing mechanism, “iny-meany-miny-mo,” I do this to ensure I am exposed to some randomness, the hope being the I will slowly get accustomed to it. However, considering I have been employing this method for 17 ½ years, it doesn’t seem to be the cure, but you never know."I too use that all the time when I can't seem to make a decision. Ehehe, last year on the Government exam, I kinda did that for the last few questions because I was running out of time and I had crossed out like 1 or 2 of the choices. I'm pretty sure that helped me a bit.
Hehe, it's not a dumb fear. It's natural that people feel afraid when it comes to the unknown. They want to know. So, don't down yourself, Matty! You's coolio! ^____^
“Change; we don’t like it, we fear it, but we can't stop it from coming. We either adapt to change or we get left behind. And it hurts to grow, anybody who tells you it doesn’t is lying. But here's the truth...the more things change, the more they stay the same. And sometimes, oh, sometimes change is good. Oh, sometimes, change is...everything.” -Grey’s Anatomy
Change, Change, Change, Change, Change.
Change is one of those incredibly difficult things to classify. It cannot truly be said that change is all bad or all good. It cannot be said that people can only fear or relish change; most likely, it is both. This is the case with me.
There are certain things in life where change is not welcome. This change could be something as minute as moving around the furniture in my room or as devastating as losing someone so close to me that I feel like my heart has just emptied out. I’m not sure I would call my feeling about change fear. I just don’t this type of change because it makes me feel like apprehensive and anxious and sad. Moving furniture in my room makes me apprehensive because I guess I feel that I’ll never get a setup as perfect as the old one. I usually kick and scream if I have to reposition things in my room. It does NOT help that I have OCD about many things.
Losing someone you love and cherish is one of the worst kinds of change. It leaves scars on your heart that will never fade, and will ache from time to time at random. Let’s face it; no one wants to lose someone or something they love. They love it for goodness sake! Life without someone you care about will change your life instantaneously. Suddenly, situations where they are the first person you call come to an abrupt end. If he/she was the one you ranted to, suddenly, you find yourself left alone. This type of change only helps to portray the emptiness in your life now, and your previous dependency on them. This type of change is not fun. But hey, if you enjoy the feeling of absence in your life, have at it.
Though the change of losing your loved ones and moving furniture is quite devastating, never fear. There is still that special kind of change that makes you get up in the morning, excited to see what will happen today! There is the change in seasons for one. First of all, I love Spring! Every winter I yearn for Spring to arrive. It is an amazing time of the year when the flowers begin to bloom, and out come the twittering birdies and the hippity-hoppity rabbits frolicking with the butterflies. It is just plain beautiful. Then, just when you begin to get tired of Spring, in rushes summer with its glorious sunny days and warm sandy beaches. (Btw, my dad said last summer that if I do well enough on my SATs, then next summer, which is this coming up summer, I CAN HAVE A LIFEEE. I cannot wait! There is so much I wanted to do las-I’ll talk about this later!) Other than season changes, there is also the change that is approaching us all, going from juniors to SENIORS!!! This is intense. After a short 10 months of school, we will officially be high school graduates and off to college. COLLEGE! Can you possibly imagine it?! As you all know by know, I desperately yearn of college. I yearn for adventure. I yearn for fun and excitement. Anyone who went on the trip to Washington a week or so ago knows, when I am free of restrictions, I am pretty...out there. Haha, to say the least. College will be no different. It will be one big ride. I want to go to college in or very close to a city. I need it. There is some much excitement in cities, and the things you can discover there are endless! I mean sure, there will be homework and stuff, but come on. We all know that the days you have one or two classes are going to be amazing. It will be pure freedom. No one can tell you what to do with your time. It is all yours. This will be the biggest change in my life so far. It is this lovely, excruciatingly exciting change that I yearn for. That I desire.
These changes will alter me for the better I believe. I will gain more experience from them, and will learn how to deal with difficult changes that will in turn make me a more confident and stronger person as time rushes onwards. Speaking of dealing with difficult changes, I do believe these little buggers lead to the next question, Choice.
How do I make my decisions. My choices.
Like change, I feel that there are two categories for choice. The first are the choices that only affect me. Things like...what color should I paint my nails, what shirt should I wear, what time should I go to sleep, how much candy should I eat, what candy SHOULD I eat when I get out of bed in the morning, how many crunches should I do, or how much I should spend on a shopping spree for me! All these fall in this category that only affects me personally. These choices I usually make based on my mood, and how self-motivated I am to do something for me. Don’t get me wrong. I love doing these things. It is just that I also tend to be on the lazy side which leads to unmotivation to do things that are only for me. However nail polish is totally another story. The nail polish that I choose is based off whatever I plan to wear, which is based on my amount of perkiness and girliness that I am feeling at that moment. Yes, there are many things to think about when applying nail polish. =) I make the choices I do because it affects my self-confidence, and self-happiness.
The other type of change is the one that affects others. I am usually only selfish to my family and probably Brittany sometimes. Other than that, I really just make my choices based on what will make people happy. When I choose to make my holiday chocolates, I do it for everyone else, because I love making their day just a little more special. Then they will get to think, “Hey, someone remembered me today!” When I choose to go up in snack line with Brittany, even though she pays me, I would still go up there with her so she won’t be alone without the money. (Hope she doesn’t read this....=P) I could go on to exemplify how I am selfless, but that is boring, and no one wants to read about that!
So this is where I end my lovely tirade. (What is a tirade anyways? I have no clue, but I like the word.) Now, let’s all get saddled up for a big change from AP Language to DEATH MONTH!!! MUAHAHAHA! (That was necessary.)
In the lyrics of Miss Clarkson:
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly.
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky.
Make a wish, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.
Out of the darkness and into the sun.
But I won't forget all the ones that I love.
I'll take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away
Dev and Molly:
I feel the same way as you guys. I want to go to colelge so bad because I hate high school and everything about it, but then when I really think about it, I question if college is really what I think it is. I wonder if I'll make any friends, find my way to classes, and be able to live my life with all the different things going on. Ah I am going to be a wreck freshman year, but atleast I won't be at Oakcrest.
Jen:
Haha, yes I do remember. The conclusion was (Jen just told me) they are CHOCOLATE JIMMIES AND RAINBOW SPRIKNLES. Yup, so Jordan and Devon you both win. ALso Jen, do you remember that was when we wanted a frozen treat really bad and stopping to get one was the leading cause to the joke in our trip. haha yup. I didn't even finish it I was so pissed. mehh
Song--A tirade is an angry rant that rages against a person or an idea. They key is ANGRY. :) You, therefore, are incapable of such a thing! :)
Wow Jordan, you would go there. If you must know, my grandmother is from the south so perhaps I picked up the "jimmy" habit from her. Regardless, we will have to agree to disagree on this one!
Haha, nope Devon I think I just won on that note.
Jordan:
"Clearly, they are smarter and can understand that its a SPRINKLE, not a male human. Do you know who else calls them jimmies? The people that live in the South. I'm not going to make any sectionalist/racist(?) claims, but you can see the connection I'm making."
Jordan, jimmies is by no means racist/sectionalist. Jimmies is actually the original name name for sprinkles. They were named after the sweet candy's producer. So, unfortunately for you, Devon wins that argument since the name jimmies exist before sprinkles. Sprinkles branched off later and is usually used to differentiate the rainbow colored candies from the chocolate colored ones. If you don't believe me, look it up, I did :) So, hopefully, that will settle this sweet debacle.
Enough of my idle palaver (vocab word!) though, time to get down to business.
As weird as it may seem, it's impossible to be completely yearning for change. There will always be that little tiny part of someone that is dreading the possibility that the change puts them in a worse position than they were in originally. Unfortunately, this is caused by the culprit of many unchangeable problems in society: human nature. All humans want what will ultimately make them feel better or better themselves in life. No one does anything just because it's nice or "the right thing to do." A person helps out those in nursing homes or centers for those with disabilities because it makes them feel better about who they are. If they didn't get that warm fuzzy feeling in their gullet, they wouldn't do it, unless it somehow furthers their position in society. For instance, if a high school student lends a helping hand it's either for the feeling, it looks good for college, or cause the school requires it. I digress though. As much as a person may want change to occur, people inherently have a little thought in the back of their head that says "what if this change only creates more destruction and strife in my life?"
Now that that little issue has been cleared away I must say that if I had it my way, change would be so slow it'd be nonexistent. It's not so much that change scares me; it's just more of I don't like it. And although I don't like change, it's really only human-induced change that I'm not a fan of. Natural change is acceptable, such as the changes people go through during adolescence and high school.(Not puberty you perverts, I meant more of the psychological changes.) This type of change occurs at such a rate that it almost doesn't occur at all. In a sense it's equivalent to the growth of hair...
I'm about to lose internet again. (To be Continued)
@Jordan and Devon and Matt.
Jimmies was what they were called at first. It's trademarked by the guys who made them first in America, thus preceding any sprinkles nonsense and being right.
Evidence!! http://www.brighams.com/ice_cream/facts.asp
And Sprinkles, according to Google search results, are cupcakes.
http://www.sprinkles.com/index.html
And due to nerds and our unnecessary research, Devon wins.
In other news, DAMN YOU ALL! Now I want ice Cream _and_ cupcakes.
And that took way too many attempts to post correctly. My apologies.
Change. It has some very bad connotations for reasons I can’t even begin to imagine. Sure, there are changes that may not be the best right away, but ‘the universe tends to unfold as it should’, and everything turns out alright in the end. So I, for one, can say that I welcome change with open arms in hopes for the best possible outcome.
I wouldn’t say that I yearn for change in every situation, because I like how things are sometimes. I’d say I simply accept it. It’s going to happen sooner or later, so I much rather it be sooner than later. Either way, change excites me. I enjoy new things. New places, ideas, people, experiences etc. I even like seeing changes in myself once in a while; whether it’s physical, like getting tanner or something more mental, like feeling more confident in something I do. But the most appealing part, to me, is the fact that there is so much out there that we have yet to be exposed to and I want to experience it all (okay, not the HORRIBLE things like genocide and starvation, come on now people).
Though, I feel that^ is a huge part of the fear that comes from ‘change’. Fear of the unknown. Not knowing how certain choices we make or laws created will affect our every day lives can be scary. But it’s important to give things a chance! It’s like trying new foods. So many people are even afraid to do that. But there’s no reason to be. If you don’t like what you just tasted, try something else! If a new policy is made, and it’s a horrible one, people will realize it and another change will be made to fix it.
In my life as of right now, the most drastic change I can see in my near future is college, of course. And you know what? For the most part, I can’t wait! I want to be on my own and away from the everyday routine life I’ve been forced to live. As horrible as that sounds, I feel that I truly need it in order to discover who I really am. Let’s face it guys, we have only a minor glance of who we are because we haven’t had the opportunity to push ourselves out of our comfort zones. Well college is the greatest chance we will get and I’m not going to waste it!
On the other hand, making choices is something I HATE. Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate it! It’s a horrible thing. I can’t choose between something as simple as whether I want chicken or steak for dinner. So, I can’t fathom why we are left with choosing what we want to do with the rest of our lives RIGHT NOW when I can’t even decide what I want to eat. It’s kind of scary.
Regardless, there is somewhat of a process I go through when making my decisions. With most things, I have to admit that I’m normally on the safe side. I think about possible outcomes, whether it be for a second or a whole week, to make sure what I’m doing is ‘okay’. I do this hoping that somewhere in my brain, I am choosing the right thing that will help me in the future. Almost all the decisions I make right now are geared towards my future more than anything. I choose not to go out Friday night knowing I have an early game Saturday, because this will help the ‘future’ of my team, my talent and competitive spirit. However, sometimes I still manage to make the wrong decision. But that’s part of life I guess, you learn from your mistakes, right? And it’s definitely part of being a kid and growing up. So I’m not too afraid yet. But I will be when next year rolls around and I have to choose between colleges. You know, the schools that will hopefully give you the education needed for your future career? The ‘names’ that will help you get a job to support yourself for the rest of your life? Yeah, college. Now that’s a scary thing.
I don’t mean to contradict myself, because I’m superrrr pumped for college. But I’m NOT looking forward to the treacherous journey of ‘decision making’ in order for me to get there.
:)
HAYLEY!
Oh my god, that rant you just went on about lunch was hilarious. I seriously almost died. I could see you just sitting there thinking about all that.. because you DO. And you're crazy for it. HAHAHA i can't stop laughing. You're ridiculous.
But onward... I feel we, as well as many others here, are on the same page with how we feel about college. It's obviously an exciting new experience, but there's so much to consider that, I feel, we all are not ready to think about just yet. So most of us are drooling over the excitement of the 'idea' of college, but dreading the reality that it comes with. Either way, we'll get through it! Somehow.. some day... some way :)
Dev-
“While I fell in love with the city, I found myself missing my mom, my friends, and good old quiet Laureldale. I found myself contemplating a lot. Could I ever go this far from home? Would I make it without being around the familiarities of my life? I started to really think about what I want out of my college experience, and all of this contradicting, confusing, befuddling nonsense brings me to choice...”
I feel you. Whenever I visit a college, I have to put myself in the environment, and it is hard to think of my life away from Sweetwater. I want a college away from my life now, but somewhere close enough where I can come home when I need my parents. It is scary, to think of making that choice, because it will change our life. But I can’t wait!
First of all, I would like to apologize to the entire world for the language that I found myself using when I wrote this so if you are easily offended by swearing and things of that nature, please read with your own caution.
There is no lemon goodness though, so you have been spared.
I have said this before on other blogs and I will say it again, I am a creature of change.
Myra: a being that exists in a constant state of change, usually one that is delved into a state of chaos.
I love change, I love the very idea, the notion of change, that things are in a constant state of flux so sparratic and unpredictable that all are subject to its pulses. I can't help but admit that I am drawn to it, bonded to it if you will. With out change I am nothing, never have been, never will be. My life has been filled with nothing but the ebbs and flows of change and I know that I will never be without it. If there is one thing that is guaranteed in my life, it will be that I will change. Be it today, tomorrow, or even next week, I will be changed. And for that matter, I am also a fan and follower of chaos. I thrive in it to be exact. I love the idea that no matter how hard we may try at something, it will, more than likely, find some way to spin out of our control and leave us dangling by our shoelaces off the edge of some cliff above a deep and rocky gorge. It is only when we are faced with chaos, I believe, that we truly find out who and what we are, what we are capable of, and how far we are willing to go to find the lost order. I am not a being of order or control, it is something that I enjoy losing. I am the person that, instead of hanging onto the safety rope for dear life, I'll let go if only to discover just what it feels like to hit the bottom. I live under the idea that there is some kind of higher or lower power that is watching out for my ass while I go about doing the inane and insane shit that I do nearly every other day of my existence. I put my faith into a higher or lower power that will hopefully look out for my rear end when push comes to shove and I need to go through a "big" change. So needless to say, I do not fear change. I GOT PEOPLE!
