I love words.
Good thing I suppose, given my chosen and hard-fought-for occupation. Every time I sit down at a keyboard or have a pen poised over a blank sheet of paper, I feel overwhelmed with excitement, with possibility, with anticipation. With a few key strokes or swipes of a pen, you can find the right combination of words that can make someone LOVE you. Conversely, you can break a heart, manipulate a mind or sever an allegiance…all with those same strokes or swipes. Think about that. Legends are immortalized because of words. Nations go to war over words. Couples are united in matrimony with words. Hearts and lives are shattered due to words. The power they wield is, in a word, awesome.
“Every time I come around the corner and see your car in the driveway I get sick to my stomach.”
I sat on the couch during yet another face-off with my mother when she let fly with that condemnation, effectively shattering any sense of comfort and belonging I may have been clinging to at the time. I was 17. I’m 38 now, and I can hear those words in my ear as clear as if they were uttered 10 minutes ago. I can’t say that it was those exact words that led to the eventual, unsurprising demise of my relationship with my mother, but I know it was certainly a huge chunk out of the already crumbling foundation. It stands, to this day, as one of the worst things anyone has ever said to me.
But, as I said, words are powerful. They have healing properties. Let me give you a scenario. I was visiting a friend at what is now, TCNJ (then it was Trenton State College). My boyfriend of about a year had just broken up with me, quite unceremoniously, at a party the night before. I was feeling kind of blue, just sort of moping around the campus waiting for my friend’s class to end. While aimlessly wandering through the bookstore, I saw an old friend from high school, a guy who graduated a year ahead of me. We got to talking about life after high school and what my plans were and all of that idle small talk, when he looked me right in the eye and said, “Well Cas, the thing is, I hear you’re an excellent writer.”
What followed is not a Cinderella-like ending of fairytale romance (this is me we’re talking about) between Matt Opacity (that was his name) and your Lang teacher. We didn’t fall into each other’s arms and swear undying love—it wasn’t even a romantic moment. He wasn’t trying out a brand-new pick-up line or even trying to soothe my bruised, dumped ego. It was a simple declaration that I am quite sure he would never even remember saying all these years later. But it’s impact on me was and is undeniable. Because of him, when I went back home, the first place I looked for a summer job was at a local newspaper called The Sandpaper. I landed a job as a stringer and at the tender age of 18, got my first ever piece of writing published. I even got paid for it! (It was an article on Tonkinese cats—don’t laugh!) Such is the power and the beauty of words.
So, that is the focus of this week’s blog question. I would like you to think about conversations you have had, arguments in which you’ve been embroiled, moments of bliss you have experienced. They all have one thing in common—WORDS. The Yin: What is the worst thing anyone has ever said to you? Why do you think it was the worst thing? How did it make you feel? And for the Yang (because there always is one): What was the best compliment you have ever received? Who said it? Why do you think was it was the best compliment? And finally, reflect on the fact that you highlighted these two particular comments. What do you think your choices of what was the best and worst thing anyone could say about/to you reveal about your personality? Much to think about, I know. Don’t delay!! (500 words/80pts)
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98 comments:
hmmm i like this question. it should be interesting :).
This is going to be a hard one...
Hmm.. I’ve been thinking about this most of the day. Way back in Davies, I sat at a lunch table with a bunch of friends. This is actually a comical story because it involves someone in our classroom. Ashley Aaron, Vicky Cummings, I think Megan and Brittany may have sat at the table, Jordan, and I all sat at the huge table talking Jordan pointed out how little my wrists are and basically said usually people with skinny wrists were skinny. So, he called me fat. Now, this seems really petty. This shouldn’t be the worst thing anyone has said to me, but it was. I came out of the lunchroom crying my eyes out. I cried to our gym teacher and I remember her yelling at Jordan for what he said because of how upset he made me. I’ve always been insecure with how I looked when growing up. I’ve always been more secure in who I was as a person and my personable attributes than physical. Being called fat is probably the worst confidence crusher. It made me feel awful about myself like I wasn’t attractive. Now so much, I don’t think it affects me as much as it did when I was younger. Being in Davies, it was those years you undergo changes in becoming a teenager that made things awkward. I’m a lot more secure in how I appear now. Sorry Jordan, but what you said that year did really hurt. The best compliment I ever received was from Mr. Costal. We did morality journals where we had to document how we acted towards people whether it was right or wrong. Mr. Costal’s comment I’ll never forget. He stated how genuine of a person I am and never to change. No one has ever said that to me. Now more than ever, I get compliments on how I look. I’ll always get called beautiful and a cute girl from customers, friends, or coworkers. I very rarely get compliments on my personality besides the occasional adjectives describing me as nice or sweet. The word genuine just carries so much behind it. I remember getting my morality journal back and just rereading his comments over and over again. I would tuck it away and then look at it again later on in the day. It truly brightened my day and I felt so sure of who I was. A genuine person. A person that is real. Being genuine, you’re true to your instincts. That is something I’ve always tried to embark on. I feel as if this reveals that like a lot of other girls, I did carry an insecurity about my looks. Now it’s almost as if things flip-flopped. I’m secure about the way I look, but this year has really tested who I am and what my goals and aspirations are. I care about what other people think of me. I try to make it seem as if I don’t, but it’s ridiculous how it’s almost like I get ready in the morning trying to look nice for other people. I don’t get ready for the sake of me. I get ready and look pretty for others. I’m nice for others. I help out others. I think there are the people who do for others and the people who wish others to do for them. Sometimes, these qualities may intertwine. I think there definitely is a dominant one, which for me is that I do for others rather than myself.
What is the worst thing someone has ever said to me? Well that answer was acquired by much deep thought and pondering because some negative things people have said about me did not really matter at all. The people who said them were in my mind, nothing. Their words might have stung when I heard them, like rumors, but in the long run they mean nothing to me. They are just fuel for a week’s gossip and words like that are used to just get a rise out of someone. I have been called a “bitch”, “shallow”, and a “slut”. None of which are true and the people that are my true friends know this. The worst thing that someone has ever said to me came from my sister. For those of you that know her, see the sweet, funny side of her, but in the midst of sisterly arguing she is quite venomous. It all started last year, when we were fighting in the kitchen about who would put away the dishes. We were both in bad moods and once the words started flying there was no way to bring them back; it was almost like our mouths were unhinged and our brains let loose. She then abruptly screamed at me “I hate you, I hate you more than you will ever know! You are the worst sister in the world, and a horrible example. I never want to be like you, ever!” I remember just completely falling silent. For once no response seemed to come out of my mouth and I just turned away. I started immediately crying due to the fact that I believed her. I believed every word she had shrieked at me, and it hurt more than anything. I did not want to be that sister. I wanted my little sister to look up to me and try to be like me. I wanted to be a good example, something for her to respect and love. Hate is such a strong word that it should not be used especially with strong conviction behind it, unless you truly mean it. Her words did indeed slice through me and stung for the minutes that followed. I felt like I had failed Hailey, my parents, and myself.
On the flip side, the best compliment someone has ever given me came from a person I barely know. She is my aunt’s best friend, Jill who is a speech teacher at Southern Regional High School. Last April or sometime around then, I was up on Long Beach Island for my aunt’s election. She was trying to become a commissioner for her township, and she did in fact win. I was sitting in the restaurant by myself while my mom, aunt, and her people were all celebrating, when Jill came up to me and started talking to me. She was asking me questions if I was excited for my aunt and how I was doing in school. I really liked talking to her, like I do with most people. I am big into conversation and meeting new people, I think I get that from my mom, but anyways we were having a nice conversation. It was a get to know each other conversation, one like most people have when they first meet. Then she turned to me and said “Morgan you have a voice. You do not only have a great, television broadcaster voice, but a real voice.” She went on to explain that she knows I will bring something to this world, I just need to discover my inner voice and let it out. I was really shocked when she first said it because I didn’t even tell her what my career goal was. I thanked her and felt an overwhelming feeling of joy. No one had ever told me that before and I didn’t quite know what to do when she said that. It made me feel like I was somebody and empowered, like I could make it in the world and succeed in the difficult career path I want to endeavor. She was so confident sounding, and sincere that I knew she really meant what she said. No one just says that for nothing, especially just out of the blue like she did.
Who doesn’t love getting compliments? It is just a natural thing to enjoy when others compliment you, and I know I feel better about myself if someone says I look pretty today, or my hair looks nice, or various other nice little compliments such as that. I know though that this compliment I wrote about is not one of those nice little compliments that are shared on a daily basis. This compliment from this woman I hardly knew came from the inside. She was not reflecting on my outward appearance but it came from the heart. That is most likely why I appreciated it so much and it meant so much to me. She saw something in me that others may have overlooked or didn’t acknowledge, but she pulled it out and told me to my face. She was honest and really dove deep into who I am as a person. Not many people do that often, but look to the surface because that is the easiest thing to see. It really makes me recognize that the outward appearance is overshadowed by the wonderful depth of what can really lie inside oneself. When I reflect on the worst thing that anyone has ever said to me, it really makes me realize how much my family does mean to me. I know that I don’t want them to ever think negatively of me and to hear my sister speak so harshly to me, made me really think I failed her. I don’t want to be a bad example, I really want to be a good sister to her and a good daughter to my parents. They are so important to me and I value their opinion very highly.
Oh, words. This is a very difficult blog. Because I have gone through many hardships and defining moments, I think it is part of a person’s mind to hide, to mask, some of the difficult moments and statements that you have gone through in your life.
So I can’t think of an event that I can honestly say, changed me forever, because I feel like that has yet to come. I had what you may call a baby-monumental conversation that changed me. To me, disappointment is one of the most terrible feelings. Disappointing others that is what really makes me feel horrible, knowing that I let down someone extremely important to me. So the one conversation that has changed me, is when I disappointed my swim coach. Now many of you are probably thinking, “Geez, Mol, it’s just your swim coach.” But know, swim coach is one of my closest friends, a father figure, an annoying older brother, an enemy. It is just one person you don’t want to disappoint. So it was after my mile, which some may consider ‘my event’ it was bad. I swam like crap, and I honestly gave up. So we are sitting on the bleachers, everyone else has left the pool deck. And we were talking about why I haven’t been able to perform when it has mattered the most. And he said the words that I will remember for a long long time, he said, “I expected more from you, I am disappointed.” It was blunt, to the point. Nothing like he has ever said before. He usually makes me feel ok, giving me some hope to hold onto. But not this time. I went home, called my best friend, teary eyed. She, also a swimmer, didn’t believe it. She said that I needed to use it to motivate me, make me stronger. But it has only set in a sense of fear, a fear that I will disappoint him or others again.
So the one conversation that I will always forget, because of the positivity that it radiated, might be a bit odd. I was in Lancaster with my mom, driving home from a meet, back to the hotel. We were in a huge fight. When I say huge, I mean huge. And my mom and I don’t usually fight. It started because I wasn’t wearing my flip flop on the pool deck, stupid, I know, but it just wasn’t a good day for either of us. So after the screaming by her, the crying by both of us, the silent treatment by me, I finally exploded. I was screaming, like I never have before. I told her everything. Things about years ago that made me mad, things that have stayed with me, things that she never knew. And it felt so good. She finally got to hear where I was coming from, hear everything I kept inside of me. And after the shock, she said to me, “I am so sorry, and trust me when I say, everything will be ok.” That was the moment when I felt young again, felt like all my worries could be washed away by the soothing voice of my mom. It was when I realized that I can trust her. And even if during these sketchy weekends, she may not believe everything I tell her. I know I can go home, and tell her what’s bothering me. And she won’t judge me, she will only understand.
I do think these events exemplify how hesitant I am to open myself, to tell someone how I am feeling. And I am afraid to open up, because I am afraid to hurt the people around me that mean the most to me. The fact that the best thing that has been said to me was coming from my mom is because I lean on her for so much, and trust her with all my heart. Whenever I am frazzled and I hear her voice, she calms me, lets me know that it will be ok, and I trust her. I need that rock in my life, that support system, and for the rest of my life, I think I will need those few people I can trust to let me know it will be ok.
I do think I am hesitant to believe that someone has actually said something to be that hurt me badly, because I am afraid of that realization. (If that makes sense.) I haven’t had that defining conversation, good or bad, that has changed the way that I view myself or my life. Of course, horrible things have been said to me. But within a week, I tend to forget about it. But I wait for that day, for someone that I loved, cared deeply about, lies to my face, hurts me so badly, changes how I view the world. But I also wait for the day that the stranger, my best friend, or an acquaintance comes up to me, and inspires me, changes me for the better.
You know, I've had a really hard time thinking of something to write for this blog. I just can't really seem to think of anything bad (or good, for that matter) that has really stuck with me. I mean, I've certainly gotten my fair share of insults. According to various people that have felt compelled to give me their personal assessment on my actions and appearance, I'm "annoying", "fat", "ugly", "____'s little whore", "worthless", "lazy", and so on and so forth. I've had people tell me that they've hated me (including my very own father), I've had people tell me that they were disgusted by me, and I've had people say that they've never wanted to see me again. Sure, I was a little peeved when these events actually occurred, but now, I'm hard pressed to have any pent up feelings about them. It's safe to say that I'm quite indifferent about them. However, there is ONE thing that has definitely changed my outlook on myself and my life, and although I don't brood over the incident, some reflection goes to show that it's had a much more profound effect than I'd noticed before.
I don't want to give any names, and I'd rather not go into the details of the situation, because it's not my place to divulge any personal information about the lives of other people. I will say, however, that after a long and drawn out debate with someone I was very close with, the conversation ended with this:
"You know what, Maegan? You aren't what you think you are, and you never will be. You're nothing. That's all you'll ever be."
Now, this probably doesn't seem so harsh now. But to my fragile, 9th grade self, these words meant the world to me. I'd always been so certain that I would succeed in life, and that I would be able to propogate change in the world. It never occurred to me that my failure was a great possibility, if not inevitable,and that I really wasn't as great as I made myself out to be. There is a high probability that I will indeed be nothing in life, and until then, I had never stopped to consider that.
At the time, I tried to just ignore this new realization and continue on the way that I had always been. It was a futile attempt, however, and self doubt gnawed its way into the back of my brain and established a permanent lodging. I've never been the same since. I don't really regret hearing this, because it really opened my eyes to how foolish I'd been. I was so hopeful and optimistic. It was pathetic. In retrospect, I thank the person who said that to me. It changed my life forever.
Not to be a Negative Nancy here, but there's no compliment that I've ever recieved that's ever stuck with me, either. I mean, sure, people have said nice things to me, but I don't really trust their opinions. Half the things people say are just to make me feel better about my life. There's never really any truth behind it. Besides, I know that my self analysis will be 10 times more accurate then anyone's compliments will be. I've made it a habit now to just brush of any compliments. There's always something I could do better, or there's always something wrong with me that needs to be corrected, and these override anything that deserves to be admired.
What does this say about my personality? I'm not really sure, to be honest. I'll have to assess that later.
Toni: Jordan WOULD say that. Don't worry, I'll beat him up for you. Oh, and I remember those morality journals Mr. Costal gave us last year. I think I got a bad grade on them... probably because I have the moral capacity of a stuffed animal.
It seems as though every time there is a negative part of a question, I can find an immediate answer in my dad. I’m sure all of you are bored to death about reading how much I have been affected by him, but I believe that the more honest I am, the more I can elaborate and explain how I really feel. Isn’t that what this blog is all about?
