Apologies for the delay. The well is dry, so to speak.
Actually, I have some ideas that are very abstract and until I nail them down solidly enough to engender a concrete point and purpose, I refuse to babble on incessantly.
So, what we'll do while my notions marinate a bit will be slightly more functional.
Although I gave all of you those sample student AP essays last week, some of you may have "resisted the temptatation" to devour them to see what you can discern about what the college board values in writing So...you guessed it...we'll do that now.
First, I would like you to determine the thesis of each of the "9" essays. From that, see if you can determine in which mode they are written. Then, critique them by doing a combination TS/TD and RRL combined. Talk about lit devices they used, sentence patterns you see, structural strategies of note etc. Talk about the intro, and why it works; what the hook is and how they pace the work. Dig, dig, dig and find the treasure that the college board seemed to see.
The scoring commentary should give you some pointers obviously, but go deeper then they do and really use what you've learned to see what it is about these essays that made the scorers react to them so favorably.
Your responses should be insightful, reflective and indicative of how well you understand good writing (as it is judged by the AP folks).
51 comments:
awwwwwwwwwwwwww.
I can't wait to do this blog ! =D
Question 1:
[Write an essay in which you develop a position on whether or not the penny coin should be eliminated. Synthesize at least three of the sources for support.]
Thesis: This essay does include a strong, analytical thesis statement, which clearly represents the essay’s central idea. The thesis of this essay can be found in the last sentence of the first paragraph, specifically when they state, “-the penny serves as an essential facet of everyday life, as well as a testament to our national roots.” The thesis is then referred to again in the first sentence of the last paragraph when the writer states, “Simply put, the penny is too valuable economically and historically to be banned.” The thesis is then related to all of the points made in each of the body paragraphs. All in all, it is a strong thesis that directly takes a position on the question that is asked.
Mode: Overall, this essay is an argumentation essay; specifically, however, it is a synthesis essay because it is based on multiple passages, as opposed to just one, such as in an argument essay. This essay, in reference to a rhetorical mode, would be classified as an illustration/exemplification essay because it provides examples to clarify a point. Exemplification essays also embody abstract ideas, and sharpen broad generalizations. With this essay, the writer is asked to take a position and further support that position with the sources given. By doing so they are expected to formulate abstract ideas and clarify generalizations given in the sources. The writer was able to achieve a score of nine because they were able to apply multiple sources to their position in order to strengthen it (source E, source A, source G, source F, source C, and source D). Even the sources that were on the opposite side of the writer’s position were still used to acknowledge both sides.
TS/TD & Reading Log: In this essay, a topic sentence is provided for each of the body paragraphs, all of which related back to the thesis. The evidence presented from the documents connected with the thesis. Also, relevant, insightful, and analytical points were made throughout the essay. The comparison made to other monuments, for example, was one of these insightful points. The statistics used in paragraphs two and four also helped to strengthen the author’s point. The “text says” of the first paragraph is that we have many monuments “both great and small” from which we are reminded of our past and potential. In the first paragraph, the author sets a very informative, clear tone, while having a logical progression of ideas. Each of the sentences in the first paragraph are well connected, and show excellent fluency. In the second paragraph, the writer is saying that “the abolition of the penny would be enormous, and simply not worth the ‘benefits’”. This paragraph is well tied to the previous because within the first sentence, the writer continues to refer to the penny as a “recognized component of modern American life”. The writer then continues by bringing up the negatives to abolishing the penny (two-thirds of the population is against it and some states have much dependence upon the penny). They include statistics to strengthen their point. In the third paragraph, the writer is saying that benefits are already being put in place to preserve the penny. The writer continues with the idea of “convenience” and “national value”. In this paragraph, the author also makes a strong comparison of the penny to other national monuments within our borders, which reflect on the monuments “great and small” mentioned in the first paragraph. This paragraph also ends off on one of the strongest points made in the essay. In the fourth paragraph, the writer is saying that many flaws can be seen in the opinions of those who attack the penny’s use. This paragraph is tied to the previous because in the last sentence of the previous paragraph, the writer says, “So crucial is the penny as a mark of our national attribute of economy and a portrait of our heritage that to ban it would be to be ban a feature of American life.” This statement is used to sway the audience’s opinions, so that when they read the next paragraph, they will already be on the author’s side. In the fifth paragraph, the author is saying that the penny is too valuable economically and historically to be banned. Although this is the weakest paragraph in the writer’s essay, this paragraph well summarizes the points made in all of the body paragraphs, as well as refers to the thesis mentioned in the first paragraph. Once again, the author leaves off on a strong note that reflects the tone of the essay.
Literary Devices: In the first paragraph, the writer utilizes various forms of syntax by altering the sentence structure of each of the sentences. In the second paragraph, the author gives a slightly personified view of the penny in order to increase its significance. In the third paragraph, inverted syntax is included to not only add detail, but to clarify a point. A rhetorical question is also posed when the writer states, “Should the penny be treated any differently?” One could also say that parallelism is made between the monuments and pennies. In the fourth paragraph, an anaphora is used in the second sentence when referencing source C. Also, the statement “change for the sake of change” is a pun the author uses for humorous effect. In the fifth paragraph, an anaphora is used in sentences two through four. This anaphora is then followed by a rhetorical question to reflect back on one of the points made in paragraph three. Throughout the essay as a whole, diction is especially prevalent in the author’s writing as they include words such as “virtually”, “mundane”, “facet”, “testament”, “entrenched”, “”inherent”, “monumental”, “prestigious”, “logistically”, “adversely”, “intrinsic”, “portrayal”, “thrift”, “hallmark”, “relics”, “ubiquitous”, “intrinsically”, and “conform”. They are all words that were utilized to take the place of common nouns, verbs, or adjectives. Also, the author maintains the same point of view throughout the essay, most likely to be consistent with the tone and focus of the essay.
Sentence Patterns: One of the unique qualities to this writer’s writing is the frequent use of inverted sentence. For example, in the third sentence of the first paragraph, the author states, “From these monuments, both great and small, we are shown our past and our potential.” Compound as well as simple sentences are used throughout the essay to add to the variation of the essay, and allow the points he/she makes to be clearer.
Structural Strategies: Once again, this essay was carefully structured so that all of the points which were made in this essay revolved around the thesis. The thesis is also carried in each one of the body paragraphs; most of the last sentences of each paragraph can be directly related back to the thesis. Also, not many rhetorical questions were used which shows good writing skill. On the other hand, many transitions were used throughout the essay, such as “although”, “such as”, “in fact”, “thus”, “in the end”, “indeed”, and “simply put”.
Introduction: Overall, the introduction was the most comprehensive of all the paragraphs, even thought the other paragraphs were well written as well. The reason why it was so important to have the first paragraph be the most fluent and clear was so that the reader’s interest could be obtain right away. The focus of the essay was seen in the first paragraph. The length of this paragraph was also very appropriate. Many strong statements were said in the introduction, but even so, the reasons mentioned in the body paragraphs are not given away in the first paragraph. Lastly, the topic of the thesis was not repeating in the introduction.
Hook: The hook of this essay may have been “change for the sake of change”, yet, more so, I believe the hook was the relation of the penny’s importance to our past and present because this note is seen throughout the essay. “Change for the sake of change” is only first seen in the fourth paragraph. Nevertheless, this clever statement does get the reader’s attention.
Pace: The pace of this essay was perfectly planed because the writer does not waste time summarizing points made in the sources. Instead, the writer presents one point after another, showing that they have a thorough understanding of their position.
Question 2:
[In a well-written essay, analyze how Barry uses rhetorical strategies to characterize scientific research.]
Thesis: The thesis of this essay is within the last sentence of the first paragraph, “-Barry utilizes comparison and logical hypothetical situations to convey that idea.” The reason why this is the thesis of the essay is because the question is to write about the rhetorical strategies Barry uses to characterize scientific research. So, in this statement, the writer is providing a broad overview of how these rhetorical strategies are utilized.
Mode: This essay is a rhetorical analysis essay because it demonstrates a good understanding of the passage, its intent, and what rhetorical strategies were employed by the author (and for what purpose). In reference to a rhetorical mode, this essay would be classified as a casual analysis because the writer also explains why certain rhetorical strategies were used, and what they did for the essay as a whole. Casual analysis essays answer these two aspects: “Why did this happen?” and “What will this do?” While this essay could also be classified under exemplification, the writer is not necessarily trying to use examples to prove one of their own points. More so, they are answering the questions “why?” and “what?”.
TS/TD & Reading Log: In the first paragraph, the writer explicitly introduces two of Barry’s most important points in his essay: a desire to make the unknown known and uncertainly is a tool against one’s own convictions. In this paragraph, the writer sets a good introduction for the rhetorical devices later mentioned in each of the body paragraphs, especially in his/her last sentence. In the second paragraph, the writer begins to analyze the second and third paragraphs. They look at what Barry contrasts, the direction he establishes, what examples were used, and how Barry attempts to persuade the reader. In the third paragraph, the writer begins to analyze the fourth paragraph. The writer looks at the analogies used by the author, his thesis, his antithesis, the ironic effect which is included, how the author relates his points, explains how Barry provides the inverse result, and what Barry’s intent is to instill in the reader. In the fourth paragraph, the writer analyzes the fifth paragraph. He brings up the reoccurrence of questions in Barry’s writing, while critiquing the effect and purpose of these questions. The writer also provides a good analysis of the purpose of the multiple questions while doing so. In the fifth paragraph, the writer continues to write about the analogy mentioned in the previous paragraph, while looking at the “criticism in Barry’s diction”. In this paragraph, the reader is able to get a complete understanding that the writer knew exactly what Barry was referring to in the specific phrases of his writing. The writer also analyzes parts of Barry’s writing as “subtle judgment”. Obviously, the writer is showing that they have enough knowledge of Barry’s pathos that they have no problem in offering their own opinions to his beliefs. In the fifth paragraph, the writer connects this paragraph to the previous by continuing to critique Barry’s essay. The writer also brings up an understanding of Barry’s use of transitions.
Literary Devices: In the first sentence, the writer utilizes syntax to reference some of Barry’s own words. In the third paragraph, the writer makes a metaphorical reference to Wiley E. Coyote to strengthen their point, but also to make sure to apply to a larger audience. In the fourth paragraph, the writer uses a simile to analyze the effect of the various questions Barry poses (“as though the writer was bouncing from idea to idea very quickly”). In the fifth paragraph, the writer shows excellent use of parallelism when they state, “Once progress has been made, order achieved, and certainty restored-.” Another reference is then made to Albert Einstein in the following sentence.
Sentence Patterns: As for the beginning sentence of this essay, the writer chooses to state a simple sentence to allow the reader to understand what direction they are moving in right from the start. Throughout the rest of the essay, the author utilizes simple sentences, complex sentences, compound sentences, and a few inverted sentences. Many of the shorter sentences were used for the purpose of making the writing conversational. The writer shows good sentence structure, and the ability to use variation in sentence structure to make his/her points clearer.
Structural Strategies: To maintain good structure in this essay, the writer is sure to analyze each of Barry’s paragraphs in a chronological form. The writer was also sure to put the most emphasis of their ideas in the body, as opposed to the introduction. Plenty of transitions were used throughout the essay to promote fluency. Also, the conclusion was left to be the strongest part of the essay in order to leave a lasting, final impression.
Introduction: In the introduction, the word “uncertainty” is used three times. Throughout the essay, it is used thirteen times. This is a simple example of how the focus of the writer’s essay started from the very beginning, and then continued to dominate the rest of the essay. While the introduction to this essay was short, this particular essay question did not require that long of an introduction. The writer knew that he/she should begin to analyze the rhetorical devices used in the body paragraphs. Hence, not much was left to say for the introduction. Overall, the first paragraph is used to give an overview of Barry’s ideas and some background to the idea of scientific research, which was very appropriate for this essay.
Hook: The hook of this essay is “-one’s convictions requires a far greater courage, to conceive of uncertainty as an ally rather than a foe.” (last sentence of second paragraph) This sentence gives a personified view of the word “uncertainty”, but it also shows a unique creativeness in writing. Plus, it given a reinforced view of Barry’s beliefs.
Pace: The pace of this essay, to me, was rather quick because it concentrates on one idea and then quickly moves on to the next. Nevertheless, by doing so, the writer is able to include more of their ideas in their writing, especially under the limited time constraint.
Question 1
Thesis- “From jingling in pockets to rolling off counters, the penny serves as an essential facet of everyday life, as well as a testament to our national roots.”
I thought the first paragraph was amazingly written; it definitely captured my attention just by the sophisticated manner in which it was written in. I loved how they took the mundane topic of the penny and related it to the historical aspect of our country, economically, and our daily lives.
It is obvious that it is a synthesis essay, but I think that it is an argumentative essay as well. Even the commentary stated that the essay was ‘intelligent and persuasive.’ The writer got the authoring thinking in new ways about the penny, just by the insightful agreements that they bring up.
The sentence structure varies, which makes it the essay flow much easier. For example, the first sentence is simple, and the last sentence is complex. The writer’s use of six of the seven sources obviously intrigued the scorers, and was one of the key aspects in them getting a nine. Each paragraph starts off with a captivating sentence that introduces what they will be elaborating on, the hook for each paragraph. I must say, the kid that wrote this essay is amazing. I can’t imagine a seventeen year old writing this. This essay isn’t a boring five paragraph persuasive essay; it is a well structure six paragraph essay.
Like Ashley said, the diction in this essay is very well done, the varying of words keeps the reader captivated. The writers uses many rhetorical devices, in the fifth paragraph, he asks a rhetorical question that makes the reader question why the abolishing the penny is even a question. I loved when they said the pun ‘change for the sake of change,’ and I think they should get a nine just for that!
The first paragraph introduces the topic at hand and the author states his position, ‘the penny serves as a facet of everyday life.’ The second paragraph gives reason for why the penny is important, it has historical significance. The paragraph relates to the logos of the audience, providing statistics for keeping the penny. The third paragraph states that the penny is an emblem in our country and ‘a mark of our national attribute of economy and a portrait of our heritage that to ban it would ban a feature of American life.’ The use of the rhetorical question draws the reader in, and this argument relates to the pathos of the audience. The fifth paragraph refutes the arguments for rid of the penny. And the last paragraph sums up the writers arguments.
Question 2
Thesis- ‘However, that concept is very ethereal, so Barry utilizes comparison and logical hypothetical situations to convey that idea.”
The author introduces what he will be discussing, the literary devices that he utilizes. It has very sophisticated diction and clear sets up what the paper will be about. It is obvious that the paper is a rhetorical analysis, just by what the question is asking for.
The author states that Barry’s idea in the essay is about how the uncertainty is a tool against ones beliefs. The second paragraph goes on to describe Barry’s idea. Describing how he ‘contrasts the strength and conviction of certainty with the weakness and fear of uncertainty to better define the term of uncertainty.’ (A bit confusing.) This paragraph describes the second and third paragraphs, while also adding a bit of the writers own personal beliefs. The third paragraph describes the analogy the Barry makes with scientists to pioneers, and talks about the antithesis that Barry states. The fourth paragraph continues to elaborate on the literary devices, this time it is questions. The author states the affects that each literary device has on the piece as a whole, a bit like an elaborated text says/text does. The fifth paragraph ends the analogy, the writer talks about Barry’s diction. And the last paragraph concludes the piece.
I believe the hook in this piece was in the first paragraph. ‘As Barry describes the scientific process, he says that uncertainty, in the world of the unknown, must be made a tool-a weapon, even- against one’s own convictions.’ I just think that sentence was AMAZING. It drew me in, and spit me out. I had to reread it over again, to actual understand what it was saying, but I loved it.
As said in the commentary, I think that the reason this piece got a nine is because of the way the writer approached the question. Every other student, myself including, would have just talked about the literary devices that Barry used. But this writer goes in depth and describes the interworking of a scientists mind, as well as the literary devices. The voice is powerful, it sounds like he is confident with every idea that he writes down. The sentence structure differs, which makes the piece flow quiet easily.
---Reading these essays scares me. They are so well written, that I don’t know if I have that kind of voice in my writing to portray the confidence that both the writers had in the examples. But I think reading the commentary really helped, because I would never have expected that the scorers would have like that the student talked about the scientists mind in a rhetorical analysis paper!
before I answer the actual blog, bunje I'm going to sign up for that free SAT thing on the 25th, but I don't know if I should take the SAT or ACT.