To make a quick comment on what Matty W said earlier (if you haven't read it yet or aren't a fan of his blogs, i suggest you read this one because it is fantastic) I have no box. I do not believe in a box and if there were a box, it was either A) too small to contain Myra inside of it or B) torn to pieces a long time ago so Myra cannot ever recall what it looked like. And for that, there is a simple explanation. I have an older brother, Charles, who has to do everything in accordance to a schedule. He's had a schedule since he was very little and still lives on one to this day, a good twenty-three years later. I saw what his life on his schedule was like and the few times when things occurred that interfered with his schedule, he would freak out. Literally, he would just lose it. After seeing that, I swore that I would never constrict myself to something like that and have, from then on, been a lover of change. So I suppose that would be my "WHY" for this section.
My other why would have to be that I know that there is a high probability that I will have to go through a really big, life altering change in my future, one that I know I do not want to go through. As some people might know, I have Lyme disease, also called Borrelia Burgdorfer. A lot of people get this disease, it comes form a tick bite. Most people also get over it relatively quickly with the help of Keflex and Sulfa drugs, both of which are things that I just so happen to be allergic to. Thanks to that, even though I have it under control, there is a very strong possibility that I will suffer from the harsher long-term side effects most people don't get, ones that I am starting to show slight signs of as I get older. I'm not looking forward to what some of these may be, and God willing I won't have to go through them at all, but chances are good that I will. I have accepted this as what my life may be, a change that I may or may not have to face, but one I am now willing to endure. So for now, while I still have the ability to accept and reject change, I will and I'll do it with gusto.
Now on to choice.
Choice, choice, choice choice.
To be honest, I have never been a real carer about choice or no choice. If possible, I ignore choice all together and go strictly on impulse and if not impulse, then that little creepy time path talked about in Donnie Darko. I honestly do that. I imagine a liquid path in front of me and where ever it seems to pull me, that's where I go and what I follow. I know some of you may find that to be a bit pathetic, but I never claimed to be anything other than pathetic. Well, I have stated on more than one occasion that I have no soul, but that doesn't count. You can be pathetic and soulless at the same time, there is no rule against that.
I would also like to say that I am not a person that follows any set path, nor do I regret any decisions that I may make. You must understand, when I come to a fork in the road, I do not simply see two paths or two options. I always see the invisible third choice and if unable to chose between choice A and choice B, I will always fall back upon option X (in the realm of Myra, there is no letter after B. There is only X.) If I can't decide whether or not to pick the right path or the left path, I'll simply chose neither are start to make my own, tromping through the thorn bushes as I go, being scratched and bleeding but feeling all the better for it because my path is my own.
There is a game out for the PS2, it came out quite some time ago and it's called A Bard's Tale. In this game, you are always faced with different options and choices that could change the game in many ways. Anyway, at the end of this game, you have fought your way to the top of this tall tower to free this princess that has promised you not only gold, but also a roll in the hay if you catch my meaning if you free her. But with the princess is the main villain, this guy in a black cloak that states quite bluntly that your character is a fool for wanting to free the princess because she is actually a she-demon spawned from the depths of Hell to lead Earth into destruction. Needless to say, you're faced with the choice of siding with the princess or siding with the villain. If you pick the princess, you kill the villain only to find out that she actually was the queen of Hell and you have helped lead the world to its doom, but your character doesn't really mind al that much since he still gets the money and the Queen of Hell is rather hot. If you pic the villain, you end up fighting the demon form of the princess, the villain thanks you for choosing the right path, and you leave on your merry way, the bard going back to what he did before the adventure, singing songs and killing giant rats. But there was also a third option that you could pick at the end. Neither. So al total options were princess, villain, or neither. When neither is chosen, something rather interesting happens; the bard simply leaves that tower. Really. The bard says "I never asked to be some kind of hero so screw you both, what I've gone through simply isn't worth all this, I'm going home." And the bard simply leaves and the story bluntly ends.
THIS IS ME!
I am that third option, or at least that is the option that I almost always seem to pick. When there is simply too much choice or I can't decide, I throw my hands in to the air, loudly shout "Fuck this!" and proceed to watch Transformers and laugh my butt off whilst eating Oreos and peanut butter (SCORE! XD) It's worked well for me thus far in life and it makes things on heck of a lot more interesting too. What do I want to drink, black cherry soda or cream soda? I can't decide so I'll just grab option X, blue raspberry cotton candy (which does exist and it is fucking delicious! It's one of the Jones specialty sodas and -Omfg- it is the best thing I have ever tasted! Jones +2500 pts.) ANd for that matter, i don't weigh my out comes either. It takes way too much time, time that I will never get back simply questioning what MAY happen and never finding out what WILL happen. My life is too short to sit about, wondering what my life could be like and never actually finding out what it will be. I mean, do you have time to sit around, wondering what may happen? Not me, I've got shit to do, things that need my attention or that I at least believe need my attention. I've got to get those things done, I can't be sitting there, supposing every little damned thing that I do in my day. Screw that!
Besides, my past has been full out shit. No matter what may be thrown my way or hits the fan in my future, it won't be half as bad as what I've been through already, so why really worry?
And to both Jordan and Dev on the ice cream issue: Both the terms "Jimmie" and "Sprinkle" started out as brands of ice cream toppings, so depending on what brand you buy, that would often determine what you call them (just like how we all can band-aids "band-aids," even though the correct name for them is bandage or sticking plaster since "band-aids" is actually a brand name. ) When I was little, the brand we got was called "Sugar Ants," so I grew up calling them that, which really confused people. Could you both at least agree that they taste yummy no matter what you call them to make these Jimmie-Sprinkles not lose their already low self-esteem? Please?
Change has always been a complicated subject to discuss. I am a wimp and I am afraid of change. To me change means leaving something that you know and going to something that you have no idea about. Just thinking about change scares me and gives me night mares. The thought of not knowing where I am or what to do, not knowing what to do or how to do it. I know that change is inevitable but I want to avoid it as much as I can. One of the main changes that I am afraid of is leaving sunny Mays Landing and going off to college. I am afraid that I won’t know what to do or I might get lost. I afraid to get a bad grade and making the right choices all the time. It’s going to be hard and it’s going to be extra scary for me. Even though I know what path I want to go down I am still sacred. It’s not going to be easy changing everything at once. Plus I have to leave my friends. Everyone is probably going to go very far away and I am going to be all alone. I hate that. Life gets really scary when you are all alone in a new place in which you know like no one. I hate that, I hate it, I hate it…….. I don’t know how else to put it. Just the thought of change- going into an unfamiliar setting is scary. I know that the seniors are scared right now and I will be in their shoes next year, but I am sssoooo not ready for that. I am not ready for the change that awaits us. I am not ready for college. I am not ready to leave my friends and go my own way. I am not ready for change. But I need to face the fact that change will happen no matter what, and it all depend on choices.
Choices: right/wrong, good/bad, etc. Believe it or not we make choices every second we are alive. We choose to live, we choose to eat, we choose to be happy, we choose to come to school (we choose to obey our parents), we choose to do the blog, etc. Choices are things that create our surrounding and us. They define. You can choose to not do the blog because you are tired, you head is killing you but you usually choose to do the blog and be a good student. Everyday choices come to most people naturally. I hope that people don’t have to choose to breathe or choose to sleep. But massive choices that could define the rest of life or just my day I think about for a minute. I make choices by considering the consequences. I think about the future before the present. Even though many philosophers would hate that I just do. It’s me and it’s something that I have always done. Some choices require intensive thinking and concentration, for example what college are you going to? Or what do you plan to major in? All choices that require you think about the future. See that’s not hard for me because my present only take place because of my future. Everything I do is though out with a long term effect. I know I may over think things sometimes but usually I turns out pretty well in the end.
Matt W:
I am also terrified of change. The fact of leaving something behind and going towards something unfamiliar make me want to hide under my cover for the rest of my life. But both us need to accept that change is something that runs our lives. If we don’t face it we can never move forward. But I think that I can wait until senior year and then face change. I mean it can’t be that bad???
For Jordan and Dev, a little research from your pal:
Here is some history:Back in the 1930s, the Just Born candy company of Bethlehem produced a topping called chocolate grains. The man who ran the machine that made these chocolate grains was named Jimmy Bartholomew."Thus, his product became known as jimmies," said Ross Born, the chief executive officer. He was told this story by his grandfather and company founder, Sam Born. Just Born registered jimmies as its trademark, and continued producing jimmies until the mid-1960s - which is why the name was so popular here.The trademark expired and soon after, Just Born stopped making jimmies.This account, however, has been disputed.The Boston Globe investigated the origin of jimmies last winter after a reader inquired about a rumor that the term originally was racist - the idea being that some people refer only to chocolate ones as jimmies, and rainbow ones as sprinkles. Perhaps, the reader surmised, the word descended from Jim Crow.The Globe found no evidence of this, but did cite a commentary in 1986 on National Public Radio by the late Boston poet John Ciardi, who claimed: "From the time I was able to run to the local ice cream store clutching my first nickel, which must have been around 1922, no ice cream cone was worth having unless it was liberally sprinkled with jimmies."Ciardi, the Globe said, "dismissed Just Born as claim-jumpers looking to trademark someone else's sweet inspiration." His jimmies had come first.The truth may never be known.But what is undeniable, according to industry experts, is that jimmies gradually gave way to sprinkles, a more vivid and appealing name.For example, a world leader in sprinkles is QA Products outside Chicago. It started making sprinkles 10 years ago - under the brand name Sprinkle King.When Vince Joyce of the Custard Stand on Ridge Avenue gives his customers jimmies, he gets them from a Sprinkle King box.For the record, a chocolate sprinkle includes cocoa and offers a faint chocolate taste. But all rainbow colors taste exactly the same, which is to say, have virtually no taste.This was confirmed by Kasey Dougherty and Kathleen DeMichele of the Dairy Queen in Ocean City. On a rainy day last summer, they conducted a taste test - blindfolded.Neither could tell pink from yellow from green."Nobody gets rainbow sprinkles for the flavor," Dougherty said. "They get them for the colors, and the crunch."
So Jimmies are softer and Sprinkles are harder and have a more defined chocolate taste.
Don't screw with Myra and her Sugar Ants.
“No matter
how far you
go down the
wrong
road,
you can always
turn back.”
“Wrong road” in its bright orange letters cyclones into my slighted vision each day from Monday through Friday beginning at 1:50pm. “I am taking the wrong road, aren’t I?” I question myself. “Or am I taking the wrong road?” Perhaps I took the wrong road a long time ago, and I have not even realized it yet. Perhaps I just took the wrong road last period by deciding to try to answer a question and completely embarrassing myself. Perhaps I will take the wrong road, and will have to redo an entire sector of my life. Then, I look at the next part of the saying “you can always turn back”. “What a lie,” I begin to think to myself. Sure you could always turn around and follow the road back to where you started, but the past cannot be erased. Once you have made the decision, you must live with its consequences. The wrong road will always be with you, regardless of the better road you decided to take. As inspiring as this quote has been to me, I can’t help but think of the other side to it. I know I will be able to turn back, but I question how much more difficult it will be after already having traveled down the wrong road.
When I was fourteen years old, I made it my goal to be accepted into Oxford University. Then, I slowly began to picture myself in Paris, Nuremberg, and Florence as a student trying to major in business management. Now that the reality of college is beginning to set in, I realize just how big of a mistake this decision could become. I would love to immediately begin my travel days at an age of nineteen, yet, this change could easily take me down a road that I am not yet ready for. I could get sick, I could be made fun of for being an American, I could have no friends, I could get lost, or I could give up due to the pressure. This is not going to stop me from applying to colleges out of the country, but the consequences that may result from such a choice, if accepted, will certainly cloud my vision.
Overall, change is, without a doubt, one of my biggest fears. While it is a fear, I do believe that engaging in its uncertainty is important. Personally, the prospect that frightens me the most is its unknown, unpredictable aftermath. One has no way of knowing if the change that is being brought about will have a beneficial or negative effect. Overall, what I fear will result is regret. Regret is a human emotion that hurts us more than fear. In the beginning we fear the consequences, but in the end, if we are met with negative results, the fear we once felt cannot compare to the regret we are faced with. Regret, being the wish to erase the past, cannot be fully cured. It stays buried within us as we pretend as if our feet never once touched the wrong road. But it’s too late. Our feet have already been stained by traveling down its path. As mentioned, even if you travel down the better road, you still carry the dirt of the wrong road beneath you shoes.
When faced with choice, I do tend to weigh all the options as opposed to trying something and waiting for the results. Often, when given choices, I find that my heart begins to beat three times its original rate, my eyes dilate in synchronization to my heartbeats, and my muscles become weak in my lower body while they become tense in my upper body. I usually do not spend time on just the pros of the choice, but rather switch constantly between the pros and cons that come to me. It’s quite ironic to think that all of the pros and cons that come to you are always about the future; something that is unpredictable and mostly uncontrollable. When making a decision, I suppose one of my problems is the belief that the decision must be made right away. This may be true in some cases, but not all. When coming eye-to-eye with a decision that does not have to be made instantaneously, it should be given the appropriate amount of thought. Nevertheless, this can also be a problem for me, since I often spend an unnecessary amount of time weighing the consequences. For instance, just as I am writing this blog, I am questioning each word I should choose in order to make sure it is the one I want. It is certainly time-consuming, but writing is an art that exposes who you are. It exposes you in a way, which I personally cannot do verbally. Writing is one of my main forms of communication and passion, and therefore, I would hate to create confusion or double meanings in my artwork.
In addition when faced with a choice, I usually turn to other’s advice. Having advice makes regret much more bearable. Advice gives you a perspective which you could not be able to form on your own. There could be far more sides to a choice which you may not be able to see. Advice is not essential, but can draw a clearer “wrong” and “better” road for you. These are just some of the reasons why I choose to seek advice in decision-making.
Even though the first words I see as I direct my attention to the front of the class may be “wrong road”, the quote at least does not deny the existence of a better road. I still do not fully accept the quote because it simplifies life far too much. True, life should at times be simplified, but in this case, it seems to be disguising the existence of regret and consequences. I chose to criticize this quote because it is something I question everyday and will continue to question. Is the wrong road supposed to be simplified? Does everyone truly behold the ability to turn back? How important is it to travel down this wrong road? At what point will we know it is the wrong road, and how should we begin our search for a better one? The answers to these questions will have to wait for another day.
In response to Jordan C:
I must say that it was rather impressive how you were able to connect change with the human aversion for doing the “right thing” without the presence of personal benefits. I also never thought of human nature as being unchangeable. I see what you mean, but I’ll have to think about that one in order to form my own opinion about that. Anyway, I do agree that humans generally do not engage in the “right thing” unless a benefit is attached, but it is what motivates us. If this motivation were absent, people in need would probably have no luck whatsoever. Doctors help their patients because they want to get paid and gain credibility, but then again, don’t you think that there may be a small side to that doctor who really just wants to save the person’s life?
First and foremost I am so thankful the blog is back to being its truest form, it excites me.