It was about 4 years ago (I believe I was just turning 13). I mentioned in previous blogs about how my father and I got in a really big fight a few years back that completely ruined our relationship—well, he said something to me that day I will never forget. I was in the process of recovering from my first of two ear surgeries when it all happened. I don’t feel extremely comfortable about explaining exactly WHAT it is we fought about, but to sum it up; my dad found out something my brother and I never told him, that wasn’t really that big of a deal, and flipped. I mean FLIPPED. It was so dumb. I was under heavy medication lying on the couch when it slipped out of my foolish little brother’s mouth. So what did he do? He overreacted entirely. My brother happened to be with him, so he drove Nick all the way to where we live, kicked him out of the car at the end of the driveway, and sped off. I feel a little bad that he had to be with him at the time, but it was kind of his fault he found out. I don’t know what he said to Nick either, but I’m sure the whole car ride was hell and enough of a punishment for saying something. He called a bit after he drove away and I picked up the phone and listened with my good ear.“You are both liars and you are never welcome in my house again.” Yup. That’s what he said to me, and hung up.
So imagine, you’re barely a teenager, and your own dad says that to you. It was devastating! I actually liked him then, so I was crushed. It wasn’t until eight months later that he tried to contact us in any way. But, that was perfectly fine, we didn’t want anything to do with him after that. No matter what, kids are kids and they make mistakes. But you never ever treat them like that.
On the other hand, it was much more difficult for me to think of the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. It’s always pleasant to hear “you look nice today!” or “great job” after a tough game. But even what my boyfriend says to me everyday doesn’t compare to how this affected me because it had to do with my number one love: soccer.
We were heading home from Penn State soccer camp last summer when Hearn and I were doing what we do best—listening to comedians on our iPods and laughing our butts off the entire 5 hour drive. It was then that we started discussing my future since junior year was coming up and is very important for both academics and athletics. I told him my plan, which wasn’t much at the time because I was genuinely nervous about making any big decisions concerning my future. I was avoiding it for as long as I could in all honesty. But it was then that he told me something that no one has ever told me before: “You are good enough to play anywhere you want, D3, D2, even D1, you just have to know you can do it.” I had no confidence in my playing what-so-ever before he told me this. I thought I was decent, good enough for a D3 definitely, D2 if I’m lucky. But I certainly couldn’t handle the D1 level of play. Especially if it was an expensive school, there was no way I’d be able to get that much money for my skill. But when he said that to me, I could tell he truly meant it, there was no reason to lie. It boosted my confidence drastically and definitely changed me as a player and as a person.
I believe the good and bad compliments a person chooses truly reveals what means the most to them or what they value. For instance, I value respect and the ability to handle situations well. My dad did not show any of that, so it was easy for me to remember. And, I love soccer, so something said to me that had to do with me and soccer, good or bad, would definitely stick out.
Mol-
"Now many of you are probably thinking, “Geez, Mol, it’s just your swim coach.” But know, swim coach is one of my closest friends, a father figure, an annoying older brother, an enemy."
I feel the same way about both my soccer coaches. They're like friends sometimes, cool to joke around with and have a good time. They're like fathers other times, watching out for you and also telling you all that you do wrong. Then they're like your enemy when they tell you all the things you don't want to hear, or make you do things you REALLY don't want to do. But despite it all, they seem to what's best for you. It's weird. They push you almost to your limit but in the end, it all usually turns out really well :).
Words. I hate how hurtful they can truly be without even trying. One day we were sitting in a abnormal history class, because there was this substitute and if it’s not Cervi it just doesn’t feel right., and a heated conversation started that was more so about me than involving me. I was sitting there listening to it and trying to not get upset which is impossible because of who was saying it. He was teasing me and teasing me like any normal day, and I was really trying to just let it roll because it was starting to get to me. This should have been a routine day. This should have been something that I could handle. This should have never been the conversation. The substitute started to notice how flustered I was getting. He then decided let me be cool and try to help this girl. So he said something I probably won’t forget, merely because what came after it, he said when you tease a girl that usually means you like her. The next words to come out of the other half of the conversation are ones that chilled me to the bone. He said that he would never go down that road again, that I was his biggest mistake. The fact that he would “never go down that road” didn’t bother me at all. Actually it was something that I was already aware of fully and really no big deal. Yet, what came after it switched off something inside of me. To be someone’s biggest mistake you would have to be basically a terrible person right? I felt like the worst person in the world at the moment. I was totally unable to really speak and I tried really hard to hide the tears that were about to pour out like rain in a hurricane. Once the bell struck 12 I immediately ran to my safe haven in the building and started crying. The teacher that I went to was totally comforting and made me realize that I could get over this little incident, but it really set me back. Just the wording, she was my biggest mistake. Ouch, I needed some ice for that burn. It hurt me, because I never felt like I was such a huge inconvenience to him. I never knew that it was that out of hand. I was confused on how I got such a prestigious title, I knew why but I didn’t know why it was important to put that bomb out there. I was hurt and crushed. When someone you once cared about a lot tells you that you were a mistake, it’s hard to swallow. I had never felt less worthy to be myself than in that moment. It took away me, because I thought that I had a better handle on the situation. They were the hardest words I’ve ever had to hear.
The best thing someone has ever said to me just happened this weekend so it is pretty much fresh is my mind. I was coming back from bowling, where my best friend decided hey let’s throw a surprise-birthday-bowling-bash, when we pulled into my driveway. Danny and I are very close, thus conversation is so easy to come by when doing anything with him. We can talk about anything, and we usually do. We were pulling up and he was asking me if I had fun, the normal I-just-threw-you-a-surprise-party- questions. Then he said something that I know I won’t soon forget. He said, “You know I wouldn’t just do that for anyone, you’re my best friend.” That meant the world to me. I felt important, and I felt loved. For him to admit that and say that to me was a huge set. He isn’t the type of person who shares his feelings or really is all that open. I on the other hand thrive on feelings and talking about them. For him to have that sense of comfort, and to just say that to me meant the world. I felt secure, and for the first time I felt valued. I felt like someone cared about me as much as I cared about them no question. Every question I had about our friendship disappeared, he told me what I had wanted to know. I felt special because he wouldn’t have done all that work for a nobody, thus I was somebody. When we were in a fight once he told me that he was so thankful everyday he had me because I cared about him, and for the fact that I was so forgiving. That meant something, but it meant nothing compared to the other because there he was opening up to me. He was reconfirming everything that was going on. He is my rock, and overall my best friend. Yet, knowing that he feels the same way about me made me feel like I was walking on air.
These two incidents are exact opposites in every way. One is telling me I’m worthless and another is telling me I’m worth something. I know that’s why they stick out in my mind. I won’t ever forget either of these moments because they have impacted me. Maybe some other memories will come in time but as of right now they hit me, and hit me hard. I am always looking for a sense of approval and belonging. I understand that and see it is a root of my words, and the words I picked for this blog. I long for approval and Danny gave me that approval in the most respectable way in my mind, while someone gave me the worst frost bite I could imagine.
This will be a two-part blog.
First, the worst thing ever said to me.
It would have very specific requirements. Comments on my appearance are useless: depending on my mood I’ll either agree or laugh it off with draconic pride. It’s difficult to insult my intelligence; I can’t take attacks like that seriously. If my work is inferior, that is my fault. I will take the blame for it. It can’t really be considered hurtful, because it’s honest. And if the criticism is illogical or misplaced, it won’t bother me, because I know it to be wrong.
I can think of one person who would actually hurt me if he insulted me. And I don’t interact with him often enough for him to pick up on even my obvious flaws. As long as I am a character, not a person, I need not fear any real insult from him.
But when someone I respect openly tells me that I have shirked my duty, I am crushed. I have failed them, reflected badly, made extra work, generally made myself unworthy of being trusted again.
This happens more often than I would like in Media. It gives the students more responsibility and freedom than any other class, and thus more chances for failure. Usually, it doesn’t sound like a big deal on paper. A video is a day late. A display case doesn’t have the lettering done. But everyone else’s jobs depend on having every assignment done on time. The show can go on without it, but the job’s become much harder.
So…
“Eva, I don’t mind when students come in on their own time to help their friends. But I do mind if they don’t have their own work done yet.”
My own work was overdue, at that point. There was no reason for it. I had plenty of time, and two partners to help me. Said partners never heard a word of rebuke: I spent my lunches and study halls in the media room that week to help with a drama video. My contribution was minimal. I should have been doing my own project.
I had, effectively, proved that I had time to succeed, and failed anyway.
Lockwood’s comment drove that home.
Coming soon… Good things said to me!
Question- can it be something said about you that you overheard or does it have to be something said directly?
Your words have such a big impact on the people around you, more than you may possibly realize. I continually examine the words that escape my mouth too quickly for me to prevent them, hoping that they have the same effect that I was trying to convey. And half the time, I regret saying certain things that may have been too revealing, or too much for someone else’s self-esteem. Words are such a sacred thing. They have the cherished and abhorrent ability to make or break you.
Quite frankly, I’ve heard so many vile things about myself that it hardly even gets to me anymore. Normally, these insults come from my very own mother. Whenever a “you’ve put on a few pounds,” or “you’re such a disappointment,” or, my favorite, “you stupid, spoiled bitch,” depart from my mother’s mouth, I laugh or just ignore her entirely. The harshest criticism now has utterly no effect on me. But coming from someone else whom I trusted wholeheartedly hurt. Hurt like hell. I wasn’t the same for weeks because of that simple statement that made me feel so worthless. I relied so much on their entire being because I had never opened up to anyone in quite the same manner. I hate even bringing up this occasion. God. Well, it all started with a simple argument. I felt betrayed that we hadn’t been in contact for quite a while, mostly because of their doing. I was so upset that all my anger, my aggression, my sadness lashed out once I finally got in contact with them. The part that truly hurt me about this conversation was that they took it as a joke the entire time. Every fiber in my body bled with betrayal, as they continued to make a joke out of my feelings. Every aspect of that conversation makes my stomach churn still, but there was just one, stupid sentence that scarred my fragile being. “Hayley, there’s more important things in the world besides you and me.” My shaking confidence completely crumbled. I trusted them with everything I had, and for them to just leave me to dry like that, truly demoralized me.
On the other hand, I’ve heard a bundle of compliments before. I appreciate every compliment my boyfriend, my friends, my family, my family’s friends and anyone in general gives me, but one just sticks out more than the others. Since I was 4 years old, soccer has been my passion. But it’s hasn’t been all fun and games. Once I turned 8, I was recruited from my miniscule recreation team to the South Jersey Girls Soccer League (SJGSL). Or, better yet, the Fireballs; the team that truly made me love the sport. Ever since then, I’ve been yearning to be the best I possibly can. Yeah, I’ve been told I’ve got so much skill, and blah, blah, blah, but it’s never enough to quench my thirst for the betterment of my ability. I used to be such a confident player. I stuck out as one of the best on my old traveling teams. But then, I reached Oakcrest. Reality hit me. All the compliments and encouragement I had received all went downhill. I wasn’t good. For the past 3 years, I have worked my butt off to improve and please my coaches, teammates, and myself. I always fell short, it seems. This year, however, I hoped that I would improve enough to get an honorable mention for CAL. Not 1st team or 2nd. I just wanted some recognition and proof that my hard work paid off. I was visiting Coach Hearn before Homeroom a few months back, and he reached his hand out to me. I shook it, despite my confusion. He grinned and said, “Congrats on getting honorable mention. You deserve it. This has been your best season yet.” I was ecstatic. I finally felt that I satisfied my coach, my team, and myself.
These events have taken a toll on my personality. From the former, I was and still am extremely hesitant when it comes to trusting those around me. I rarely ever truly open up, and it’s now starting to bite me in the butt. The next has revealed that soccer is a big part of me. And that my self-esteem continues to soar far below the normal standard. Poop.
Sara-
I know your dad was a poopyjerkfacesfjghdfuighdif to you, your mom, and Nick. :( You've grown into such a strong girl for it, though. And I'm always here for you anytime you need, my love. As for soccer, any college, D1 or D3, would be crazy not to want you. You're amazing, and your skill improves year after year. Don't doubt yourself for a second.
Love you. <3
Figures that one of the worst things said to me occurred during possibly my favorite and best memory. It was summer of 2005. I remember how nervous every one was. We were ahead, not by much. It was the last inning, and everyone was exhausted from playing a second game in a row. Then the girl up to bat slams a line drive right back at our pitcher, Janey. She catches it, and I scream to throw it back to first for the double play. There was already one out, so the double play just ended the game, meaning we won. The Mullica 12U beat the North Jersey Hamilton team in the state championships… meaning we were going to the 12U World Series in Cherry Hill. The next couple weeks were a blur, just memories of interviews, butterflies, and rest. Our first game was quite a joke, there was no doubt we got robbed of the win. The second game we won, as we should have. But during the third game of the series is when my confidence was ripped to pieces. I've never been a spectacular hitter, I know that. I have good days, I have bad days. But back then, what I lacked in hitting I made up for in my fielding. I was a freaking amazing first baseman. I could scoop any ball thrown my way, I was tall enough, and I was smart. Now, I remember my little sister was on second base, and I was up to bat. She stole third, even though she wasn't supposed to, but she was safe. There were two outs, we were down by one. It wasn't the last inning; we still had plenty of time. But I knew everyone was depending on me to bring the runner in. I made contact, but it was nothing but a measly grounder to second. Out. Although, pictures and video my family took of that moment say otherwise. But anyway, I dragged my disappointed self back into the dugout to get my glove and ball, and ran back onto the field. Then that's when I heard it.
"YO UMP!" My teammate's uncle screamed to the umpire. "Ump, does everyone on the team have to hit? That first baseman can't hit for shit!"
That comment hit me harder than anything I'd ever felt. I remember tearing up, and let me tell you, I rarely ever show that kind of emotion. I had to suck it up to finish the game, but those words would not get out of my head. First off, if I ever saw that guy again, I would freaking knock him in his jaw for saying that about a TWELVE year old. But ever since that day, I've been more and more insecure about my hitting. And it doesn't help having a coach at Oakcrest that would proudly tell you that you're playing/hitting like shit. Don't get me wrong, I can rock the ball if I make contact. But that usually only happens when I get some encouragement either from another player, a different coach, or even myself. Otherwise, I'm up there with my knees shaking, gripping the bat too tight, concentrating too much on my mechanics, wondering how disappointed everyone would be if I didn't get a hit, wondering if I'll even get another chance up at bat if I don't make contact. Everything goes through my head, except the most important thing: telling myself I can do this, and truly believing it. I find that one of the hardest things to overcome, especially after what that guy said about me.
Best compliment… I'll get back to you on that.
Oh, well, now that I feel I was just attacked, this should be relatively easy to write...
So words. How they can ever so implicitly be used to reject and hurt people. How critical they can used against someone to destroy someone face down into the dirt. The most brutal wounds can be inflicted by a simple phrase. The idea of death can hover in one sentence; one word. Some words can hit their point; some of them fall short; others can go deeper than intended. I wasn't sure which one it was when I heard the worst phrase I ever heard anyone say to me.
I'm sorry I made so many mistake. I'm sorry I was completely unreasonable at times. I'm sorry I'm an idiot. I'm sorry that I'm a hypocrite. I'm sorry that I hurt you. But too not even turn around and help someone that you've known like this and not even have the will to comfort them through it. A plea for help completely unanswered. Pushed away, further. At least give a mongrel wondering over his own life not so ignorant and stupid of an answer.