Essay Number 1:
Thesis- "From jingling in pockets to rolling off counters, the penny serves as an essential facet to everyday life, as well as a testament to our national roots." Wow. What a thesis. It's constructed beautifully, and allows the reader to understand what the rest of the essay will be about.
Mode- argument/persuasion. This mode works very well for the writer. The question calls for the student to use the sources to develop a position. I feel as though argument/persuasion is the best way to cover all aspects of the question. Might I point out that, naturally, exemplification is employed as well. Because the writer is asked to use the documents, this happens almost automatically.
Critique- The introduction to this essay is strong. It effectively introduces the topic as well as providing backgroud information. Every sentence is well constructed, and his tone is established right off the bat. You immediately understand where the essay is headed. The first paragraph continues to prove the thesis. His vocabulary is strong an impressive, and he uses words like "component" "entrenched" "uprooted" "inherent" "abolition" etc. In addition, he uses an analogy "the penny is far too entrenched to be easily uprooted." The next paragraph adds on to the previous, while still relating to the thesis. He makes many references to politics, which help add to his argument. His reasons are clear and concise throughout. The last body paragraph makes good use of the sources, which is one of the strongest parts of the essay. Although the conclusion is somewhat weak, the essay was so good that it's not important. I must say that I find this fact comforting. My conclusions usually stink, so it's nice to know that not everything has to be perfect to still get a 9!
Essay number 2:
Thesis- "However, that concept is very ethereal, so Barry utilizes comparison and logical hypothetical situations to convey that idea." In this one sentence alone this students sets the bar high for the rest of the essay. He effectively establishes a strong thesis that the reader can use as a guideline to the rest of the essay.
Mode- I agree with Ashley that the mode of this essay is causal analysis. The question asks for the student to analyze how Barry uses rhetorical strategies to characterize scientific research. What a pain in the butt. Still, this student picked a good mode to answer the question. This mode always makes me think of cause/effect. I feel as though the student takes one of the literary devices used by Barry and then goes on to explain how that adds to the characterization of scientific research.
Critique- This essay was over my head, I'm not going to lie. Whoever wrote it is one smart cookie. I only wish I had the ability to produce such a well written piece! I was impressed by the student's knowledge of the topic, as well as ability to analyze Barry's writing. It seemed to me liked this student could have published this essay as a professional analysis. I feel as though he went above and beyond what was expected. I agree with the scorer's analysis when they said that "the student writes with a confident voice." In addition, I greatly enjoyed his transitions. The essay flowed exceptionally well. It took a difficult, complex question and organized it into a well thought out, structured response. This is something I struggle with. The student did not let the essay devour him, if only I could do the same.
I agree with Molly when she said how much analyzing these responses scared her. I too am worried that my writing lacks confidence. Both of these essays seemed to have that confident tone, making me feel as though the AP graders like that. I'm certainly going to have to work harder to acheive that in my writing.
Dev-
“Although the conclusion is somewhat weak, the essay was so good that it's not important. I must say that I find this fact comforting. My conclusions usually stink, so it's nice to know that not everything has to be perfect to still get a 9!”
When I read the commentary that the scorers put, and saw that they said that the conclusion was repetitive, I had a sigh of relief. I usually can’t formulate what I want to say for the last few sentences, so it just comes across as repetitive. But if this person has an apparently weak conclusion and still gets a nine, there is hope!
Question 1 [The penny essay]
Thesis: “From the jingling in the pockets to rolling off counters, the penny serves as an essential facet to everyday life, as well as a testament to our national roots.”
Mode: The Mode of this essay Illustrative/Exemplification. The author refers back to his or her thesis in every paragraph, giving examples of how “the penny is to[o] valuable economically and historically to be banned.” S/he manages to rework the thesis, whether directly or indirectly, into each paragraph, even the refutation paragraph. Throughout each paragraph, the author gives examples of why the penny is so historically significant as well as economically. The essay could also be considered a persuasive since the main goal of the essay seems to be to convince the audience that banning the penny is an incomprehensible mistake when it comes to America’s history.
TS/TD & RRL: The first paragraph, like most first paragraphs, introduces the topic and the author’s stance (thesis). The thesis is worked into every paragraph that follows allowing the author to continuously “tie” the entire essay together. The author’s diction is amazing. Every word is powerful, precise, and perfect. I didn’t see one weak verb or vague noun throughout the entire essay. The result of such impressive diction is a boost in credibility with your audience (ethos). In the second paragraph, the author rewords the thesis and uses it as a springboard to begin his or her support. The second paragraph tells the reader that trying to ban the penny is more trouble then it’s worth. This is done through use of sources E and A. The use of sources definitely helped boost the grade but they also increased ethos and pathos. His or her logical approach to the question and sequential outline of just how difficult it would be to convince “two-thirds” of Americans banning the penny is beneficial boost logos as well. The third paragraph says that the penny is too historically valuable to remove from American currency. The use of source F, parallelism, anaphora, and a rhetorical question drive his point home. This paragraph also reconnects with the first through the wording of the introductory sentence of this paragraph. The fourth paragraph cleverly uses the sources to refute the idea that America should follow suite with all of the other countries that have excluded low-denomination coins from their currency. The author ingeniously anticipates the opposition and destroys it. This boosts his ethos. The last paragraph, while not as powerful as the others, wraps everything together. It restates the thesis in a new way and uses a rhetorical question as a final driving point that the penny must be preserved.
Literary Devices: The essay had quite a few very effective literary devices. Some of the most notable were parallelism, rhetorical question, chiasmus, pun, and polysyndeton. When the author had lists in sentences he kept at the verbs in the same tense and form, which may the essay much more comprehendible and flow smoothly. The few instances of rhetorical questions helped provided the final “bang” that truly made the author’s example convincing. The use of chiasmus was much less noticeable; it simply helped to make the essay flow effortlessly from one idea to the next. There was only one noteworthy pun but it was used in such an effective manner that it had a fairly large impact on the potency of the essay considering everyone seems to have noticed it. The last is polysyndeton, the use of extra conjunctions when listing items. This was only used once or twice but it helped to slow the pace in key areas and force the ideas of the essay to sink into the reader’s mind.
Sentence Patterns: To me, the sentence choices were great. They were varied, and each accomplished its own goal in furthering the essay. I did notice that of all the sentence types, the author seemed to use periodic and complex sentences the most. These types of sentences, when used in this essay, greatly accentuated the idea because of their not-so-familiar structure. The author’s most effective ideas seemed to radiate from these two particular types of sentences.
Structural Strategies: The author used a not-so-traditional five-paragraph essay. He begins with an introduction and ends with a conclusion; however, s/he only uses two of the body paragraphs to support his position and the third to refute the opposition. This structure was executed extremely well. All of the ideas followed, and the use a paragraph devoted to rebutting the resistance was nicely done. It added spice to a rather mundane topic and essay structure. And as Ashley mentioned, the author’s use of transition words helps to ensure a smooth read for the grader.
Intro: The introduction does an excellent job of making the reader aware of the topic without restating the question. Its strong diction and varied sentence structure helps to keep the reader intrigued. It relates the preservation of past historical events to the preservation of the penny. And the thesis is very well written and concise. It gives the entire essay direction and draws in the reader.
Hook: The hook for me is the sentence “And though it may seem insignificant and mundane, the penny is no exception.” It intrigues me and makes me want to continue on and find out why it is no exception. There is another hook that comes later which is the pun “change for the sake of change.” It redraws in any readers who may have drifted into their own minds while reading this and brings them back in for the conclusion.
Pace: The easy was excellently paced. It wasn’t too slow or too fast. It followed a fairly even tempo throughout most of the easy. The only time I notice extra words, which caused the essay to slow, was when to author really wanted an idea to marinate in the reader’s mind, which would helped increase the power of the essay. Other than those few perfectly planned “slow downs” the essay flowed seamlessly from one paragraph to the next at a great pace.
Question 2 [Analyze Barry’s rhetorical strategies]
Thesis: “However, that concept is very ethereal, so Barry utilizes comparison and logical hypothetical situations to convey that idea.”
Mode: Since rhetorical analysis is not one of the eight rhetorical modes, this essay would most likely be classified as Causal Analysis or cause and effect. The student explains the techniques and strategies the author uses (cause) and how it affects the passage (effect). We are given examples of the strategies, which means that this essay may enter the exemplification mode but for the most part, this essay explains “what was done” and “what happened as a result”.
TS/TD & RRL: The first paragraph introduces the topic and thesis of the paper. The student mentions the scientific method, drawing information from outside the passage, which boosts ethos. This paragraph sets the stage for the rest of the essay. In the second paragraph the student discusses one of the strategies, analogy, that Barry uses and what it does. The student’s examples only help to show his/her understanding. The use of humor helps the student draw the reader in and want to continue reading. Much like the previous essay, this essay has powerful diction and every word has purpose and meaning. The student then takes the “uncertainty” described by the explanation of the author’s use of analogy in the previous paragraph to provide a bridge into his/her next topic: antithesis. The student gives a few examples of an antithesis and explains exactly how the author uses it and why it is effective. S/he, once again, uses humor to raise the bar of their essay. This explanation is showing how the author of the passage makes these abstract ideas much more concrete. The fourth paragraph explains the author’s unique use of rhetorical questions. The student takes and explains the use of rhetorical questions by showing that they are like the scientist mind, short, choppy, and discursive. This insightful response definitely earned major points and was very convincing. The student then brings up another analogy and uses it to explain the diction of the author. Even though s/he later says that it is “a very subtle judgement at best”, the student explains why, showing that s/he really understands and comprehends the passage. The sixth paragraph concludes the essay and pulls everything together. S/he then restates his/her thesis and gives a final support of how the author managed to “evince that the only certainty in science in uncertainty.” The only criticism, the transition from paragraph to paragraph was rough in some places.
Literary Devices: There were not many devices used in the essay, especially since humor is not a device, but more a tone, well humorous is at least. But there was parallelism, as there is in most essays, which helps provide and smooth rhythm and flow. There was also chiasmus, which is this case was used to emphasize a point the student was trying to make about the author. And there were references to outside sorces, such as Wile. E. Coyote and the Scientific Method, both of which added a unique flavor to this essay and boosted ethos.
Sentence Patterns: The sentences, like the previous essay, are varied extremely well. The student does seem to prefer cumulative (loose) and periodic sentences. It is actually very interesting that these two types of sentences are seen most prominently, since they are opposites, structure wise. Either way, they were used effectively, along with all of the other sentences.
Structural Strategies: The student doesn’t rely on the overused and trite five-paragraph essay. Instead, s/he relies on a six-paragraph essay, which, in turn, gives the essay a little bit of spice just because it was different. The intro did what an intro usually does: introduce the topic and thesis. The four body paragraphs then explained the cause and effect of each of the rhetorical choices of the author. Each was different and well supported. The student then concludes and wraps everything up in the last paragraph. This structure worked very well, and allowed the student to provide more support for his/her thesis.
Intro: The introduction was sharp and on point. It provided a perfect pathway for the student to explain the author’s rhetorical choices and strategies. The thesis was very strong as was the diction. After reading this intro, I really wanted to continue reading, which is undoubtedly a sign of good writing.
Hook: For me the hook was “Uncertainty, in the world of the unknown, must be made a tool.” To that really drew me in. I was intrigued by what that could possibly mean and that is the reason I continued on, well besides the fact that I had to in order to complete this blog.
Pace: This essay was very well pace. There were no extraneous words or ideas. It was succinct and, for the most part, flowed very well from one paragraph to the next. There were not as many transitions as the last essay which made going from one paragraph to the next a little awkward, but other than that, the ideas all went together very nicely and it was a well done essay.
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Side Note: This second analysis was odd, we were practically doing a TS/TD &RRL of a TS/TD &RRL. It just seemed strange is all I’m saying, and, no, I am not complaining, just voicing my opinion.
Ashley:
First you did a really great job of dissecting these essays. You helped me to understand what exactly I was supposed to be doing, so thanks! And, I hope you don’t mind, but I “stole” your format. Hey, mimicry is the sincerest form of flattery, right?
Molly:
I completely agree; it doesn’t seem possible that a seventeen year old wrote these essays. They seem so much more sophisticated than what I could ever come up with. I am scared and wonder if I’ll even get a six on these essays after reading those two. Oh well, all I can hope for is that I do my best and hope it pays off, if not than I learned a lot and that is truly my reward. But, truthfully Molly, I think you’ll do excellently; you are an amazing writer.
I was about to do my blog, but my demon of a sister just forced me to watch Oprah. I now agree with you Bunje and hate Oprah, because all thoughts about the blog went out of my head due to the episode about "The birds and the bees." A pox on Oprah.
wow, Jordan, I was watching that same exact episode because it was on in my nanny's room while I was feeding her. It was the most ridiculous thing I had ever seen.
Well considering I can't throw some witty statement in about how these essays made me feel, I'll just cut to the chase and start analyzing.
Question 1
It's actually quite clear that the thesis of this essay comes into play at the end of the first paragraph when the student writes, "from jingling in pockets to rolling off counters, the penny serves as an essential facet of everyday life, as well as a testament to our national roots." Because the writer is using effective diction to establish his thesis, it's rather easy to see that he is arguing for a specific purpose. Even if the prompt wasn't sitting right in front of me, I'd be able to tell that the question posed was to discuss whether or not the penny was important to society. And since the thesis presents the idea that it is a whether or not question, the paper is bound to be written in an argumentative rhetorical mode,which it is. Just from reading the first paragraph of this essay, already the reader has gleaned what the thesis and rhetorical mode happens to be.
To start out the TS/TD component of this blog, I'd like to first note how surprised I am at reading this. If an essay like this got a perfect score, my heart will stop from surprise if the more articulate minds of the class don't all get perfect essay scores. The introduction is pretty good considering the author's usage of parallelism to describe the country and the penny, but it is does show the presence of flaws that will plague the entire essay. In certain sentences it uses transition phrases or words,just for the sake of using them. For instance the "As such" sentence would have been just as if not more effective if the as such clause wasn't attached. Also the excessive "And although" in the following sentence was unnecessary. It's one thing to use transition from one sentence to another, but it is quite different to use a transition phrase to transition from a transition sentence to another one is redundant. Aside from that flaw, the introduction has an eloquent diction with a mildly effective syntax, although the usage of inverted sentence also becomes redundant as the essay as a whole continues. Right off the bat though, the essay begins to appeal to the pathos of the reader, assuming they live in the United States. By discussing the greatness of America and how it has thrived throughout history, the reader feels a sense of pride at living within the country's borders. After the pathos is garnered from the reader,the student deploys the usage of an inverted sentence in order to present the thesis in a purpose encompassing manner.
With a little transition, the essay moves on to the first body paragraph. This paragraph isn't exactly filled with rhetorical devices, but is comprised of more facts than anything. All of these facts and statistics allow for the writer to help establish both the logos and ethos of the essay. The reference to the study done by the Harris group and to Tennessee's economy make the writer seem as if they have a lot of background knowledge about this issue, although that could be from the fact it is a synthesis essay. Moreover, these references allowed for the writer's point to come across in a largely logistical way,which in turn further burgeoned their logos with the college board reader. Then as the paragraph comes to a close, it's final message before the concluding statement connects the point to the common reader who actually uses the penny in real life situations. This connection causes the reader to feel as if the writer has some idea of what they do, which then strengthens the student's pathos.
Continually, the opening sentence of the next body paragraph dives right into the point. They begin to develop their logos by starting from the beginning of the penny. The paragraph itself starts with the beginning of the penny and chronologically continues through its history. This chronological progression allows for the reader to see a logical connection between the thesis and the writer's point. The allusion to Abraham Lincoln as the " greatest president" being on the penny provides credibility to the student writing the essay. In the next couple of sentences the student uses a reference to the national monuments and they way they are preserved in order to strengthen the point that is trying to be made. As the paragraph comes to a close, the writer deploys a rhetorical question in order to incite though on the reader's end.
Furthermore, the writer tries to appeal to the reader's emotions as the paragraph begins.By expressing an angry tone at what is being purported about the penny, the writer tries to forcefully denounce and convey that the information is being wrongly expressed. He even uses another round of statistics in order to strengthen his ethos and make the opposite argument seem unrealistic. Besides that this paragraph serves as a chance for the writer to disprove what the opposite sources have tried to prove.