I’m the type of girl you find hiding in the bathroom stall when change comes to my front door. I hate change with all of my heart. Everything about change scares me out of my socks. I have a routine that I love every single day. I see the same people at the same times, and although the conversation may differ the feeling is the same. I am so incredibly comfortable in my routine that it breaks my heart to think it will eventually change. I know for a fact that change is coming, in a few big ways, and it only makes me want to forgo socks in the morning. I love the cadence that exudes from my routine. It is comfortable and it fits me. I have never been good with change, it often leaves me insecure. This happens mostly because I blame all negative change on myself. I always seem to find a way in which change can be linked to myself, for example someone does something with me and I think it’s my mistake. I always think I have something wrong with me and change is always confirmation. If maybe I didn’t say that, that person would still be here at my locker. It’s the ridiculous fact that I’m afraid of everything from the sky falling in on me to the people in my life not being there anymore that I hate change. Change signifies one door closing, but also another door opening. The problem is I don’t want another door to open when I have become so content in door number one. I have the very old fashioned view of if one doors working for you, why move on? Why change things when they are already close to perfect? I can say whole heartedly that I am scared to death of college. I don’t know what I want to do with my life, and that’s a huge change. That’s one change I am in no way prepared for. It is all about the fear of making wrong choices, and like the blog says change and choice are two of the same.
I never make a choice without going through the million consequences going through my head. It could be as simple as that will make my hips get even fatter, or that could ruin something that I actually want. I think of every possible situation, and every possible answer before acting. This all stems back to fear. Fear is my biggest enemy, something I have to cope with everyday. I know I’m afraid that if I don’t apologize or make amends with that certain person that too many things will change. If I don’t go smooth things over, I worry about tomorrow. I worry about what people with think, say, or do. I would like to believe what goes around comes around. This forces me to try and make the best choices I can. I don’t want anything to come back around and bite me. I make choices in fear, and in the shame of being insecure. One wrong move in my head comes back and haunts you. Yet, what is considered a bad move when everyone’s circumstances vary. What one person does out of love another could do out of vengeance. I know my own motives, but sometimes those lines get so jaded, and ebbed. There have been a grand total of 4 things I’ve ever been a hundred percent certain of in my life. One by one those things keep changing, and slipping away. Thus, yeah I’m afraid but I’m surviving with my head held up high. I’m afraid to even break down because of that old saying, there is a million people out there just waiting to see you fall. That’s what drives me to make my choices, and what makes me hate change.
Alright, as much as I hate the "middle path" answers, I'm gonna go ahead and kind of stray towards one with this question. First of all, let me establish that change is a very good thing. Change is you body and mind's way of telling you that somewhere in life you screwed up BIG TIME (Internal Change) or just a fresh new start and a change of scenery (External Change). Both, as I said, usually benefit you in someway in the end. Don't flame me about this because I did say "USUALLY!!!" What really sucks about change the most, is the process of going through change. For people like me, if I am not 100% into a particular period of change, I won't go on with the process. Instead I'll either back away completely or just try to adapt for the better. So lets say you live in a gang-infested city and you decide to *for w/e reason* stop carrying a fire-arm in you pocket...you might not get through the process of change at all because thoughts of ending on the wrong side of the barrel will remind you that its better too carry Mr. Blasty around. Or, if say you have a huge test to study for but you have an extreme love for you hobby, you will fail to enter Cram Mode, instead you'll study a bit, and play a bit..or any possible combination of that. It is for people like us, that don't liek uncertainty and chances of failure that don't like to go through change.....This might also explain why I don't like to gambol.
When confronted with a choice, I like to take the most direct route to making the choice: act on impulse. Acting on impulse is not recommended for those who go absolutely bat shit insane about making a wrong move. Now, i don't like to be wrong, but always doing the right thing is boring as all hell can be. So, after years of being a good kid and thinking things through to make sure my answers let me stay a good kid....I said "enough." So now, I try to make a few more decisions on impulse... Let go of the brain tissue-tearing that is overthinking... Choose the more fun answer as opposed to the other..horrible..answer. But, to make sure that I dont' take this too far out of control, I have strict guidelines to this. Children...always say no to drugs, alcohol, stealing, sexual predetors, making fun of armed cops, cursing out your customer(if you have a job) and anything else that clear as day will get you into 5x more trouble then fun.
To Matt: Well actually the dreaded "C" word is "cataclysm" but uggh....change works.
To Ivan: I'd comment, but I think Bunje would go insane if the forbidden "P" word came out of my mouth.
To Comment Deleted: God I wish I knew what was said there.
Change... I guess I would say that I like change. Change is good. It keeps life from getting boring. Variety is the spice of life and all that. But I wouldn't say I adore change either. I would hate for my life to change often. I like having something that's constant, like my small before-bed rituals I always follow (brush teeth, put on lotion, make sure all the closets are closed and that all light is blocked by any means necessary, like covering my clock's face with silly putty... which I do do). So change is good, as long as it doesn't happen continually. And even when change happens, which it does, there is good change and bad change. Going away for college is an example of a good change, while moving to Mississippi or Nevada (long story) is a bad change. Well, at least for me.
As for choice, I have difficulty thinking a decision through before acting. Actually, that's putting it mildly. It's more like I just go with whatever I'm feeling at the time with no real thought whatsoever. I used to do this more often, but as of late I have been trying to remedy this natural tendency of mine, since it's really not the best trait. So, although I try to think things through, I often just don't. If I want to eat my chocolate bunny, then I eat my chocolate bunny, damn it, and ignore the little voice at the back of my mind that nags that if I eat all the bunny today, there will be no bunny left for later. A big part of why I do this is that I think it's just in my nature. See the bleachers, climb up the bleachers, with no thought to the very real possibility that I may get stuck in the bleachers and need a friend to help me down (another long story). It's just sort of who I am. It's who I always have been. Play in the streets, paint the bottom of the slide, jump off the stairs and tackle your brother to the ground while playing Power Rangers...
Have I worried after I've made a choice that it was the wrong one? Hasn't everybody? But I've always felt (and this is almost certainly the Disney movies talking) that if I follow my heart and do what I think is best, even if I'm wrong, everything will eventually work out.
God, I sound like I should be puking rainbows and puppy dogs. I'll go with it.
Linds-
"Thus, yeah I’m afraid but I’m surviving with my head held up high. I’m afraid to even break down because of that old saying, there is a million people out there just waiting to see you fall. "
You are a strong person, and I know you will be fine. Life has its ups and down and you have a lot of friends to be there for you. Trust me, I know the feeling, but I know you will survive.
Linds:
"I always seem to find a way in which change can be linked to myself, for example someone does something with me and I think it’s my mistake. I always think I have something wrong with me and change is always confirmation. If maybe I didn’t say that, that person would still be here at my locker."
Yo girl, you and me are always on the same wavelength when it comes to this stuff. I totally understand what you mean. You start regretting certain things you did and scrutinizing every little detail. Eventually though, I think change will help to bring forth new people into our lives which we may miss out on if we are stuck in the past. Plus, you are a supergirl and you seem pretty flawless to me. All you can do is be what you are. No regrets. =)
Change is obviously inevitable. In a little over a year, all of us are going to witness one of the major changes in our lives- college. I am one of those people who are undecided about change. However, I don’t think I’ve ever actually welcomed change because my fear of it overshadows my excitement for it. Change is often very terrifying for me because I don’t know its outcome. Will everything turn out okay? Or will everything just crumble apart? I’d rather stay away from change then risk having my life be torn apart. Comfort is also another reason I don’t like change. Right now, I am comfortable with the friends I have and the life I’m living. Actually, I am more than comfortable with my friends. They mean so much to me. The thought of never seeing one of them everyday in the incoming years is very heartbreaking to me. I don’t want to lose touch with any of them and have to start over with new friends. I know that there will always be more friends, but what if I’m happy with the ones I have now?
At the same time, sometimes I want change more than anything. I think I would be happier if I stop holding onto things and just be open to a new adventure in my life. As for college, I just want to be on my own and away from parents. If change will let that happen, then so be it. More than that, change is what will allow me to move on with my life. I want to get my future started. I want to have a career that I love and have a family that I love too.
As for choices, I make them depending on the situation. Most of the time, I do weigh all my options and think about the consequences. By doing so, the decision process can be very frustrating. It’d be much easier if I were someone who could just “go with flow.” Yet, I think my ability to weigh my options is what has shaped me into who I am today. When I’m confronted with a choice, I usually just sit and ponder over the situation for a very long time. If it’s so difficult that I’m ripping out my hair, I ask the people closest to me for their advice. If there were only someone there all the time to tell you what the right decisions are or at least a magic eight ball that does so! The thing is I don’t want to make a decision that I will regret in the end. Honestly, who does? Yet, there are times where I act without thinking. It’s usually because of the influence of my friends. I’m not implying that I give under peer pressure, but as a sixteen-year-old teenager, sometimes I get caught up in too much fun or I try too hard to have fun. Now, these are the times I usually regret the most. That’s the frustrating thing about choices. There are some choices that you will end up regretting. There are some decisions that you can never take back. And there are those few rare choices that you’ll always regret not taking.
So, what did I learn from this blog? I’m not sure of the type of person I am yet. I like change. I don’t like change. I believe in making decisions based on consequences. Yet, I believe in following your heart and just going for it. I don’t think I will know who I truly am until I leave high school and start a new life that’s for myself.
We humans are afraid of the unknown, of the unfamiliar, of change. Yet we seem to be drawn into that unknown, that lion’s den, at times, rushing in without that fear that dragged us down earlier. Bah. Too serious. Not my style.
I’ll give all of you the straightforward version. Though I do feel trepidation when facing change, more at some times than others, I’m interested at the end result. What will I see? What will happen? What videogames can I bring? When I’ll see something, know something new, that fetal position caused by the idea of change slowly changes to a confident stride. The process isn’t nearly so simple, lest I do something completely idiotic.
Let us begin with a scenario. I am torn. I have a copious amount of homework due tomorrow. On my desk, lies a DS. Do I play it? The answer is hell yes! If you expected anything else, you obviously don’t know me well enough. But as I pick it up, a sudden feeling of doubt pops up. Do I really want to play the game that’s in the DS already? Or should I play something else, like Pokémon Platinum, orElite Beat Agents? Perhaps our forefathers have been stumped by the very same question.
Since I obviously have all the time in the world, I go into deep thought. Not too deep to the point where it wastes time, because no one wants to waste time in preparation for the obvious cheap wins the opponents in the Battle Frontier pull out, or the constant resets as I try to get a perfect score in Jumping Jack Flash. I’ve lost all of you, haven’t I?
My thought process is simple. The first and foremost is whether or not the idea is completely idiotic. I do a relatively quick run through of a few possibilities, and if it doesn’t scream “Suicide,” I’ll consider it. The next step is what I would call the “Pain to…Unpain Ratio”. Do I search for a game in the jumbled mess of papers that I may as well get a sticky note and label “The Pit”, or just pick one next to me. Or do I choose between one that I find more fun at the moment? Yes, videogames aren’t life changing, at least when it comes to the choice between them, but you get the point. Oh, and by the way. Labeling the pile is futile, as the sticky note would likely end up hidden away by the end of the next five minutes.
Those are all that matter. Sure, there is the prospect of chance, but usually, it isn’t that bad unless it, like I’ve mentioned, screams “Suicide”. Though I don’t like running into a battle like either a moron, or a badass Viking, I don’t think there needs to be much more thought than the two that I’ve mentioned. To bog yourself down with illogical fears, or possible failure, you’ve already lost. Keep moving forward. Don’t let petty things chain you back. You’ll make both right choices and wrong choices throughout your life, no matter how much thought you put in. Yes, I give in to these illogical fears at times. Yes, I fear possible failure at times. But to waste my time by over thinking it, to stop because of these things, that, I’ll fight no matter what trepidation I feel as I step forward.
Let’s go back…the year 2006, green robes, blubbering parents, and Ms Strawn conducting our movements on a podium. Yes, this is the Mullica graduation. I remember giving a speech and feeling so troubled by the fact that I was leaving the place I’ve been for nine long years of my life. Being young and naïve I thought I was right about everything. I thought I would remain friends with the same people I walked out the Mullica doors with. I thought I had undergone all of the changes I could possible go through. And lastly I thought high school would just be even better than the lovely days at Mullica. I was unfortunately wrong on every one.
The change from middle school to high school at the time, I felt was the biggest adjustment I’d ever made. And I was okay with it because I was alright freshman and some of sophomore year. I had friends, sports, and the work wasn’t that hard. Then I became and upperclassman, a junior, and it all went downhill. I thought I could do whatever the hell I wanted to and everything suffered. I’ve lost good friends, my GPA has dropped significantly, and for a long period of time I felt like I would never get everything back to the way it was and I was ultimately doomed for failure. All of this stress and wearing out of my mind is partly due to the trials of college searching. Intending to play softball in college, I am way past the days of searching for adequate schools to suit me. I am past writing the introductory letter to college coaches telling them that ‘I am interested in playing for your school’. I have survived my first college visit and meeting with a softball coach and all is well. However, talking to these different coaches and seeing all the different schools has really been a toll on me. I realized that I have no clue what I want to do or where I want to go. Do I want a city or rural setting because I am interested in both? Do I want a big or small school because I like knowing people but I also like the atmosphere of a huge campus? JE NE SAIS PAS!! I have no freaking idea. I really can't picture myself anywhere but in the woods of Mullica because it seems so far away from the ordinary. Change...ughhh.
Like Jen and Devon both mentioned I am also extremely indecisive. I can never make the decision on where to eat or what movie to watch, so then how can I make the big decision about where I will be spending the most important 4-8 years of my life? Ahh it’s so frustrating but I’m done talking about college because I have so many mixed feelings about leaving.
So, all that nonsense was just a prelude to what all these thing have to do with change. In high school I have made a great deal of changes. By the end of freshman year I was more involved with school and activities. By the end of sophomore year my days of being quiet and shy were long gone. And now, almost the end of junior year is here and I feel like I am a completely different person. However through experiences this year I have learned to not dwell on decisions made but take them on as challenges and develop as a person from them. So this makes me a much more reasonable and accepting person than what I was in the beginning of junior year. In September I would never do anything that could possibly scar my life, involve risks of some sort, or could possibly be a regrettable decision. I didn’t like the way I was and therefore tried to prevent myself from doing anything further to hate myself, if you get what I mean. Now however, I am more accepting of who I am. I realized that I am ultimately not going to change the person I am, only develop, so there’s no need to slouch in my own pity and hide from the changes that will eventually come.
Although I thought this blog would be about my fear of change, I realized that because I have grown and altered as a person, I am actually opening the door to change. I want to experience life to the fullest no matter how crappy it might get because I realized this is the only way to find out who I am and where I belong. If I don’t allow change to creep into my life, I’ll never know.
-->eww that was really long
Molly:
"But once you think about it, making the wrong decision sucks. And it could change your life. How scary is that, one ‘yes’ or one ‘no’ can change your life."