I'm not going to get into all the details. I might as well because some people are going to figure this all out anyway but I'll spare unnecessary feeling for the sake of still putting up a shield on the person. Sure, I fucked up many times. Many. I knew I did, which is the worst part about it. And with my own words on a stupid text message I condemned myself. But I was just completely torn. The part that made it the worst was I'd been hurt for the same thing before, but this one was killing me. I did all I could to live up to this person after my mistake. I had just been perfect for a day, and then within that same day shattered everything. I was alone on a string. I was watching them just completely abandoning me like some kind of creep that they never met was following them. I did everything. I didn't go to school buying presents for them one day. I was trying to hide the fact I was not getting what I wanted with false hope. Then I realized how false it was at a stupid-ass party. I was an idiot for even going, for even trying. I even bought the best flowers I could buy. I asked someone what to say to them because relying on myself for that advice was not a good idea. By then the whole thing had me more crazy than normal. I took one moment to try and fix things. I tried to dance and fix everything, like it would actually work. If they would of told me the right way and sat down just for a second it would of maybe soothed me a little. They didn't... I can't remember much of what was said, I try to forget. However, the basis of what they sad was 'get away, your ruining my time right now, I want nothing to do with you anymore.' I'm not going to lie, and a couple people watched me, I considered committing suicide to a whole other level. It was just around to corner. I never was the same for it. I deceived myself into love and felt the chastise for it. I haven't been the same since then. I just can't ever let it go.
...In an attempt to switch moods real quick, since I'm the ass who always dwells on the bad, I can remember something not so long ago that really helped me. I've been so fortunate to have so many good things said to me, it's hard to pick out many particular statements. This one was in my first instinct when I thought about it, so maybe it's best to tell this one. I was hurt during football for most of the season. I had to sit one game because of it which tore me enough. I was back and playing on it,. But even though I was rocking the field, I felt I was not being what I'm capable of. I easily just stomped my own face into the mud. I just was losing it during the bye-week. I was about to face a champion team and felt hardly ready to play. I thought I was never going to achieve my football dream. One of my coaches noticed this, especially in my attitude. My avoiding of groups and solemn alone time on the sidelines. My tone which everyone knows is by far not normal for me. My displeasure with anything. I was beating myself up. He tried to say something to me the day before our last practice before the game. I didn't really listen to him and became even more enraged when I missed the bus because of it. The next day he asked how I felt and I said even worse because I missed to bus. I was more pissed then before. I was standing alone on the sideline and he came up to me trying to joke with me to lighten my mood. He then out of no where began talking very solemnly and this time I listened. I'm not going to lie when I say, and it's actually pretty funny, that as a big, furry, rough football player that I began to try a little bit. Basically I talked about how I thought I sucked. I can't remember clearly what he said but basically he told me I was one of the best kids he ever met and that I was a great football player. It didn't really rub me in the scheme of his message. It was just the manner in which he said it. For a damn football coach, he sure was comforting. My moral quickly rose after our long talk. The next night I played to best game of my life. I won't ever forget that just because it took me to a whole other level. I so rapidly moved from a position of despair to a confident heir just because a man rambled to me, and he did it just right. I won't forget that moment as long as I live.
“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words may never hurt me.”
“I’m rubber, you’re glue, whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you.”
Anyone else remember these two harmless sayings from back in the day? As so as I read this blog they immediately popped into my head. I look back thinking, “How did I ever believe the words were nothing and had no impact, that they would simply “bounce” off of me?” I realized part of it was I harden myself from others’ comments, but I could never completely shut out their mocking, jeering, snide remarks. While it rarely showed how deeply I was hurt, I always felt the pain.
With that said, this particular instance of grief hurt me deeper than anything else; I still occasionally feel its presence creep up and twist my stomach and heart until I fell nauseas….
I was around the tender age of 11 and experiencing my first year as a “Mullica middle schooler” (although I was still in the same building, but moving on…). For the first time, the “girls are yucky” mindset was completely absent and instead my mind was clouded with thoughts of their beauty. Slowly I began to get to know them better as everyone was now “hooking up” and in fifth grade you only seem to care about fitting in and being like everyone else. After about a month, I had found my Aphrodite; she was flawless, beyond flawless. She was beautiful, smart, funny, kind, and myriad of other qualities that my eleven-year-old self oodled over. I was in, what I consider back then, love. I quickly attempted to create plans and set up rendezvous points so that I could express my true feelings and emotions without looking like a complete idiot and embarrassing myself, which, when you’re eleven and in “love”, is almost impossible. However, despite all the complicated strategies and clandestine meetings spots I had come up with, I wound up spouting off my feelings in a jumbled mess. She (remaining unnamed for privacy reasons) began with the simple questions: “How are you? Have you done anything interesting lately?” We began our idle palaver, asking each other simple questions and recounting funny moments we shared and ones we carried separately. Then the dreaded question, “So, do you like anyone, you know like, like?” I began to shake and instead of keeping my mouth shut or telling a little white lie, I yelled, literally, that I liked her. She simply smiled and the day continued on as usual. The lack of comment sent my stomach whirling, twisting and turning, wrenching and contorting.
I went to bed that night still worried I had jeopardized our friendship and feel into a restless sleep. The next day I saw her and she waved me over quietly and whispered something almost inaudible to the human ear: “I like you, too.” My heart leaped in joy, I felt like I could fly, like I could touch the sky. Little did I realize that there were other motives at work. So a week came and went. I walked into school and my heart sank. I saw my supposed “girlfriend” kissing another guy. As I approached he happened to be walking away. “Why did you do that?” I question hoping it was accident but I knew it was no accident. “Why, do you care?” she retorted with venom in her words. “Why do I care? WHY DO I CARE!!??” my voice reached a tone that was both one octave higher and seeping venom and hurt, and mixture of other emotions. “You and I are dating. Did it happened to slip your mind?” my words were now toxic, burring as the fell from my lips, but none of that came close to the hurt and evil of the next words: “Dating? You and I? Don’t make me laugh! I wouldn’t go out with you if you were the last gut on earth, no better yet, in the universe. I just needed you to make Him jealous enough to want me and it worked. You mean nothing to me and are worthless besides getting me what I wanted. So, I guess I should thank you.” She laughed and simply walked away.
Why was this the worst thing ever? I mean really, it was 6 years ago and I was young and naïve so why such the impact? The main reason and most prominent was the fact that I opened myself up, I was a open book and SHE ripped me apart, page-by-page.This was my first and currently last time I have made myself completely vulnerable to anybody, ever. I try to open up to family, friends, and threw Occasional Papers, but I never seem to find the strength to overcome this fear of, once again, being exposed and defenseless to everyone and anyone. I just go about my days doing as others ask, trying not to annoy them and bending to their every whim, hoping that I don’t give them a reason to what to dig up anything they can to get “revenge”. The foolish, albeit somewhat paradoxical, thing is I don’t think anyone would try to. I have known most of my classmates since the beginning of high school and some even earlier. I know they some of the nicest and kindest people in the world. Yet, I can’t seem to even buck up the courage to tell someone whom I been crushing on four two years that I like them or a great friend some of the deep-seated fears I have.
If you didn’t get enough description above of how I felt, then hold on. I felt mutilated, violated, betrayed, hurt, angry, furious, sad, mad, sick, depressed, and like the scum of the earth that dogs won’t even sniff, and from my experience, they sniff almost everything. I was hurt almost beyond repair but slowly I blocked out the memory, became more focused on school and less on leisure, I wanted live solely to learn, get good grades, and make it through middle school. I eventually made friends again and came out of my slump, but it was a slow, up-hill trudge that I continue on today. A year ago I would have made something up for this blog but I feel secure enough within these cybernetic walls.
It is quite interesting how we tend to focus on the bad and throw out the good, at least I seem to do it, unconsciously of course, but do it none-the-less. I vividly remember that horrific incident six years ago like it was ten minutes but finding the best thing ever said took a little more time.
It actually occurred right here on this blog, ironically enough. And the comment itself was kind and genuine but, to me, it was more of the timing it and really the power behind it.
During February I had a conversation with a good friend, once again no names, but what the friend said shocked me and hurt but it was the truth and really it had to be said but that’s not the point. After this conversation, I begin to question my motives in life, if they were truly pure and good at heart or was there a deeply rooted anger and evil behind everything I did. I began to question whether I was completely selfish and only cared about me. It turns out I just over-reacted and wound up a better person because of it. But still, not the point. To the point, while in this semi-depressed state I wrote a blog about how I feared I was evil and nothing good was ever my intent, my thoughts at the time just written down. Then I read through all the comments and I stopped at one and read it and reread it: "As for your beliefs, I can only say one thing: You are not a devil on the inside! If you ever think you are inwardly evil, you are not! This just proves it. You genuinely believe in giving people second chances, in caring for them when they don't have anyone else to. You are a wonderful person, Matt, don't let anyone (or yourself) tell you otherwise!!!”This comment and ultimately my eye-opener, was said, well posted rather, by none other than Alice Hu.
Now, Alice comments on many blogs every week, so why was this one so special? It truly was the timing of it. I was at the nadir of my “semi-depression” and truly thought that I was evil. I didn’t think I brought any good to the world or that I had any in me. I felt like the person Greene was describing in his blog, evil just hidden by a false mask of good intentions. But this view faded after reading this comment. It was forceful yet caring. There was truth behind it and after the way I felt for days, my soul skyrocketed, I felt alive and rejuvenated. It was a simple opinion, really, but it made me feel overjoyed that someone, even if only one person believed in me. She helped me to see I was being melodramatic and that I took some simple comment way, way out-of-hand. Which, in turn, helped me in innumerable ways. But the sheer fact that she believed in me when I didn’t is something I will remember and hold dear to me forever.
I think these to particular choices show that I lack self-confidence and am easily swayed by everyday happenings. In the first example I couldn’t handle the horrible things said, I caved and thought they were true; I did not have faith in myself. In the second, the best thing was someone affirming that I was not evil. I didn’t have enough confidence to see past the hurt or realize that it was really constructive criticism. It took someone else to make me believe that there was good deep down. I think they also show that I have a hard time handle awkward/uncomfortable/hurtful situations. I mean it was fifth grade for goodness sakes and I still am not completely over it! Overall, I am emotionally unstable and stew over things for too long.
Morgan C
I am still in shock about what your sister said. As an older sibling myself i have gotten into my share of fights but never once has anything like that been utter by anyone. I can't even imagine the pain and heartache. I am really sorry you had to experience that.
Jen
That is a horrible thing for anyone to say at any age to anyone, even when they know they are horrible or even just somewhat bad. And to top it off it was something you loved, that is incomprehensible. I am fuming about it and really have no clue what to even say...
Confession time...I am a hoarder. I have these huge boxes under my bed filled with remnants of my past- ticket stubs, photographs, letters, art projects, old writing assignments, yearbooks, birthday cards, fortune cookie things, love letters, basically anything I've felt was important from childhood until now. My point? I read this question and immediately dug out the boxes. It's one of my favorite things to do, sit down and reminisce.
I spent a good hour on Monday night searching for some meaning. So many compliments, sweet messages, and meaningful advice have been kept alive through my hoarding. I relived a lot, trying to pick something to write about in this blog. Yet, I'm still stuck. How can I pick ONE compliment/message and ONE insult? I am horrible at these things. So once again, I'm going to indirectly answer this question...
I feel that the best and worst thing anyone has ever said to me is, "I love you." That statement holds so much meaning to me. When someone says this, it is both a blessing and a curse. It packs a punch like no other.
Let's start with the bad. "I love you" represents a dedication, whether to a friend, family member, or boyfriend/girlfriend. It means that the person who says it is dedicated to you, and sometimes that can be scary as hell. It means that they are attached in some way, shape, or form. Thus bestowing a great amount of responsibility. It's nerve-wracking to feel that sense of "crap, I don't want to mess this up or lose it." It really can screw with your mind, and severely affect your actions and decisions. Until you have felt the strength and pull of this declaration, it's impossible to understand the utter fear associated with hearing it. In addition, it represents a rawness among humans. Love is the one emotion that can cause all other emotions, it can open the door to anything. Especially pain.
Now, on to the good :) "I love you" is the absolute BEST compliment you can ever receive. When used in the right context, this declaration means "I know who you are, I accept who you are, and I cannot live without you." It is the way to affect the soul of the person you say it to. What else can somebody say that will give you butterflies, put a smile on your face, and show true attachment? Sure people say some really nice things, I understand that. Yet, nothing else has ever hit me the way that this has.
To me, this statement is everything, good and bad. It can cause serious damage, or do wonders.
What does this say about me? Perhaps I am a romanticist. Perhaps I am simply a crazy teenager who wants to believe in the power of love. Perhaps it simply says that I could not think hard enough to formulate a better answer to the question. However, I think it says that I can relate every emotion and feeling in my life back to love of some sort. So when it comes to the bad and good things others have said, the resulting emotions all revert back to love.
Example: My mom says, "Devon, I am disappointed in you." It's hard because I love her, and I never want to hurt her.
Example: A teacher tells me, "You have all the potential in the world, Dev." That matters because it gives me a strength, and ultimately leads to loving myself.
So this is what I came up with, hope it didn't sound too crazy...
Part Two: Complements.
Umm… This is difficult. I do not care what people say about my appearance. Depending on my mood, I’ll agree with draconic arrogance, or decide they’re making fun of me. Anything directed towards my fashion sense is sarcastic. My one beauty is my hair, and anything said about it is painfully obvious.
If people say I’m intelligent, I expect them to back the statement up with some kind of intellectual discussion/argument. If they don’t, I find the whole exchange rather disappointing. Just saying I’m smart is similar to pointing out that my hair is red.
I think praise of work I’ve done is what goes to my head. But not arbitrary “good job” nonsense. I need to put effort into it, otherwise the work and everything connected thereto is empty. Media provides the best praise I’ve heard recently, too.
I had made a video for Media last year, and posted it online. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ww25zPXr8Cw That one video took weeks of effort. I think it’s the best our group has ever done, and I’ve been showing it to everyone, compulsively, ever since.
My sister’s boyfriend watched it through twice, and praised the concept highly. I can’t remember the exact wording, but I was almost glowing with pride. He then asked if he could commission our group at some point in the future: he was working on a new web design concept, and would use videos in the illustration. I have not actually heard any new news on the subject since, but that isn’t surprising. I only see my sister and her boyfriend a few times a year.
So… What can I gather from all this? I’m a workaholic. My projects mean more to me than anything personal ever could. I do not give a damn about trivial things, make-work, or grades, but I will put my soul and sanity into the real projects I’ve been assigned. Romance, family life, all that will probably never come up for me. I am married to my work, and will be, happily, for the rest of my days.
Matt: That has to be the cruelest thing she could have done. If you had put her name, she would have her eye blacked and nose bloodied tomorrow.
WORDS
Words, words, words, words… For some odd reason, I can’t help but hum “Wordplay” to myself when I read this blog question. It’s just natural.
Anyways, the worst thing anyone has ever said to me? This is a toughie. First thing that came to mind was to remember any insults that I could deem the “worst.” As all of you know, insults are just a part of life. Sure, they hurt, but hey, what can you do about them? You know you’re better than the person who’s insulting you, after all, they have to put you down to put themselves higher. You on the other hand are great just the way you are. They are jealous about that which is why they put you down. Hehe, that’s what I’ve learned so far. So, after a long time of thinking, I couldn’t think of any insults that anyone’s thrown at me that really was the worst.
Then I thought of the fights I’ve had with friends and family. Sure, it had sometimes gone to the point where things like “I wish you died” and “Why’d you have to be born?” were said, but it was at the spur of the moment. They didn’t mean it, I’m sure, so it wasn’t the worst.
This is where I started thinking about any comments that had made me feel really guilty, because let’s face it, those are the worst. It popped into my head in a flash. The worst thing anyone has ever said to me is something that has stayed with me for years, that just made me feel so ashamed of myself.
“How can you expect trust from anyone if you can’t even trust in your friends!!?”