In the concluding paragraph the student begins with an effective concluding statement, except for the grammatical error that causes it to lose all effectiveness. All of a sudden the writer's syntax becomes short and choppy sentences, which in turn causes each of them to have a separate exploding punch. The punch is perfect for the conclusion,because it ultimately relates to the introduction paragraph while leaving a lasting impression upon the reader's mind.
I will do question 2 in a second my internet is about to go down...
notablog
Question 1:
Thesis- the essay has a strong, evident thesis which is supported throughout the entire essay: “From jingling in pockets to rolling off counters, the penny serves as an essential facet of everyday life, as well as a testament to our national roots.” It answers the prompt and uses varied vocabulary which allows it to be more interesting.
The first paragraph was the hook of the essay. It related the penny to historical figures and monuments which is further explained by the rest of the essay. It captured your attention as soon as it begins. The vast vocabulary makes the essay more interesting and less repetitive.
The sentence structure also varies which keeps the reader interested. He uses all sentences form simples to complex. Each paragraph serves a dignified purpose that is only used to further improve the essay. Another thing that the writer employs well is that he uses mostly all of the sources expect one.
Question 2:
Thesis-“However, that concept is very ethereal, so Barry utilizes comparison and logical hypothetical situations to convey that idea.”
This essay also uses the first paragraph of the essay as the hook. This essay also uses varied diction and vocabulary to further his point. This student also shows a keen understanding of Barry’s text. The student analyzes all of Barry’s points therefore his essay is well written.
These essays are going to give me nightmares. I don’t how I am going to pass that exam because my essays are dirt compared to these.
Molly-
I feel the same way about being scared. These essays are so well written and thoughtout. I feel like i can never be compared to any of them. Now i so sure that i am not ready for the AP exam.
Question 1:
Thesis: “From jingling in pockets to rolling off counters, the penny serves as an essential facet of everyday life, as well as a testament to our national roots.”
The thesis statement for this essay is everything that an AP test grader will be looking for. It is clear and identifiable and encompasses all the points that the author will be making in the upcoming paragraphs. As a bonus it uses humor to individualize itself from other essays ad making reading it more enjoyable.
Mode: The essay is written in the argument and persuasion mode. This is portably the easiest mode to write a synthesis essay in as you are supplied with facts from both sides, but even so this essay was very uniquely written an entertaining. The author used the standard practical reasoning for keeping the penny that every other AP student would use, but they also incorporate subtle and more humorous reasons that really add to the strength of the argument.
TSTD: What I most admired about the essay was the ease that the writer incorporated their sources as well as how the essay seemed to form around the sources without going out of its way. But when thinking about the essay in this way it seems to make the synthesis essay an easy one to write. If you can make a map of the sources in your mind then you have created an outline of your essay.
I didn’t find an extremely effective hook in this essay, although I can see how that would be hard to achieve with this bland topic and strict format rules. The only hook I did detect was the slight humor used in the thesis which could make this essay more appealing than others on the same topic. But overall the introduction to the first paragraph wasn’t anything special, pulling up all the “since the dawn of time...” “Anywhere you look…” crap that is very generic. To me that kind of writing is an automatic turnoff. The following paragraphs were handled much better though. The majority of the paragraphs use parallelism in the structuring of their ideas which I suspect AP readers like. The author also used a lot of effective metaphors when describing the sentimental value of the penny which came very naturally to the essay. Other point scoring aspects of the essay were the constant flowing use of sources and advanced diction. The biggest flaw that I saw was a weak ending that was probably the result of a lack of time.
Question 2:
Thesis: “...Barry utilizes comparison and logical hypothetical situations to convey that idea.”
This thesis is effective because it clearly states the author’s opinion and the answer to the question. However If I was a grader I would be looking for a thesis that was more colorful and inventive eve if that means sacrificing clarity. But this person got a nine so what do I know.
Mode: This is an analysis essay. And as I forget the different types of analysis essays ill just stay ambiguous and keep calling it analysis essay. The key to identifying this was that the purpose of the paper was to indentify and analyze the rhetorical devices of the supplied story. The author did just that, identifying and providing examples of the story’s rhetorical devices and also explaining them and analyzing their effect on the story as a whole.
TSTD: I’m very surprised by the lack of literary devices that these essays have in them. From 9’s I was expecting perfect use and application of allusion, extended metaphors and our many other techniques. But these essays use a very limited amount of skills that I know the writers have. Whether this is from time constraints or other pressures I’m not sure, but I hope to be able to incorporate more of my skills when I take the test. But for all I’ve said against these essays one technique the use excellently is the variation of syntax. The sentences are always varied between simple, complex, loose and periodic which the test grades love to see. I think that this aspect alone increased their scores dramatically. One aspect of structure that these two essays share is their progression of ideas. They seem to keep their ideas simple and limited to each paragraph. This keeps the topic concise and easy to follow for the readers. I tend to expound upon my ideas which is a lengthy and unnecessary process. The intro to this essay is just uninspiring. I mean I can see how it is superior to the other essay’s intros as it talks about the scientist instead of immediately going into the rhetorical techniques. Which in turn is also the hook as the author tries providing a back story before hitting you with facts. Anyway, I always try to keep interesting, thought provoking and usually ridiculous ideas buried within my introductions to make my essay as prominent as possible. But because these essays which go by the book are scoring so well I think it’s safe to assume that the readers would rather have textbook examples of “9 essays” rather than the intricate musings of a semi crazy 17 year old boys mind.
Comment section: I don’t feel as though this blog requires you to read others responses and respond to them (not that I haven’t). This is more for each of us individually to learn from the essays. And I have to say that I feel this is not a blog in the traditional sense, this is an assignment. I miss the weekly thought provoking conversation that usually comes from the blog. And as the meager responses to the blog suggest, other people feel the same. Hurry Bunje and refill the well!
The thesis of essay one is, “From jingling in pockets to rolling off counters, the penny serves as an essential facet of everyday life, as well as a testament to our national roots.” The mode that the essay is written in would be exemplification/ argumentative. I wouldn’t say Illustration because this essay leans so much towards argumentative which is why I had to replace the illustration aspect.
Overall, there was a clear breakdown from paragraph to paragraph with a strong voice. The voice was strengthened through the sentence structure. Rhetorical questions kept the reader on their toes, the pun added wit, and sophisticated vocabulary gave this essay an edge. The writer used nearly all of the sources and that was obviously a main point the grader based the scoring on. The use of facts and statistics created persuasive ethos because the evidence was so concrete. Lastly, the logos was established through all of the rhetorical questions. This proved how confident the writer was and that if you answered the questions then his or her points were valid.
In paragraph one the significance and power that the penny has over our nation is clearly stated. In paragraph two the writer persuades that it would simply be too costly to uproot the penny all together. In paragraph three the penny is exemplified to be a source of national pride. In paragraph four the penny is vital to our pricing system. Paragraph four take the three main ideas and ties them together to make a strong conclusion with a finishing that summarizes the writers stance. The transition into each paragraph makes it seem as though the flow from idea to idea was all coherent. The hook from my perspective was, “On a more personal level, pennies serve as a familiarity to shoppers and cashiers, and bank tellers and customers alike.” I thought that this was an excellent way to establish pathos and it made it more apparent how anyone would be affected.
The thesis of essay two is, “However, that concept is very ethereal, so Barry utilizes comparison and logical hypothetical situations to convey that idea.” In terms of rhetorical modes this essay is clearly a casual analysis. In this essay the writer did an excellent job in determining the literary devices to compose the paper. From the thesis it is shown that the paper will be cause and effect.
In the second paragraph the ethos was established through the writer’s ability to reiterate Barry’s description which convinced the scorer that the writer understood the passage. Also, in the second paragraph the writer sates personal feelings creating pathos or emotional appeal between him or her and the reader. The writer certainly gives credit to Barry thus the reader gives credit to the writer of the essay. In parapgraph’s three, four, and five went into logos and how logical each literary device analyzed scientific research. There was a variety of sentence structure and examples to back up the writer’s analysis. I agree with the scorer when he or she stated, “The response is well written throughout and in fact improves as it progresses.” I am not going to lie, I was board out of my mind in the beginning, but once I gave the writing time it settled in. This writer did an excellent job in analyzing and giving it a humorous affect as well.
These essays are perfect examples and they made me feel worse about my writing. However, learning from them can only make me better. The structure and transition in both essays made me feel as though one idea was flowing into the next. Their abilities to incorporate extensive vocabulary and examples were mind-boggling.
Dev-
“Both of these essays seemed to have that confident tone, making me feel as though the AP graders like that.”
I noticed that as well when I was reading the comments along with the essays. The confidence nearly jumps right off of the page. These two writers said what they felt and wrote with persuasion.
Question 1: Penny
Firstly, I loved this question. The writer also did a great job with the essay and truly was effective. I would have never thought about taking the path the writer did when completing this essay. The vocabulary and literary devices were pretty amazing as well.
So.. Thesis was the last sentence in the first paragraph. The thesis was really well done. I loved the beginning of the thesis “From jingling in pockets to rolling off counters”. It added a great visual for me despite how I hate the chattering change makes from their friction . Throughout the writing, the author is proving his argument with exemplifying points. This could be a writing piece written in the exemplification mode. I’m not sure to really state that it’s argumentative, but that could be because I tend to associate argument with a negative connotation with writing. The essay wasn’t truly argumentative. It was interesting and the personality of the writer definitely showed through, which I loved. It wasn’t bland. Sentences were succinct and the sentence structure varied. There were many instances within the writing where the writer took a risk to add humor. I thought that was admirable because sometimes ridiculous humor can be corny, but his didn’t come off that way. The length seemed appropriate because the points were very conceptual and thorough. He wasn’t reticent. Great essay. It did deserve a nine, especially for the number of sources that were used. I have trouble using sources and effectively adding them into the paper without it sounding awkward. This paper showed me how to do it. Specifically, parallelism and rhetorical question allows the writer to lead from point to point. Each thought is transitioned appropriately with great organization of ideas. What did it for me, the hook, is where he talks about that change is the sake for change. It made me think about that for a second and then resume on to reading. The introduction, the varied sentences, the great flowing pace, and the lack of the traditional aspects of writing like the five paragraph essays or being taught in early English days to write long, tedious sentences made this essay awesome. This was my favorite essay out of every question. I see why he got a high score.
Question 2: Certainty/Uncertainty
This question forced me to dwell on science and how in some aspects its concrete and in others its just not so reliable. Then I dwelled on the fact how uncertainty is like being indecisive, which I don’t see how it can be a tool, especially after talking about having to have some sort of place. I guess you could have a plan and still be uncertain. Thesis exists in the last sentence of first paragraph. I personally didn’t like the thesis. I thought it could be stronger, but I understood what the author was going to write about with the written thesis. The introduction sets up the essay to be a rhetorical analysis. Parallelism, simile, and different references make the writing effective . There is also personable humor, “Charging into God-Knows-What”, which I liked. The author discusses Barry’s writing in a timely way by pacing thoughts and ordering them. Sentence structure aids this by having a variety of sentence types like inverted to complex sentences. ‘As Barry describes the scientific process, he says that uncertainty, in the world of the unknown, must be made a tool-a weapon, even- against one’s own convictions.’ is the hook that perked my interest, however I feel that this should be the thesis because this point is elaborated later, and the thesis is suppose to grab the reader’s attention. The last sentence in the first paragraph is maybe redundant because we know Barry’s intention of writing. I’m not sure, though. That sentence in the intro makes it work excellently.
I read all the essays and the questions. With doing this, I feel like my writing needs a lot of work. I know I have the tools to do well, but I guess I just have a lot to work on. Each essay had a strong voice overall. I lack my own voice.
Molly-
I feel the same way. I think the first step to being confident is like what Bunje said how we have to understand what the question wants. That is the hardest part because there are so many different approaches to writing or to the topics. I can’t wait for 4 weeks to be over. No more fussing about AP stuff. In the mean time, lots to do.
Wooo done before Friday :]
Matt C-
I agree with you. Bunje refill the well soon so I can have something at work to contemplate over, since the economy and Red Robin opening has made Johnny Rockets oh so slow and boring.
Question 2
Just like every other essay, the thesis of this one is embedded within the last sentence of the first paragraph. This little bundle of joy is: However, that concept is very ethereal, so Barry utilizes comparison and logical hypothetical situations to convey that idea. Even with the thesis discovered the rhetorical mode of this essay isn't very explicit. However it couldn't be elusive forever, and was eventually pinned down as being a process analysis, but not in the traditional sense. The writer specifically analyzes each paragraph and its effects on the piece as a whole in a chronological order that moves from paragraph to paragraph. In doing so it most nearly follows the guidelines for what a process analysis paper does.
Onward with the text says text does. In all seriousness, I don't find this introduction hooking at all. The only truly compelling part of this introduction is the fact that it uses a very eloquent diction, which along with the things that are being conveyed makes the writer sound rather intelligent and knowledgeable. In a sense the diction causes the reader to see the students ethos, as if he really has some idea about what he is talking about. Also the paradoxical sentence "it was created from the desire to make the unknown known" plays into the reader's emotions. All humans are blessed with the nature to be curious, and by bringing this nature up in his introduction the student makes a connection with the average curious reader. Usually when a writer makes a emotional connection with the reader the product goes towards strengthening the writer's pathos.
Following the thesis, the writer attempts to bring his first analysis of the body of the piece, but due to his redundancy of the word "unknown" he actually just repulses the reader. However the student proceeds to discuss the original author's rhetorical devices using a few metaphors on the way, which in turn helps strengthen the ethos of the paragraph considering it makes him sound rather intelligent to be correctly analyzing the said devices. In order to further fortify the ethos, the writer incorporates a personal anecdote about how not knowing about the afterlife affects a person's mind. Such anecdote not only shows that the student knows firsthand of what is being discussed, which helps the ethos, it is being said that one the emotional side the prospect is extremely unnerving.
From the first body paragraph, the writer transitions to the second using an effect transition that is dependent upon the main idea in the paragraph before it. Then the original piece is elaborately directly quoted in order to specifically pinpoint what was being analyzed. Following the reference to the piece, the writer incorporates a analogy between Wild E. Coyote and the overall thesis of the essay, which is then compared to the main idea of the original piece. This analogy engages the reader and allows them to have a moment of relief from the abstract thoughts and ideas of sciences, but allows them to think about how the cartoon character and the thesis are related.
In the following paragraph it seems that the writer alters their usual syntax for a humorous effect. This alteration results in a pun being made, which once again puts the reader at ease although this time its from the humor. However, after the humor the student's diction returns to the long and eloquent format that it was before.
The next paragraph is more of a transition from the long description and analysis of the piece's analogy to the conclusion. Here the student sums up the conclusion of the actual piece, using a meager amount of metaphors and similes in order to provide a more clear explanation. In combination with the previous paragraph, the concluding one is a continuation of the actual conclusion. It actually doesn't really seem like the conclusion is a true one, due to the fact it doesn't sum up the analysis very well until the final statement. Instead it just continues to elaborate on the actual message of the piece. Although the final sentence does provide a measure of closure for the essay overall.
Question 1
Thesis – the thesis for this essay is best stated in the last sentence of the first paragraph, “From jingling in pockets to rolling off counters, the penny serves as an essential facet of everyday life, as well as a testament to our national roots.” This thesis is rather general in this instance but it is reiterated in every paragraph’s topic sentence, thus narrowing the point as the essay continues.
Mode – the rhetorical mode of this essay is a combination of exemplification/illustration, argument, and compare/contrast. The exemplification/illustration is found with the passage from broad generalizations to more specific examples to show the thought process of the author as s/he proceeds through the essay. The argumentative portion of the essay bases itself in the persuasion of the reader to the author’s side of the story. This is shown in paragraph 2 where it is mentioned that state economies depend on coins for their income, even though the source that introduced this idea had used it as an incentive for the abolition of the penny. The compare/contrast mode is created by the author’s tendency to look at both sides of the idea before convincing the reader of the superiority of his piece. This both supports the argument and diminishes the opposition in one or two fell swoop.
TS/TD-RRL
The first paragraph of this piece acts as an effective introduction with an immediate hook, “The United States of America draws its strength from its honored traditions.” This hook catches the reader with the use a seemingly unrelated topic in relation to the topic of the penny’s possible discontinuation. The use of the phrase ‘shown our past and our potential’ is not only an effective use of zeugma that foreshadows the essays direction in the remainder of the essay. This paragraph is so effective as an introduction because of the structural strategy of the essay. The transition from broad to specific is a gradual one that is not blatantly obvious to the casual reader. However, to the close observer this argument takes the shape of an inverted triangle to narrow to a point.