I know what you mean. I think about this all the time. After I make a choice when I act in the moment, and it turns out badly, I always find myself thinking of the right thing to have done AFTER. I hate that. The thought that one yes or no could change my life is crazy and so true. However, part of me thinks that if I didn't act the way I do sometimes, meaning without thinking, then I would have missed out on lots of things and experiences. Ahh, I guess it's a win/lose situation.
Linds:
"I never make a choice without going through the million consequences going through my head."
-I used to be this way all the time, and I still am a little bit. I think too much for my own good most of the time. It's a tough transition, change and all, but I know that you can overcome it. I think I'll let you live a day in my mind you would see that high school and all the hustle and bustle within it becomes something very comical. It can be the cure to many problems;)
love you linds <3
There are so many questions to consider! Phew.
Of course this question would be posted after having a full and complete mental breakdown last night specifically about change. So this should be fun.
First of all, I already made a little comment on someone else's blog. There was something that was really chilling. Yes, I have lost friends that were really close to me at one time, and it kills me. But, then again, I wonder, why? Did I change? I feel like I've been the same goofball kid my whole life, including high school. I didn't change to appease people, and certainly not to become more "popular" (because I'm obviously not ha ha), so I don't know why I'm not friends with people who were once so dear to me. Maybe I did change and am in denial. Maybe the other people changed. It kills me and I think about this all the time.
ANYway...
Change is a double edged sword. On one hand, I embrace it. Change is the beacon of glowing hope that, right now, is just on the horizon. Change is the opportunity to CHANGE, to say the least. It is the opportunity to twist a current mundane situation into endless possibilities down exciting roads. It is the opportunity to meet new people, to grow, and perhaps change some faults in oneself. Personally, I wish that change will bring me happiness and the discovery of my passion in life. Because at my current state, I don't have the tools or experiences to find out who I really am. The change of situation, of landscape, of people, of problems, will bring me that.
On the other hand...
Lord God. The small hopeful part that change brings goes hand in hand with the large, bottomless unknown. Honestly, it scares the crap out of me. I hate not knowing what my future holds. I don't know if I'll be successful or not. As the idea of change excites me, it makes me realize that I will be thrown into the world, out of my comfort zone, away from the only life I have known. Change means stressful decision-making, probable rejections, and the feeling of hopeless desperation.
As for decision-making, I try to make the right choice. I've been brought up to do the right thing my whole life, and don't have much desire for rebellion in me. Of course, I've made dumb choices plenty of times in the past, because EVERYONE does. I've blown off studying, I've blown off homework, I've lied, etc. But I have a weird way of trying to make up for it. I don't know-- when I do something that I know is wrong, I get a sick feeling in my stomach and sweat a lot. Ha ha. No exaggeration at all. I hope making good decisions will help for the gloom and doom of change that is a foreboding of my future. Although I'm not opposed to some healthy rebellion every now and then. No one is perfect and sometimes it feels good to let go.
Phew.
Carly.
I hear ya.
This year sucks on multiple levels.
And guess what?
I want to play softball in college, too.
Except I haven't visited any or wrote any letters to colleges. So I'm way behind the eight ball on that, too.
I miss Mullica. Everything was simpler.
Meg, we really are on the same page all of the time! Thank you very much girl :]
and to Carly, we get along cause we have that same think through too much mind set.
And Morgan thanks :] even though in gym and pre calc i totally torture you ! in a almost good way.
I'm so pissed. I responded to someone's post and I x'ed out. ugh. I don't feel like retyping everything so, Hilary:
"I want to play softball in college, too.
Except I haven't visited any or wrote any letters to colleges. So I'm way behind the eight ball on that, too.
I miss Mullica. Everything was simpler."
Hil, I'm on the sameee boat as you right now. I know the colleges that I'm planning on applying to, but have yet to contact the softball coaches and of course haven't visited them yet because they're half-way across the country. I hate thinking about college and my future because I'm just so stuck in the past. I always talk to Sarah and Amy about those good ol' days in Mullica. Then we get on the subject of how much everyone has changed. I won't deny it, sometimes I get so upset thinking about all the friends I used to have and memories we shared, but to some people they were completely meaningless. It bothers me like hell because those were seriously the best years of my life and there hasn't been a single day in my whole high school time so far that I've ever been even close to as happy as I'd ever been in Mullica. Wow.. now that I'm in this depressed mood, it's time to go through my closet and look at all my saved memories.
I never fully accepted the notion of “bad” and “good” change. To keep it simple, there’s never completely good change, or completely bad change. I have this strange belief that they eventually end up canceling each other out anyway.
People throw around “everything happens for a reason” when convenient. Something bad happens, and they mindlessly mutter it. But on the other hand, all good things happen for a reason as well, but few people say it after that. Change is a fluctuation; it cycles through in a circle. Anything good happens, something bad comes right after. The converse is true as well. So by definition, so called “good” change to me is the happy medium.
As I like to do time and time again, I’m going to give an example using politics (come on, it’s not that bad).
A conservative friend of mine recently told me all liberals are hell bent on change.
That’s a very skewed definition.
I for one, am not sexually attracted to change. I don’t have some sick fetish for it. I just happen to realize change is not a possibility, but a definite reality. And instead of shying away from it and acting like it doesn’t exist, I usually accept it, as long as it fits my moral compass. I don’t yearn or loathe for it, I just sort of accept it. If it comes, it comes. If it doesn’t, well that’s fine.
That isn’t to say I like the status quo. If anything goes against my moral compass, I’ll work on fixing the issue until my magnetic needle stops spinning around. Change is a necessity. Opinions and outlooks change, and you have to adapt to it as such. However, as long as you apply your morals to it, you shouldn’t have a problem.
I know I’ll never be able to be happy in high school, or reach my full potential. A part of me wants to believe college will make things different, but I doubt it. I’ll still feel bored, disgusted, and unaccepted with the environment. So to me, college is to me like America was to the new immigrants (SAT analogies biatch). I hold out hope for something extraordinarily better, but I don’t know if I necessarily believe it.
People say I’m a calm person. I really think the only thing I do different is not getting overly emotional when change comes. It’s a fact of life. Get over it/ be happy, and move on. Move in to the unknown with your chin up, but don’t even think of flinching.
My decision making process is rather simple;
1) Figure out my two possible options.
2) Weight each option against my moral compass.
3) Take about 10 seconds, and figure out the best course of action.
4) Reap results, or get screwed over. Unlike most people (especially women), I don’t tend to dwell on potential decisions. I know people that put 4 weeks into a simple problem that requires maybe 10 seconds to fully think through. I’m not rash, I’m just rational. For the most part, my analysis and decision making don’t really screw me over enormously, so that’s a plus. I don’t need to spend an hour figuring out which purse looks better. Well, mainly because I don’t carry around purses. I personally find that the longer you spend on a decision, the more regret you’ll end up having later on.
However, if there’s a really hard decision to make, I consult my “mental importance gauge”. This may sound sort of strange, but I’ll consult my brain (am I my brain? What exactly am I? Separate entity? Man, that’s weird as hell), and ask for a number from 0 to 100 on exactly how I feel about something. I find that my brain makes an excellent assessment of a situation, and it’s usually the uncovered truth.
That probably makes no sense whatsoever. That’s what happens when you try to explain things like this… But let me provide an example.
Say I’m split with a decision of whether to eat at Taco Bell, or to get Chinese food. Let’s face it, there’s never going to be a time when you fully want something equally. You’re going to have to want one thing more than the other, you just don’t want to make yourself believe it. It’s a natural reaction in the decision making process. In order to bypass this problem, I’ll consult my “Mental Importance Gauge.”How bad do I want Chinese food? 70 percent out of a hundred. Taco Bell? 52 percent out of a hundred. And I am dead serious, it’s an actual numerical number, and once it comes to mind, it’s impossible to change. It's a set number, the number my mind first jumps to.
That probably still didn’t make sense. Well, its purpose is to help me figure out what I want exactly, after shedding all the biases and peer pressure. I use it to tune into what I really want, deep inside. I feel like most of us know what we want, but for one reason or another, we don’t want to accept that fact. The fear of regret numbs us.
Ugh, this is ridiculous. I'm done.
Ivan; To bog yourself down with illogical fears, or possible failure, you’ve already lost. Keep moving forward. Don’t let petty things chain you back. You’ll make both right choices and wrong choices throughout your life, no matter how much thought you put in. Yes, I give in to these illogical fears at times. Yes, I fear possible failure at times. But to waste my time by over thinking it, to stop because of these things, that, I’ll fight no matter what trepidation I feel as I step forward. Pretty much what I wanted to get across, but said about 50 times more eloquently. Loved it.
Change? I can’t wait. I’ve been stuck in the same small, stale plot of woods for the last 17 years. I’ll grant that I still find new wonders in it on a daily basis, but no more than I would in other land of the same square footage. I couldn’t spend my life here, stagnating, turning grey before I’m twenty! I need to find somewhere new, with new friends and ideas I’ve never heard before.
I can’t stay here much longer. It’s not that I really dislike Jersey; parts of it are quite beautiful. But there’s so much I could be seeing, so many other things I could be doing! If you surround yourself with the same people all your life, you never get to see other views. If you live in the same place, you just take on the color of the walls. I’m not saying that I’ll abandon my old friends, my old home, my old ways of thought. But I’m only 17! This isn’t the time to be locked in one room, one state, one religion, one anything!
See, I’ve lived both within the walls of my house and the pages of a book. I’m used to changing locations with the turn of a page. I can’t keep re-reading the same story, or the same scene.
Choices… I won’t say that I fear them. I’ve learned that most things I do either have 1.) an immediate effect, good or bad, that leaves no more mark than a mild electric shock, or 2.) a long-term effect which is gradually absorbed into the routine. If other people are depending on my choice, I’ll choose the best (and usually the most obvious) option. I want it out of the way. If I’m allowed to ruminate on a decision, I’ll pick it to threads, and lose sight of what I was actually trying to accomplish. I have an annoying tendency to micromanage, thanks to my mother, and it not only keeps me from doing anything useful, but makes work difficult for anyone I’m interacting with. Given a month to make a choice, and I seem dull and incompetent.
But give me ten seconds to choose, and my sight is perfectly clear. Even if I didn’t pick the easiest or most productive option, I’ll be able to turn it into something useful. Sadly, most of my choices are entirely random. I’m the only one who will ever feel the effects, the only one who has to deal with the extra work generated by a silly decision. I don’t want to have to choose both the materials and the end product. If I’m given infinite liberty, I know I’ll do nothing.
So put me in a hypothetical world of everything, all materials the earth has ever contained, all possibilities it will ever hold. I will promptly grab the shiniest object I can find, and put it in my pocket, then find something that looks remotely like yarn, and make a granny square. That done, I’ll gaze, amazed, at a vase of peacock feathers. And, once that loses its novelty, I will pull out an old typewriter, and write a poem on the subject. If one of the piles tumbles over because of my prying, I’ve only found something new to look at.
Meg Song-
I read your blog for the tenth time and i realized how similar we are. The whole moving furniture story, i cried when i was little because they took my canopy away. It was a disaster in my eyes! I notice the same thing fear and anxious presents this negative connotation about change. Also, the whole loosing someone you love, you hit the nail on the head for me, epically since i skated around that issue in my own blog. Plus love the Grey's Anatomy quote, I'm pretty sure i even remember the episode.
Change = BAD. Well, at least for me it is. I can’t stand it. Even the little changes from Hess to Davies bothered me. No more recess. No more field day. No more spiral staircases to secretly slide down. No more pool. No more Mrs. Hudson. Really, I could make this list go on and on forever. But wait! It only got worst from there, when the Davies that I once knew and loved transformed into a giant colossus of a school filled with new never ending hallways and rooms filled with brand new teachers.
I can hate change as much as I want, but that isn’t going to make it stop occurring. Change is inevitable, unfortunately. And, It just so happens that the one of the biggest changes that I will go through in my life is happening in about a year. It is so crazy, because I feel like it was yesterday that I pulled up in the Oakcrest parking lot in the middle of the hot summer for my freshman year of soccer. What also scares me is my memory of the upperclassmen when I was a freshman. They were so inspirational, so full of heart and drive. And then I think, ‘am I doing that for these freshmen?’ I feel like I could never fill their shoes. Yet, I want those underclassmen to feel the same guidance and drive, so they can do the same when it is their senior and junior years. That change from an underclassmen one day to an upperclassmen another, has the same feeling to me as a birthday. You wake up and think, ‘Well this is it. I’m 17. Feels the same. Look the same.’ But really it isn’t at all, until you look at what you have evolved into. Kind of like pokemon. =) Time is moving so quickly nowadays. I remember when Summer vacation felt like a year and during school I would gaze at the clock for an eternity.
Yet, there is a part deep inside that wants to getaway, and start all over. Kindergarden part dos. I want the freedom to drive and go wherever I please. I want to chose to be different. But that is deep down inside. Like the journey to the center of the earth deeep down inside.
Choice is the devil. There are so many options for every single thing that you do. Me? I’m the kind of person that gets the same thing for lunch every day. A bagel and a Snapple. I don’t need to gaze at all of the chips and cookies. Just keep it basic. Maybe once in a while I will have something different, but that is only due to the influence of others. Say everybody is going up in line to get pizza one day, well then I’ll get pizza. Not necessarily because I want pizza or that I need to follow them. I like to think ‘Why not?’
Another type of change that we all experience that is hand in hand with choice is when we trudge down to the Guidance Office, usually during study hall or something remotely fun, and right on the spot, you have to pick your schedule for next year. Change by choice. My two favorite things. How am I going to know what I am going to want to do next year? I don’t even know what I want to do the next day. By the time next year comes, I could be a completely different person. Luckily, I have Ms. Cav, so she at least has some idea of what is good for me. I must be difficult for her, because every time that I am in there, the other students know exactly what they want to do, or at least a direction to go. Right now I am a broken compus, spinning in circles and pointing in every direction possible. I want to be a orthodontist. I want to be a math teacher. I want to be a lawyer. I want to be a guidance counciler. I want to be a…. It goes on and on. So what now? There are too many choices, too many options.
Matt W: Would it really be so bad, ending up as a clerk, or working behind the counter at McDonalds? It's an easy pattern to fall in to. And if you get bored, you still have the choice of leaving.
Alice: there's a reason why I never play chess. You need to think for yourself and your opponent at once, tie yourself up in mental knots, and for what? At the end of the game, the pieces are all swept into the same box, with no place of honor for the victor.
Myra: Thank you for ignoring the box! My brother and I used to play D&D games, and I'd drive him crazy whenever he was the DM. I simply had no interest in killing hobgoblins. I would go off to another area, do something entirely different... and usually get killed off because Eddie hadn't thought up a better option.
Ivan!!
'Let us begin with a scenario. I am torn. I have a copious amount of homework due tomorrow. On my desk, lies a DS. Do I play it? The answer is hell yes! If you expected anything else, you obviously don’t know me well enough. But as I pick it up, a sudden feeling of doubt pops up. Do I really want to play the game that’s in the DS already? Or should I play something else, like Pokémon Platinum, orElite Beat Agents? Perhaps our forefathers have been stumped by the very same question."