Spoken to me by a close friend, it just came up in a casual conversation. I had insisted that trust was a cause of grief, of unimaginable pain and humiliation. He had gotten a little angry. It was the worst thing ever as I just felt so guilty that I was like that. It wasn’t that it hurt really badly or it made me harden my heart or anything. It just opened me up to feelings of guilt and sadness. I never trust in people because I guess I was always afraid of getting hurt or being disappointed again. I just had the worst feeling come to me when he said that. I wanted to bow my head in shame even though he had not really directed it to me to hurt me, but rather to voice his feelings. Even now, I haven’t let it go because I feel suspended in that moment still. I can still hear him yelling at me with these dejected hazel eyes. This is why I don’t know what to do some time. I am lost and it’s just horrible.
Now for the best compliment…I think the best compliment I’ve ever received was from my piano teacher after I had just finished up playing the recital piece that I’ll be performing this year. I, as always, was hard on myself because I messed up several times. She never compliments anyone (she made sure to emphasize that point) but she looked me straight in the eye and said, “Alice. You have so much potential. I know you are talented in many fields. I just hope that you’ll find something you love to do and just do it, give it all of your heart and soul. Don’t ever stop being the way you are now.” It was the best compliment I’ve ever got because I had never thought of myself as having any type of potential or doing anything in the world. I was always the one that did not have anything memorable that my teachers could remember me for. I guess, just her saying that made me feel special, not average, not normal, but special. It’s a really nice feeling; it’s all warm and fuzzy.
These comments were the comments that stood out in my mind. I picked them because they were the ones that evoked the worst/best feelings. I think my choices reveal that 1) I suck at trusting people, 2) I’ve got to stop being so weird, 3) I don’t have a very nice opinion about myself and 4) I loves warm and fuzzy feelings on the inside. So warm and fuzzy.
El Fin!
To Toni!
WHA?!?! Bad Jordan!!! Toni!!! You're so pretty!!! Don't ever think otherwise!! I'm so glad you are more secure with yourself. ^____^ You should know that you're a really beautiful girl. You're also a great person.
I really liked what you chose as your best compliment because I think that it's true. You are probably one of the most genuine person I know and it's really refreshing. I'm glad that you got to hear that from Costal. That man speaks the truth!
Morgan:
I understand your pain with sisters. It goes both ways but sometimes the meanest things I've ever said or heard comes from sibling brawls.
Molls:
With sports and expecially coaches, I think some of the most upsetting statements can be said. What's great about sports is that you can take your frustration out on someone else in a contact sport, or in your case, on the water.
Dev:
I'm a hoarder too. I collect every freakin thing from everything I've done and everywhere I've been. :)
Jen:
First, I loved the description of the final 2 outs of the States where we kicked butt! But now to the other part...I CAN NOT believe someone said that. First, like you said we were 12! I hate when parents think that they are the Almighty God of sports and that they control the game and know everything about everything. Also, you can't get a hit everytime. NO one hits for 1.000 so although this was a crucial point in the game no one can beat you down, especially yourself. I don't know if you remember, but I made the lame final out of the opening game against Cherry HIll, and it still haunts me because I know that if we would have won that game we could have been in the Finals. I was up with two outs, down one run, and Melissa was on base, 2nd or third, and I hit a dinky crap pop up to the second basemen. I was so mad at myself and wanted to football tackle the umpires for f'ing up our season. It sucks, being so young, and I guess 'messing up' in sports, but just go up this season for all your at bats like you are getting revenge for that one hit. I know you can hit, I've seen it, so get butch and show everyone else.
Which reminds me of a junior BUTCH power lineup this year with meglee and hilface!!:) We're owning the CAL period.
Dev-- I thought I was the only one who collected everything. I have a freaking folded piece of paper, with nothing on it, that my friend in 6th grade told me "don't ever lose this." Stupid, but I never did. And I'll just sometimes, actually a lot of times, sit down go througha llt he shit in my closet and read all my saved notes, cards, notebooks, pictures, anything and everything. I miss the old days so much and can't let it go. So of course when I began thinking about this blog, I opened my closet, saw my jersey from the World Series folded on the top shelf, and it reminded me exactly of my worst comment. Now I've got to go back to uncover the best compliment.
It was the best compliment I’ve ever got because I had never thought of myself as having any type of potential or doing anything in the world. I was always the one that did not have anything memorable that my teachers could remember me for. I guess, just her saying that made me feel special, not average, not normal, but special. It’s a really nice feeling; it’s all warm and fuzzy.
Alice!
It is a great feeling when someone first tells you that you have potential, it is quiet ‘warm and fuzzy!’ And you are special, and finally someone told you that. You are an amazing student, and amazing chess player, an amazing singer/piano player, and an amazing person. And I loved your blog!
Matt-
I agree with eva. What a little hoe! haha it's probably one of my good friends.. but oh well, everyone deserves a little butt-kicking sometimes :). And a lot girls were snobby little bitches back then so don't feel bad. Especially since most boys didn't even like girls yet. So you were one step ahead!
The worst thing that anyone has every said to me wasn’t even directed at me in particular. I can very distinctly remember one night a few years back when my dad was going through a particularly rough time at work. They were treating him unfairly at his military job, and to make things worse, his other job at US Airways was possibly going to go out of business in the near future. I remember my parents screaming and fighting with each other right in front of my sister and me. It was one of those moments where I was frightened for my parents, for what either of them was capable of. I didn’t know what was going to happen next. It got to the point where my mother couldn’t take any more of the verbal abuse so she started to turn away from him to walk out the door of our house. I was a little bit younger so I was very frightened by the extremely loud voice of my father and his threatening tone. My sister and I instinctively followed after my mother to walk out with her and perhaps console her (or gain some kind of comfort from her). I can remember he said along the wording of, “Oh sure. Follow your mother. Go then. All of you. Don’t come back.” To me, this was the worst thing I could hear from him. Until then, I had never really involved myself in any of the fighting between my parents and never really thought any of the anger was directed to me. When he said “all of you don’t come back” it really made me break down and think that he didn’t love me. What I get from this is that I really want to please my father and both of my parents in general. I like to do well and receive praise from them even if it is just a joking “look, I got another letter from school telling me how good of a parent I am because you have such spectacular grades.” I never want to feel worthless or a burden to my parents. I never want to feel unwanted. Till this day, that was the only moment that I really felt like my father didn’t want me. I know now that he loves me more than anything and was really just extremely aggravated and stressed at his situation in life. He never should have said what he did, but I still took it to heart and remember it because it made such an impression on me.
I can honestly say I have thought about it for over a day, but I still couldn’t come up with what the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me was. I have been called a lot of nice things and have had people say a lot of flattering statements to me, but nothing really stood out in my memory. Then I thought of something that Brian said to me. “You are the most beautiful piece of art ever.” To any of you, it probably sounds like a stupid pick up line or you probably just rolled your eyes at it, but to me, it really made me feel special, loved, and secure. He didn’t say it at any mushy romantic moment or at a time where it would have made sense. He didn’t say it when he first saw me or even when our relationship was fresh and new. He said it out of the blue after over a year of dating and after seeing me at some of my worst, most trying, ugliest (physically and mentally) moments. That has told me a lot about him and a lot about us. I know he wasn’t just talking about me in a purely physical way. He has told me numerous times that he loves how I’m smart and that he can talk to me, but he isn’t one to usually express exactly how he feels (especially in pretty metaphors). He probably doesn’t even remember saying this to me, but I remember it very distinctly. I guess it says, again, that I like to feel loved and wanted by those that I care about.
Morgan,
I can see where you're coming from with your sister. I have had lots of moments with my sister where she has told me terrible things and even though I was mad at her at the time, they still stuck with me and stung. I guess when anyone you're close to tells you they think you're crap, it's going to hurt.. These little kids need to respect their eilders. They don't know what we do to burn their future trails, right? :]
Tarah- Aw! Your nicest thing made me so happy and smile. I thought it was adorable because i know how much more it means when someone who is pretty laconic decides to open up to you. It means so much coming from them. Plus that was a pretty cute line :]
Matt W-
Your story made me pretty down. I know as a girl i've done things that were crappy but nothing excuses that. I don't think anyone has the right to do that to anyone else. Yet don't sweat it. Girls and guys do stupid things in middle school and even in high school when it comes to the other gender. I know because some of the girls i know and even guys, including myself are guilty as charged.
Morgan-
I despise family arguments like that. When you think about it, your family knows you better then anyone. So when something hurtful comes out of their mouths, it stings. I can relate to what you're saying, as I have had countless exchanges like this with my brother and sisters. At the end of the day, however, you know they love you. Probably too much, which makes it easy for them to spew insults at you. I think everyone with a sibling can relate to that type of venomous, emotional, passionate arguing. At its core, I think it is nothing more then a form of venting.
This would be on hell of a lot easier if I really bothered to pay
attention to what others said about me since I tend to zone things out
whether I should or not.
I can't really say what the worst thing ever said to me has been thus
far; it's really hard. I never had any problems with my family when I
was little and I didn't have to deal with other little kids because I
had my teachers wrapped around my fingers so even if they said
something nasty, I got instant retribution. I never cared about what
other kids said; they never seemed all that important to me growing up
since I had books and text books and Barney to keep me company (which I
will admit is really, really, REALLY sad. Darn my life has been
pathetic thus far.)
So I'm going to put that out of the way for right now and move onto
what the nicest thing someone has ever said to me is.
Hate to admit this though I do, the nicest thing ever said to me was
not actually from a person (which is just really sad, so again I'll
admit that I am pathetic and therefore have no real life.)
It follows as such:
"PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR-GAKK-GAKK-GAKK-GAKK-COUGH-
COUGH-COUGH-HACK-GAKK-GAKK!...............
.......PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRR."
Yeah, I know, I know. There really isn't anything said, but you
know... sometimes the best things said to you aren't really spoken, but
given. FYI: that was my cat Hershey. He's bitter and cynical and
extremely sarcastic (like a certain girl I know) but he never seems to
think twice when it comes to making me happy and cheering me up. My
first cat (Max) never purred and our other cat (Ninni) didn't know how
to purr (honestly. That cat was just really dumb and she would try to
purr, but it always sounded more like an engine getting clogged than
something that should come from a cat.) But Hershey always purrs when
I'm nearby and it makes me smile. The GAKKs and the COUGHs come from
the fact that he has this major fur ball stuck in his throat that he
refuses to fully cough up (he gets close but then he'll swallow it back
down, which is really disturbing. I'm always afraid that when ever he
starts hacking when he's on my bed it'll just fly out and I don't feel
like cleaning up cat vomit. Eww... cat vomit.)
AS for the worst thing ever said to me, I guess I'm going to have to
put down SOMETHING! GAHH!
Oh! I think I know what to say!
"Let's be pals. You're my very best friend. Hold me tight. Play
with ME!"
I know that doesn't seem so bad, but you honestly have to know the
full story because these words have caused me some serious trauma when
I was a little girl.
So here's what happen: It was my birthday and I was turning three
(like I said in a past blog, I have a good recollection of when I was
really little) and I was opening a gift sent to me from on of my Mom's
friends. It was a toy bear, but not just any toy bear. This thing was
heavy and hard though it was supposed to be soft and cuddly and cute,
but it was honestly the ugliest thing I had ever seen. But my mom said
that it was from the same company that did my Dream with Me bear, so it
had to be good. But she was so wrong. you see, the Dream with Me bear
was for children that were loved by their parents. This bear was for
children that had parents that hated them with an undying passion and
wanted them to grow up terribly warped and disturbed. I pressed
this... thing's paw and it started to talk. I can honestly say that
I've never shown disdain for any gift people have given me but this
one. It made me cry the thing was just that scary. I ran from the
room. Let me repeat that: I RAN from the ROOM! That bear was and is
the DEVIL! DEVIL!! The you could hear the gears in its head move when
it talked and its eyes were off center like some sorry looking baby
suffering from fetal alcohol syndrome. This thing was spooky. And I
still HAVE THE FREAKING THING AND I DON'T KNOW WHY!!! It still scares
the crap out of me to this day, as it does to my mom and my brothers
and my sister and those friends I have that have actually SEEN the
thing. I'm scared to have it, but I'm even more scared to get rid of
it because it might come after me and try to kill me if I do.
Stupid freaky bear!
MattW: Dude, who was it that said that to you because I will so totally
hunt that chick down and beat her into a coma. Or break her elbows.
Whichever works for you. RAWR!
EvaB: I like the fact that you help out others (in fact, I thrive off
of it.) Remember what my brother John said: Lockwood was dropped on
his head as an infant by the nursing staff and spent his childhood
wearing a helmet as he beat trees with sticks. And trust me, John is
very good when it comes to knowing such things.
Jordan: How DARE you say that about Toni! BAD JORDAN BAD! JK! LOLZ.
Well this is an interesting blog. It takes a lot-for me at least-to say what the worst and the best thing I was ever told was. I find it particularly challenging, for me, because I remember and try to analyze so many of the little things that people say to me that all the important stuff is lost. You can ask me what anyone has said to me in the past two point five years and I probably will tell you all of the tiny comments that really stuck out in my mind but really mean nothing. That’s it! None of the soul-touching good (or bad)-ness that I’m sure you are looking for. No worries though… I can’t tell you what the worst or best news to reach my ears is right on the spot, but since I’ve had a few days to really mull it over and separate the stupid from the possibly significant, I think I’ve gotcha!
I’ll start with the worst thing anyone has ever said to me because that way I’ll have the good news to fall back on after my depression sets in.
Disclaimer: I’m going to be honest and though it may not seem as though this would be awful…it really does feel that way.
The worst thing that anyone has ever said to me was during freshman year. I won’t say by whom because: A. It’s a teacher B. They still work at Oakcrest and C. I don’t want to call them out. SO here’s the situation we had going on here… as you know I’m visually impaired and have an IEP and all that junk; well, during my freshman year I was fresh out of brain surgery, only four months. That being said, I wasn’t used to my new environment or my new found sight deficit (mind you, my vision was much worse when I was fourteen). This teacher never enlarged anything for me and frankly, was quite rude to me when all am to authority figures is respectful and polite. This particular subject had always been my worst and they did not even try to help me when I made the conscious effort MULTIPLE times. This resulted in me getting a low B or a C minus, or something. This did not please me at all. I had grown up being in the challenging classes all my life and now I was in these rudimentary general ed and CP courses that I had already taken back in my “smarty-pants” days- which consequently guaranteed me a 98 to 100 in all classes EXEPT this one. I was definitely uptight about this grade business and maybe a little concerned that to break an IEP is a breach of contract- which is not good. So every day you could find me in guidance complaining to my social worker. We spent the whole entire year battling this; the teacher got numerous “intense” emails from my mom and administrators, had various meetings about this, and they NEVER changed. One day when I raised my hand during class work time and asked for help (I didn’t have an aid those days) because the paper was in about 10 point font they said to me, “you know what Deana, if you can’t see the work maybe you don’t belong in my class”.
That comment definitely hit me hard. I cried but I didn’t let them get the satisfaction of seeing it happen. It upset me for many reasons…some of which I still don’t fully understand: A. They were being so mean to me for no reason, B. I was extra sensitive that year due to the fact that my brain had just been invaded, C. They were saying I was stupid- in my eyes- all because I needed extra time and enhanced font, D. He was showing a prejudice and resenting me for what? I’m sorry God damned me with a deadly ailment and that I lived all to end up in your class, and E. I didn’t have anyone at all that year. No friends, no one to talk to, no comfort at all; I was holding in all of this anger and pain and I just had enough…I knew I wasn’t normal- that I was weak- and that was the part that I just couldn’t accept yet.