The first supporting paragraph is one that contains an immediate topic/mini thesis, ‘As both a connivance and a recognized component of modern American life, the penny is far too entrenched to be easily uprooted.’ This topic is then evaluated and elaborated on by the rest of the paragraph. First the author cites evidence that highlights the negative points about the keeping of pennies, such as the high cost of penny production and the necessary persuasion of so many people watching. Transitions are used within the paragraphs with utmost frequency, with examples such as ‘In fact,’ ‘As indicated by,’ and ‘Thus.’ These transitions are used to move from research to report mode when the writer synthesizes information form a source to insert the topic into the paper.
The second body paragraph is there to structurally support the first two paragraphs. It uses enthymeme to imply that a penny is on par wit the Lincoln Memorial, the Washington Monument, and/or the war memorials. This effectively raises the value of the penny beyond what it is usually perceived as. This increase in value then makes it much harder to just throw it by the wayside. The restatement of the thesis is as follows: “Beyond mere convince, the penny has intrinsic national value.” This restatement continues to sharpen the original thesis into a more tangible idea.
The last body paragraph continues the trend of varied sentence structure. These variations in the structure create a more compelling read that is accessible to all students. The ‘restated thesis’ makes another appearance in this paragraph to give the thesis a more streamlined appearance and idea. This restatement goes like this: “TO rid ourselves of the penny would be change for the sake of change. This punny statement is intended to create an atmosphere of camaraderie between the reader and the author.
The concluding paragraph contains a final restatement that sums up the previous three thesis’s of the body paragraphs and the introduction. This paragraph contains rhetorical question and restates the major points of the argument. Unfortunately the student may have started to run out of time and was rushing on this paragraph. The quality of writing went down and this is one of the few low points on this paper.
Question 2
Thesis – the thesis of this essay is, “…Barry utilizes comparison and logical hypothetical situations to convey that idea.” The idea referred to is that of uncertainty as it is used to combat a minds convictions. This thesis is an effective summation of what the passage is doing.
Mode – the rhetorical mode of this essay is causal analysis, in which the writer explains ‘why did this happen?’ and ‘what did this do?’ The purpose of this essay was to analyze the rhetorical developments of another essay. Thus, the essay itself is not any specific type of mode other than causal analysis.
TS/D-RRL –
The first paragraph contains the intro and the hook. The hook is this, “As Barry describes the scientific process, he says that uncertainty, in the world of the unknown, must be made a tool – a weapon, even – …” The hook is (to me) in just two words ‘a weapon.’ These words invoke a deep curiosity in me as I love science and am interested in seeing how it may be used as a weapon.
The second paragraph starts in the beginning of the passage with the explanation of the relationship between science and uncertainty. It then proceeds through the selection and gives a text says/text does for the essay, however it is much condensed. The paragraphs are replaced with one line explanations. This ts/td is for the relationship between science and uncertainty only. The writer uses direct quotes from the text to prove that his points have solid bases in the work and proceed in a logical fashion after starting off.
In the third paragraph the author moves onto the examination of the analogy between pioneers and scientists. The author uses their extensive knowledge of literary terms to spot and identify numerous examples of varied terms. This depth and breadth of terms comes to his aid in understanding the piece and in analyzing it further. One allusion to Saturday morning cartoons is made with he famous Acme customer, Wile E. Coyote, who famously tests numerous Acme products.
In the fourth paragraph the author uses abbreviated syntax to mimic the questions that it is discussing. This creates a similar feel as the original piece did. The fifth paragraph describes the last part of the essay while brining in historical events that are similar to what happened in the piece.
The last paragraph analyzes the conclusion for significance in the admissions and in the consequences of failure in the academic realm. It sums up a vastly confusing, but well written essay. Bravo to mr.-9-on-rhetorical-analysis-essay!
Overall this essay has a rather large lack of literary devices in general, surprising as that seems to have been one of the important criteria for a ‘good’ AP essay. I feel a little intimidated by the rhetorical analysis essay because I feel that I’m at a loss for what to do. I know the prompt gives instructions but I’ve always been bad at correctly stating what an essay is doing with its rhetorical strategies.
Matt – I agree. I was one who thought that I liked assignments more than blogs, but I feel that this is somehow less enlightening than a blog.
Bunje – I’m sending you mental rain! We have sure had enough in physical Mays Landing, perhaps if it goes to refill your well, it will be spring like in Mays Landing? (one can only hope)
Ali B
Molly-
Personally I think you're worrying too much. Like I said somewhere in my blog: if this is what a nine requires, most of us can do this on our worst days. I didn't think they were amazing pieces that none of us could write. In my opinion we could write circles around what these kids said. Sure they had eloquent diction and effective syntactical structure, but their ideas were lacking. The first one was riddled with mistakes, and rather weak arguments. The second one wasn't even really analysis, but more of a this is what he did. Listen to me, if anything is going to hurt us on this test it's the multiple choice. You are really just stressing out way too much. That's the problem with being in AP classes. You have to learn how to just sit back and let the knowledge and intelligence pour from you. Trying to force it makes you frustrated and you end up having a bad grade. Seriously just relax Molls and it will be easier for you.
-In response to Matt C
Sorry Bunje, I really mean no disrespect when I say this, but I was also disappointed with this blog. I was expecting something wildly exciting, but instead we got the text says text does assignment. However I do understand that by doing this, we as students are being better prepared for the test in that we now know what the readers want. And not in the sense like,"Oh they want to see metaphors and eloquent ideas." More in the sense of we know the backbone of what is truly needed. It's understandable why you gave us this blog, just judging by the looks of the post not many others took much heed to what needs to be done.
Synthesis Essay:
The thesis was, "From jingling in pockets to rolling off counters, the penny serves as an essential facet of everyday life, as well as a testament to our national roots."
I thought the intro was written very well. It captured my attention right from the beginning. Its hook was talking about the traditions and monuments that show the greatness of our country and how the penny is certainly no exception, despite how mundane it may seem.
The overall mode was argumentative. As a synthesis essay, the writer must use the sources given to support his/her argument as effectively as possible. The question asked specifically for the writer to develop a position on whether or not the penny coin should be eliminated, so the writer must be able to persuade the reader into his/her position. However, since the writer has to draw connections from the sources, exemplification could also be a mode.
I couldn't find many rhetorical devices besides those that stand out the most such as anaphora, parallelism, strong syntax and diction, and appeal to pathos. I think what the writer really excelled at wasn't the excessive use of literary devices, but using them correctly and maintaining a persuasive tone with connections that supported the thesis. Right from the beginning, the writer uses strong verbs to increase the meaning of the text. The syntax is wonderfully varied in both style and length, which greatly increases the persuasion of the writing. I couldn't tell if the writer purposely resorted to a 5-paragraph essay structure, but it worked needless to say. Each of the body paragraphs began with a strong statement that referred back to the thesis, clarifying which point of the thesis it will examine. For example, the first sentence of the second paragraph states, "As both a convenience and a recognized component of modern American life, the penny is far too entrenched to be easily uprooted." While it is amazingly well-written, it also has a major impact on the entire essay as a whole because of the connection it draws to the thesis. Right away the readers know that the writer will explain how the penny is a "recognized component of modern American life," in other words, how it "serves as an essential facet of everyday life." The writer utilizes the sources very effectively, drawing connections that are both relevant and supportive. For example, when the author referred to source E in the second paragraph, the connection drawn from the poll was not a simple broad analysis of it. Instead, the writer took the poll and examined what it entirely meant and used a cause/effect technique to strengthen the observation. In the third paragraph, the first sentence, "Beyond mere convenience, the penny has intrinsic national value," connects to the second part of the thesis, "a testament to our national roots." The writer does an excellent job of making the essay very organized by drawing such clear connections. This third paragraph greatly affects the pathos of the readers by using nationalism as a major indirect point. Using monuments such as the White House and Mount Rushmore and how they are carefully protected because of their national and historical importance answers the rhetorical question that follows, "Should the penny be treated any differently?" The author concludes the third paragraph with a very strong sentence appealing to the pathos by saying, "So crucial is the penny as a mark of our national attribute of economy and a portrait of our heritage that to ban it would be to ban a feature of American life." This sentence is not only written beautifully, but it affects the readers by implicitly questioning their love and pride in their country and its history. I think the fourth paragraph was probably the most effective. It took the opposite side of the argument and proved it wrong. It was extremely well written, too, with the strongest statement being "To rid ourselves of the penny would be change for the sake of change." It really showed a lot of insight and definitely made the entire essay more developed. The conclusion was weak, but it didn't even matter because of how wonderfully written and organized the rest of the essay was.
TS/TC Essay:
The thesis was, “However, that concept is very ethereal, so Barry utilizes comparison and logical hypothetical situations to convey that idea.”
I thought the intro was quite boring, but that's probably because it has to summarize the important rhetorical strategies of a boring essay. But I'll give it that it was written effectively given the circumstances.
The mode of this essay is a casual analysis, which is quite obvious since the thesis proves that the paper will be cause and effect.
Throughout the essay, it was very clear that the writer understood the passage by correctly conveying the important aspects of the paper and what they were used for. The writer had amazing syntax structure and used really strong verbs to create great diction, which made the essay so much more effective. Like I said in the previous essay, it really lacks a lot of literary devices, but when the writer does use them they are clear and correctly used, which makes them very effective. Even without the use of them, the writing was so well organized, logical, and understandable that the ideas just flowed naturally and remained successful in delivering an analysis that proved that the writer understood the passage completely. The syntax structure varies with the sentences being simple, complex, loose and periodic, which make the essay less ordinary.
After reading these essays, I know I'm going to fail miserably unless I learn how to manage my time and ideas better. They seem much too sophisticated to be written by 11th graders; I had to use a dictionary to understand some of the words. I think I'll do best on the synthesis essay because after reading the rhetorical analysis essay, it'll be really hard for me to analyze that much and write an organized and well-developed essay about another essay in such little time.
Toni—I completely agree with you about not being able to find your voice . I read most of the essays, and although there was a huge difference between the lower scoring ones and the ones we just analyzed, I feel like what's expected is not quite where my abilities are at this moment.
So it seems in order to reduce bias, the AP warlords settled on one single solution; handing out topics that are about as fun as a Calculus marathon. Scientific method? Pennies? Do they want a critical analysis of a tractor manual too? I mean damn. Would be nice if they gave something with a hint of sparkle to it.
Essay 1 (The penny one)
The thesis is quite clearly written. Planted firmly in the end of the first paragraph “from jingling in pockets to rolling off counters…” it gives substantial information on the author’s position, as well as pointing out his key reasons. Sounds like it fits the definition of a thesis very well. The author also makes sure to explain exactly HOW the penny is so important to American life, something they accomplish before the thesis is presented. This gives the author the entire paper to elaborate.
The mode is a mix of argument and presentation/exemplification. The directions call for the writer to clearly pick a side on the issue, and to logically prepare a well thought-out backing system to support it. All in all, the author does a adequate job of switching syntax, sentence structure, and literary devices. The verbs in the paper are very strong (jingling, uproot, entrench) and I believe that’s probably one of the main reasons why it received a 9. In comparison to the one scoring a six, the verbs are much more varied and wild.
As Jordan said, the author went with the “Go America” approach in his opening to establish his pathos. It’s adequately effective, thought it probably could have used a bit more oomph. Maybe some Colbertesque ramblings couldn’t have hurt (Stephen, Jordan). But then again, this was timed, so taking that into account, the author did a very nice job. They could have given equal playing time to all three reasons, but I’m probably just nitpicking right now. Conclusion was weak, and I’ll say that the author has a parallelism fetish.
The one thing I did find extremely well done was the rebuttal and anticipation of the opposition. By clearly refuting whatever was to come, the author managed to show his knowledge in the topic (providing ethos), and allowing the author to use sources that were not exactly supporting of the side the picked. I’m going to go on a limb and say that this is an important note to consider when shooting for a high score. Refute the opposition!
Essay 2 (The really boring one)
“However, that concept is very ethereal, so Barry utilizes comparison and logical hypothetical situations to convey that idea,” would be the thesis of this bad boy. Maybe it’s because I found the entire topic to be boring as NASCAR, but I lost interest two lines in. I reread it however, and I suppose that as far as thesises (or is it thesi?) go, it was well established. The author gives a backdrop into the definition of science, and gives clear examples to establish a nice firmament for the thesis to stand on. His explanation of the methodical-ness of science is what drives it specifically.
Obviously an analysis paper, for each section of the paper is broken down and analyzed. The author’s intentions and reasoning are discussed, and is a standard critical analysis of a given work. Like the commenter said, the student shows remarkable understanding of the piece, which is obviously the key to scoring well. Now whether or not they BS’d the entire thing, the apt examples toss any doubts away. As long as you have strong reasoning, this section is largely up to the individual to analyze it how he or she desires.
As a whole, the author uses fantastic sentence structures and diction. It’s never overly bombastic or dull (the topic was, no doubt), and is very succinct and strong. The analysis of each paragraph is done with fluidity, as each section is torn apart and analyzed. Assuming the writer is a guy, the way he hops from analysis of ideas to analysis of rhetoric and literary techniques is pretty amazing.
All and all, the two have something that stands out quite clearly; they both show enormous confidence in what they were writing. Never once did they sound meek or unsure, but chained together ideas in a linear order. The way the authors managed to do this was effectively the main reason why the papers received a 9.
...I'm going back to bed.
Question 1:
Thesis: The penny is an important part of our everyday lives, and it’s a national symbol.
The hook of this essay has to be its entire introduction. It is an incredibly interesting wording with a strong active voice. It pulls at any Americans heart strings by focusing on regular everyday core American values which really allows the reader to feel connected. It is a great universal hook that jingoistic person can really gravitate towards, which is aided by the fact that most Americans are very jingoistic. It really starts the essay off on the right foot, and its historical significance starts in the introduction and is constantly expanded upon in the following paragraphs.
Structurally the sentences vary, and it adds to the flow of the essay. It uses a lot of good imagery, to describe things like “from jingling in pockets to rolling off counters.” It also uses rhetorical questions often, but effectively. They are effective because of their placement. They aren’t put in corny spots. They are used in good transitional paragraphs to add meaning to his persuasiveness. The author uses a lot of background information and strong comparisons, like Mt. Rushmore and the Lincoln Memorial.
The vocabulary in this essay is phenomenal. It really adds to the overall meaning, and it makes the essay more attractive. The essay doesn’t sound pretentious it sounds like an intelligent AP kid that knew exactly what they were talking about. It also helps with the passion. Even though it’s a totally ridiculous topic the reader can almost feel that the author has a strong opinion, considering it is only about pennies.
Question 2:
Thesis: That Barry utilizes comparison and logical hypothetical situations to get his point across.
This essay starts with a very logical and straight forward introduction. It is clear, concise and to the point. The introduction catches your eye with its scientific terms. It relays back to the basics of science and uses them to apply to this highly complex scientific article. It makes the article seem understandable, interesting, and it flows nicely. The introduction shows a good grasp on the subject and comprehension. It’s a really strong foundation, which is really important to the other paragraphs.
The author has really good transitions which help the essay’s flow. The author effectively used a metaphor that was clear and made sense. The second and third paragraphs were more of explanation paragraphs. They expanded more on the meaning of what Barry, the original writer, was talking about. He focused on what Barry saw, and how that can be interpreted. The fourth starts a different portion of this essay. This is where the author starts to show the skills they have acquired by using a metaphor effectively to illustrate what the original author did. The fifth paragraph expands on the literary terms Barry used, and the sixth paragraph concludes his second point and winds the essay down. The conclusion is a good representation of the essay holistically. It brings both points together by showing a strong understanding of the content used as well as the literary terms used.
Another thing that really popped out in this essay to me was vocabulary. Comprehension and vocabulary are vital in writing a good AP essay. Vocabulary can really give you a hold on any subject if you have the comprehension to back up what you’re saying. It is a very hard combination that the other four essays lack or they aren’t the other authors’ fortes.
Janiru –
All and all, the two have something that stands out quite clearly; they both show enormous confidence in what they were writing. Never once did they sound meek or unsure, but chained together ideas in a linear order. The way the authors managed to do this was effectively the main reason why the papers received a 9.
...I'm going back to bed.
First of all I totally saw that confidence come out in both of these essays. It was a perfect balance of being sure and using great vocabulary. They both committed to what they were writing about and made the subjects relevant, which is easy to do when you’re confident in your writing. I agree that their confidence is a huge reason they got nines compared to their lower scoring counterparts.