I go through the same exact thought process, and it usually turns out for the worst....But my mom took my gameboy awayso that is no longer a problem for me.
College in California appeals to me for many reasons. It has sunshine, the major and industry (fashion) i want to be part of, plus family within close range. California is like a mythical destination to my self where summer blends with winter and people are concerned when you walk down the streets frowning. In New Jersey the winters cause serious SADs and people ignore and leave you to your own unhappy ways. Having a natural shade of in-you-face-beach-blonde hair (by in-you-face- I'm referring to the amount of times I'm simply known as "Blondie" and how some people never bother to discover qualities besides my hair color) with a love for all things beaches, sushi, and sun, while living in a region currently dominated by winter, pizza parlors, and brunettes(nothing against the brunettes) I feel like I don't fit in with New Jersey. The times I'm truly glad to live in Jersey is when I'm sitting on a beach blanket or dipping my toes in the ocean. Due to the seasons I can only experience these joys in limited fashions. Some of the best memories from my childhood take place at the shore. Around my friends, who I've known for ten years, I feel like an outsider. They all want similar careers and have similar life goals. They even have the same hobbies and interest. I'm the only one out of my friends who has an interest and is seriously considering an art school. I'm the one who runs for Historian, I'm the one who does the drawing portion of the project, I'm the one who enjoys dressing like a nut during spirit weeks. Does this make me the creative one of the bunch or do I just not belong? I love my friends, but I feel like I'm missing out on something. I have yet to find someone who reads magazines as religiously as I do or who has similar ideals as me. Based on the schools in California I'll feel like I'll finally find my pack. They have the fashion majors I want and the atmosphere and resources that I need to succeed. If I go to the West Coast I believe I'll make it in my dream career and have my dream life. Be my dream self. My parents have told me that I can go to school in NYC or Philadelphia to study fashion, but these schools are so close to New Jersey that I feel I might encounter people too similar to the ones I know now, which wouldn't help my search or future, in the sense that I'd be living the same life I lived in high school, spending the day day-dreaming, staring out windows, and waiting for my life to start.
I'm calculating and i know it. I never make move without first weighing the outcomes possibilities and results, and getting an understanding of my surroundings. Wether it be when to get up in class and sharpen my pencil or the moment to approach that cutie. I look for obstacles and short cut. I think of possible results, and how I would handle those results. I took an online IQ test once (don't laugh, i was curious) and while my iq was slightly above average,which is nothing to sneeze to at, and nowhere near genius proportion, my eq was extremely high. EQ is a persons emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence deals with social aspects, like feelings, emotions and the ability to interpret these actions in everyday society. People with high EQ's understand body language, they can judge the temperament and mood of a room within seconds of entering.
People with high EQ's always know what to do and how to do it. This is due to their incredible self control and awareness. I have a natural sense of when to speak up and when to shut up. I can tell wether someone wants to talk, just by how they are sitting in their chair. I can connect the dots pretty quickly, which has helped me avoid some awkward social situations. I know what subjects are always (ALWAYS) good to bring up around people and what subjects to never (NEVER) bring up in front of others. Like certain people, political issues, ex-ex-ex-boyfriends, etc... When making decisions, I rely on my surroundings. What I've interpreted in the last few minutes and my life is what I use to make a decision. Part of this behavior comes naturally, but when I initiate it, I think it because I want acceptance, to avoid embarrassment, and feel at peace. When I'm in a situation, and I know what's happening, I'm at peace. I like surprises, as long as they are good. Bad surprises stress me out. It isn't until Im on two feet again that I'm relaxed. When confronted with a yes or no choice, I go with my gut. What I sense will benefit me, is the choice I make.
Carly------
"Then I became and upperclassman, a junior, and it all went downhill."Agree. 100%. I don't know if you remember this but in sixth grade one of the teachers had every kid in the grade write down their goals for the next 5, 10, and 20 years and seal it in an envelope. Well when I got mine back at the end of eighth grade I thought by the end of high school I'd be on the honor roll with varsity letters and colleges knocking down my door. Forward to today where I do not have that A+ average, or any letters, (infact I ended up quitting on of the sports I said I wanted to play in college). I thought when I stood on the stage at graduation that high school was going to be this perfect fairy tale. High school isn't all it's cracked up to be =\
I go to sleep every night thinking about what the next day will bring. My mind goes through a series of thoughts that conflict with getting any shut-eye for at least an hour after lying down. I try to think about nothing. Literally nothing. I try to picture a blank slate in my mind to black out all the cluttered thoughts up in there. If that doesn’t work, I tell myself that the next day, the next week, the next month and even year will go on like it always has. This is the only way I can put my head on my pillow and fall asleep. I think myself to sleep every night. I never realized how much the idea of change stresses me out until this year. But on the other hand, I’m a very curious person and am anxious for a new setting.
Until probably halfway through this year, I rarely thought about how things would be my senior year and beyond. For the longest time, I successfully fooled myself into believing that nothing would change. Now, it’s hitting me like a ton of calculus books. Every day I see people in the halls that I know won’t be there next year. I know that after this year, my surroundings won’t include some people that have been in my life for so long now. I can’t pretend that change isn’t around the corner any longer. It’s too close to the end of the year. It’s too close to summer and the beginning of next year to think otherwise. What frightens me the most is that I don’t know if I will all be alright in the end. If someone were to come up to me and tell me, “Tarah, don’t worry so much. Things will all work out for you by the time they need to,” I would sit back and enjoy the ride more. But as for now, without my magic psychic friend, I’m left to worry and stress about the “what if’s..” What if I don’t pick the right major? What if I don’t meet amazing people that can support me while I’m away from all that I know and love? What if I don’t like the college I picked after all? What if I starve to death because I didn’t pay good enough attention to my mom when she was cooking dinner? What if I’m lonely? What if nothing turns out like I thought it would? All these thoughts cross my mind continuously. What stresses me out even more is that I know these thoughts won’t subside until I’ve graduated, married, and have started a career. I could go crazy if I didn’t stop myself from all the thinking. I might think myself to death. I can’t even verbalize all the things that are going on in my head right now. It’s very frustrating to just wait and hope I’ve taken all the steps necessary.
On the happier side, there is a fifty-fifty chance that all my fearing will have been for nothing. I could love where I end up and love my life. I could wake up every day and be thankful for whatever gave me that extra push in one direction over another. I hope that I will be able to find myself in college. I want to find a passion. I want to be able to pick the classes I want to take and be interested in every one of them. I want to love to learn. I feel that college could possibly be an amazing experience. Everyone says it was the best time of their life, and I truly hope that later in life when someone asks me about my college life, I can be part of this statistic.
The drive from Mullica to Mays Landing or to Hammonton is getting very boring. I could probably drive to each blind folded. I can’t wait to see new sights and experience new things. This is the thought I calm myself down with whenever I start thinking about the negatives. I will be able to make my own decisions, earn my own living, and continue the next chapter of my life. I can get away from the cold and find a completely different environment if I so choose. It’s all up to me. That thought is scary, yet awesome. I will be able to see if I can trust myself to make the right decisions. That’s what it all comes down to.
Decisions. I can’t make any most of the time. I often stand in silence when asked to make a choice. I must be a very frustrating person to deal with. I can sit and contemplate consequences for hours if given time. Whenever I make a decision, I try my best to look into the future and see if I can live with the effects of each side. To me, that’s the best rational I have come across. If tomorrow I can’t live with myself after an action I made, I obviously made the wrong choice and can learn from my mistake. When it all comes down to it, I’m responsible for me. I’m responsible for my actions and my choices. Being on my own in college will give me plenty of opportunity to make choices for myself. My parents won’t be there to take the blame for my screw ups, but I sure will be. Starting in about a year, it will be time to grow up. I can and can not wait.
Change is a frightening thing. I'm not gonna lie. But, it's gotta happen. People who don't change don't see or survive. And since I've no interest in being blind, dead, or a zombie that can rely on its hearing just as much as sight to eat your squishy brains in the dark, it's gotta happen. I may be able to pinpoint your location via zombie sonar, but my aim's still better with eyes. So, I change. A bit.
But it's not so much me changing as me being changed. I go with the flow. I'm easily entertained, pleased, and annoyed. But they all pass just as quickly, hence my changes being a bit more... fluid. I'll change just enough to survive. I revel in change, but only big ones. I'm not so much as afraid of failure. If I did I wouldn't have been playing the same song in EBA for over three hours a day for the past three days. Andstillhaven'tbeatenitBUTANYWAY! I don't fear failure or pain, so much as wasted time. When I make a change, and it relapses, it's wasted time. Failure may be a prelude to that, but if said failure changes something of itself, it's good, meaning that just in case failure leads to good, I can't be afraid. Every hypothetical change is welcomed by this line of thinking, excepting a few. These are the changes that change everything. Those are nigh impossible to be wasted, as it's nigh impossible to relapse. College being one of the few. I liken it to being a fish, happily swimming downstream, playing in the eddies, eating a bug here and there. Then, suddenly, you're thrown over a waterfall and sprout wings. Is it comfortable? No. You're figuratively floundering without being able to literally flounder, but eventually figure out how to fly and it's smooth sailing from there on out. Those changes I embrace, both for the experience and for the new outlook. The changes while swimming, you're still always either going downstream or dead. So, wasted time being what it is, I judge the small changes very carefully, but using an extremely simple scale.
As for how I pick my poison, I weigh each and every choice and change by a very simple, and very accurate scale. It has very rarely steered me wrong. When I'm contemplating anything, anything at all, I ask myself one question. “Will this make me happier?” If the answer is yes, my path is obvious. If no, just as much so. And if weighing two, the question becomes which will make me happier. That may take a bit more deliberation, but once I decide something, that's it come hell or high water. And if I was right and I am happier because of it, awesome. And if I was wrong, hakuna matata. I realized this awhile ago. Ain't no amount of bitching and moaning and crying gonna change the fact of a bad choice. So if I happen to make one, I mark it off as bad, and move on to the next, hoping for a better outcome. A simple system, but a good one, and I've got no regrets. I could waste time wondering why some failed, but that's time I could be using to fail at EBA.
@Ivan: “Though I do feel trepidation when facing change, more at some times than others, I’m interested at the end result. What will I see? What will happen? What videogames can I bring?”
Amen brother. Exactly my idea, and it reinforces us being the same person. It's not so much the change itself that matters. It's what comes of it. Not sure if you have the same fear or definition of wasted time, but I agree with you on that much at least. Trepidation or outright fear can be ignored if the endgame is good enough. And for the record, you can bring as many as you can fit in a backpack if the trip is worth anything.
"Me? I’m the kind of person that gets the same thing for lunch every day. A bagel and a Snapple. I don’t need to gaze at all of the chips and cookies. Just keep it basic. Maybe once in a while I will have something different, but that is only due to the influence of others. Say everybody is going up in line to get pizza one day, well then I’ll get pizza. Not necessarily because I want pizza or that I need to follow them. I like to think ‘Why not?’"
Brittt
I am proud to be one of these influential pizza getters. I know your routeen because i sit with you every day. Next year, who knows if we will be in the same lunch! That scares me. Change is the devil. I wish it was back in Mullica when the entire grade had lunch together in the same room. And the grade under fit in there, too :] But after next year, who knows who we will be eating lunch with! Some person from Michigan or Hawaii or some other far away land. I'm getting nervous just thinking about it..
I would not say that I am a restless soul who yearns for change. I am also not someone who always embraces change. I only accept change if it is on my own terms. My problem with change is that it can be unexspected. I can’t handle it when life throws me a curve ball. There is no doubt about it as stated in the post that what scares me most about change is the unknown. When I think of the changes that I will undergo to adventure into college the most appealing part for me is a fresh start. I fear leaving my family but the light at the end of the tunnel is a clean slate. I see endless possibilities for myself despite what some others may think. There are many things that I didn’t quite do in high school that I can not wait to do in college. The one thing that I most regret about my high school experience would be that I was not more involved. I want to stop shying behind others and step up to interact with everyone. I’m not exactly quiet but I look to others before deciding for myself. In many situations I make my decisions on what my friends decide or think. I have a freaking backbone it is just that I feel like these people that I have grown up around have their minds set. If I do something out of the ordinary how will they react?
It is the decision part that makes a change and then an unknown outcome. Trust me I have no problem with change as long as I know the outcome. It has never been the change that I have feared rather the consequences of the change. I can not stress enough how I never want to live with regrets. I said how I now have regret with not being involved in high school but that will no longer bother me if I learn from this experience and change that in college. The best part of an important lesson is to take something from it. If I can take one thing from my mistake then I will no longer live with regret. At the end of my life I don’t want to have any second guesses.
In the past I have always weighed my options and thought about the outcomes of my decisions. It has become more recent that I try to dive in and hope the water isn’t too cold. It depends on the situation and how I am feeling. Sometimes you just have that gut feeling when you know something will go wrong and I try to always listen to my gut. When I jump into things head first which is strange for me, most of the times it is because I do it to fit it. I am already aware of how stupid and cowardly that is. On a rare occasion I jump into things for the hell of it because you only live once or because I really don’t care anymore. However, I usually weigh my options because of my conscience. I have a really guilty conscience I mean I can not tell a lie for peanuts. I find myself contemplating how nice it would be to just live for once and then I think about the outcomes of my actions which brings me back to earth. Whether I am doing what others decide or going along with the plan the most important thing for me to overcome is not caring about what others think. It takes time and who knows if anyone can truly feel as though they don’t care about what anyone thinks. My goal is to not let so many people affect how I feel.
Jenn------------
“I hate death and replacements.”
Death freaks me out too. It is just another one of the changes with an outcome that I am not definite about that makes it the worst.
“Things will be out of control—out of my control.”
I fell the same exact way Jen. I tend to be a control freak and while I have gotten better the outcome of some changes are out of my control. Thanks for giving me this realization! I always knew that things will be out of my control I just never said it to myself. I think that if I just understand that how others feel about me is out my control then I would not care as much.
Bunje:
Oooohhhhhh...I guess I used it wrong then. Haha =) Hey, I can be angry if I wanna!! Although, I am usually very quiet rather than tirading around. =)
Linds:
Ha girl I love you!<3
P.S. - Yeah the loved ones thing, I had a feeling you could relate with me. Blehh. I say we go clubbing to get over it. =)
Dan:
I just realized that I forgot to mention what I do if I make a bad choice, which suffice to say, is about the same as yours. Though this time, it's less same-person-ness, and more common sense, which isn't all that common. Or at times, sensible.
Originally I was psyched at the prospect of this blog. Inspiring new thoughts flitted and darted through my mind of all that I could achieve, all that I can dream that may become reality. And it’s funny because what I found behind the thoughts was that my biggest dreams are what mask my biggest fears. But I guess we all find a way to do that. Trying to complete or cover up our own shortcomings by latching onto the superficial. It’s like trying to make cookie batter with Splenda. Fuck that.