Next we have the best compliment I have ever gotten, it was actually this year. I was having a conversation over instant messenger with a friend- Wendell- and he just opened up and told me about what his life has been like for the last 13 years (he got leukemia when he was four). I just sat and listened and was as caring as I could be. After it was over he said this:
“ I’ve never met someone as caring and compassionate, sensitive to people’s needs as you :)
: youre such a loving person”
That was honestly the nicest thing I’ve ever heard. No one is that nice tome…my parents call me lazy, my sisters call me some names…none of them even remotely nice- I might add, and Oak people don’t know me well enough to compliment me on that level. All I have heard from Oak is how arrogant I am- which is not true- although, I do not blame anyone because shyness and arrogance are actually quite often confused.
I would say that the two choices I made reveal just a tiny glimpse of what I’m like inside this muddled brain of mine. I think it shows that I am insecure and desperate for a sign that I am worthy of the second chance I got. It shows that I am shy, out of fear of being rejected if I talk. I think?
Matt W.:
Okay…well this might sound kind of lame but I like how you always start your blogs with little quotes. It’s so adorable how you always tie it right in. Bravo! Haha. I wish I could do that but I read everyone’s blogs and it’s like they stole everything that I could have said…call me “unoriginal” ..I guess. I’m so jealous of how people can think of the exact right quote from the exact right person at the exact right time! It’s so hard for me…maybe it’s all about being well read...Should I read more than just this mind candy goop that I read?
The worst thing that has ever been said to me wasn’t said directly to me. It’s complicated. I’ve been trying to my first “report card” for the past fifteen minutes but I can’t find it. My mom probably has it hidden somewhere so I won’t disorganize her little memories from our childhood. Oops I kinda did just that. Oh well, moving on, my first report card wasn’t given to me by a teacher, it was given to me by a psychologist. I discovered this in around fifth grade one day when I was looking through my little memories and on the bottom of the pile there it was and envelope like any other but this one had on it the word children psychology center or something like that. So I opened it. It was a letter informing my parents of “my diagnosis”. I had the mental age of a two year old. I was three years old at the time of the test, so they were pretty much saying that I scored a 66.66666667%. There were little side notes on this report card. They said things like, She turns to her mom after something new is presented to her and says “Look mommy!” as if something was wrong with that. They also suggested that I speak only English at home. If I had the slightest idea who the hell this person was I would go up to them and slap them right across their pretty face. I hate them. Who the hell are they to say that I’m dumb? Someone could insult me as much they want but if they can not call me retarded. I’m not always the brightest crayon in the box but I’m not stupid. Oh and why the hell do I have to stop speaking Spanish? I can’t forget my roots. It’s part of who I am. It’s the thing that links me to my ancestors and to my extended family of present day. Don’t they know that bilinguals make a lot more money as adults then people who just speak stupid old English? Sorry no offense. Ugggh! I hate them! But they were one of the factors that made me work hard to good grades in middle school. I want to just rub it in their face. “Ha! You said I was dumb! Straight A’s! Whatcha got to say now punk?” Well not exactly but you get the point.
Now for the yang. The best compliment that I’ve ever received would have to be when I was… Okay to tell you the truth I don’t really have one. I know of comments that people have said to me that have shown that they really care about me. They aren’t really compliments though. I do enjoy compliments like you have really pretty eyes or wow you did a great job on that bulletin board but what sticks out to me are the comments that have feelings of care and love. Even though I know that “I love you” is redundant to some or “Well I wanna be there” for you seems corny to people, I like it. Call me a cornball. I don’t care. I love knowing that the people that I am closest to in this world would actually take the time in their busy schedule to make sure that I have everything I would ever need. Them.
My personality. Well I don’t really mind what people have to say unless it is really important to me or I’m passionate about the opposite. I care a ton about the few people in my world. I’m a crazy, stubborn, cornball who doesn’t let go of the past easily. And I try hard to get what I deserve. That’s about it. Peace!
Morgan C
Wow. It's quite ironic that the people who hurt us most in this world are sometimes the people who care the most about us. But that's family for you. I know that you can't help but want your sister to be like you but she isn't you. She does care about you and admire you but probably hasn't found the right way to show you yet.
Toni
Wow. I can’t believe someone would actually say that. What a jerkface move. It’s one thing to wonder about something in your head, and keep it to yourself, but who actually says things like that??? That’s like a girl asking her boyfriend, “how do I look?” and him saying, “like shit.”
P.s wrist size isn't connected to body weight, just height. like small wrists=shorter frame.
One of them used to be the girl in high school who dated five guys at once, and was the outcast in a cheerleading squad. She paid her way through college on nickels and dimes in order to fulfill the job of her dreams as a nurse working in the emergency room. In high hopes of living the “American Dream”, she got her white picket fence, big house, four children, and life-partner. Currently, she is in desperate need of a hearing aid, and freely overreacts to any minor problem. The other was a guy you could easily picture getting beat up in his younger years. He cared far too much about school and currently cares far too much about his job, and now realizes in his mid-life crisis that he has wasted away more than half of his life. Thankfully, he went against his previous wishes never to get married or have children, and now has a wife who regularly buys him books on how to “calm the soul”, “enjoy old age”, and “ live free and happy again”. He has even found his own ways to making his life happier by spending green paper on automobiles, boats, jetskiis, and various houses. These are my parents. Truth be told, I don’t care much for either one of them. Parents are, after all, not one of the three essentials needed for survival. They are merely two people who form an attachment, bring you into the world, and then allow you to follow the same cycle. These two individuals are not necessary to our lives. As long as there is someone there to teach us how to properly function on this planet, we survive. This person does not have to be a parent; it can be anyone who has sufficiently matured up to the point of knowing how to function properly physically, mentally, and emotionally in our interactions with others. Parents could well be considered an accessory.
The worst thing that has ever been spoken from lips to enter my ears, reflect this view of mine. Yet, it also reflects my weakness to fully embody this view as a result of typical humanness. The conversation began with my little sister the moment she decided to enter my room. She sat on my bed and began to point things out in my room which appealed to her. “I’ve always liked that lamp by your bed.” “Gosh, you have so many clocks in this room.” “I love that purple wine bottle you have by your Italian table.” “I can’t believe you got a full bed, when the rest of us are stuck with twin beds.” “I wish I had that Italian painting of yours. You should move it over there.” “Your desk is so much better than mine.” “Why did you have to get those plastic manikins to hang up pretty clothes on?” The conversation continued to dig deeper and deeper into my skin, and I could tell where the conversation was headed. Eventually, however, she said something that while I did expect, hurt me more than I thought it would. She then said, “You always get anything you want. Mom and Dad always get you whatever you want probably ‘cause you’re always so nice to Mom.” And then the final punch, “You’re such a momma’s girl.” At that point, she had not just simply ‘crossed the line’; she sprinted past that line and kept going. A “momma’s girl”. First, I would like to point out the fact that the only things that I have ever asked for from my parents that are in my room are my pink Hello Kitty TV, my purple closet (since there isn’t one built in anywhere), and a few of my clocks. I was given my desk when I was four, I was given my bureau when I moved downstairs, my bed came from the attic because it was just sitting up there and no one was using it, and my kitchen rack was given to me because my mother no longer wanted it. Second, I confess; I am nice to my mother. It’s a crime, I know, and I really shouldn’t be so nice to her; I should treat her like dirt since that is apparently what I am supposed to do. I shouldn’t go with her on Friday nights to pick up take-out for dinner. I shouldn’t put up with her deafening Josh Groban music in the car. I shouldn’t laugh at her jokes just to let her know that someone hears them. I shouldn’t respond to her when I come home from school and she asks me how school was, and I shouldn’t attempt to let her know that even during those times when the rest of her children are aggravated with her, that at least one of her children is willing to put up with her. I hate myself for doing it. She is not necessary to my life, nor am I necessary to hers. So Tommi, you’re right; I am a ‘momma’s girl’, but I am more than ashamed of it. By pretending to be on my mother’s side, I am contradicting myself, and that is the worst thing that anyone could ever live with.
On the positive side:
“Love of my life, Happy Sweet 16! Babe, you continually amaze me and enchant everyone around you. A powerful woman, your unique creativity, invincible work ethic, and angelic beauty complement your intense focus. There’s so much life inside you. You’re so wonderful! I love you so much, Ash!” –Your sister up the staircase who will always meet you for discussions. -Jess
This is by far the best complement I have ever been given over these seventeen years, and will probably remain so for the rest of my life. I cried hysterically when she presented me with this letter and a chocolate cake with candles on it really late at night while everyone else was still sleeping. Although this complement was written in a letter, my older sister always tells me things like this in person whenever I see her. Perhaps I believe this is the best complement I have ever been given because it lets me know that there is someone who really understands me out there, and who sees so much more in me than I am able to see in myself. She is that person in my life who I can’t live without. Parents and siblings are not essential, but she has proven to be the ultimate exception. The truth is that I can’t live without her. I have been able to blossom into the person I am today because of her. She has always been there for me, but I hate the fact that I have become so dependent upon her. I don’t know how my eyes could ever open again, knowing that her existence does not live and breathe upon this planet.
Knowing what comments I have chosen as being my best and worst, I suppose they reveal the fact that I either don’t want to or am afraid of getting too close to others. After all, close relationships are, without a doubt, dangerous because you never want them to be broken. When they are broken, you face the unfortunate regret of ever having established them. Maybe I don’t want to face the fact that they will eventually be broken. Eventually, they will be cut with rusted scissors, and there’s nothing you can do to stop the two handles from closing in on one another. Eventually, you will have to face being alone; a death which forces you to keep on living. Why would anyone ever want to establish a relationship if there lays the possibility of it leading to regret and loneliness? The answer is that it is better to take that risk than never having experienced a relationship at all; never having fulfilled that curiosity. I have already established two very close relationships with my mother and older sister, and although I have risked being faced with regret and loneliness, I would be facing them anyway if I never experienced the relationships to begin with. This is not to say that regret and loneliness are inescapable. It is to say that while we may face them, their risks behold far too many consequences if not taken. I need to convince myself that while I am afraid of an ending to such relationships, such endings can be worthwhile. These endings do lead to ruts in a road, but there’s still an entire road to be further traveled upon.
In response to Toni M:
I read your blog a while ago, and I felt as if I just had to comment on it. In health class, I learned about the whole wrist-thing too. When I put my fingers around my wrist and they overlapped one another, the first feeling I felt was not pride, but disgust. For a really long time, I’ve wanted to become bigger and fuller at least (I tell Alison this in gym all the time). Really though, I can’t stand anymore how thin and weak I feel. I just thought that after reading your comment, it’s funny to think that people want such opposite things. We fight for things so that we get “social approval”, but in reality, there are no standards. Well, okay, that’s a little confusing, plus, I’m not sure if those are really the right words. What I am trying to say is that we fight to get so many different looks, but the “ideal look” is viewed in so many different perspectives that in essence, there is no “ideal look”. I also wanted to comment on the compliment you wrote about. For the journals last year (not the morality journals), Mr. Costal would always write “the golden standard” for me. I fought so hard last year to impress him with my writing, and it’s ashame to think that now that he could care less about me. Oh well. I’m glad though that his comment to you on the morality journals really meant a lot to you. I also really liked the conclusion of your blog: “I do for others rather than myself.” It’s strange to think that doing so can be a good thing and a bad thing at the same time. It’s good to help others and care for them, but it’s not good to put them before yourself. Yet, then again, it is a good thing because lets say you (and I don’t mean you specifically, of course) get in an airplane crash. It would be a good thing to try to help as many other people as possible once you find yourself on the ‘deserted island’, instead of just taking care of yourself, but you still have to pay equal attention to yourself. I suppose it just depends upon the situation to determine if “doing for others rather than yourself” is a good or bad thing. Overall, a very interesting and well-done blog, Toni.
Bleh. I hate being dishonest in these blogs, but I can't actually put in the worst thing someone has ever said to me. Why? Because that person would probably see it. So rather than having the worst thing anyone has ever said to me, I'm left mulling over a whole bunch of bad things people have said to me. Sure do feel good about that.
This blog response is off to a great start!
I suppose I must be extremely lucky. Except for one terrible, hurtful thing, I can' treally think of anything turrberile people have said to me. (Yes, that is a real fake word I just made up) Life's been pretty good for me, save maybe one year. Even that year could be looked upon as a learning experience. Of course... I am very, very good at blocking out memories I dislike. I'll have forgotten something that will scar one person for life by the next Thursday if I'm able to convince myself it won't hurt anything. I suppose the worst thing I can think of is “You left me alone.”
Weaksauce, I know. But it's still not a pleasant thing to hear from someone you've been trying to help, especially when you've been feeling oh-so-very alone yourself. Even still, this only really managed to confuse and frustrate me, like cheap bullets bouncing off the hide of a steel plated rhino. This is, of course, because men are not understanding of emotions, like the other sex. We have happy, angry, sleepy, sad, and uh... Football. Yeah, that sounds about right. Manly.
Thankfully, I have no lack of kind words that have been given to me over the years. Once again, I'm going to avoid actually saying what the nicest thing was. This isn't to protect anybody, obviously. It's just embarrassing. I'm sure that at this point, you're terribly frustrated with my lack actual answer here, and you would be right to be. It annoys me too, but this is simply a blog question with answers I'd rather not make public. I hope you can understand.
Still, I suppose the best compliment doesn't necessarily have to mean nicest thing, or thing that makes you feel the best. Somebody, I forget who, said something to me in middle school that profoundly affected me, and made me think. I suppose it's not strictly a compliment, but I took it as such. Someone asked me, straight-faced, how I managed to be so happy all the time. I wish I'd figured out the answer to that question. It'd've made life a good deal simpler. Still, it allowed me a chance for some introspection in a time where I had none, so I'm thankful.
I'm not really sure what these choices say about me. That I'm actually a secretive person? That seems a bit of a stretch. I suppose, when I look at it, it seems to indicate that how the message makes me think means more to me than the message itself. I'd hoped to find something a bit more profound than that. Ah well. C'est la vie.
To Eva: Well. This really just cements what I already figured. Not much really gets to you, huh?
Except when something finally does bug her. Then things get scary. Don't make Eva angry, people. Trust me.
Jordan and I were sitting in front of his house several months ago (damn man, you get used a lot in blogs), having a decent conversation back and forth. Actually, it was more of a rant about all the people we’ve been annoyed by. Anyways, he brought up an interesting point.
According to Jordan, he judges intelligence based on the ability of a person to throw words together form the palette of language, and form a beautiful picture. And being ostentatious doesn’t exactly fit into this category; it’s more of an ability to be succinct.
Now, I didn’t quite agree with this statement fully, since I take a lot more into account when determining a person’s intelligence than just vocabulary. One of the smartest people I know is well uneducated, has been homeless several times, and isn’t very flowery in vocabulary. But he's pretty damn smart. However, it was a well made point. I maybe be ranting and straying off topic, but I’d like to get this off my chest.
Nothing pisses me off more than people who abbreviate unnecessarily. This isn't just to save time, but to the point that is seems like they are incapable of putting in the small effort to add an extra syllable in. “Ridiculous” becomes “ridic”. My friend La Tay Tay recently called me “Jel”, which apparently means “jealous.”
It’s common place right? But perhaps the most annoying of all is this girl who I erroneously gave my number to. I have nothing against her, but her writing style (or lack thereof?) makes me angrier than Ann Coulter in bitch rehab.
Now I realize texting naturally results in the degradation of proper syntax and punctuation. A silly note, but I can’t text without honoring the code of proper English. I just can’t stand myself if I don’t. But anyways, here would be a sample text from her.
“L1keee oMG it’S s0 c0ld 0ut her 2day I feal l1k3 an eskim0!!!! bUT they hav3 igl00s!!!!! I w1sh I h@D 1!!!!!!!”
My eyes burnt up writing that, and I’m sure it did for most of you too. And I'm not exaggerating- that's actually a good text from her.