Oh and on another note, back to bed for me as well. :]
Question 1:
"Write an essay in which you develop a position on whether or not the penny coin should be eliminated. Synthesize at least three of the sources of support."
Thesis: "From jingling in pockets to rolling off counters, the penny serves as an essential facet of everyday life, as well as a testament to our national roots."
The introduction grabbed the attention of the reader. When I first read this question, I thought, 'Wow. What a terrible topic. How can anyone make this topic remotely interesting?' And alas, here is the essay to prove that. The introduction uses imagery and is well-written in a sense that was able to set up the rest of the essay.
The sentence structure varied little. The essay used a lot of long periodic sentences, like "As both a convenience and a recognized component of modern American life, the penny is far too entrenched to be easily uprooted.” And “In ridding our economy of the penny, the federal government would first need to confront a public greatly in favor of keeping the penny.”
Aside from the periodic sentences, other literary devices used were imagery (throughout the entire essay) and rhetorical questions, like “Has anyone ever called by destroying the “outdated” Lincoln Memorial?”
Overall, the essay was written in the exemplification mode. It uses many examples and vivid writing. However, in the fourth paragraph, it was specifically in the compare/contrast mode because it stated the reasons for banning pennies, and then refuted the “other side” by downplaying their points. The conclusion was a little weak; it was short and lacked substance. But overall, this essay was sophisticatedly written and created life out of a lifeless topic. Brava.
Question 2:
“Then, write in a well-written essay, analyze how Barry uses rhetorical strategies to characterize scientific research.”
Thesis: “As Barry describes the scientific process, he says that uncertainty, in the world of the unknown, must be made a tool—a weapon, even—against one’s own convictions.”
Although the introduction was short, it had substance in every word. The intro was very matter-of-fact, which was appropriate for the topic.
The sentences were extremely long and tiresome to read. For example, one sentence is “He establishes direction in his second paragraph; as he lists qualities the ideal scientist should have, he ends with courage, and with courage he runs off and further defines how he will use that term.” Sometimes through reading these particular sentences, I lost what the writer was trying to say.
The first paragraph shadows Barry’s basic ideas and introduces the topic, which was defining the scientific process. This idea flows into the next paragraph, which goes into greater detail, breaking down each of Barry’s paragraphs and explaining the meanings of each paragraph throughout the entire essay.
The writer made two references, to Wile E. Coyote and Albert Einstein. Also, the writer used parallelism: “Once progress has been made, order achieved, and certainty restored.”
The mode of this essay was extended definition, for all the essay did was continue to back Barry’s definition of science.
Honestly, this essay was hard to understand. Its topic is something that makes me cringe (Eeeek science!), but the writer seemed to have a great deal of knowledge on the subject. That surely impressed me ha ha.
Mols, you’re right. I feel the same way. I hope I can magically write like this. Because judging by these two 9s, it is basically who can sound “smart.” Which is total crap. I feel like I can make perfectly normal responses without being too verbose. I hope that it is a topic that I can handle. Ughhhhhhh
Hi Lindseyyyyyyyyyy. :)
PENNY
Thesis: From jingling in pockets to rolling off counters, the penny serves as an essential facet of everyday life, as well as a testament to our national roots.
Mode: Persuasive
Overview: Summing up the entire essay, its clear to see that the writer doesn’t simply tell us why HE/SHE as the writer thinks that the penny is important, but rather appeals to the audience as a fellow American and gives us a sentimental aspect of why the penny is important. The author uses this pathos way of writing as a way to connect with his readers and hopefully build up his credibility. This pathos form of writing is strongest in the introduction where the writer does a great job of appealing to our patriotic sense in order for the audience to agree with what he is saying. Establishing tone and a general attitude in his introduction that follow throughout the rest of his writing, the writer continues to present his arguments in concise and clear statements. With each point he methodically creates his opinion, refers to a source, and proceeds to explain its significance. Along with this pattern in writing, is his sentence structure. All sentences are averaged under 20 words showing his attempt at clearly and bluntly making points. The use of between 10 to 20 words shows he’s not trying to lengthen his argument, but make a point and then move along to the next point. This way of writing strengthens his goal of creating paragraphs with tons of information. Also, as part of his sentence structure uses great verbs like ‘uprooted, entrenched, and jingling’, as well as powerful adjectives like, ‘mundane, inherent, and intrinsic.’ Following the first body paragraph with its logos way of writing his factual arguments in a clear concise manner, is the second body paragraph which follows similar structure. Once again the writer doesn’t merely give opinions and weak judgments but actually present the readers with facts and insightful ideas. For example, by comparing the penny to Mt. Rushmore and the Washington Monument automatically gives importance to the penny without the author directly or deliberately saying it. The third paragraph also reveals the writer’s structure by showing that he’s writing to cover all of his bases. Whereas the first body paragraph talks about the penny economically, this second body paragraph goes over the penny’s importance nationally and historically. The third paragraph even proves the writer to be more compositionally intact when he adds a rebuttal as his third body paragraph. The rebuttal paragraph not only rebukes its opposers but also deepens the writer’s argument. The writing in this paragraph also gives towards understanding the writer. Using several sources and going in depth in each show that the writer is a very comprehensive reader who can divulge on the facts presented in the sources. Finally coming to the writer’s conclusion, it is very short and weak, but does do a good attempt at summing up the points he has already presented, “State economies depend on it. Our past is preserved by it. And our traditions are honored by it.” Topping off the essay, it the writer’s use of rhetorical devices. In the third paragraph the writer uses the rhetorical question of ‘Should the penny be treated any differently?’ This only adds emphasis to his point of honoring America’s relics. Then in the fourth paragraph he uses the pun, ‘To rid ourselves of the penny would be change for the sake of change.’ Although its cheesy, he does make a good point. And finally in the last paragraph, he adds another rhetorical question asking, “Has anyone ever called by destroying the ‘outdated’ Lincoln Memorial?” Although it’s weak and doesn’t make any sense, it does show that the writer is willing to take compositional risks in order to get his point across.
BARRY
Thesis: However that concept is very ethereal, so Barry utilizes comparison and logical hypothetical situations to convey that idea.
Mode: Casual Analysis
Clearly this writer went above and beyond what I as a writer would ever think of writing. His diction, depth, and confidence in writing are things that I only wish I could have. Starting with his strong introduction, I think it’s important to note that the line previous to his thesis was a very strong statement that could’ve have been the thesis by itself. Of course, this writer being very talented allowed it to go further and support a more specific thesis. Also the writer constantly refers to outside sources rather than his own judgments when trying to get his point across to his audience. He always, always refers to outside sources such as 15th century scientists or Barry’s points. Finally he uses all of this information to get to his thesis of comparison and hypothetical situations. Second paragraph gets right to point claiming Barry compares and contrasts, then goes in depth on comparing and contrasting Barry’s points. He even uses his own story, or own experience to strengthen his points. In his third paragraph, the writer uses a great connection back to the thesis using analogy. Talking about Barry’s antithesis, the writer reveals to his audience his patience and writing skills. With each point he makes, he makes sure to explain it to the reader through examples or similar situations in his life. I also have to give him credit for using Wile E Coyote as part of his comparison in this paragraph. At this point in his essay, I think it’s important to note the writer’s diction using the verbs, ‘utilizes, charges, flailing.’ Beyond this the writer keeps a consistency of facts and examples from the passage. This shows us how his train of thought is organized and well thought out each of his points are. Also, it’s very important that he constantly reiterates his thesis in the emphasis of Barry’s view on uncertainty and courage. This gives the essay credibility, by ‘claiming this is what Barry thinks’, or ‘this is what Barry find important.’ The fourth paragraph picked up on things that I didn’t even pick up on when reading the passage. Explaining how the Barry asks questions to illustrate scientists, he makes sure to present great insight and clearly, yet effectively explain this view to his audience. He follows this mindset into the fifth paragraph where the writer of the essay tries to translate ideas in the way that Barry was interpreting them. In this, he constantly moves back to the author’s examples, which only strengthen his point. He ends his essay with a strong conclusion with strong points. He uses an analogy along with the chiasmus, ‘the only certainty is uncertainty.’ On a side note I did notice how the writer refused to let any information seep into any of the other paragraph. Each section of the essay is packed full of information that only pertains to the point he’s making in that paragraph. He fits ‘x’ amount of information into one paragraph before moving to the next. As far as his sentence structure goes, each of the sentences was averaged about 25 words. They also are made up of complex and compound sentences, allowing us not to see many simple sentences. This only reveals that each statement had its own loaded assertion. No one specific sentence stands to help another sentence, but each shows its own part of the overall point. Each can easily stand alone.
Molly i agree that if I were writing the peice on Barry's passage, I would have simply talked about the literary devices, and then the amount of depth and insight would have stopped there. Although this way of writing completely inspires me, I have to admit that the way this kid tackled the question alomst seems impossible to me =/
Question 1:
Thesis: “From the jingling in pockets to the rolling off counters, the penny serves as an essential facet of everyday life as well as a testament to our national roots.”
This thesis is both comical and intriguing. It is obvious that this is the thesis making it easy for AP reader to find and credit. This specific thesis strongly supports the penny in our economic system and makes readers feel like the writer really cares about what she’s writing about.
Intro: The entire intro was very strong. The writer shows a sense of American pride and jingoism when she passionately speaks of the American traditions and monuments. She captures readers with her strong word choice and excellent vocabulary. Readers can tell that the writer is confident in her thesis and the other comments she makes. I feel that her hook in the into is her thesis because it humorously uses the sometimes negative burdens as a penny as a essential trait in American society.
Mode: This essay was written in an argument and persuasion mode but also had some illustration in it as well. Throughout the body paragraphs, the writer is defending their opinion and using good ideas to persuade readers. They also illustrate the significance of a penny very well in American culture and tradition during the entire essay.
TS/TD/RRL: The sentence construction of the essay included a mixture of short and long statements that each concluded a point that the writer was trying to make. Not one of the sentences was unnecessary to the argument and each one followed the other in an effective sequence. The author used many strong verbs and adjectives throughout the essay to show readers she is making an intelligent argument such as when she said that some may see the penny as ‘mundane’. The writer also spoke in an active tense, which makes both her verbs stronger and her argument more effective in general.
Her first body paragraph made a good argument that “the penny is far to entrenched to be uprooted.” He or she used exceptional reasoning to show that the negative effects of abolishing the penny would outweigh the benefits. Both the opening and closing statements are strong and hook readers into the argument they are making. The writer uses very good facts and information from her sources to show his or her knowledge. They mentioned many states’ economies which depend on the penny for profit and also argued for the familiarity of the customer and merchant with pennies.
The third paragraph made another strong argument that the penny is “ a hallmark of our nation’s storied past.” Phrases like this, the continue throughout the essay are what hooks readers to the essay. Readers begin to listen to what the writer is saying and agree with many of the arguments.
The fourth paragraph includes a great statement that “to rid ourselves of the penny would be change for the sake of change.” This is a very powerful statement that reasons with readers about the ridiculousness of abolishing the penny ‘just because’.
The conclusion is short and to the point, recollecting all of the ideas in the body and forming them into a few quick sentences that conclude his or her point.
Question 2:
Thesis: “However, that concept is very ethereal, so Barry utilizes comparison and logical hypothetical situations to convey that idea.”
Intro: I felt that the intro was intelligent and had a strong thesis. The writer clearly presents her ideas and defines the method he or she felt that Barry used to characterize scientific research.
TS/TD: The writer begins the first body paragraph with their main idea for the paragraph. They state that “Barry begins by contrasting the strength and conviction of certainty with the weakness and fear of uncertainty to better define the term of uncertainty.” Although this is a little confusing, the writer states the strategies Barry used and later analyzes them in the rest of the paragraph. They use good quotations from the excerpt to further explain and describe their point. The sentences are long, but they seem to reach a conclusion and follow in sequence with one another. The writer uses a personal connection to analyze one of the things Barry said, “it puts a rightful fear of death in my heart.”
The second paragraph analyzes Barry’s shift into an analogy comparing scientists to pioneers. The third paragraph determines the rhetorical questions in the excerpt and the fourth analyzes the analogies in the essay. The conclusion states all of the ideas presented in the body of the essay but with a different wording and approach. Like Question 1, the conclusion seems like a drop off from the rest of the essay, however it is adequate to get a 9. I think they just ran out of time to write a really strong conclusion, but it seems like if your intro and body of the essay is really strong, the conclusion can be short like these were.
I agree with Molly that what got this writer a ‘9’ on the essay was her approach to the question. Many people like Molly said would simply analyze the devices Barry used and explain them throughout the essay. This writer however, by taking a different approach, established a unique style that caught the readers’ attention and set it apart from the other essays. I also agree with Devon though that the second essay was written with great sophistication. It was like reading a professional analysis of Barry and was a little over my head too.
**Overall I feel that my essays are really going to need to be on point in order to get a 9 or a good score. The AP graders are looking for an essay with a good vocabulary and with strong sentence construction. The diction in both of these essays was very intelligent. I feel that if I use the sources well or parts from the reading I, and really attack the question I will do well. I think going into the test confidant and writing my essays with confidence and some passion even if I’m writing about something sort of trivial like pennies, will show the readers something. What I think requires the most work until then is improving my sentences and writing in an active voice. Using literary and rhetorical devices as well as choosing strong words will also improve my writing. Guess that’s why this is death month :)
Penny Essay-
The thesis of this essay is clearly “From jingling in pockets to rolling off counters, the penny serves as an essential facet of everyday life, as well as a testament to our national roots.”
After reading this essay, I was shocked by how well written it was; everything flowed and each technique was used very effectively. I doubted my own writing skills and thought that a junior in high school could not write this. Argument/ persuasion is definitely the prevalent mode in which this essay is written because the other is stating his or her viewpoint and arguing about how it can be regarded as essentially the “correct” stance on this issue. He uses examples from the documents to get there because it is a synthesis essay, so it could be argued that it is an exemplification but overall I believe that it is an argument and persuasion essay.
I applaud whoever wrote this essay. I thought it was very well done how the author did tie in the penny’s actual literal significance to how the penny is significant historically. It made the seemingly dull subject of a penny seem more than just a piece of coinage that we regard with no value. This writer made me really feel his passion for his viewpoint due to his strong diction and varied syntax. His wording did really help to persuade me because it backed up his thoughts. He used the right words in the right areas and his sentence structure was right on tact. I still have a problem with that but reading this essay showed me how much more I need to improve to get a 9. The tone was very confident throughout the whole essay. His or her body paragraphs proved to be effective in backing his thesis and by using the documents effectively it created ethos, which I think is one of the most important things for an essay. If the material is not credible, who will feel persuaded? I felt like the conclusion was acceptable, and I agree with Devon, my conclusions are never too great because I run out of time so I am glad to see that even with this conclusion the essay still got a 9.
Essay 2-
The thesis of this essay is “As Barry describes the scientific process, he says that uncertainty, in the world of the unknown, must be made a tool—a weapon, even—against one’s own convictions.”
It took me awhile to try and come up with a mode for this paper. I read over it a few times and came to the conclusion that it is a casual analysis essay. I thought about what Hilary said about the mode being definition because that was my first feeling, but I have to agree with Ashley and it is a casual analysis paper.
When I think of science, the first thing that comes to mind is “quick to the point”. Scientists don’t like to take extra steps to figure things out, they want to get right to the bottom of things, and that is what came to mind after reading the introduction. It was not verbose, but did in fact get right to the thesis of the essay. After reading the next few paragraphs, I grew bored of it. The sentences seemed to be long, but confident. The thesis was strong and s/he was consistent with backing it up throughout the duration of the essay. It was very well organized and had good transitions but I had to keep forcing myself to focus on what I was reading, because I not only found the topic to be uninteresting, his or her style of writing was too. Even though I thought the penny topic was extremely obtuse, I felt like the author did a fantastic job of making it seem more intriguing than it literally was. Despite that this author could not capture my attention, it was still a well-written essay, but the diction was too “scienc-y” for me. This student is obviously a smart one, and he or she made it known from the manner in which s/him wrote. Still I have to applaud this student for getting a 9! Both of these students rightfully deserved them. That is a feat that I can only dream accomplishing right now. Hopefully by AP test time I feel more prepared than I do now. Reading these essays did help me understand “good writing” though, so I want to try and use this new knowledge effectively.