I’m convinced or actually I was convinced that I was a person who could just go. You know, just pick up and leave everything else behind for something new. And in reality I know that I can be that person, I want to be that person. I know that I could leave this chair, this desk and this house right now with nothing but a hoodie, jeans and converses and be absolutely fine wherever I end up. Traveling place to place while making a living off of odd jobs and sleeping on park benches. I could handle that, I could love that. I like to think of it as a cross between a hippie and a traveling salesmen.
And that is such an amazing concept. It’s something I comfort myself with when I’m worried about school or college, because at the end of the day I know I’ve got something more than this. Oh and it is so much more! I can only describe this self sufficient existence of exploration and learning as beautiful. It’s just beautiful. And the beauty is that every day is a change. The beauty is in the spontaneous relationship that is a lone fish adeptly making its way against a current. Think of all that you could see in this country alone by just traveling day to day across the country with no liabilities. The problem though is people cannot take such drastic a change. The problem is that there are liabilities. My problem is family.
What I want from this change in my life is to really see how far I can go for my morals. But it’s ridiculous because when I consider venturing into the unknown frontier the only thing holding me back is concern for my family. Worrying that my PopPop will die before I come back, worrying that I’ll miss my little sister growing up. Losing my friends and losing my spot in their lives. Then this made me think that humans are not meant to be in families forever, it’s straight up insane if you think about it. We’ve become a society based around schedules and repetition. I can’t comprehend the thought of eventually supporting a family and going day in and day out to the same job everyday in the same way. You’ll do that for 40 years. 40 FREAKING YEARS!!!!! So much can be done in that time and you want to waste it behind a desk?!
There was a song that came out a few years ago called feel good inc. by the Gorillaz. It was an awesome song that followed the group’s vendetta against false icons. It told the story of a band who had been born with dream and aspirations but had been blinded by corruption and the droll repetition of the mass media to eventually be locked up in the feel good tower. A tower that they unintentionally created as they slowly accepted the waves of the masses. The band woke up from their stupor briefly and tried to escape but eventually gave into the media again and rocked themselves back to sleep chanting “feel good, feel good, feel good”. The beautiful part about the song was in contrast to the dark feel good tower filled with drugs, sex and crappy music was the windmill island that floated above the tower, free to play its own music. But sadly the towers original music threatened to break the Inc. so it shot it down and killed the little girl piloting it…
This song was ranked number 2# in the U.S. for 8 weeks. And…nothing changed. The tower is already locked up for these people and this country. They went on living their lives in blatant ignorance of the true meaning of a song that they downloaded onto their iPods and mp3 players. It seems to me as though change is too much to hope for at this time. It was at one time a physical idea capable of being achieved, but the heat of an industrialized society evaporated its tangible form into mere wisps of its past greatness that slip out of the fingers of those reaching for it. The tower has been shot down and I seem to be looking for salvation within its burning remnants.
Everyone has a windmill island. A floating paradise where they play their own music amidst the clouds with the accompaniment of acoustic guitars and chirping birds. However the island disappears when outside factors are present, or more accurately can only exist for you when you are true to yourself and not living a life that you did not want. I do not believe that people intentionally make choices that slowly stack bricks into the tower around them. It is a process that is clandestine and surreptitious. Now my original belief was that our daily choices subconsciously guide us to our windmill islands, but these choices become skewed by outside pressure and make us choose what we think will make us feel good, feel good, feel good.
But with pride I can say that I never think before I act. =] and there are an infinite amount of logistical problems with that mindset but I think it saves me from one thing, outside influence. My daily actions are all entirely impulse based with no prior thought given. Obviously this often screws me over with my relationship skills but never the less I’ll stick to it. Hopefully when I am making these choices they are the ones most true to myself. That’s what I am aiming for anyway. But who really knows? For all that I say and do, the tower could already be closed up about me. You’ll never really know if you’ve woken up or no because there can be endless layers encompassing your life. Right now though when I make my decisions they are what naturally comes to be and I roll with whatever punches may result from those decisions.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01C4RPEinM4 this is probably one of the most important things I’ve seen in my life.
In response to Janiru:
Oh Janiru I can never decide if I’m attracted to your Buddhist ideas or repelled by them. Every week it’s an ambivalent go with the flow idea that I seem to share or abhor. This week’s is no different, a mix of the two. I really like your idea of the inevitability of change. I mean that is simply the logical part. The most important part of the notion that I noticed though was how you emphasized not to build your life on responding to change but get ready to accept it. It’s an unstoppable force and you’ll have as much luck stopping it as you would trying to hold the rising tide still or stop Brenden from making awkward outbursts. Now on to my abhorrence part. Actually j/k because I really liked your, “I for one, am not sexually attracted to change”. Now for the abhorrence. You may not be able t sop change Mr. Roo but you can guide it. When the wave comes you have three choices. Most people see only two, trying to withstand it and get blown away by the torrential surf, or let it sweep you up and take you on its path. But the third option and perhaps the best of the three is to take that wave and ride it. Yes ultimately it will take you in its direction, but you can mold it, you can carve it and cut it and turn on it until you’ve made it your own. Just remember that you will always have that choice.
Well, where to start off with this one. Change....all I know is that I think that it's a very broad outlook on the word here. Change? In what type of situation? There seems to be so many. Politically, change is always good. Socially, yea. Emotionally, sometimes. The idea behind change usually can only help you in the grand retrospective, although some situations can be different. To say the least, that is my view on it.
Change can be a very scary thing, I think we all know. Just look at what happen last week with the blog. I don't think anyone was happy with the task. Was it because we had to do an assignment? Perhaps, but that's the case with every blog, even if they do go deeper than just “an assignment.” Was it because the task was vigorous? Maybe, but so is most of the other things with have to deal with. But when it comes down to it, the majority of us were saddened/pissed-off because it was different from the normal. We all have some kind of line we walk, a routine we maintain, and/or an outlook we follow. For some of us, we are more prompt to change that routine than others. For almost all of us, it is hard to change what we dearly feel (our outlook).
With that laid down before us, I believe change not only bears a sweet fruit for us to enjoy but I think it can do nothing but help us in the end. So what if your afraid to get out of a relationship? Who cares if you want to stop playing a sport? We shouldn't really be unwilling to act upon it. If you feel strongly about wanting to change, even if you are afraid too, you have to ignore that fear and just run with your soul. That would be my outlook on it. I don't think anything can really come wrong with change. I believe if you change, one of two tings will result. You may find out that change was for the best; your happier. You may also find change was for the worst; you may not be happier, but you'll learn something from your change. Then with that something you learned, you can make your life better. I really don't think you can go wrong with change. Why not break the routine? Why not change your future? Why fear it? In the grand retrospective of life, even if this is based completely off my opinion, life will turn out the best it can for you. Sometimes you need to get off the comfy chair to see the beauty that is outside, so don't be afraid to get up. Ha! Stupid expressions.
Now after preaching all that about change, I will sound nothing less than a hypocrite when I say that making choices stands as almost a whole other business. The day gives me a bunch of choice situations. When I make choices that I have to make on my feet, I like to think I do it well. I will react, go with my best shot, and just run with it. Even if it's not right, who cares. I did what I could. I do all i can to make those types of choices right, and I sort of pride myself on the fact I can do it relatively well (especially in sports :]).
Now, if you give me time to make the choice, I'm a dull blade. I can't make decisions with time, I just can't. I will take into consideration almost every possible outcome, especially the negative ones, before I do it. I just don't work well when I take time to consider how it may effect everyone and everything in the long run. The process in deciding what to choose not only burns-out my mind but usually leaves me confusing or saddening myself, for lack of better ethos words. First will think about what I want to happen with the choice. I think about how my choice might be the best frigging' one of all time. Then I think the exact opposite. I think, “Well, my choice could very well be wrong.” Then I start controversy with myself. I don't actually sit there and argue with myself, I'm not that crazy. I just think about how it may help and may hurt for a long time. With many of my decisions, I usually end up thinking/saying “I don't know” or “I have no idea what to do.” If it's a big enough decision, then I start asking other people I feel I can trust to help me. I like to get A LOT of peoples opinions in making my decisions, if I even draw myself to make them. Ask anyone who I even feel remotely trustworthy of; I drive them all nuts.
I have no doubt the hardest thing for me would be accepting the fact that I'm wrong about anything. It's not a matter of being egotistical and wanting to always be right just to be right. I just don't want to hurt anyone or anything, including myself, no matter how large the scale, in my choice. It is the hardest thing to do, and often I will make decisions after a long time (long time could mean a vat amount of time for any level of your decision making. For example, I may take a stupid amount of time debating with myself whether or not to get a chicken patty. Then again, food should be my best choices of the day, so I have to make it perfect.), or I don't make them at all. Some matters I just let others handle.
Let me just start by saying I despise Oakcrest for scheduling prom the weekend between our AP tests and the day before mother’s day/my mother’s birthday. But I digress.
Change, as we all know is a natural part of life. We change every day whether we realize it or not. Change makes the world go round and keeps us from losing our minds do to boredom. All of these reasons plus many more are all a part of why I welcome change with open arms and an open mind. I yearn for change because knowing it’s going to happen is what gets me out of bed every morning. And believe me, this is no easy task because I am quite the sleeper as anyone in my Spanish class or rather nap time can tell you. But again, I digress.
As of right now the biggest change I foresee in the near future is graduating from high school and going to college. This will easily be one of the biggest changes ever to occur in my life thus far. Also it will be potentially the most devastating depending on whether I sink or swim. Never the less I am anxiously awaiting my college days. For me college will be a time to finally live on my own. I will be living on my own money, making all my own decisions, and unfortunately I will be paying for it out my ass due to the increasingly high price of tuition.
Side note: I recently decided that when I turn 18 I’m getting a tattoo of a Campbell Soup can on my left arm.
As for my decision making methods I have two separate operations when it comes to making tough choices. The way I see it there are two kinds of choices to be made, ones that will change my life forever, and ones that won’t. When it comes to making decisions I have a fool-proof method thought up by scientists in a laboratory a long time ago. That’s right, I use eenie-meenie-miney-moe. This method is typically used in my every day for anything from deciding what’s for lunch to choosing what to wear to whether or not I skip Precalc and go to sleep in the band room. Again none of these are guaranteed to change my life drastically which is why I rely on a scientific method to decide for me. As for decisions that will obviously affect my life forever I tend to weigh my options. For example I have been trying to decide which colleges I wish to attend for the past year. Not a day goes by that I don’t contemplate the pros and cons of at least three colleges. Despite the agonizing overwhelming angst this brings into my everyday life I can’t help but constantly weigh various colleges in my mind over and over and over. And over. Considering the fact that choosing a college is probably one of the most life changing decisions I high schooler can make, next to whether or not to keep the baby, I am glad I started weighing my options a long time ago. I know this is life changing and I am treating it as so and as of right now Penn State is my number one choice, but I digress.
Matt C- “I’m convinced or actually I was convinced that I was a person who could just go. You know, just pick up and leave everything else behind for something new. And in reality I know that I can be that person, I want to be that person. I know that I could leave this chair, this desk and this house right now with nothing but a hoodie, jeans and converses and be absolutely fine wherever I end up. Traveling place to place while making a living off of odd jobs and sleeping on park benches. I could handle that, I could love that. I like to think of it as a cross between a hippie and a traveling salesmen.”
I pray that someday I get to live my life this way, even if just for a short period of time. I admire those who live day to day with no other worries but themselves. Hopefully I can find the time to do this after I graduate, hopefully.
‘Confront the backstabbing friend or let it go.’ That statement settled in my mind for a good couple of minutes. It made me reevaluate the way I look at choices. Friends, friends, friends! That’s all I seem to talk about in much of my writing, but only because I’ve recently found out how important certain people can be in your life. I won’t go into a huge relationship rant since my occasional paper covers most of that, but I will say that confronting the backstabbing friend statement pretty much covers it all. In a seemingly easy choice of ‘friend’ or ‘not friend’ scenario, for some reason the choice seems so impossible to make.
So this is what I do: reminisce in the idea of how great a friend she can be, look at my current situation, and then go back to reality where I have to realize the two don’t balance each other out. And yes, the process of making this decision appears to be very easy but don’t let me fool you, I am a very picky person. I will admit that what initially sparked my attention towards my lack of ‘choice making’ abilities have been in the process of getting my prom dress. I’ve been out looking three separate times and can’t find one stinking dress! And this problem goes beyond dresses. I can’t make a choice for my college, I can’t make a choice in my major, and most of all and can’t make a change in my friends. But in all of this I notice a pattern in the way my mind makes its decisions, or lack thereof. Whether it’s the color of a dress or the character of my friend I must analyze every single thing I like about the object I am considering. Does it make me happy, will it make me feel good, or will it make me look good? And if it does one of these three things, among many other scrutinized tests I put my objects into, is it the best for me. Will I be happiest or will I look my best? If you’re catching onto my though process, you would see that once all of the good is weighed out on these decisions, it is then followed by the bad. For example say I have a few friends, dresses, bagels or colleges that I consider best. Once I have considered the good, my pessimistic self always has to analyze ‘what makes this thing bad?’ Could it be their appearance, their phoniness, the way they feel? And yet, once I come to a conclusion with what I should eliminate, I then get very emotional and sentimental and begin to think of my future, but more specifically, what options I won’t be able to live without once I make a decision. And this is the part that usually gets me, because no matter how good something is or how bad it may be, I know that without that person, thing, or necessity I wouldn’t be able to look at life the same if I were without it. This usually brings me back to the beginning of my decision-making process, somehow inevitably leaving me with a decision unmade. So here I’m left with my best friend who is one of the best people I’ve known, who has accomplished doing some of the worst things to me, leaving me debating whether or not to move on without her in my life, and has of course given me a huge choice to make. This choice still unmade, and still festering in my mind, has given me the insight towards coming to yet another conclusion. All of this tossing back and forth from decision to decision has unveiled my deep fear of regret. You hit the nail on the head when you revealed that many of us fear ‘the possibility of making the wrong choice.’ I mean what if I do become friends with this person again and she screws me over? What if I pick a college and I end up miserable? What if I pick a dress and I look ugly? It’s not the fear of making a choice, but the fear that the choice isn’t the right one. When it comes down to it choices are based on doing the right thing. It’s not what makes you happy, skinny, or successful, it’s about doing the right thing. From here the only choice we have to make is whether the decision we make will be a regretful one.
Now for change! I can’t say that I completely shut out change but I can’t say that I fully accept it either. Coming to a close in our third year at the Oak I can’t help but have these nostalgic feelings bounce forth. Yes, I liked the little changes coming into high school; meeting new people, having a real boyfriend, being on a high school soccer team, etc. But as these little changes passed along one by one, there’s no hiding away from our biggest change yet: college. Talk about fears! Am I going to miss all of my Mays landing friends? Will I have any college friends? Will I survive college? These are all many things that come to my mind very often. And to be honest I hate them. I don’t know what I want to do with my life, where I’ll live when I get older, or what I will be doing when I’m 50 years old. All that I do know is that when I’m 50, all I will be thinking about is how I had it great in the good ole’ days when I was 17. This is why I’m trying to embrace all the youth I have left in me until I unknowingly start my path towards becoming an adult. Looking back, I used to always dream of growing up, literally counting down the days until I turned 18. I couldn’t wait to live away from my parents, do my own thing, and make my own rules. Now that this time is shortly approaching it seems as if I’m trying my hardest to stay close my parents and the little sheltered life they provide.