What the hell people, have we foregone evolution and taken a step back? What are we, sloths? Proper English is writhing in pain on the ground from all its misuses, but some of us have the nerve to step on it with 5 inch stilettos.I really don't care about "igl00s" or "eskim0s".
And as Deana put in her speech, modernized society has really lost sight of what words were once capable of, and are undermining its value in the process. The words “hate”, “love”, and “change” are examples of words that have lost their efficacious meanings, and are shell of the words they once were. And don’t get me started on weak adjectives like “cool” and “interesting”. What happened to vibrant words?
And as an odd note, I have fears that the English language is going to go strangely Orwellian, and the colorful words I so enjoy we’ll be phased out by Newspeak.
"If you want a stronger version of "good", what sense is there in having a whole string of vague useless words like "excellent" and "splendid" and all the rest of them? "Plusgood" covers the meaning, or "doubleplusgood" if you want something stronger still. "
It’s someone’s ability to find the exact right word that determines their writing abilities. I feel like we’re on a downslide.
Scary,eh?
Anyways, back to the topic at hand. Like several responses before, my most vivid memory of a scarring phrase can be attributed to a family member, or more specifically, my father. I think my dad has a lust for anger. He’s the kind of person that actively SEEKS for something to get mad at.
“JANIRU! YOU LEFT A GRAIN OF RICE ON THE FLOOR!”
“JANIRU! WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT LEAVING YOUR TOOTHPASTE CAP OFF? YOU CAN GET SICK!”
"JANIRU! STOP LEAVING YOUR PICKS ON THE FLOOR! IT LOOKS MESSY!"
I think he’s insane at times. And he doesn’t just yell, he gets pissed off. He’s stubborn as hell, and I’ve learned to block out what he’s saying over time. But he has a nasty habit of calling my brother and I out, even if we’re literally in the same room. So I’ve gotten my fair share of “you’re worthless”, “you’re not my son”, and so on. It just scares me how little he realizes that impacts me. Don’t get me wrong, I love my dad to death, but he tends to be a stubborn, dense, psychopath on most days. And it does shake your foundation when your own father calls you worthless.
Best compliment I’ve gotten? I honestly have no clue. I feel pretty accepted as is, and that’s good enough for me. I know not everyone likes me, but I don’t think I have a bone to pick with anyone. For me, I couldn’t ask for anything more. I suppose when I’m told "you're intelligent" or "you have a bright future" by an authority figure, it makes me happy. But for the most part, compliments (or insults) bounce off of me.
I guess that shows I look up to higher authority figures, and enjoy being a neutral party. Or maybe it means nothing. I don't know.
There is always the good and the bad in this world. Everyone faces them both but sadly most people try to point out the sad. No one focuses on how wonderful their life might be. Everyone wants to be the victim and have the sympathy of people around them.
I have been called many things but the worst thing that someone said to me was “I hate you. You are the worst sister on earth. I wish that I was an only child.” These harsh words cam from my sister. Usually people know her as the intelligent, nice, and pretty one but on the inside she can be as horrible as well I guess there is nothing that I can compare her to. She is just so horrible sometimes.
These words came on a very bad day. She had just gotten home from college and wasn’t having the best day on earth. She came into the living room and sat on the sofa. I looked at her an said “whats up.” The answer I get is change the channel and put something else on. Even though I was watching my one of my favorite movies: Pirates of the Caribbean, I switched the channel for her. She then complained about the speed that I was reading through the scroll down menu. But I took it in, and didn’t say a word. Then she finally picked a channel and 5 minuets later said turn it off I am tired. I want to get some rest. I told her that she can rest in her room so I can watch TV here. And from then on the argument started. There was no stopping us when the words starting coming out of our mouths. My parents weren’t home so there was no one to stop us. But then suddenly on her first day back she said “I hate you. You are the worst sister on earth. I wish that I was an only child.” The room fell silent because I had nothing to say back to that. I rarely used the word “hate” seriously. I turned around and walked out of the room. I didn’t dare shed a tear because if I showed any weakness, well then she would attack me again. I held my emotions inside and went about my day ignoring her.
This was the worst thing anyone has ever said to me because I she never said anything like that to me. We usually got along great but I don’t even know what happened. One minuet we were alright and the next minuet we were in an argument that lasted for days. I felt devastated at first. I tried to back track and see what I had done wrong. But then devastation soon led to anger and frustration. No one had ever said that to me before so I didn’t know how to handle or take in.
The best thing and most wonderful thing that anyone has ever said to me came from Alice. Yes the Alice Hu in my class. Growing up I have always had a problem with my self-confidence. I could never seal with public speaking so it tried to ignore it as much as I could. Moving from country to country I didn’t really understand on how to make friends on my first day. When I first went to Australia I didn’t know much English. I was made fun for that and the fact that I was the only non-white kid. It was hard getting used to a life to being made fun of. But then when things started to get better I came here. I was made fun of here because of my Australian accent. I once again went through torture and humiliation. But eventually I found people that I could relate to. But even then the fear of being made fun of existed in my heart. And until now I still have that fear, but it’s a little less thanks to Alice. When we were told that we had to do a speech I was afraid once again. But on my way to physics Alice said that I didn’t have to worry. She told me that I had a presence when I talked to someone. When I was me. At that moment I felt a little better about myself. A little less afraid and a little more accomplished.
Everyone has their ups and down and that’s what usually define them. The environment and surroundings you go through are who you are most of the time. But then there are some extraordinary occurrences that can be life changing.
Morgan C: WOW, we had the same situation (well really close) for the worst thing ever said. But your sister like mine might have said that to you but on the inside she loves you.
Ugh, best compliment. There are obviously "nice" things people have said about me, regarding either my athleticism, looks, personality, whatever it may be. I don't take compliments well, but if it means something to me I sometimes take it to heart. The one person I could complain about anything to and know she wants to listen, is my best friend Sarah. We can talk and complain for hours and still have shit to complain about. Whether it be our family problems, lack of friends and sociability, anything. One thing her and I always love to talk about it college. We both have huge dreams and goals and we don't want anyone or anything getting in our way. But when my aunt told me that I was being very unrealistic of thinking I'm gonna go away to college, let me tell you, I was flipping shit. I explained to Sarah the whole ordeal, and it wasn't necessarily a compliment that she gave me. She told me that I just need to tell my whole family to fuck themselves because I'm better than every single one of them and have so much more going for myself. She said that with all the crap thrown my way, I've managed to make something of myself already and don't need to rely on any of them because I'll make it, no matter what. Obviously I simplified what she said because I don't remember the exact wording, but that's as close as it can get. And I may tell myself and family that I don't need them, that I'll be fine, that I'm going to make all my dreams happen, but very rarely do people assure me of that. And since I've been friends with Sarah for 8 years, I could tell that she wasn't just saying that to make me feel better. She truly meant it, and it was one of the best feelings I've ever had.
So, what do I think the incident in softball and this comment reflect about my character or personality? I think I rely a lot on the affirmation of others. It's not good enough for me to know something, I need to prove it to others. So if someone tells me that I'm bad at something, when I'm sure I'm not, or if someone tells me my goals are unrealistic, it really brings me down. Then again, if people commend me of my accomplishments or dreams, or confirm my beliefs, I feel like the effort I've put out and what I believe in was all worthwhile.
-What is the worst thing anyone has ever said to you?
Well just yesterday Mikey said I was the reason all babies die… As I love babies this was heartbreaking, but I knew he was joking so – it doesn’t count.
The true worst thing I’ve ever heard directed at me went something along the lines of,
“You’re a selfish bitch.”
Though this was said in the midst of a rather heated argument, it was the one thing that really stung afterwards. Perhaps it was the conviction in the voice. This small comment made me think about myself in a new light. I started to wonder if I was truly so selfish and self-centered.
-Why do you think it was the worst thing?
This was the worst thing ever uttered at me due to the intense hurt that followed when it was said. This hurt came because the person who screamed this at me had never even suggested that such thoughts ran about in their head. Thus, I was blindsided, caught unawares and unguarded. This attack caused great pain, though not physical but emotional. The unexpected, but not unprovoked attack left me stunned, leading to my defeat in the argument that set the scene for this tale.
-How did it make you feel?
This small comment of about four words soon became a burr under my saddle, worrying away at the self understanding held in my mind up to that point. I was plagued with the thought that I made no decisions to help anyone other than myself. Now I was not under the misconception at the time that I was completely selfless and that all of my actions were to benefit others, however I had thought that I went out of my way at times to help other people. Apparently however, in the eyes of this person, this was not the case. I only thought of myself and look out for #1. Robert Greene would be proud. This made me slightly angry, for to my understanding, I was a person who worked towards happiness, for both others and myself. If I was truly this selfish, how had I not noticed it before? How had it been overlooked by so many? Also, it helped me to understand many things about myself, mainly why I had so few friends. I was a person who looked out for #1 and who rarely took the time to listen or talk with others, thus alienating myself from my peers. Mostly however, I just felt wounded, like I’d been slapped for no reason. It was an odd feeling.
-What is the best compliment you have ever received?
Once I had a person look me in the eyes and tell me, “Alison, you can do whatever you want to. Don’t let anyone hold you back.”
-Who said it?
I was told this by a woman named Leanne Migalski. She is a friend of our family who used to live just down the street. I spent my first sleepover at her house and she has led the ‘Keep Alison From Getting Skin Cancer’ campaign with the slogan, “Did you put sunscreen on?” Other than that she is a woman who I admire greatly. She was a nurse and a flight attendant. Her children were some of my best friends growing up. I spent hours at her house as a child. We often brought our semi-emergency medical situations to their house such as when my little brother Everett stuck a small screw up his nose and it got stuck. Don’t worry it was removed fine. Leanne was one of the odd cases where I was almost as good of a friend with the mom as the child. Often when her kids were at swim practice in Ocean City, we would go for a walk along the boardwalk and talk. Now that their family has moved to Manahawkin, we see them quite often in the summer when we visit my grandmother in Ship Bottom. So we have biweekly meetings on lazy Sunday afternoons as the tourists leave the beach and the sun begins to set. We talk about everything and the kids (myself included) go swimming and cause general mayhem on the beach.
-Why do you think it was the best compliment?
This was the best compliment because it simply told me to do what I wanted. It did not reinforce one image of me or the other, it just supported. I was not immediately struck by the beauty of this compliment, but coming from Miss Leanne, it was huge. To me she exemplifies a worldly woman who knows many different people. This compliment gave me confidence in anything that I wanted to do. That is one of the most precious gifts that I have ever been given.
-What do you think your choices say about your personality?
These small phrases that affected me so much tell me that I am not the self-confident person that I had thought I was and now are giving me much to think about. My personality seems to be affected by what other people think of me. I can’t say that I am happy about this as I have liked to think that I am independent of what others thought of me before. I seem to be discovering a new me in AP Lang… Thanks Bunje. :)
Ashley… I’m confused by your negative comment. This could very well be because I’m missing your sarcasm, or that I’ve missed something big, but are you saying that the worst thing you could be is a ‘momma’s girl’?
Alice – I have to agree with your friend. Trust is a two way street and I can see a wonderful, loving, trusting person within you. She just needs to be let out sometimes. : )
Bunje – I still like this question, except for the fact that I have to answer it myself… : )
Every time I step out on the field it’s a reminder. Every time I visit a doctor my leg aches. Every time someone makes a joke about my leg it pisses me off and I remember my rage all over again. I wish I could take back one of the worst days of my life but it is what it is. I am so sick and tired of talking about it having flashbacks but I don’t think that I would be the player that I am today had I not been through all of it. At practice people joke around like oh Megli remember when you broke your femur and when Kelsey Cheek used to push you down the street in a wheelchair. When I hear it enough I really just want lash out. I get it, it is all in good fun but it really is not funny at all to me. I’d like the people who make these jokes to go through half the shit that I have been through and half the heartache that I have had. I often think you know what I am tired of this I want to just tell all of those people to shut the hell up you don’t know anything but then I would be the bitch. I am sure that I could put it in a nicer way but there is too much anger built up to sound nice. I got through my first surgery, 30 staples, two screws and all. It was beginning to become a reality that I would not be able to play ice hockey ever again but, it had not hit me entirely until October. I broke my leg so close to my knee that the doctor assumed that there was knee damage. After an MRI it was time to visit the doctor. It had not gone through my head once that I would need another surgery. Once the doctor looked at the results he concluded that I needed to have my knee scoped. This procedure was not nearly as extensive as my first surgery but I was fed up. I felt like everything that I worked towards now meant nothing. The doctor’s exact words were, “We have to go in and do surgery around your knee this will give me a better perspective of what I am working with as well as the damage.” Those words will be engraved into my mind forever. I tried to stay strong but that only lasted until the doctor left the room. I broke into tears that were full of anger, frustration, and disappointment. I said to my mom, “I am done, I can’t do another surgery, and I am tired of the pain.” I proceeded to cry for another ten minutes but it was not just over the surgery. It was the fact that it had just sunk in at that moment that hockey would no longer be a part of my life. This statement proves how sometimes I give up. It is one of the worst things to do but I lose sight of the light. When things get tough the most important thing is to never give up and always strive to do your best. This side of my personality has a weakness when it comes to a battle. I have no problem in conquering goals but when unexpected things occur one after another I do not have the ability to fight.
Now for the yang
I work at a physical therapy office and the truth is that I could spend all day there. My problems and pains become pity compared to what I have seen. I love the people that I work with and the patient’s stories show me more than they will ever know. One patient that I always worked with had a stroke. He had been in a wheelchair for 2 years and was now able to use a walker and make progress. He did not get too far but in his eyes he was walking. He was this little old man who had to be the positive in order to survive. I could picture him being the grandfather who looks into yours eyes and makes you feel on top of the world. Or the father that anyone would kill for. A lot of times he just needed someone to listen, add in an opinion, and give some positive reinforcement. The best compliment that I have ever received was from this wonderful man. We were having one of our typical conversations about life and his family. In the middle of the conversation he paused, looked at me, and said, “You are a great person and one day you will make and outstanding physical therapist.” I wanted to lean over and squeeze him to death. It was one of the nicest things that anyone has ever said to me. This is my choice of the best compliment because he gave me a sense of reassurance. I questioned whether or not patients enjoyed working with me. Those words gave me confidence and a new meaning to peruse this field. Every day that I worked I would look to see if he was in because he always knew how to make my day. My choice of the best compliment reveals that I lack confidence and either the best compliment or worst put down can make a huge difference in my life. It also shows how much I value the opinions of others which I try so desperately not to do.
Jen-
“And since I've been friends with Sarah for 8 years, I could tell that she wasn't just saying that to make me feel better. She truly meant it, and it was one of the best feelings I've ever had.”
Jen you are definitely going places in life and I can say that with one hundred percent confidence. Something hit me when I read this part of your blog. It is the fact that some of the best compliments can give you the greatest joy and feelings in your life. Your aunt is clueless and needs to realize that you are an amazing person who is going to be extremely successful and happy.
"That is so ugly."
I turn around in the lunch line, completely bewildered. The girl behind me, Lauren, is looking straight at me, so I know she's talking to me when she says, "Your outfit."
"What?" I demand, my voice, I'm proud to say, pretty hostile for a fourth grader.
Lauren looks around her with an incredulous expression, as if looking for Ashton Kutcher yelling, "You just got punk'd!" She turns back to me.
"Your pants. They totally don't match your shirt."
Now it's my turn for incredulity. Is she really insulting my color coordination as we wait in line for burnt pizza? "So?" I reply, my voice equal parts disgust and confusion.
Lauren lets out a little puff of breath. "Whatever," she huffs, "I was just trying to let you know that you're outfit's ugly."