Dev-
"This is something I struggle with. The student did not let the essay devour him, if only I could do the same."
I know you will do great on your essays. You are a great writer from what I read on these blogs, and I have confidence in you that you will get a high score on the AP test essays.
Question 1: Pennies.....ummm
Thesis:
-”From the jingling in pockets to rolling off counters, the penny serves as an essential facet of everyday life, as well as a testament to our national roots.”
The author uses tradition and history as the base subject for the introduction. He slides in a penny as part of this tradition. The thesis is very effective for two reasons: It helps seal the deal that a penny should fully have a place in in the world; it puts the final piece of the puzzle together. The thesis is also by far the most powerful in the introduction. The diction and tone of the sentence holds a very strong notion behind it.
Mode:
-Persuasion(argument)
The essay obviously would be a persuasive one. However, the author does a good job with the references and with inferences. They make good connections between ideas and implicate the documents well throughout the written
Hook:
-”In the end, the benefits to be reaped by ending the penny are not worth the investment involved”
I felt this to be one of the most effective lines in the entire piece. The author just gets done attacking the logistics of changing with pennies then reinforces it with this. The sentence basically demolishes any idea of the penny being destroyed as appropriate.
TsTd/Critical:
-The author introduces the penny idea in an intro that holds as nothing but strong, the strongest part. The body paragraphs all do a good job at defending their points, if not attacking opposing ideas. The first body is the stronger of the bodies. The conclusion follows up the ideas, but it would probably be the weakest part(which is not a bad thing because even that paragraph is strong)(I believe Devon agrees with me on this)./ All in all, the diction is very good. The vocabulary is extensive and used properly, for the most part. The author tends to be getting weaker with his points in every paragraph, but they are all still pretty strong. The author has an extremely ANNOYING tendency to use phrases like “thus” and “In the end.” The author does use these phrases correctly. I can see why this essay got a 9. Although not totally agreeable on some things, the essay was written in a very short amount of time. Thus, it is debatable. I feel as though maybe the author took to much time, considering all the crossing out, and may have suffered on other essays with time.
Question 2:
Thesis:
-”However, that concept is very ethereal, so Barry utilizes comparison and logical hypothetical situations to convey that idea.”
The author author uses a very effective style for the subject. It's a very deductive type of writing in the intro that is deductive. The author employs synedoche with the make the “unknown known” line. Reasoning that science and this writing tends to employ is employed in this writing. The thesis sets a tone of intellect, if not somewhat pedantic, that we see throughout the essay.
Mode:
-I would have to say the mode is either cause/effect or casual analysis. H etakes a statement from the writing and tends to see arguments in it. I would say it leans more toward causal analysis, only because the cause/effect he goes over is the cause/effect of Barry's writing. It is part of the task to examine the strategies, so analysis would be more likely. However, I'm pretty split.
Hook:
-”Barry uses the example.....rather than a foe.”
To me, just the sheer longevity of this sentence helped make this a hook. The whole entire piece has nothing but good vocabulary and use of words. However, this sentence stands out to me, probably because it's so long. The stand-out sentence among stand-out sentences.
TsTd/Critical:
The entire essay was nothing less than perfect in the subject. The author introduces with a very strong intro. However, I can not decide whether this or the conclusion stands as the better of the two. The whole essay delivers in the standard form the AP test scorers look for and want. The writer uses a synedoche approach throughout the writing. I feel this was a good strategy just because it can be a very close literary technique related to science. The diction is way beyond my level, at least in the matter of time they had to write the essay. A nice use of examples comes with the pioneers in paragraph three. I have to say this essay was probably written by a brainiac.
Question 1:
‘Write an essay in which you develop a position on whether or not the penny coin should be eliminated. Synthesize at least three of the sources for support.’
Thesis: “From jingling in pockets to rolling off counters, the penny serves as an essential facet of everyday life, as well as a testament to our national roots.”
This thesis is formulated so well. It’s strong, and it captures all of his main points effectively into this one, well structured sentence. He clearly establishes his central idea and allows the reader to quickly grasp onto the topic at hand. He makes such a mundane topic seem so interesting... The intro develops an interesting relationship between the penny and our country, which quickly grabbed my attention. I never associated the penny with such historical significance… The writer includes several rhetorical devices within his work. He includes the pun, “change for the sake of change.” The author also poses rhetorical questions on numerous occasions. He also effectively uses anaphora when referring to Source C. The sentence structure varied multiple times to ease the reader through the paper. It keeps the reader interested instead of having to continually read boring, elongated sentences, or sentences short enough to be written by a 10 year old. Rather than have too many simple or complex sentences in a row, the writers varies in a way that’s just right and successfully hold his audience’s attention. Each paragraph continues to draw you in more and more with his captivating diction and syntax, which establishes ethos. This essay overall I believe is argumentative. He, no doubt, incorporates a well-planned and organized argument to support his thesis. The critique even states, “…recognizes the opposing position and develops a persuasive refutation…”The writer uses 6 of the 7 sources, even those on the opposing side to support his argument. He introduces both sides of the argument and refutes the sources that are against his thesis convincingly. Although the conclusion was weak, the reader is still reminded of all the writer’s points and how effective they were. The intro was the hook for me at least, despite the intelligence and sophistication of the rest of the paper. The intro was really the part that caught my attention.
Question 2:
‘In a well-written essay, analyze how Barry uses rhetorical strategies to characterize scientific research.’
Thesis: “However, that concept is very ethereal, so Barry utilizes comparison and logical hypothetical situation to convey that idea.”
He effectively establishes his thesis. He delivers it in an extremely logical manner that clearly states what the rest of his paper will include. This essay overall appears to be a rhetorical analysis essay. Clearly because the question asks for the student to analyze the rhetorical strategies used by Barry. The writer demonstrates a keen understanding of what the question asks of him, the rhetorical strategies involved, and the passage itself. The writer’s sentence patterns exemplify his understanding and ability to make his points stronger and clearer. He brilliantly includes parallelism in the sentence, “…progress has been made, order achieved, and certainty restored…” He refers to Wile E. Coyote to include some humor to keep his audience’s attention on such a boring topic. The essay as a whole was a bit confusing. Just a whisper of science and my mind drifts off. But the writer was indeed extremely smart. I don’t know if I could even muster a paper such as this. I hardly even understand it. He sounds so confident in his writing, too. He certainly knew what he was talking about. The writer didn’t just talk about the literary devices, like most students would have done. He went much further than what was asked of him from my perspective. He took such a complex question and turned it into a mature and effective response. His vocabulary and intelligent thought was extremely convincing.
These two papers are amazingly executed and so secure in what they're saying. My confidence crumbled when I started to read these compelling responses. I’m also hoping for a question that doesn’t involve science. Ew.
I agree with Matt C. I miss the old blog! Our blog has been AP-itized. :(
Essay Numero Uno
Thesis- “From jingling in pockets to rolling off counters, the penny serves as an essential facet of everyday life, as well as a testament to our national roots.”
This thesis reminds me of the one that Mike wrote on the board in class. Due to the score that the writer received, it is a very successful strategy. The thesis is a clean-cut perfect way to get your point across in the small amount of time that you are given. There is no trick or smoke and mirrors, but the writer does do it in a creative and intriguing manner.
I thought the first paragraph was interesting, not too long, and not too short. The hook was the thesis itself, and captures you attention immediately. The function of his opening paragraph is obviously pointing out his key reasons that he will be arguing the rest of the essay.
The mode is a mix of argument and exemplification. Throughout the essay, the writer is showing the reader their side of the story, but also manages to answer the readers uncertainties, answering everything that the reader may be questioning before they even ask it.
TS/TD/RRL-The verbs in the paper are very strong, which is what I think, one of the main reasons that the essay received such a high score. You are never left bored by the language or the structure of the sentences. The sentences vary, and it adds to the flow of the essay.
It also uses rhetorical questions to strengthen points that he has previously stated. The comparison made to other monuments is one thing that stood out to me, and strengthened his argument. The author is continually establishing his audience’s pathos by continuing to hit on national pride and our ‘national roots’. Parallelism is evident throughout the essay, between different monuments and pennies, and other topics in the essay. The author never loses his train of thought, and ends up where it seems like he was planning on going, but compared to all of the other sections in the essay, the conclusion is the most weak. I don’t blame the person, because they aren’t given that much time, and you never know they could have had only a few minutes left to finish off their essay.
Essay Dos
Thesis-“However, that concept is very ethereal, so Barry utilizes comparison and logical hypothetical situations to convey that idea,”
First of all, let me note, I HATE SCIENCE. So if I were ever given a topic like this one, I would just keel over and start twitching on my desk. I give this writer madddddddd respect for being able to stay sane while writing a paper as long and dull as this is. Okay, so the thesis was strongly stated, but a little wordy for my taste, and it felt a little bit like the writer was trying to flaunt his vocabulary. But the author does stick to his point throughout the whole paper.
The writer clearly created an analysis paper. In the given question, you are asked to analyze, and the writer did just that. So I guess that gave him some brownie points. It demonstrates the writer’s knowledge of what he read.
The sentence structure varies, and each paragraph is an analysis of one point, but they all fit together perfectly as a whole. These paragraphs smoothly transition into each other. In the beginning of the paper, the author uses a metaphor, which he later refers back to and analyzes, which is kind of a little bit of foreshadowing. The vocabulary is very intricate yet extravagant. With all of the scientific mumbo jumbo, it felt like I was stuck in the cross fire between unnecessary vocabulary and scientific crap. But that’s just me.
Even though I feel that this essay is dull, it does sound really super genius smart, which once again appeals to what the graders seem to want.
Pennies!
Thesis: “From jingling in pockets to rolling off the counters, the penny serves as an essential facet to everyday life as well as a testament to our national roots.” This thesis statement has the perfect combination of vagueness and specificity. The topic is odd, and I can see how a writer could get trapped between writing an essay that is too vague to make any real point, or too specific to write more than a three paragraph essay. This thesis statement allows the writer to go in a few directions, yet maintain enough definition to give the reader direction while reading the essay.
Mode: The essay is written in the argument/persuasion mode. The writer uses six of the seven sources to synthesize his argument in a very persuasive manner. His position is clear and concise. His arguments are focused and on point, with each one advancing the other.
Now for the heart of the essay. I did not think this was an excellent introduction. A majority of what was said was just repeated in the third paragraph when he spoke of the “intrinsic national value” the penny has. The hook was vague and overused, and caught as much attention as a pasta strainer catches water. But the hook isn’t the important part of the essay because the grader is paid to read it no matter how terrible. The important part is the thesis, and the introduction has an excellent thesis which is backed up with an excellent essay. As the essay progresses, the author delves into his first point, the economic/logistical aspect of the penny. This paragraph appeals to the logos of the reader. Logical statements like, “Thus, anyone who aims to remove the penny must convince two thirds the population of these views.”, Impeccably prove the writer’s point. The writer’s third paragraph is the reason this essay got a nine. It uses a metaphor, rhetorical question, and an analogy to compare the penny to national monuments, all while incorporating two more of the sources and using varied diction. The fourth paragraph refutes the opposing argument, which is a genius way to make use out of the last of the sources. The writer uses logic and a rhetorical question to tear the opposing side apart, leaving a lasting impression on the reader. While the conclusion was weak, it still managed to squeeze out anther analogy and close a very persuasive essay.
One important note about this essay, I noticed a transition sentence at the beginning of each paragraph. While it seems minute, I think these transition sentences give the essay tremendous fluidity and it would not have received a nine without them.
Science!
Thesis: “However, that concept is very ethereal, so Barry utilizes comparison and logical hypothetical situations to convey that idea.” Once again, the introduction was not the most interesting aspect of the paper, but it got the job done. It gave a not too broad yet not too specific thesis which laid the foundation for this work of art.
Mode: This essay was written in the causal analysis mode, which is the perfect choice for this type of essay. The writer takes the action of the author, and deciphers its effect on the reader, which is exactly what the prompt is asking. The writer methodically plows through the essay and analyzes every paragraph’s purpose and effect.
Literary devices are hard to employ when you are analyzing literary devices. So it’s understandable why this essay is lacking in that field, but it makes up for it in an outstanding use of diction and syntax coupled with a high level of understanding of Barry’s essay. The writer progresses through their essay in parallel to Barry’s essay. They go through each idea posed in Barry’s essay and simplifies it. The writer adds a personal anecdote as an analogy between the writer’s experience and Barry’s example about Einstein. In the third paragraph, the writer makes a humorous allusion, which grabs the reader’s attention and helps explain Barry’s point. The writer makes a good catch with in explaining the fifth paragraph of Barry’s essay. I thought the questions were rhetorical too, but after reading the writer’s essay he greater level of understanding of this essay makes sense, and really shows why he or she received a nine.
I apologize if what I end up writing is not what the actual blog was
supposed to be but my computer is currently pulling one of its bitch
moods this weekend and is bluntly refusing to load up the APlangers
page of the web site. Literally. It will attempt to load and then this
little bubble appears stating "Safari has shut down for an unknown
reason" and then I lose my internet for the next three hours. So I'm
going off of the interpretations of what we're supposed to be doing as
spoken by my friends. And I have no idea how accurate that will be
considering that they all had a different interpretation of what we had
to do. And for those of you that don't know how I am then able to
post, i said this once before, I email my posts to friends (i.e. Matt
W) and they post it for me. (Yeah, I love that Matt boy! Thanks a
billion+1 Matty! You're the best! XD)
So here I go!
So for document 1, I guess that I can see why it ended up receiving
such a high grade, but I'm not 100% certain why it received the nine
apart from the fact that it used nearly all of the sources at its
disposal, and I suppose that's that actual reason. Not only did it use
the documents provided that originally supported its view as support,
but the writer was actually able to use the document that did not
support it and was able to prove (or at least state) that its
information was faulty. And if that is how you get a nine on a
question like this, then I suppose it is something that we all should
take to heart, isn't it? What I didn't like was that it felt, well,
bland when I was reading it. I didn't get anything from the writer
other than that he/she was rather eloquent in his/her writing. And no
offense, but when I read something I want my attention to be drawn to
it somehow and in this one, I really just did not care for what the
writer was saying. Though less thought of, I actually found the one
that got a 6 to be a little more fun to read, even though it was
written with less... umph I guess. So I have a few issues with this
one, but whatever. That's just the opinion of one girl. I mean,
what's the sound of one hand clapping? Don't answer that you sneaky
buggers!
On to the next question! I have to say this right now, but I loved
this little excerpt, just putting that out there because it is so TRUE!
By gosh! Yay, Myra found a piece of writing that she agrees with!
Yippee! Anyway, I can totally see how this one received a nine as a
final score. First of all, unlike the first one, I actually enjoyed
reading this one, so that's an automatic bonus for the writer, but what
really sold me was the fact that he/she had a clear, concise course
that was being followed when he/she was writing. Plus, he/she
apparently knew what he/she was talking about, obviously having some
kind of mastery over what literary devices are and how they are to be
used. THis really made what was being said reputable to me as a
reader, I had confidence that what was being mentioned was correct and
found myself agreeing with the interpretations he/she had in the essay.
Plus, there was a Wile E Coyote reference, and Loony Toons is always a
winner.
Now for the third and final essay. I must say now that I hate these
kind of questions, they just annoy me to no end and I Hate them to no
ends! As for this essay, i agree that it did not deserve a nine, but I
don't know if it deserved an eight either. I fund it to be written
similarly to the one in question 1 that got a six. But again, this is
just the opinion of one girl so I doubt if it counts for much. I will
admit that I did not fully know what the thesis of this paper was at
first and was confused slightly by the first paragraph and the change
between the second and third really threw me for a loop. It was
confusing and therefore not one of the ones the Myra enjoyed reading.
No offense, but when I write my essay, I doubt that it will resemble
this one. I just did not like it.
So yeah, I have no idea if that was what I was suppose to do or not so
Oops if what I did was the wrong thing. But, well, Hell! I wrote
SOMETHING didn't I? I only wish that I had a computer that didn't suck
and suffer from mood swings. Never get a Mac unless you're willing to
deal with something that acts like a menstruating woman every once and
a while. Don't get me wrong, I love Macs, but PCs are a hell of a lot
easier to deal with. THey don't give me attitudes like the computers
at home do. GAH!
On the brighter side, I have been listening to R.E.M this whole time
and at least i haven't been trying to push an elephant up the stairs,
throwing punches at things that just weren't there and having a piano
falling to the ground behind my shoulder. I'll take being in the dark
any day!