Going back and forth between gaps of time is one spot where I find my source of fear in change. The mere idea that in 10 years I’ll have my own job and house completely scares me for some reason. But then again, I guess this is where you could say my deepest fear in change comes from, growing up. Part of me feels that I should just embrace my life as it is today, make the best of it, and live an average girl life. The other half of me wants to change the world, travel, and have deeper understandings and skills. Above this, part of me feels that if I go towards one I’ll end up wanting the other. What is a girl to do? What comes to my mind from time to time is something I read in ‘Their Eyes Were Watching God.’(By the way this example might sound totally weird because of the syntax/diction, but its meaning stuck out to me.) Janie was predictably fighting with Jody and asked, “Who don’t love tuh laugh and play?’ And Jody replies, “…It’s a time fuh all things. But it’s awful tuh see so many people don’t want nothin’ but uh full belly and uh place to lay down and sleep afterwards. It makes me sad sometimes and then agin it makes me mad.” This part of the book really stood out to me in the idea that people can do whatever they want in life. They can make it through with a house, food, and family. But then again why would you settle for this when you can make so much more out of yourself in life? On the other hand it’s almost ironic, because although Jody was mayor of the town he was miserable compared to simple yet happy Janie. To answer your question of what I think will happen when change comes my way is the possibility that I might mess it up. Given such an opportunity as change, what happens if I change into the wrong person? I’m truly afraid that I won’t end up happy, and not being sure of where this ‘happy place’ will be in my future, I really don’t know how to change myself to get there. I know that life is what you make it, but I don’t want to start creating something if I don’t know it will turn out right.
Matt:It's funny, I'm not even a devout Buddhist, but I've been influenced for as long as I can remember, even before I was introduced to it formally. It's strange.
But anyways, I couldn't agree more. When I read the blog at first, I had so many ideas flowing through my head. Like you, I came to a realization, however, I don't think I even touched the surface of it. Shitty feeling.
I was actually going to take your route about shedding family, but it was sort of dissonant compared to the rest of the blog. Plus that was about 500 more words.
I loved your mentioning of "windmill islands." It sort of made me fear the possibility that everything we do leads us away from it. Like you said, we tend to go for things that makes us "feel good". But in doing so we drift off from our heavens. I don't quite know why that would be true, but it scares me. A lot of us do to please. That's obviously not the right way, but then again, what is? And by the way you describe it, it sounds hard as hell to find it.
And that feeling of... beauty? I guess that would be the best way to describe it. I think I share the same, though I think it comes with a sense of longing (can't wait to find out what that is), and fear (what if I never do)?
But really though, I loved your blog entirely. And yeah, you don't think. Remember our ghost riding incident? Idiot.Matt:
It's funny, I'm not even a devout Buddhist, but I've been influenced for as long as I can remember, even before I was introduced to it formally. It's strange.
But anyways, I couldn't agree more. When I read the blog at first, I had so many ideas flowing through my head. Like you, I came to a realization, however, I don't think I even touched the surface of it. Shitty feeling.
I was actually going to take your route about shedding family, but it was sort of dissonant compared to the rest of the blog. Plus that was about 500 more words.
I loved your mentioning of "windmill islands." It sort of made me fear the possibility that everything we do leads us away from it. Like you said, we tend to go for things that makes us "feel good". But in doing so we drift off from our heavens. I don't quite know why that would be true, but it scares me. A lot of us do to please. That's obviously not the right way, but then again, what is? And by the way you describe it, it sounds hard as hell to find it.
And that feeling of... beauty? I guess that would be the best way to describe it. I think I share the same, though I think it comes with a sense of longing (can't wait to find out what that is), and fear (what if I never do)?
But really though, I loved your blog entirely. And yeah, you don't think. Remember our ghost riding incident? Idiot.
Change
These two fundamental fears plague me constantly. Change and choices are inextricably intertwined with each other, creating a deadly double-hit that sets off fits of crying and helplessness. At times I am a very opinionated person, and this helps me. However these times are limited to when there are a select few number of choices. When confronted with a problem with two or three or five or six possible choices that I must decide from, I am generally okay. When problems with no correct answer wander across my path, I become confused and tend to either wander in circles or stop dead in my tracks. This information about myself just recently came to me, mostly when I contemplate the future – one of the scariest things out there. Questions like “What do you want to do?” and “Where do you want to go to college?” befuddle me. I know mostly what I do not want to know, and even with those, I have doubts… It is not that I don’t want things to change, though that may affect me, more that I fear the consequences of my own inadvertent blunder into the wrong place or to the wrong conclusion.
I am frightened by the consequences of change. I do not fear expansion – either of knowledge or as a person. Change is the precursor to all advancements in life. Without change the slaves wouldn’t have been freed. Without change the computer would not exist. These are extreme cases, but also the little things that matter would not be present in our lives without change. So, while I fear the consequences of leaving the nest and learning to fly I also yearn to soar above the crowds.
I have shied from making any definite decisions about my life thus far, hoping deep inside me that my decisions will be made for me – to lift all blame from my shoulders. Sadly this will not happen. I hope that the changes I will undergo and witness enable me to make better decisions that are best for me and my (eventual) family. These changes may change the world, they may not. It does not matter much to me. If my decisions are the ones that cure cancer – I’ll be ecstatic. If they simply deal with the mundane lives of everyday people – I’ll be content and happy. Either way my choices will yield a family that exists happily somewhere pleasant.
Choices
The process I go through when making a choice is not a conscious one. I very rarely consciously deliberate between two options – other than on multiple choice questions… but that’s a different story. More often I rely on a ‘gut’ feeling or just don’t actually think about what I’m doing. This may be because I have ADD. I have been listening to a new book on CD when I drive called ‘How We Decide’ and it has thus described the decision process as almost purely ruled by the dopamine neurons in the brain which is an intriguing subject, but I’ve yet to finish the book, so I cannot comment much further. Overall my decision making process belongs much in the emotional part of me, with some influence to the rational, logical thinker. I make choices this way partly because I feel that it is easier than deliberating carefully on each subject. Also the time that it takes is a factor – my ‘emotional’ brain works exponentially faster than my ‘logical’ brain. Standing around like an idiot is not a life goal – so often I just go with the flow of things. When alarm bells start to ring I then evaluate my behavior, often too late. This is a major point of disagreement internally, but I can’t quite seem to break the habit.
- Ali B
Leanor -
As Anonymous said, “Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same.”I have never heard this quote before, but I like it! I mirror your feelings on change in that I do not wish to change who I am inside. Thanks for sharing!
Bunje -
I think you would really enjoy 'How We Decide' if you have not yet read it.
Matt C- Wow your blog was so. good. Good is such a puny word, but i really enjoyed it. First off, I never knew the true meaning behind Feel Good Inc. I've just always enjoyed the song, so your explanation was very insightful. But i loved your idea about how "everybody has a windmill island" because I completely agree. I feel like everyone can achieve true happiness too, but let other factors guide them in the wrong direction.
Everyone has a windmill island. A floating paradise where they play their own music amidst the clouds with the accompaniment of acoustic guitars and chirping birds. However the island disappears when outside factors are present, or more accurately can only exist for you when you are true to yourself and not living a life that you did not want.
-Matt C
I agree with the fact that everyone has their own windmill island. It makes me wonder if people will ever get to live out their windmill island. I mean if each person has their own island in their heads; can any really live out their island with other people in real life if each person has their own ideas for the island? I only hope that I will one day live out my windmill island and inspire other people to come along.
I want everything to change, but yet, at the same time, I want everything to stay the same. There are moments when I want nothing more than to be done with Oakcrest, out of South Jersey and on my own. There are times when I feel like everything I'm doing is just a waste of time, times when I feel like none of my endeavors in school and sports have a purpose. These are the times when I wish only to have a fresh start, in a new environment, with a completely different set of people, culture, and lifestyle. I don't know how many times a day I find myself yearning to be free of the structure that has controlled my life for the past eleven years. I lose myself in dreams of my future, a fantasy where I am free from deadlines, free from rules, and free to live my life the way I want to. On the other hand, the future terrifies me. There are moments when Oakcrest is a great place, when I would rather be in South Jersey than in any other place in the world. There are times when I couldn't imagine leaving the place where I was raised, times when I feel privileged to be a part of various sports teams here. These are the times when I wish these years would never end, wishing that I could just freeze time and spend my life as a seventeen year-old, living with my family, enjoying time with my same friends, doing the same things we've always done together. I don't know how many times I find myself fearing my inevitable freedom from a structured life. I lose myself reminiscing about time wasted and memories made. I fear not knowing what I want to do, and making the wrong choice when I have no one to blame but myself. Change is a force that can scare the hell out of you or make you giddy with excitement, but no matter how you feel about it, change is going to happen. Embracing and accepting change is what allows us to grow as human beings.
Changing gears now, on to choices. Choices suck. Small choices are simple. If I have to choose between two things, the first thing I hear is what I'm sticking with. As in, "Do you want chocolate milk or --". I won't even let you finish what you're trying to say, give me that chocolate milk. Petty, inconsequential chooses are easy for me, as they should be. I don't really care about what I wear to school, or what I'm having for lunch (mainly because I will devour anything edible). But unfortunately, not all decisions can be so simple. When making choices that will have a slightly more serious effect on myself, or on other people, I do my best to think about the consequences it will have on them. I tend to overthink things, previewing every possible outcome in my head until, eventually, I end up not doing anything at all. This is probably the worst course of action I could take, as it sometimes leads to making a situation worse and prohibits me from taking risks. I like to think I do the right thing whenever I have the choice, but it isn't always easy. Making the right choice can often be the hardest choice. Doing the wrong thing can be easier, but is, in many ways, better than not taking action at all. Lately, we've been presented with choices about colleges, about careers, about life. The pressure on us to make decisions concerning these stressful questions will only increase as we end junior year and begin the final stage of our high school years. As I highly doubt that I will be able to make these decisions on my own, I am considering buying a Magic 8 Ball and giving it a little shake whenever I can't choose for myself.
Hayley - “Mhm, the pizza that Nyge got smells delicious. But I don’t feel like wasting $1.75 on it. But god, it looks so good. Nope, I’m on a diet. I can’t have that! Look at it! It’s oozing with fat and grease…Delicious fat and grease...NO. Prom is in a month and that’s going to add to my gut within a minute. Maybe just a bagel…Ugh, so many carbs though. I won’t be able to have bread for the next day if I eat that stupid bagel. Damn it, why is everything so complex? Oh, but how about nachos!? I think I’ll just steal one of Rob’s…or maybe two. That doesn’t even look the slightest bit healthy. Whatever, screw this diet. I don’t care. Oh my god, what am I doing?! I’m going to care in a month…I’m just getting pretzels from the snack machine. Damn it.”
Hahahaha now I know what you're thinking about when you stare at the table for about five minutes while everyone else is eating before getting your own food. This makes me very glad that I don't have to worry about diets or putting on some pounds, because I don't think I could handle going even a couple hours without a meal.
It’s funny because I seem to complain about things on a smaller scale rather than a bigger scale. I yearn for huge changes whether that be a different school, new people, or a different town. A year ago, I’d say the opposite. However with all the people skills I’ve been gaining, I feel like I’m ready to network and build my status up. I’ve seen my (excuse me) gold digger sister network. She was a girl that graduated from Vineland and was born and raised in Vineland. Now in her almost forties, she networks with (mostly guys) rich, successful people that have benefited her in some way. She has incredible people skills that I think she gained from bartending. Plus her looks probably have to do it because despite her being in her almost forties, she looks like she’s have her age. I now LOVE change. I can’t stand the idea of settling here, of going to college here, or meeting my husband here. OH HELP ME GOD IF THAT HAPPENS. I WANT OUT. I’m a person that loves awkward situations. I love making things awkward or even being in awkward situations. Change happens to be awkward in many ways. There is an intimidation factor and fear happens to exist, but I love that anxiety feeling. I don’t think I could live a life where it’s “same shit different day” deal. I hope being in a whole new state will expose me to numerous opportunities. New friends, new boys, new teachers, new food, new way of life… I’m so excited. I welcome change for the larger scale, but change in my eating habits or daily way of life is hard, since most people usually have a routine that they have been doing all a long.
I tend to be extremely drawn to spontaneous people. This is because I happen to be the least spontaneous. I’ve always woken up with a purpose in mind. This purpose has been mapped out, though. Even now, I never just grab my keys and go for a ride. I need to always know where I am going at all times. I’m overly analytical about every aspect of my life. This is why I mentally make a pro- and con- list in my head for every decision. I do this even with the smallest decisions. For instance, all throughout the day in school I eat a little bag of cheerios and a Nutrigrain bar with twenty ounces of coffee. By the time I get home, I’m usually hungry. So today I had work, and I had to contemplate whether if I should eat pizza before work. Pizza is not extremely horrible for you, but it’s not celery and carrots either. Immediately, I separated pros- from cons-. I won’t be hungry at work if I eat now. Therefore, I won’t have to spend money. Maybe, I just shouldn’t eat at all and just drink chocolate milk as dinner. If I eat pizza, I’ll feel bad about myself later and I’ll probably get a tummy ache, but if I don’t I’ll hear grumbles all throughout work. Being so analytical is annoying even to myself. Sometimes, I wish I could just jump straight into a choice. A whole bunch of “what Ifs” usually follow. No matter what choice I make, I’m certain that I’m confident in that choice. I run with it. If I get ran over in the process, so be it. You learn from wrong and right choices with every situations. I make my decisions by dwelling and I dwell because there will always be a fear inside. Fear should never stop anyone from going about there desires.
Change is a mysterious thing. It can bring overwhelming joy or gut wrenching grief., or both, and then reverse it the next day. What’s beautiful about change is that it’s never permanent. What’s terrible about change is that you can never go back. I love change (I used to hate it) but now I love it, because change is the spice of life. I look at my life now, I’m seventeen, don’t pay bills, live with my parents, get free food, don’t drive, go to school, and never get enough sleep. And while this may not sound like the perfect life, I couldn’t be happier. Having said that, I can’t wait for it to change.
Why? Because I’ve accepted the fact that change is ubiquitous and inevitable. Everyone changes a little bit everyday. Whether it’s through our interactions with others, or just our hair growing 1/32 of an inch, we all experience change whether we notice it or not. Normally we don’t notice change. It’s usually too miniscule to see. For example, I’m the same person I was yesterday, but clearly not the same person I was a year ago. It’s because change compounds. Our person, our life, is really just the result of a series of tiny changes.