Why, thank you for that insightful comment, you little prepubescent snob. Now that I'm fully aware of the situation, why don't I just go jump into that phone booth over there and do a five second Superman outfit change? Oh, darn, looks like I left my spandex leotard at home. But hey, tell you what, come monday, I'll be sure to send you a list of all the outfits I plan to wear for the week and make sure that YOU approve of them. Would that be acceptable to you, Lauren?
Naturally, since I was only in fourth grade at the time, and my vocabulary was not as advanced, I don't say this. I turned around and ignored Lauren for, well, the rest of the time between then and when she moved (back to Hell where she belongs, hopefully). But the memory of this encounter still angers me. This is actually the worst thing anybody has ever said to me. Now, is that to mean that this comment hurt more than any other I have recieved? Definitely not, but at least the comments that hurt were generally given by loved ones, and I could sort of understand where they were coming from. Lauren's comment, because of the sheer rudeness of it, earns the title of the worst. There was no reason for her to talk bad about my outfit. The whole thing was completely pointless, and the only motive I can divine on Lauren's behalf is plain meaness. Seriously. Lauren just insulted me, not because I had said or did anything to her, but just to try to hurt another individual. And it's not the comment that bothers me, but the idea that another human being (human status debatable in Lauren's case) could want to hurt someone else for no reason.
And yet, in a way, the comment itself bugs me. Not because it was an insult to me (or rather my fashion sense) but because that was the best she could come up with. "Your clothes are ugly"? Really? You go out of your way to insult me and that's the best you got? Frankly, I'm insulted that she couldn't think of a better insult.
Also, my clothes rocked, bitch. Back the hell off.
"This is officially the best journal ever. Publish it. You'll make millions."
Freshman year, Ms. Rock wrote this in my daily journal for Honors English. Then she told the class that I had written the best journal ever. The best. I don't think Ms. Rock realized how much these few short sentences meant to me. Never in my life had anybody ever called me the best at anything, nor has anybody since (unless you count eighth grade graduation awards ceremony, where they gave me a certificate for being best in the area of reading, which was definitely one of the highlights of my life, but since no one really said anything except "good job" I don't think this counts as best thing anyone's ever SAID to me). Anyway, I really liked and respected Ms. Rock, and for her to say that I was the best at something just sort of changed my entire outlook.
I think my choices say that I am a little naive, I hold on to grudges for way too long, and that, much as I like to think of myself as self-sufficient, I still crave recognition and respect from the people I respect.
Jen P,
A woman like the man at your baseball game is the reason my twin brother Ben stopped playing baseball. She said, "wow, that kid really sucks," when he came back from striking out. The problem is, Ben was only 8.
Also, it seems to me that, most of the time, the people we care about are the ones that hurt us the most. I guess they weren't kidding when they said, "You always hurt the ones you love."
I hate being sick. The upside is that I have time to do fun things without being interrupted by work. The downside is that I’m not in the mood to do any of them. Bah. On to the actual blog.
Life is filled with both blessings and curses. Those simple words that leave the mouths of people, many times without knowledge of the impact, can cause some of the best and worst moments in our lives. But life can be cruel at times. It seems that many can only remember the cruelest of moments. We seem to forget the good those few happy events can spread.
I, unlike many, can’t seem to remember a specific event that made me feel worse than any other. Sure, my life wasn’t filled with rainbows and lollipops, but there was nothing said to me that shattered my spirit completely, at least not for much longer than 2 hours.
There are, however, general words that seem to sting more than any other. Though most random insults and offhand comments don’t affect me, there are a few that do seem to hit me quite a bit more harshly than others.
I have always hated being left out of situations that I’m intrinsically related to. That is, deemed worthless, or horrible at something, unable to prove otherwise because I’m too pissed off to think correctly. Assuming I’m not walking up to someone completely random on the street, in which case it would be completely normal, being told “You can’t come along”, or even just “I can do it all on my own, so just don’t bother me” is extremely annoying. This is in part, why I hate random team placements in Gym class. People are arrogant. That’s fine. Other people are too arrogant. I get too annoyed to play correctly, even in cases where I’m sure I’m better than them. Please ignore the irony in the previous sentence. It just seems to play back to my early years of life where it was a daily event. It makes sense, of course, seeing as I was completely silent, and actually did suck at everything other than schoolwork (and serving in volleyball, for some reason or other). Those were also the days where I preferred math class over English class, so it doesn’t matter. Not sure if there’s a correlation though.
Best compliment I’ve ever received, huh? That will be easy…no, no it won’t. I can’t remember having taken any compliment that has affected me all that much in the long run. I simply remember saying “thanks”, and perhaps giving one back if it was related to an impressive feat. Compliments are nice, but they just seem some sort of negative buildup to really impact me, which, at that point, is to bring me out of my half-hearted state. I guess it truly is a good thing, seeing how I act in that state. It has happened many times before, but I guess the most recent was last week. I’ll have to thank you, Alison, for commenting on my speech.
In the end, what does it say about me? In the end, it seems that my want for acceptance is something that nags my subconscious constantly. I don’t like to be left out, but I don’t really care about much beyond that. As long a person’s perception of me is somewhat positive, I’m fine with it. Guess I don’t like having that much note, huh?
It's strange, how people who by all means should be bit actors in our lives, end up being enormous players in everything we do. The prime example being teachers. Forty-five minutes a day, a hundred and eighty days a year, less than six full days with any given teacher, maybe seven or eight if you're going crazy with the afterschool, and then in all likelihood you rarely ever see them again. Eight days to change your life. And every now and then, they manage.
The greatest compliment I've ever received goes to Señor Matlack. Since most of you don't know, I was a fail at Honors Chem. I had a C average for most of the year, but since I had an F for most of the time, I have absolutely no idea where I got that. And so, I went after for extra help a LOT. On one such occasion, after having gotten one problem out of a pageful we had for homework right, I was justly proud of myself. (3rd try... >.<) He was too, and he, being the guy he is, told me exactly what he thought my problem was. “See, Dan, you're very intelligent. Your only problem is panorama. Your problem isn't that you can only focus on one thing at a time, it's that you just take in everything around you. If you can learn to focus on the task at hand, you'll have no problems.” I may be paraphrasing that, but I remember it clearly enough, despite it having happened on the earlier side of last year.
I have horrible self-esteem. I've been applying myself recently, thinking that with actual skill, I would pick up some. And yet I still consider myself one of the worst at anything I do. I realized this recently, in band (of course) when I was playing better than Joe and Emily, the other two firsts, and my mind boggled that they couldn't do any better than I could. I'd always, ALWAYS, been the worst of the three of us, for crying out loud! I'm getting off topic, but it comes back around.
That comment from Mr. Matlack, a teacher I didn't know and was sure couldn't have a very high opinion of me, given my failing his class and all, set that low self-esteem against the wall and opened fire. That, my not being able to focus for all the everything around us, was something I had recently considered as one of my biggest problems, was shoved into the spotlights. He gave me something to work on, but moreover, he gave me hope. Whatever he said, the exact wording is lost to me, I was inspired. With that declaration, I really had one problem, and it was solvable. It was the most powerful thing I've ever been told, and I'm not sure anything will top it until I get a completely sincere 'I love you.'
Now for the worst thing. I saved this for second because it will be incredibly difficult. I've never really given much thought to the people who don't like me. I've pretty much given up trying to please them. So they fade away into a mist of fog. Fog that somehow stops me when I try to walk through it, but fog nonetheless. I don't pay attention to them, and even when one of them manages to crack my skin, which is about as thick as a devilsaur, I dwell on it for a day and move on.
Worst thing... Worst thing... Gah. I can think of nothing. I can think of several of the most *annoying* things ever repeatedly said to me, and I can think of several of the things that made me ridiculously angry. Even those, I work as hard as I can to cover the weak spot they found, so I can sail on. But none of them can possible qualify as the worst thing anyone's ever said to me. The things that hurt me to the point of crying at a lighthearted hard rock band are always either something said about someone I care about, not to or about me, or something I tell myself. So those don't count.
The closest thing I can come to the worst thing anyone's said to me would be from Mr. T. The band one not the I-pity-the-fool mohawked badass from the A-Team. (I wish that one had insulted me. That would be AWESOME) “Peterson, you're the worst marcher I've got.” No joke. Since I love that place/sport/activity, whatever the hell you want to call it, I was depressed and pissed, in that order. I spent a few days questioning if I should even bother continuing, and then got determined to prove the old coot wrong. That was freshman year. I think I probably have, since he's stopped making fun of me. Not nearly as bad as some, but the worst thing said directly to or about me I can remember. I'm fairly certain, given my views on death, that someone will give me the real worst thing the instant someone near me dies though.
What does this imply? Given that I'd already been thinking the same thing both of them said, I think it means I'm deeply affected only when someone I don't know all that well proves me right. Or I imagined the whole thing, and Misters Tobias and Matlack are just figments of my imagination, designed to confirm my insanity. Who knows, really?
@Alice: Being weird is highly underrated.
Agreeing with Brendan: When Eva's angry, she SCARY. Take our word for it people. Bad idea.
@Matt: That chick is, as the kids would say, a dirty good-for-nothin. Put her out of your mind, and never let that witch with a capital B affect your thoughts again.
@Devon: I don't comment on you often, but I thought I needed to here. You're lucky to have anyone who can say 'I love you' and mean it. Don't ever stop believing in the power that has.
And finally: Il Fin
Since my little sister is only ten, whenever we fight (which is actually really rare) she can't think of anything to say as I tease her, so mostly she just screams. But one time, in a fit of rage, she picked up a plastic paintbrush and threw it at me. Now this paintbrush was no joke. It was the extremely thick and heavy wall-painting kind with bristles at least six inches across. And Rachel's throw is no joke. She goes to pitching classes every Friday. Luckily, I ducked in time, but she killed my jewelry box.
My new greatest complement: people actually find me scary when I’m angry. They’re basing this opinion on exactly one example.
One of my greatest fears has always been fading without leaving any mark behind. I’m glad to know that this one explosion made such a deep impression on my friends.
Devon-
Your whole blog really hit home for me and I have to agree with you. “I love you” are some of the most powerful words and yet some of the scariest words in the world. Saying these words to a boyfriend really opens yourself up and leaves you vulnerable. It allows this person to hold your heart and be able to do what he wants with it because you know that you have fallen for him. You feel like you need to just make him happy and not break this bond that you have between one another and yet feeling loved is so rewarding at the same time. It can be looked at I guess as a win lose situation.
Tarah-
I know how bad it hurts when a parental figure says something like that. It is seriously one of the worst pains, probably as bad as how I felt when Hail said that to me but maybe worse because they are supposed to love you no matter what and act like they do all the time. It just stings when you feel like their love is not there, even when it still is. But what Brian said to you is definitely one of the cutest things I have ever heard. Nothing like a guy to make you feel special when you feel like you arn’t:)
Jani:
I'm glad I'm not the only one whose eyes bleed at times due to the horrible writing of some people. I don't even mind typos, or even not capitalizing words, but at times I question whether or not some people online have passed grade 3.
Matt W:
Words may be the voice of the heart, but they cannot describe the expression plastered on my face. What she did simply makes me think, "WHAT THE HELL!?" My condolences.
Jani: the texting example was painful to look at. Not to the point of bleeding, perhaps, but certainly to the point of tears.
What is the worst thing anyone has ever said to you?
Last year, my brother and I were arguing over something menial, like always, when it got to the point of being physical. It may come as a surprise to you, but I’ve beaten up my brother for 14 years now and I’ve got it down to a science. So I was holding his arms back and he was trying to kick me, when he uttered the worst sentence anyone has ever said to me through a clenched jaw and tear soaked eyes. “Let me go, let me go! You are an f---ing whore! I wish I would die so I wouldn’t have to see you ever again!”
Why do you think it was the worst thing?
My brother was born 3 months premature with lung crunching asthma that nearly killed him when he took his first breath. For months my parents were at the NICU, praying for him to survive. “Luckily”, he survived, and has grown out of his asthma. He was always smaller, weaker, and succumbed to authority, mostly MY authority. He followed me around and did anything I asked. I loved him more than anything, we went through so much together, now that I think about it, he was my best friend as a child. He knew everything about me because he was by my side through everything. When he wished his own death, because of something I said, it was a feeling I would never wish on anyone. Also, being called a whore is never nice, especially coming from someone in your family who knows EVERYTHING, all your faults and mistakes.
How did it make you feel?
It was horrible. I used to be really hard on my brother, but after that, I would never take it to that level. I don’t think we’ve fought for a few months now, and I like it. One of us will walk away or the fight will be defused by a parent or a friend. But it’s funny, if anyone ever says anything mean to my brother, I will be on them so fast, it’s not even funny. Don’t call me crazy, but I’ve given the job of mentoring my brother to Billy next year. I just want him to fit in and be himself, and we all know that’s a job for Billllyyyy! haha
What was the best compliment you have ever received?
One of the best compliments I’ve ever received was last year as well. I was in the choir room, skipping gym so I could talk to my favorite teacher of the year, Mr. Bass. We were talking about where I am going in life and he said “I’ve had many students over the years and I can read people very well. I have seen people who have this thing, something that sets them apart, an it factor of sorts. They just have this personality and air about them, they can become something, someone. You, you, have the ‘thing’. I see it in you.”
Why do you think was it was the best compliment?
Thinking about this right now is making me cry. There is nothing I want more than to sing on stage for millions of people. I want to make music videos and learn dances, live on a tour bus and be a role model. I want people to know who I am and I want producers to not have a second thought and choose me over everyone else. Knowing that he thinks I have ‘the thing’ is so special to me. It’s all I will ever want and dream of.
What do you think your choices of what was the best and worst thing anyone could say about/to you reveal about your personality?
I have no idea what this says about my personality. I am horrible at trying to determine things about myself. I’d rather someone who I look up to and respect, tell me what they think. That’s how I’ve always been, but I think it’s the same for a lot of people. It’s hard to look into yourself and somewhat judge your actions and intentions. You do the things you do because you think it’s the right thing, it’s how you are, who you are. I don’t know who I am yet, so I don’t think I can figure out what that means about me, what do you think?
@ Jani: Wow. The sad part is I know people with exactly that grammar skill. They're not uncommon. It's depressing. As a reformed grammar nazi, I feel your pain. But, I offer one bit of advice to ease it. 13rn 2 5p331< 1337.
With so many words in the English language that exist, it seems that there is no correct word for the emotion one feels. Sometimes the words just fall into place. They flow flawlessly off the tongue to achieve the purpose of the speaker, whatever their intensions are. When thinking of the meanest or most offensive thing a person can say is not with the most abrasive curse word, but with an attack on a person’s character, with a premeditated string of words that often come at the end of an argument. After those words slip out of the aggressor’s mouth, they stick to the conscience, only to burn a whole that can never be filled. The napalm like scenario is only fueled by the thoughts that keep it alive. Not this comment though. I gave this particular instance far too much thought.
It was a normal day not, three weeks ago, when Kulwinder asked me to go with him to sell raffle tickets with him. I hesitantly agreed, leaving behind a freshly eaten bowl of Jell-O. We start our rounds by one of the doors of the cafeteria. We approached each table using the same pitch: “Would you like to buy a ticket? The proceeds go toward prom, they are only one dollar and you have a chance to win a $20 WaWa gift card.” We sold more tickets than I expected; perhaps because some people thought we were selling actual prom tickets. None-the-less we reach about the middle of the regular cafeteria, and in the middle of our sales pitch we are interrupted by this obnoxious sophomore who stands up like he was a baboon trying to appear bigger to scare away attackers. He spewed out some verbal vomit that was loud and completely uncalled for. We looked at each other, searching for the trigger of this boy’s aggression. The next period in between spiking all over the faces of the opposite teams I was wondering why that kid was so rude. Never before has someone been so impolite right off the bat. At the end of the day I was so down on the general population of Oakcrest, I just needed to put it out of my head. So I did.