And again, thanks to Matt W for being such a sweetheart and doing
these little things for me! <3 U!
Question 1 (Penny)
Thesis: “From jingling in pockets to rolling off counters, the penny serves as an essential facet to everyday life, as well as a testament to our national roots." I quiver at this thesis. Its so simple, yet so effective. We all know how pennies act and sound on an everyday basis, but who would have thought that incorporating this simple idea into a thesis could work? It could have sounded totally cheesy, but instead it gives a great visual and opens up with a “readability” factor for the reader.
Mode: argument/persuasion. You can tell off the bat that this essay is meant to persuade you that pennies are necessary in the U.S.. If you only read the thesis statement, you would still know what the essay was going to talk about. That is how you know you have created an effective thesis. This was certainly done. The argument/persuasion mode was without doubt the right choice for writing this essay.
Ts/Td/RRL: The opening paragraph really sets the stage for his whole essay. He connects with the reader by using universal appeal to nostalgia. No one wants to loose their heritage, so the reader is convinced right from the start. He uses periodic sentence structure to keep the reader interested in what he is going to say next. He doesn’t fail to impress throughout the rest of the essay either. He remains consistent and knowledgeable. At the beginning of nearly every paragraph, he uses a periodic sentence that includes the new topic of discussion. He uses relevant points such as “it is an emblem of our thrift, a portrayal of one of our greatest presidents, and a hallmark of our nation’s storied past.” Some of the things he mentions I would never have thought of using to strengthen my main points. Somehow, in every sentence he is able to buttresses his thesis. The diction used is very powerful. Strong verbs and adjectives such as “hallmark,” “ubiquitous,” “intrinsically,” “national pride,” “symbolic,” “secure the survival,” and “unsound,” all bolster his main points. He connects each of the topics with a transition and allows all of his information to melt together seamlessly. His conclusion is short and sweet. It didn’t need to be long because he covered everything he needed to be persuasive in his body paragraphs. The part about the “outdated Lincoln Memorial” may have been a little much, but it didn’t detract from the overall effect of the essay.
Hook: The opening paragraph as a whole acted as a hook for the reader. But if I had to pinpoint one sentence as the hook, “And although it may seem insignificant and mundane, the use of the penny is no exception,” is what did it for me. I wanted to keep reading and understand why I was wrong in thinking that the penny was so “insignificant and mundane.” I was interested in seeing if he could persuade me, and by the end of reading the essay, I was a patriot again (well, I don’t think pennies are worthless anymore at least). That is a powerful essay.
Pace: The pace is even and steady throughout the essay. At the author’s main points, however, he gets a little more forceful and adamant about what he is saying. This is extremely effective and necessary part of an argument/persuasion essay, and he does it well.
Question 2 (Science)
Thesis: "However, that concept is very ethereal, so Barry utilizes comparison and logical hypothetical situations to convey that idea." He sums up what he is going to focus on in this statement. He informs the reader that Barry elucidates some very difficult concepts about science so that whoever is reading it can more easily understand point of view on the topic of uncertainty.
Mode: Causal analysis. The writer of this essay’s goal was to analyze how the author of a certain literary piece used rhetorical techniques and why he used the ones he did. This essay, therefore, is going to be an analysis because of that “why” factor. The writer did an exceptional job at delving into virtually every aspect of Barry’s piece.
Ts/Td/RRL: It was important for the author of this essay to closely correspond to Barry’s essay. The author did a very good job at doing this. He talked about the literary devices that were employed, but more importantly he explained why they were effective and why they were most likely used. His diction is chosen in such a way that makes him seem very fluent in the kind of study Barry is talking about. The writer’s ability to do this convinces the reader that his analysis is correct. He uses humor like when he says, “a polite way of saying ‘charging into god-knows-what, head down and arms flailing.’” This was very effective and made what he said more than a boring analysis on a boring topic. It kept the reader reading, yet it wasn’t overdone. He even makes it more personable by saying, “speaking from personal experience,” when considering the part about the possibility of no afterlife. This also makes his analysis readable and interesting because the reader can relate. The writer uses analogies like “to conceive of uncertainty as an ally rather than a foe,” to better break down Barry’s scientific jargon. The syntax he uses also makes his personal thought interjections flawlessly run into his analyses. He uses parallelism as well to make certain points stand out like when he says, “Barry’s purpose in writing these questions is to simulate the thought process for the pioneer scientist—very uncertain, very entropic.” In the closing paragraph, he continues his analysis, yet concludes his essay in a very interesting way. He uses Barry’s words to explain and wrap up his essay. This is done very well.
Hook: “As Barry describes the scientific process, he says that uncertainty, in the world of the unknown, must be made a tool—a weapon, even—against one’s own convictions.” This was the hook that the writer used. It is a somewhat paradoxical statement, so I wanted to read on to see how the writer was going to clarify what he said.
Pace: He uses a very flowing pace throughout the essay. He is smooth with his diction which makes him seem very knowledgeable. I didn’t think for a moment that he was taking a stab in the dark and hoping to make sense when exploring and commenting on Barry’s essay.
Side note: Was I the only one that read “each of the nine essays” as in every single one of them? Because there are nine all together!!... I feel so stupid. I was wondering why everyone was only talking about two of the essays!!! I was very relieved to finally understand that it meant only the essays with scores of 9. Maybe I need to learn how to read so I can get a good grade on this test.. :)
"The first one was riddled with mistakes, and rather weak arguments. The second one wasn't even really analysis, but more of a this is what he did."
Jordan,
I hope, for future generation's sake, that you don't ever consider becoming an ap essay exam grader haha. But I agree that if we try really hard and focus, a lot of people in our class can do just as good, if not better. That gives me a lot of hope, and especially now that I see you think we have a chance at 9s.
Question 1:
Thesis-
“From jingling in pockets to rolling off counters, the penny serves as an essential facet of everyday life, as well as a testament to our national roots.”
The thesis in question 1 was very easy to find. As in most essays, it was clearly spotted at the end of the first paragraph (last sentence). I actually happen to really like this sentence because it is very firm, yet it appeals to all audiences because we’ve all had these experiences with pennies. From there, his position was clear and set up to be further discussed.
Mode-
To me, the mode of this essay seems to be a mixture between argument/persuasion and illustration/exemplification (and I believe this is some-what possible). His/her purpose is obviously to persuade the reader into believing what he is arguing, however, to do this, the student uses many examples, naturally, that illustrate and support all that he is trying to prove. The student manages to work his/her thesis into each paragraph very effectively and does not switch positions.
TS/TD, RRL-
First of all, the author’s diction was fantastic. Every verb and/or adjective used was precise and drew an extremely vivid picture. Like a good introduction should, the first paragraph clearly provided the author’s standpoint as well as the topic that will be discussed. The second paragraph, he/she explains that the gains from eliminating the penny are not worth the trouble it will be to actually go through with it. Two sources (E, A) were used to support this view which turned out to be quite efficient because E (especially) provided a poll of how the American people felt about this change. It was factual evidence that exposed how many people wanted to keep the penny already! In addition, the third paragraph used examples that tuned into the readers emotions (pathos) which was a very good move considering the question deals with a very important American symbol. By stating how the penny has such “intrinsic national value,” the author was able to express its importance in our society. The concluding paragraph began with a bold concluding statement. It is then followed by short, choppy sentences that were extremely effective. This student surely deserved a “9”.
Lit. Devices/Sentence Patterns/Structural Strategies-
The structures and patterns vary a bit, obviously enough to get a “9”. He/she varies their syntax to increase the effectiveness of each sentence throughout the entire essay. A rhetorical question was used as well (“Should the penny be treated any differently?”) which can be very useful. In paragraph three, I spotted an anaphora when using source C; the student summarized three points made in source C and portrayed it in an anaphora to make them more powerful. As I stated earlier, the author’s word-choice was right-on-the-dot. The use of such prestigious words took the place of common ones which kept his tone and position intact.
Intro-
Although all the paragraphs were written very well, the intro was the most interesting, fluent, and catchy. The focus of the essay was clear along with the author’s position which is extremely important. The student did a great job of getting the readers attention and clearly introducing his/her thesis.
Hook & Pace-
Every time I try to find the “hook,” I simply look for where I was most drawn into the essay. Whether it as one sentence or five, the “hook” is usually noticeable if there is one; and there definitely was in this essay. “Change for the sake of change” was the cutest and most insightful hook ever! It reveals the penny’s importance now and then and is added throughout the essay for effect. Time was not wasted when writing this essay, I can tell. The author moves from point to point, but very clearly, not jumbled and misunderstood.
Question 2:
Thesis-
“However, that concept is very ethereal, so Barry utilizes comparison and logical hypothetical situations to convey that idea.”
The student’s thesis was fairly easy to point out because of how straight-forward it is. With his vivid use of vocabulary (a little too much for my liking, but I’m sure the scorers enjoyed it) he was able to provide a thesis that relayed insight to what will be discussed later in his essay.
Mode-
Overall, this essay seems to be in the process analysis mode because the question asks the student to; “analyze the rhetorical strategies used by Barry” (strategies being the process?). Either way, he/she proved to have a good understanding of the passage, its rhetorical strategies, and what affect it intended to have by divulging into every paragraph and basically doing a TS/TD but in essay form.
TS/TS, RRL-
The student’s thesis was again, very clear right from the start. The first paragraph consists of an introduction to the topic of the essay as well as outside information (scientific method) brought into play that clearly appealed to ethos. However, I don’t find it to be very “hooking,” but it may just be the nature of the question. Later in the next few paragraphs, the use of varied syntax is present in this essay repeatedly; sentences are complex, loose, periodic, simple etc. Ideas keep coming and are clearly written (for the most part). The student continues to discuss Barry’s rhetorical devices while throwing in some metaphors and other literary devices. He/she uses very good transitions that make the essay flow. The fifth paragraph expands on the literary devices Barry used while the conclusion paragraph calms the essay down and ends it with a few summarizing sentences (finally!).
Lit. Devices/Sentence Patterns/Structural Strategies-
The devices I could clearly recognize were: the subtle metaphors used in the body paragraphs, a simile in the fourth paragraph-“as though the writer was bouncing from idea to idea very quickly”, and parallelism when he/she said, “Once progress has been made, order achieved, and certainty restored.” There might have been more, and there probably were because I doubt only three literary devices would get a “9,” but they were fairly well done anyway. The author doesn’t really use a pattern—he/she varies their sentences (syntax) in an efficient manner throughout the essay. The writer analyzed each of Barry’s paragraphs in a chronological form to achieve sufficient structural strategy while also using many transitions.
Intro-
I thought the intro was extremely boring. Besides the fact that the student used evidence from his own knowledge, I probably would have stopped reading the essay right then and there. I’m not saying it’s terrible because it does what it is supposed to do, but it wasn’t catchy so I wasn’t interested.
Hook & Pace-
I believe hook is determined by preference, generally; some people appeal to certain things more than others. But I was not able to find a hook in this essay. Unlike the first essay, the pace in this one was much quicker to me. I felt it moved from idea to idea very rapidly, however I’m not sure whether it was done accidentally or on purpose. The time constraint may have affected this student more than the other one.
Ashley-
"The hook of this essay is “-one’s convictions requires a far greater courage, to conceive of uncertainty as an ally rather than a foe.” (last sentence of second paragraph) This sentence gives a personified view of the word “uncertainty”, but it also shows a unique creativeness in writing. Plus, it given a reinforced view of Barry’s beliefs. "
I couldn't really find a hook in this essay, but when I read what you wrote right here, it opened my eyes a little bit. I supposed you can consider that a hook if it actually hooks you (now I see how it could). It is very creative, like you said, which could have been what he intended to create.
Essay 1: BORING
Mode: Persuasive.
Thesis: “From jingling in pockets to rolling off counters, the penny serves as an essential facet of everyday life, as well as a testament to our national roots.” Excellent thesis, and puts the penny in a respectable light, comparing it to national monuments.
analysis bit: Ze hook is located in ze opening paragraph, directly proceeding ze thesis statement. “And although it may seem insignificant and mundane, the penny is no exception.” When it says the penny *seems* insignificant, and implies it isn't, the reader is compelled to find out why not exactly. I'm not sure what device it is exactly, but when the guy talks about change for the sake of change, it hits home, and is really well timed. The essay though, perhaps reflecting a lack of outside knowledge, seems to be merely regurgitating the sources, rather than developing a point of his own. The bit at the beginning about national history and emblems is good, but it falls through by the third page, where he starts to use my strategy for DBQ's. Mention a point, develop a rather weak reason it supports your case, mention the source you stole it from, move on before the reader can realize you didn't actually say much of anything. A strong intro, and when it harks back to said intro, a fair paper, but other than that, it's only spitting the sources back at the reader. I think the pace is what saves him. He can move far enough and quickly enough on sources and logic that the reader will forget that none of them are all that developed, and is overwhelmed by the sheer mass.
Side note: Just saying, this essay reads like the kid was bored. I can kinda see why it scored in the higher section by their bracket, but it would've probably been a C at most if turned in as an actual essay. I have no idea how this got a nine.
Essay 2:
Mode: Explanation
Thesis: “However, that concept is very ethereal, so Barry utilizes comparison and logical hypothetical situations to convey that idea.”
Analysis bit: He uses a fair bit of comparison in his essay, as with the comparison of no assumption without proof as compared to the afterlife. He uses a bit of allusion to explain the cliff point as well. (Hehe... Wile E Coyote... SCIENTIST?!? run road runner...) His hook would've been right around the thesis, and even includes the thesis, where he explains the point, then condemns it as ethereal and offers to explain how it makes sense. It encourages the reader to find out how, giving him all the hook he needs.
The literary techniques here are sparing, being that we're doing our RRL/TSTD on an essay that essentially is an RRL/TSTD, but this guy doesn't seem to let much slip past him, and well deserves the nine.
Side note: This one actually seemed like it was written by someone with a brain. That could just be a better topic talking.
In a grander sense, the only similiarity I notice is that the 9's are both a lot longer than the others.
@Matt: I'm agreeing with you on the hook, and I thank you for explaining how 'change for the sake of it' was another hook. I saw that in Sara's and didn't really get it until you explained it. Domo.
@Jordan: On essay one, agreed. How this managed a nine, I've no idea, and if we all don't get one, it's killin time.
First, I would like you to determine the thesis of each of the "9" essays. From that, see if you can determine in which mode they are written. Then, critique them by doing a combination TS/TD and RRL combined. Talk about lit devices they used, sentence patterns you see, structural strategies of note etc. Talk about the intro, and why it works; what the hook is and how they pace the work. Dig, dig, dig and find the treasure that the college board seemed to see.
The scoring commentary should give you some pointers obviously, but go deeper then they do and really use what you've learned to see what it is about these essays that made the scorers react to them so favorably.
PENNIES
Thesis: “The penny serves as an essential facet of everyday life, as well as a testament to our national roots.” The essay is dedicated entirely to supporting this stance and at the end, it sums it all up by stating, essentially, what the thesis was again.
Mode: It’s an argumentative essay. It focuses on its thesis and backs it up while at the same time recognizes and counters the opposing stances. Also, because this is also a synthesis essay, the writer uses the passage to their advantage while supporting its thesis. The mode would be Exemplification because of its use of examples from the several passages to back up its main point as well as the back that it ended up embodying an abstract idea which is the thesis and building on it.
The Big Evaluation: Because it followed the traditional five paragraph essay format, this give the essay a very organized feel to it. It started off broad and, with each new paragraph in the body, went specifically into three reasons why the penny is important and should be kept. A rhetorical question was used, “Should the penny be treated any differently?” to make the reader think and, in doing so, agree. The diction of the piece gives it a very informative and intellectual tone. He uses words like “mundane”, “facet”, “entrenched”, “”inherent”, etc. which are better than using “ordinary”, “surface”, “fixed”, and “innate.” Using long, wordy sentences, the writer got most of what he needed to say out and gave enough details to support his stance. With the occasional short sentences, they quickly brought the reader’s attention back. A good example would be the first sentence of the essay, “The United States of America draws its strength from its honored traditions”, which leaves no room for argument and hooks the reader in right away. This makes the reader want to continue reading. The introduction itself was full of transitions from that line to how the penny “serves as an essential facet of everyday life as well as a testament to our national roots.” This made the reader see how the penny was significant and made it a bit more personal to the reader who, most likely, is an American. From there, they talk about the penny’s usefulness as it is both a “convenience and a recognized component of modern American life” then backs up the point with various sources to show the inconvenience of changing. They then continue to talk about the intrinsic national value that comes with the penny and proceeds to put it on the same level as other great monuments (the Washington Memorial, the White House, Mount Rushmore) to make the penny even more important and should not be changed. Afterward, it refutes the claim that the penny is useless with the use of the sources. It wraps it all up in the end, “simply put, the penny is too valuable economically and historically to be banned.” Each paragraph was directly related back to the thesis. It is also really good how the writer made us agree with them without the use of too many rhetorical questions. That in itself takes a lot of skill. They used a lot of transitions throughout the essay, (““simply put”, “such as”, “in the end”) as they went on to each idea. This ended up making the pace of the piece really clear and set a tempo for the piece. It was really well done. They did a really good job making the other side look like complete idiots to put it simply with their outstanding use of the sources and pathos, appealing to the audience with its “fighting for the underdog” attitude. Go, person who got the 9!