The “Big” changes (the visible ones) are the changes some people fear. When a change is visible, it invites comparison. We’re constantly comparing the new to the old, always trying to determine which is “better”. The most prominent “Big” change in our lives right now, is college. The second we get there we’re all going to compare high school to college, then grad school to college, then our job to grad school, or which ever way your life goes, you will undoubtedly compare it to before. But comparing the past to the present is useless, change is what you make it, which brings me to my next point, choice.
As we embark on our voyage to the college of our choice, our lives will drastically change. Many of us will love it, some of us will hate it, and some of us will feel somewhere in between. We are going to compare living on our own to living at home, and weigh the pros and cons of both. I however, will not look at the change as a comparison. I’ll think of it as a new start. The change happened, it was inevitable, now it’s my time to make the most of it. Instead of comparing it to before, I’m going to try and make the right choices to make college the new happiest time of my life.
That is an easy choice, obviously I want to make college the best experience of my life, who doesn’t? Actually, my decision making process for most other problems is equally simplistic. When confronted with a decision, I can usually see the right choice for me instantly. I rarely put much thought into the consequences. I put a lot of trust in my gut, and it has work well so far. However sometimes I’ll be presented with a conundrum that isn’t black and white. When I get these problems, I can never make a decision. I usually wait it out and hope something happens to sway me in one direction or another.
To Alison
“When problems with no correct answer wander across my path, I become confused and tend to either wander in circles or stop dead in my tracks.”
I know exactly what you mean. When the problems with no correct answer pass me by I become hopelessly confused. When I can’t find the right way to go on one of these tricky problems I simply stop. I think it means we have to take more chances…
Janiru
"I know I’ll never be able to be happy in high school, or reach my full potential. A part of me wants to believe college will make things different, but I doubt it. I’ll still feel bored, disgusted, and unaccepted with the environment. So to me, college is to me like America was to the new immigrants (SAT analogies biatch). I hold out hope for something extraordinarily better, but I don’t know if I necessarily believe it."
We always talk about how we feel about certain things. We've always shared a lot of the same views. I loved your blog because I can directly relate to what you said. Throughout these high school years, we both have found out that we're both one of the few that actually follows our own path instead of being led. I also have never been happy in high school. This is no way the best times of our lives. I'm glad I have you, you're one of the few people I can depend on for feeling almost always the same way I do about things.
This is going to be possibly the worst thing I've ever written, I can feel it. I'm sorry Ms. Bunj, and I know I'm a failure for procrasinating and then making excuses about my sickness, but I'm really falling asleep as I'm typing.
As someone who is never really satisfied with what she has, I, for the most part, welcome change. I think that change is the most exciting part of life, and I love getting new things, going new places, and meeting new people (although I usually end up disliking them). Of course, there are a few things that I wouldn't want to change, but I honestly need things to change. Unfortunately for me, however, most of the change in my life comes in the form of the small and trivial, and not really in anything dramatic and life changing. Because of this, I don't really know how I would handle myself if such a situation should arise, and although I'd like to think that I'd embrace change, a small part of me leads me to believe that I'll fear it when it rolls around.
Devon: I call them sprinkles, too.
Looks like we're the shoobie hicks, huh, Jordan?
Oh my god. I just posted my comment. And it's so short! Kill meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
I'm going to bed. Have fun at school, everyone. See you soon (hopefully).
(Continued) Hair grows at a constant rate that is so minuscule its undetected by the human eye. Until one day, you roll out of bed and "poof" your hair looks like the character from "Where the Wild Things Are." Change that happens at this rate is the type of change that people should embrace. This ilk (another vocab word!) of change is natural, and will occur regardless of what humans do to impede it. However change for changes sake is horrible and frightening. When the world decides to throw a curve ball that doesn't coincide with the way nature intends, change becomes a hectic and potentially dangerous. Anything can happen in these situations, literally anything. It could range from a change in government, in which the possible outcomes are endless, to a minor change in jobs that causes a person to have to uproot their lives and change their address. Either way change is completely left up to fate and good fortune in these situations, whereas natural change is left up to what your exposed to. Now onward to actually answering what the question asks!
I'm not going to lie, or act like the big bad boy on campus with this one. Unpredictable and erratic change does scare me. It literally turns my skin white with fright, which according to the black population isn't that much of a change. Anyhow, the prospect of growing up and going off to college makes me quiver. I don't know how many people realize this from my actions and my hobbies, but I'm scared out of my mind about growing up. I try my hardest to stay a kid, and its clear from the way I watch almost only cartoons, play video games, party, and put all of my responsibilities on hold in order to have fun. At first I was going to say that even I didn't know why this scares me so much, but the I just had a major epiphany. I'm afraid of having to do things on my own. Now I know for the past seven months I've been preaching, "at our core we are all alone," but this I mean in a different sense. I'm afraid of having all the responsibilities of life upon me. Change alters the playing field and makes it so its a possibility that the blame is all on you. When I go to college that's it. It's up to me to stay on top of my school work. It's up to me to pay for my food. It's up to me for my clothes and tuition. Everything is on me. That is such a monumental responsibility, and it's looming ever closer on the horizon. I'm afraid that when change comes along, responsibilities will get shifted to put me in a rougher position, where I have to act more mature than I want to be. Consequently my fear of uncontrollable erratic change, not from the environment, leads me to why I make certain decisions.
In all honesty, I won't lie again on this one. All my decisions are based on the present situation I'm in. It all depends on what's going on and how it will benefit me. I rarely look to the future, and because of my narcissistic attitude I believe I'm invincible no matter what I chose I'll come out better. If I'm angry all of my decisions will be made in order to express my anger and make others angry, despite if they are only trying to help or not. If I'm depressed my decisions are made in order alleviate my depression, regardless of the countless excuses I have to make up for my actions. When I'm happy and euphoric is when I think the clearest though. Happiness allows me to see the merits and demerits of my actions, and allows me to weigh them against each other. Although even then my God complex kicks in, and I still believe I'm invincible so I miss out on certain dangerous aspects of it. For instance, while being happy I will think about the positives of a situation, and then ponder the negatives. However, whilst I'm pondering the negatives, anything that is particularly deleterious (I'm on a roll!)to my health, body or mind I don't pay much attention to.Unless it's something that over looking would for a known ruin my life. Something like sniffing crack or something, is a decision that I would use my head and decide not to do for obvious reasons. However if its something in which a known physical pain is the result, or there is a possibility to be adversely affected, I would most likely take the chance and the pain.
While we are on the subject of how I make decisions, I might as well throw it out there that I'm easily influenced by the world around me. My close friends, my sister, and my teachers all affect what I do in some way. If my close friends are doing something, I usually like to either be the reason they are doing it or be apart of what they are doing. My decision is based off of their ethics and morals, considering mine are extremely lax. Although when extremes present themselves I tend to use my head and make a conscious decision. In the terms of life, my sister and teachers both play a massive role in my guidance. Both are the main figures of authority in my life, considering teachers hold my future, while my sister literally, with her stun gun, holds my life in their hands.
It's not that I enjoy change. I just hate it when things stay the same for too long. I get bored extremely quickly. Oh man....Michael Jackson just said
"My life will never be the sameCause girl, you came and changed"
seemed pretty coincidental...
When things stay the same, you're bound to hate them. This is what scares me so much about growing up. There are two things that are going to stay the same for a LONG time: my career and my wife. That is infinitely distressing to me.
That’s why I’m making it a point not to get married until I’m at least 32.
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Sorry, some matters came up, and I had to do some extensive damage calculations on my registeel.
I believe I embrace change because I’m constantly looking for ways to cure my boredom. Pokemon, for instance, is a never-ending world where the metagame can change from month to month. Of course, I have to change up my own team all the time, because I lack the ability to stick with one for too long.
I’m a terrible decision-maker. Whenever I’m forced into a decision, I’m likely to just do eenie-meenie-minie-moe in my head, and blurt out whatever I end up with. That can result in a ton of bad decisions, but my id is just so messed up that it takes all my mental capacity just to try and stay remotely on task, let alone make a respectable decision.
For instance, right now I had to decide whether I wanted a physical or special-orientented registeel. I managed to catch a physical one, and then decided I should just try and clone it and catch more of them til I got a special one.
That failed miserably, and now I’m stuck with a physical regi when I knew I wanted a special one. I did damage calcs, and now it turns out that I’ll die to my counters that I would’ve survived had I gotten a special regi.
When I actually do get into making a decision, I brood over it for hours , days, or weeks. I’m not a slow thinker; I just like to consider every single consequence and possibility.
JordanI agree whole-heartedly on the sprinkle issue.
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Ugh.....the word verification thing gets me every time.
I posted this thing 20 minutes ago, and then went on to read people's posts. Oh well.....late again =(
I need change. I need change and I need it fiercely, and feel as though if it doesn't strike me soon I shall probably remain as unshakable as a mountain for the rest of time.
I feel as though I rest upon a precipice. I don't mean to get into metaphors for adolescence, I simply mean to say this: I, Fiona Erickson, do not like who I am. My natural reactions and functions are as foreign to me now as a stranger, and I cannot stand living and residing in this stranger’s body. Not only their body, but their mind. I do not like my thoughts, my actions, my speech or my lifestyle, and yet I feel helpless to change it.
There are tangible remnants of the old Fiona within me: the Fiona I liked, once upon a time. Most would look upon this as a positive. At least I have some vestige of Fiona the Good within me, right?! But no. The precipice I rest on depends entirely upon my self reflection and the change that occurs within it. I cannot go on. I cannot go back. Without change, I fear, like wet clay shaped as a vase on the pottery wheel, too many rotations will pass me and suddenly I will collapse upon myself, as unsalvageable as ash.
So I suppose what appeals to me in change is the possibility for redemption in my own eyes. If you do not love yourself, others love means nothing. This is the only destination I seek from change.
The way I deal with choice is entirely too volatile for my taste and it is one of the reasons I feel the above. Some decisions leave me before they even are totally absorbed. I do not take in all the information when I should; do not weigh my options when it is opportune. Yet others I examine with all the cynicism in the world. I make lists, outlines, bullets, I write about them I think about them I talk about them and I brood. I brood like a mother hen over her eggs until it is too late and yet again I have missed the opportune moment. The balance invested in me is purely physical. I lack all emotional, mental, and social balance, an ostrich among pigeons, with the inability to fly weighing heavily on my conscious.
Well, I think I've been saved. I forgot the blog again on wednesday, (Once I forget something the first time, I tend to forget it more and more) but because the blog was put up late monday, I think I should be safe putting this in on thursday. Right? Hope so.
First off, I don't think it's very easy, if possible, to flat out say that someone is for or against change. I think there are certain levels of change that are distinct enough to require different terms. Personally, the change that scares me the most is life progression. I know a lot of people are just little eager beavers, ready to jump on the express train to college and adulthood, off to their professional life. I, however, am not one of those people. I would like to go back to being young, before I really understood what the word 'sex' meant, back when Christmas was still magical, back when I really believed that a door occasionally appeared in the lavatory that led to a beautiful field of grass. Back when I sucked at video games, when I was too short for some of the big kid rides, when life was simpler. Why is that? Well, I suppose it was said already. I'm afraid of making the wrong choice. I don't want to learn the wrong profession and live miserably. As it stands, I'm on track to become a pediatric dentist. That's 10-11 years of training. I don't want to make these big decisions yet. I want more middle school, maybe elementary school as well.
The fact is, I'm not always the best decision maker. When faced with a choice, usually one of two things happen.
Happening #1: I'm knowledgeable and well educated on the subject and make my choice within seconds.
Happening #2: I stop to think. I begin to weigh my options for five to ten seconds. After that, my mind goes blank. I think I'm thinking, but really what I'm doing is stalling. I'm aware that I do this, but it never occurs to me while I'm doing it because of how obvious it is that I'm thinking hard on the subject. The stalling generally goes on for however long the choice can be stalled. When faced with a lack of time and the need for immediate choice, I either pick randomly or pick what I percieve to be the best choice. Note that this is not always the best choice.
Of course, happening #2 is the less common of the two. I want to say that it's more common, but then I realized how soundly I make so many inconsequential decisions during my day, and realized that nobody truly uses their normal thought process for most decisions. They simply decide. However, #2 happens often enough to fee more common, and happens in all situations. When choosing between games, when deciding about my career choices, and especially while taking tests. I guess that's how this all binds together. Yes, I am afraid of change, because I don't trust my decision making process to direct that change. There isn't much trustworthy about me, I'm afraid. It's not that I'm malicious. I'll never steal your things, (if you have me hold them) and I'll never tell someone else your secrets. I'm just forgetful and airheaded and prone to bad decisions. I don't think I'll ever get over it.
To Dan: I'm a bit envious of your decision-making process. It all makes sense, it seems like something I would do, and yet I don't think it would at all be possible for me.
In other news: Is everyone playing EBA again? Shoot, I'd better start again if I want to stay better than you all.
Change. Bottled up in this short and seemingly straight forward word lies a redefining of everything. If something changes in one’s life, that could potentially ruin or better the outcome for the rest of that person’s life. The world is filled with these choices, and we can not distinguish between one that will change the rest of our lives, like driving through a raceway with tires that may go the opposite way as the steering wheel.
I welcome change into my life. Change is what makes life worth living. All of the things that stay the same become just so ordinary. Life to me is all about the thrill of the fight, if life is going to throw a right hook and it is known, winning the fight is nothing to be proud of. Although, I do not go into life under the false impression that my life is only subject to change by the things that I do. The world is full of people, and those people make their own decisions, their own choices. Those choices can go by and not affect my life, or they could ravage my outlook on life. No matter how rich or powerful someone is, they are always vulnerable to the power of change.
When I am presented with a decision, there is a moment of digestion. In this time I process the information in, and in most cases to satisfy the person presenting the information I supply a “hmmm” or an “mmhmm” accompanied by the general head nod. If the question or information is very complex I may even throw in an imaginary goatee stroke for my own amusement. If one is to make a proper decision, this is a necessary process. As I am processing the information I categorize it into whether it is an important or menial decision. There is a corresponding difference in the time I spend on the varying levels of importance. The daily things judged are: lunch is ranked a one, advice for others ranked about a seven. Assuming it is advice I will take a good two minutes contemplating the possible outcomes of the situations. After pondering I generally ask which choice makes that person happiest. That is the most important thing in all of life, and why anyone would do things that do not make them happy is beyond me. Normally the situation is resolved enough for me to make my own decisions, like whether to get a peanut butter and jelly or risk my health with a rib sandwich.
I make every decision I do, to either better myself or better someone else’s life. I always think of “the smile that saved a life”. In this you smile at someone who looks like they are having an off day. This smile could very well result in a smile back just for that brief moment, but what if that smile was just what that person needed. Little did you know, the person failed her math exam, her parents are getting divorced, and she is going through a breakup herself. As sad as it may sound she was contemplating suicide. Just as she was thinking that, she passes someone in the hall that gives her a big smile. She sees the light at the end of the tunnel. Now, this may seem far fetched, but what risk would someone be taking just to smile at someone in the hallway. That is a decision that can change someone’s day for the positive.
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