UNCERTAINTY
Thesis: “However, that concept is very ethereal, so Barry utilizes comparison and logical hypothetical situations to convey that idea." With this line, the reader is already getting ready to start to explain Barry’s essay.
Mode: The essay is a rhetorical analysis of Barry’s. I have to agree with all those that said that this essay would be classified as Causal Analysis. He explains the techniques and strategies used and what it did; the cause-and-effect relationship. I’ll admit, that first, I thought it was it would count as exemplification because it gave examples but then again, it spent most of its time dealing with the cause-and-effect dealio.
The Big Evaluation: The first paragraph starts with “scientific research is made to be done methodically.” That was the hook for me. It starts off already on a different track as Barry spent most of his time talking about uncertainty, but as the writer continues, he pulls it back into what Barry wrote about uncertainty and science. He also mentions the scientific method, appealing to ethos because it wasn’t in the passage. The introduction was really good and it made me interested in what he had to say, which is always a good sign. From there, he goes on to discuss how Barry uses analogy and what it does for his essay. He uses humor to draw the reader in and make them want to continue reading. This essay has powerful diction and every word has purpose and meaning. The student then takes the “uncertainty” and goes on to talk about Barry’s use of antithesis. He explains how the author used it and why it was helpful to Barry’s piece while giving some examples too. He uses humor to continue garnering his reader’s attention as his essay continues to build up momentum. After antithesis, he goes to Barry’s “unique” use of rhetorical questions. He speculates how these rhetorical questions are like the scientist mind. They are short, and choppy, which was a really good analysis, I think. Then, afterward, they bring up another analogy and use it to explain the diction of the passage. The student comes off as someone who knows what they’re talking about which earns them a whole ton of other points. They conclude the essay by pulling everything together and restating their thesis. The punch had got to be “in the end, Barry managed to evince that the only certainty in science is uncertainty” (which could possibly be paradox if you just started with “only”). That was the icing on the cake. He used a lot of humor, which I really liked. He also made references to Wile E. Coyote, which has got to have given him some major points. His sentences were varied as some were simple, somewhere compound, others were periodic and so on and so forth. It was great that the writer ended up not following the five paragraph essay formula and still ended up making it organized and clear. This is probably because they found four rhetorical strategies to talk about, but still, they were all used to support his thesis which is all that matters. This essay was paced nicely. It went smoothly from idea to idea. It was too awkward though because each paragraph had different rhetorical strategies to talk about, it was a bit strange. But I think that the ideas came together very nicely and it’s quite clear how this essay got a 9.
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To Ashley:
O.O;;;;;;;
Dang girl! You really got this, don’t ya? Dang!!! I have to say, well done, an outstanding job! You really deserve a standing ovation. It must’ve taken you awhile to get it all done, but you really picked those essays apart, and for that, you deserve to be commended. That’s just, you’re amazing, Ashley! XDDD Always!!! Oustanding!
To Matt:
“Side Note: This second analysis was odd, we were practically doing a TS/TD &RRL of a TS/TD &RRL. It just seemed strange is all I’m saying, and, no, I am not complaining, just voicing my opinion.”
My thoughts, exactly. I found it kinda funny and it made it all the more interesting to do. You are amazing too. You also picked at the essays, dissected the suckers, and gave “holy cow!” evaluations. Nicely done!
The Penny Essay:
Thesis = “From jingling in pockets to rolling off counters, the penny serves as an essential facet of everyday life, as well as a testament to our national roots.” This is clearly the thesis because it gives significant information on the author’s views, though it seems a bit generalized. However, it is broken down into more detail in the following paragraphs.
Mode = Persuasion/Argument
The author writes in a very persuasive manner to which the reader has difficulty not to believe his words. It is also argumentive as the author synthesizes the majority of the sources to gain a good foundation for his/her paper.
Critique = The flow is good, and the vocabulary usage impressed me a lot. Though you do not like it, it follows a 5- paragraph writing format. This technique keeps it easy to follow, and very organized. It’s basically setup as: Introduction, 3 supporting reasons, and the Conclusion. The author uses different sentence structures. They varied from long to short. This kept the reader’s attention by always switching up the order. The diction seems very informative and detailed. With his precise details, the authors paper drew pictures in the reader’s mind.
Introduction = The essay’s author related the penny to famous, historical people and things which kept the reader hooked. It flowed perfectly, and had a good pace to it. The entire first paragraph as a whole just hooked me in. It was very interesting and just kept my attention because it sparked my interest.
The Science Essay:
Thesis = “However, that concept is very ethereal, so Barry utilizes comparison and logical hypothetical situations to convey that idea.”
Mode = Causal Analysis
The essay analyzed what techniques and devices were used in an excerpt, and explained why these techniques and devices were used.
Critique = The author of the essay did a fantastic job at analyzing Barry’s essay in detail. He explained effectively what literary devices were being used, and why they were being used. He, the essay’s author, also used humor to keep the analysis light and interesting. The flow is also very smooth, filled with good transitions. Metaphors were used to illustrate what the excerpt’s author originally did. The essays goes from general to detailed and then back to general again, a writing style that is frequently used and easy to follow. Furthermore, the essay’s author doesn’t abide by the 5 paragraph rule, which adds a different and refreshing edge on his essay. There was an Intro, four body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
Introduction = Okay, this is just me, but I thought this was a pretty mundane topic, let alone intro. It was straight-forward, and utterly boring to me, which led to my eyes slowly shutting. I didn’t wish to even finish reading about this subject or essay. There was no hook for me. The pace seemed alright, the sentences seemed not over-extravagant or too simplistic. It didn’t drag on, though it probably took longer for me to read just because I kept falling asleep!
*Currently listening to: “One Step At A Time” by Jordan Sparks!
Molly -
I know what you mean. I think I'll freeze up during the test, and forget how to write adequately. Hopefully not though. I want to write good because I know I can when I want to. However, sometimes I just blank out. I hope we'll be O.K. though girll!
Question 1:
The introduction of the piece is definitely of note. It begins by describing the monuments of the United States, which, without doubt, would bring great images to the mind of the reader. This is the hook. It’s able to make even the most mundane of things, a penny, seem important (it isn’t). It sets the thesis with the last sentence, saying the penny is essential, and something as great as the monuments themselves. The mode is persuasive, not that there are many choices.
The essay as a whole is definitely well done. Though there are sentences that made me raise an eyebrow more than once, that’s to be expected from an essay with so little time. The first paragraph has a colorful choice of words, and quickly establishes the idea that ridding the world of the penny is ludicrous. There doesn’t seem to be much of a flow between the “near impossible” and “state economy” points, though.
Though I find the argument a bit silly, the second paragraph is logically sound. Once again, by bringing up images of well-known monuments of America, the writer is able to increase the importance of the simple object known as the penny.
The third is effective in proving the opposite side wrong. It uses situations from life, and throughout the world to prove the point. Once again, varied and straight-forward
The conclusion is decent. The writing is good, but it’s a bit unfulfilling. It just repeats, instead of really finishing.
The most notable of the literary devices used is the rhetorical question. It is used regularly, and well. There is some parallelism, but it doesn’t really stand out, except in the final paragraph, which doesn’t help much. The most notable of all is the analogy of that discontinuing the penny is the same as destroying monuments. This became one of the main themes in the essay.
Overall, I wouldn’t give it a perfect score, but I’m going to assume 9 is more of a “has everything we need, while written well enough” score.
Question nombre deux:
The introduction is several levels of completely standard. It has everything needed. But it lacks flair. The hook is most likely the mention of the scientific method being a weapon. But frankly, a rusted weapon doesn’t make a good hook. It was a lunge, but it missed. At least it leads to the thesis quite well which happens to be the last sentence once again. The mode is causal analysis. Because.
I begin to dread this essay, as I realize how incredibly dull it is. But I’m going to assume that isn’t what it is rated for. There is humor spread about, but it’s drowned out by the formal analytical tone. The humor stands out, but standing out isn’t always a good thing. The analysis itself is sound though, using techniques such as life experience.
The same as before. The analysis is sound, and the explanation of the antithesis is quite well done. As the AP graders have said, “Wile E. Coyote” adds a bit of flair. Though, he doesn’t seem to know a golden rule of humor. It isn’t funny if you have to explain it. You’ve reached the punch line! Shut up!
Somehow, the writing seems to lighten up. It begins to seem more natural. It’s the last body paragraph, yes, but it’s a good change of pace, likely making the ending, and the piece as a whole, seem much better. It seems to use hyperbole, even though the number used doesn’t seem all that impressive. Oh well, it has improved, and the analysis is as good as always.
The conclusion is consistent, and draws everything together without being too repetitive. As always, it is well written. It also seems to use a paradox. Frankly, I’m too confused to figure out whether or not it truly is one.
This is well written, but frankly, it’s boring. I don’t like it, but it’s 9 worthy.
Wait, did I just analyze an analysis?
In response to Sara VP:
“Hook & Pace- Every time I try to find the “hook,” I simply look for where I was most drawn into the essay. Whether it as one sentence or five, the “hook” is usually noticeable if there is one; and there definitely was in this essay. “Change for the sake of change” was the cutest and most insightful hook ever! It reveals the penny’s importance now and then and is added throughout the essay for effect. Time was not wasted when writing this essay, I can tell. The author moves from point to point, but very clearly, not jumbled and misunderstood.”
For me, trying to find the “hook” in both essays was the most difficult task. It was my understanding that the hook should come in the beginning of the essay in order to get the reader’s attention. Nevertheless, I do like your strategy of just looking for the place in the essay you are most drawn to. I also never thought of the hook as being more than one sentence, so I’ll make sure to keep that in mind for the AP test. Additionally, I agree with you in saying that the writer did not waste any time when writing this essay. I was actually thinking about this essay while I was on vacation. I dreamed that on the exam day I was so nervous about the essay that I wrote about five sentences, and then just gave up. I am hoping that this dream does not become a reality even though I do tend to get very nervous and write poorly when under a time constraint. Oh well, all I can do is try my best.
Essay 1: Thesis- “From the jingling pockets to rolling off counters, the penny serves as a testament to our national roots.” This thesis is very well written because it clearly developed and reveals the writer’s standpoint on the writing prompt. The rest of the body paragraphs are used to support and defend this thesis. Of course, exemplification is used due to the fact that it is a synthesis essay. However, the mode of this essay is argument/persuasion because the writer’s purpose is to convince the AP graders to think the way he does.
The introduction captivates the readers from the very beginning. The first sentence, “The United States of America draws its strength from its honored tradition,” seems a little weak as a hook, but the writer continues on to appeal to the audience by relating the topic of the essay to something that well have in common- the fact that we are all Americans. The body paragraphs had varied sentence structures, but the writer tended to stick to periodic sentences. For example in the first paragraph, “On a more personal level, pennies serves as a familiarity to shoppers and cashiers, and bank tellers and customers alike.” In the second paragraph, he utilizes a rhetorical question and continues to use this device in the next paragraph as well. In the third body paragraph, the author revels his knowledge of the opposition and successfully refutes the opposing points. All of this helps to strengthen the writer’s argument. Between each paragraph, he also has vey good transitions. This made the organization clear and helped tie in all the paragraphs with on another. The conclusion paragraph seemed to be the writer’s weakest paragraph. The writer may have ran out of time, but he still managed to summarize his main points. Overall, the writer’s effective use of the sources given strengthened his argument and proved that he had a good grasp on the essay’s topic.
Essay 2: Thesis- “However, that concept is very ethereal, so Barry utilizes comparison and logical hypothetical situations to convey that idea.” The thesis of this essay helps the audience known what the rest of the essay will entail. Even though, it may seem a tad general o broad, the writer elaborates further in the proceeding paragraphs. The mode of the essay is casual analysis because the writer’s purpose in writing is to analyze how John Barry uses rhetorical strategies to characterize scientific research. Throughout the body paragraphs, he continually states Barry’s rhetorical and literary devices and then go on to explain its implications.
The introduction paragraph was chalk full of logic. For example, “There is even a widely known “scientific method” created in the 15th century based on reason and common sense.” This convinced me on the writer’s understanding of the topic. It also provided background information to help the audience understand the topic too. For each paragraph of Barry’s account, the writer does his own form of text says/text does and describes how each of the paragraphs contributed to the piece as a whole. He also elaborates on Barry’s use of literary and rhetorical devices, such as his use of antithesis, rhetorical questions, and analogies. In his body paragraphs, the writer makes many references to Einstein as well as Wile. E Coyote. At one point, he had good use of humor, which was the hook for me. In the first body paragraph, the writer said, “Courage to Barry, is not venturing into the unknown which is a polite way of saying, “charging into God-knows-what, head down and arms flailing.” I found that highly hilarious. The writer’s pacing seemed to be very good because all of his paragraphs were strong. They all had different forms of sentence structures and flowed nicely with one another partly due to transitions. Fore a timed essay of 40 minutes, I think this student did an outstanding job, I just hope I can do just as well!”
Devon- I always have trouble with my conclusion too! My conclusions are usually always weak. It’s partially due to time constraints. I find myself just jotting something down just to have something before time runs out.
This is hopelessly late, and for this you have my sincerest apologies. Unfortunately, during my time in Virginia, I developed a severe throat infection which caused my tonsils to swell to the point where they were touching and spewing bubbles of pus, as well as finding out that I had come down with a case of mono. Fun! So, needless to say, I've spent the past few days laying on the couch in a stupor, grouchy, tired, and devoid of all intelligent thought. I didn't actually move at all, to be honest, except for when Jordan came over to babysit my brother and I while our parents went out to dinner, and even then I only really rolled around from side to side and demanded for ice, ice cream, and hot tea. I know I'm going to be out all this week, and possibly some of next week, but my mom is probably going to shove me out of the house and onto the schoolbus shortly. And as much as I'd love to be curled up in a ball in my bed, sleeping (similiar to how I spent most of my day), my undying dedication to Lang has caused me to throw back the covers, put on my thinking cap, and complete not one, but TWO of the blogs. However, I do apologize if they're a tad.. incoherent, because writing that last paragraph has already worn me down. I'm ready for a nap. Alright, enough with the excuses. Oh, and PS: JMas, I feel your pain!
Question 1:
The thesis here is "From jimgling in pockets to rolling off counters, the penny serves as an essential facet of everyday life, as well as a testament to our national roots." I thought the opening paragraph was well written, considering the time restraints, and it is obvious from the somewhat persuasive tone that the essay will follow the path of an argumentative synthesis... if such a thing exists. The author comes out with a clear point of view just in the first few lines, and it is obvious that he is attempting to sway his readers into sharing his opinion on the matter. As for the structure of the essay, the author employs little sentence variation, and although a large majority of his sentences are compound or complex sentences, there is never a winded or drawn-out feel to any of his points. In terms of literary devices, rhetorical questions (a personal favorite of mine) are used in order to strengthen the author's point. All in all, I felt that this essay was well written and extremely well thought out, especially considering the time restraints. I commend him on his ability to plan and write a clear and persuasive essay like this one in such a time bracket and environment. Good job, essay one!
Essay Two:
The thesis in this essay is "However, that concept is very etheral, so Barry utilizes comparison and logical hypothetical situations to convey that idea." I thought that the general message of the introduction was good, and although there may have been some sentence structure issues towards the beginning, I can't fault him for that (especially since I'm probably incapable of writing an essay this good myself). The mode of this piece was casual analysis or exemplification, because the author gives an example from the piece and then analyizes and processes it.
I'm exhausted. On to blog number two!
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