Praise is something we all desire from peers, teachers and above all parents. That is sometimes a detrimental motive in many teen’s career choice. It is very difficult to get a stronger sense of accomplishment than when a parent, in my case my father, says they’re proud of their child. Maybe it’s a symptom of the entitlement generation, but when my dad said, “you did a good job son” one of the best feelings came over me. It was like eating your favorite flavor of ice cream that’s only available one week in the summer. What I did a good job on was winning the captain’s cup of my yaught club. The accomplishment was not as fulfilling as the compliment. The sheer rarity of those words is what makes them so powerful.
What these two instances reflect in my personality are that, I appreciate the common courtesy that I show everyone I know and almost everyone I don’t, to be returned to me. Nothing annoys me more than someone fighting unintelligently for something that is an empty cause. What was the benefit of that kid revolting against something as meaningless as ticket sales? From that one could say that I have self control for walking away. I am also forever in search of success. My father is an excellent judge of character and of meaningful successes. This makes his encouraging words that much more meaningful. The experiences we have in many ways shape the ways in which we conduct ourselves and how we value others that we know and that we see on the street.
The sheer power of words is staggering. They can create an immediate relationship, or immediately tear a relationship in two. Words can get a politician elected; words can doom that same politician's legacy. Words have the ability to save lives, along with the ability to end lives. A simple sentence, a seemingly inconsequential phrase, even one individual word, has the inexplicable potential to thoroughly alter the lives of those whom they are directed towards. A writer or speaker, simply by choosing the right word for the right situation, has the capability to reshape the mindset of nearly anyone who disagrees with their opinions. Most of us don't realize how influential the things we say in daily interaction can be. The power we possess by simply having the ability to speak is one that can be used for great harm, or great benefit, yet is often too difficult for us to control. We have all heard things that have affected us in positive and negative ways; we've also said things that greatly affect the lives of others. Our reactions and responses to such words can drastically alter our lives' trajectory; one sentence can dictate the rest of our lives. Words are a gift, to be used with care and caution, for their power is unmistakable and unfathomable.
These days, whenever I hear someone hurl an insult at me, I am able to easily shrug it off and turn it into a joke. Usually that's all it is in the first place, a joke. I'm a pretty easy-going guy, so I really don't let petty stuff get to me. Especially playing sports, trash-talk is always a part of the game. And when you've got a basketball coach who flips out every time you make the tiniest mistake, it tends to develop some thick skin. That mindset has translated into my everyday life, which is a big part of why it takes alot to really get me angry. But I wasn't always so immune to verbal abuse. That tough layer that rarely lets harmful words seep through took a long time to grow. When compared to the things that have been said to a lot of you guys, I realize that I've been fortunate enough to have never had someone that I trust and love say something that negatively affected our relationship or my perception of that person. As I wrote in my previous blog, my brothers and I frequently partook in some fierce competition in the backyard. When I was younger, anything my brothers said to me got into my head, and took my mind off the game, without fail. They knew that all they had to do was tell me that I was never going to be as good as them, or that I couldn't hit water if I threw the ball out of a boat, or something along those lines. They never meant anything by it, but as an impressionable kid, the constant ragging developed in me an inferiority complex of sorts. From then on, I compared everything I did to my brothers, even though nobody else did. To this day, I rate my accomplishments in relation to theirs. I can't do anything without thinking that Andrew would have done it this way, or Alex's way would have been better. I guess it's both a blessing and a curse, because it constantly forces me to push myself further, yet it always makes me degrade my own achievements. This complicated mentality is something I really should be able to release from my personality, yet is so firmly entrenched that I know it will always be a part of who I am.
My sense of inferiority brings me to the best compliment I've ever received. The days of backyard trash-talk and little brother beat-downs are thankfully well behind my brothers and I. They, and my parents, are the biggest encouragements in my life. As I'm sure some of you have picked up on, my mood was somewhat temperamental during basketball season. I tend to take losses pretty hard, and since you don't often see "Oakcrest" and "win" in the same sentence, you can figure out the basis for my moodiness. After an especially bad loss to Ocean City, which was a game that officially eliminated us from the playoffs, and, in my mind, my worst performance of the season, I went on a rant when my parents tried to console me. I was basically yelling about how much I suck, how it was my fault we lost the game, how I'll never amount to anything, how much I suck, how I'll never be able to measure up to my brothers, why I shouldn't even play anymore, how I can't do anything right, and, oh yeah, how much I suck. Honestly, I had been waiting to say all that for a long time, but that game just blew the top off, and my words streamed out in a non-stop flurry of self-degrading belittlement. The worst part was that I really believed everything that I said. After I vociferously voiced my opinions for about ten minutes, my mom decided it was time to step in and tell me what she thought. She told me that she was proud of me regardless of how I played, because she knows how hard I work. She told me that I was never going to be my brothers, that I would make my own path and be great in whatever I chose. But most importantly, she told me that I was a leader, and that my examples and actions were crucial to my teammates. She said that if I was always worried about living up to Andrew and Alex, that I would never reach my potential. Those encouraging words stuck with me, and help me to lead my own life whenever I find myself trying to leap over the bar set my brothers.
Morgan: When I read your blog, the part about your sister immediately sent me back about eight years. I don't remember what happened to spark my anger, but I do remember telling my brother that I hated him. Immediately when the words escaped my lips, I regretted them. He looked at me, with shock and disbelief, and the look he gave me said more than a thousand words ever could. I doubt he even remembers the incident, and he and I are very close now. But every time that memory pops up in my head, remorse at my heedless words comes flooding back. I honestly think it affected me more than it did him. I can't speak for your sister, but my belief would be that she really does regret what she said to you, and that she does love you, regardless of what she may have said.
Incidentally, the best and worst thing said to me was at my job. For those of you that don’t know, I work the summers as a receptionist at my dad’s medical office in Northfield. I answer phones, pull charts, give appointments, solve little problems, save lives, greet patients, and set up charts. It’s a fairly average desk job. What’s special about it is my constant meetings with complete strangers. It’s my chance to get out of the “AP bubble” and interact with the real world. (Just for the record I like the Ap bubble better) I’ve learned a lot of things in that office that go beyond how to verify insurance. While I may hate the redundancy of the job, I believe the experience gained makes it time well spent.
One lesson I learned is that people can be real A-holes. It was my second day of work and I was still learning the ins and outs of the trade. There are about ten million procedures, numbers, rules, and guidelines a receptionist at a medical office must know, and it’s nerve racking at first. My fellow co-receptionist was out to lunch when a woman signed in to be seen. My first glimpse of this lady told the story of her personality. She was around fifty years old, and wore a tight black powersuit with a push up bra for her implants. Her bright red glossy lipstick stuck out from her rub on tan colored skin and oversized, nearly clown like, sunglasses covered half of her botox ridden face. Her Bluetooth headset was covered by her 80’s hairstyle and on top of it all, she chewed her gum obnoxiously loud. She was overly impatient. The first thing she said was a brusque, “How long’s the wait?” and if I could “hurry up” in getting her to see the doctor. When I eventually got her chart ready I called her up for her co-pay, which was the miniscule price of two dollars. Of course, this lady hands me her credit card to charge her for a total of eight quarters. I swipe the card, enter the amount, and get this loud beep noise with an error message. Assuming I did something wrong I retried a few more times, only to receive the same message. I can hear the lady tapping her foot as she glares at my struggle. When I turned around to go get help, the lady said, “C’mon kid, what are you stupid? Are you even swiping it the right way?” When she said that it shook me up pretty bad. She thought of me as inept, incapable of completing a simple task. I’ve been called plenty of names, but no one meant it as much as this lady, and for the insult to be about my intelligence just made it that much worse. I was utterly embarrassed and second guessed myself for the rest of the day. Even though this lady was an impatient freak, he comment really messed me up that day.
Not every patient that enters the office however, is a jerk like that lady. Some people that come in are the most interesting people I’ve ever met. One rainy summer day an old man walking in alone. He was on the verge of being decrepit, but he was still with it. He signed in as a new patient, so I put him through the new patient procedure, which consists of a lot of paperwork. I could see the man had poor vision so I decided to help him with the paperwork by reading it out aloud for him. After that was completed this man and I got into a very friendly conversation. He told me amazing stories about things he did (like attempting to climb Mt Everest) and asked me questions about my life. I must have impressed him, because after he saw the doctor and was about to leave he called me over and said, “I can tell you’re a bright young man, and I want you to know you’re able to do anything with your life.” I had never felt so proud and hopeful of myself in my life. A man who was a complete stranger an hour ago was impressed enough with me so say something like that. He mad me optimistic about my future and put me in a good mood for a week.
I don’t think it’s a coincidence that both the best and worst thing said to me were about my intelligence. I’m a decent athlete, and the only hobby I’m good at is video games. My mind is all I have, and I’m completely aware and prepared to depend on it for my future. When people disgrace my intelligence it not only bothers me, but scares me. When people compliment my intelligence it makes me hopeful that I’m going to achieve something great in my life.
Jani- I know how it feels to be denounced by a parent infront of a sibling. It SUCKS. I don't get how parents don't realize that they are being too hurtful for words to describe. Also, I can't believe 'La Tay Tay' writes like that. If this is who i think it is, I've lost some respect. She must have been kidding to write like that. It's a joke. Right?
You should just text me, i dont text like that (: Love youuu
It’s really bad because I can’t count all the time’s I’ve said something I wish I’ve never said. When I was younger my mom would always tell me to say to bullies at school that, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me.” Recently I realized that my mom was wrong in a way with this because, for me…words can hurt me the most. If someone punched me or threw a stick at me, I would do it right back to them, with reason, because I don’t take crap. However, when someone really close to you for example calls you ‘fat’ or ‘chunky’ or a straight up bitch to your face without that ‘Ha ha, I’m joking” tone, I get extremely offended. Maybe Greene’s right because my aggressive and blunt side really covers up the sensitive side I have, but don’t show to people after they’ve insulted me. I think words can make the difference in someone’s life, as well as destroy their self confidence and mental capacity.
At first I thought I would clearly use one of the many ignorant insults my sister has hurled at me over her existence as the worst thing someone has ever said to me. Let’s run through some of these freak outs. I’ve got the obvious, “Carly you’re such a bitch. Carly no one likes you, all of your friends really hate you on the inside.” And of course I’ve gotten the numerous comments about me being a horrible sister, heartless person, and general waste of human life. Last year I went through one of the most pain-coping times of my life so far. Main cause, drama. Mix drama in with the family issues and you get mayhem. I also thought these times would possibly be the worst things someone ever said for me. At this time I was called a “disappointment,” selfish, disgraceful (that’s actually my favorite:/) and many other adjectives concerning my lack of respect and care for my family and sister. However, since I’m not entirely close with my family, these words have only brought me a few days of pain.
After thinking about it, I feel that for me the worst thing someone ever said was something I heard someone said about me. It wasn’t hearsay either, I got this straight from the source. Because like I mentioned previously, I’m not he closest with my family, I look to my friends and the people I’m with in school as some of the people I am best connected to. So, hearing when they are disappointed in you or that they have bad feelings about you really upsets me. Just recently I’ve found out that someone legitimately ‘hated’ me. Although I’ve done some regretful things in my past, I do not feel I’ve done anything worth hating. Hearing that someone felt so strongly about me made me really upset especially because I knew it came from people I felt I was friends with.
I’m having trouble thinking of something that someone said that was considered the ‘nicest thing’. Many people have both complimented and insulted me but not many things standout above the rest. However, I would assume that the nicest thing someone ever said to me came through sports. It was not the usual “Carly, you’re butch or you’re a beast,” even though those are common compliments on the Oakcrest girl’s sports teams. It was one of those comments that truly makes you feel satisfied with yourself and who you are. So, one of the nicest things someone ever said to me/about me was from a girl on the Oak soccer team you might know…she goes by the name of Sara VP. She might not even remember saying this, but I did because it meant a lot to me. Anyway while having one of our many team heart-to-hearts at Penn State during the summer of sophomore year, we were going around in a circle either pointing out something that we admired about someone or something about ourselves that we wanted to improve on. Sara came up and she said something (sorry I don’t remember the exact quote) along the lines of how she admired me and wanted to play like I did (not skill wise cause she’s mad beast) but with heart. I was so surprised that someone as good as Sara actually respected me as a player. I was like “WHAT?” Softball was a sport I was used to being one of the best at, but when it came to soccer my role changed in high school from one of the main players on the field to another role. I wasn’t a star player, but I did my job by making problems for strikers, helping Sara and Rachel in the middle, and knocking people down making opportunities for the big girls on the team. Hearing that someone really noticed the hard work and love I had for the game made me feel so good about myself and I stopped being intimidated by the better players and just played my game. It was one of those times that I know is lame, but makes you feel all giddy inside cause you feel kind of special, and it gives you motivation and expectation to step up and play to what others see you as. Thanks Tharra<3
I really do despise blog questions of this variety, which is the variety that forces you to recall past experiences. It’s not that I’ve had a traumatizing childhood or deep dark secrets embedded within the folds of my past, it’s just that I have a bad memory. The earliest coherent memories I have are of the 3rd grade when Ryan Ivans threw a desk at AJ Sparks, those were the days. These expansive holes in my memory most likely can trace their roots to Pokémon blue and the Game boy color, now THOSE were the days. Oh and I’m pretty sure I might’ve been abducted for three or four years, that could also explain my memory lapse.
So back on track I’ll start my weekly awkward trek through the blog by starting with the negative comment. It’s not particularly cruel and dark but it’s more interesting than the positive and hopefully by then you won’t be paying attention so the lack of zest will barely be noticeable…but knowing you Bunje that’s a flawed plan.
So there I was, a bronzed stoic figure diligently scanning the water for any sign of a distressed swimmer. My eyes, ever attentive, noticed every ripple in the water, every splash and motion. My captain made the short trek to my stand to complement me on my expert lifeguarding technique. Oh wait no he didn’t, because this story is a lie, the scenario went a little more like this: I was standing, still bronzed, on the bow of the lifeguard boat 15 yards out into the water. My eyes still diligently scanning were not looking for people but for waves. The cry of my equally bronzed partner Jordan Glick alerted me to an upcoming swell. “Here it is Pornstar!” and yes my beach patrol nickname is Pornstar. I tightened my legs into wound coils as I anticipated the approach of the wave. Sue enough the stern dipped with the rolling water, I released my springs and as sent skyrocketing 9 or 10 feet into the air. My acrobatics had caught the attention of Many other guards who, like little boy scouts, were sitting at their stands having no fun. They did give me a couple shouts of recognition though.
As Glick and I brought the boat into the shallows to return to our post, our captain approached. Captain Brett Brestle, now that’s a soap opera name if I’ve ever seen one. Oh before I continue with the story let me assure you that Captain Brestle is a jerk. He’s loud, old, insulting, and rude and takes his life way too seriously. He’s too cool to call you by your name when he wants your attention; instead he reflects sunlight at you with his military edition mirror. Who even sells military edition mirrors anyway? There must be a shop somewhere that specifically sells hard to obtain, obscure and completely random items. Anyway super captain storms up with mirror in hand and squinting because he probably sat on his sunglasses again. He said these words “have fun out there?”
DAMMMMN! At first I took immediate offense and thought all sorts of expletives at the man, most would have certainly gotten me expelled from the patrol. But I sucked up my thoughts and aid “I’m sorry cap” The truth was the beach was almost completely empty so on most beaches what we did was acceptable, but States ave is a no nonsense beach with a totally ridiculous captain that considers himself to be no nonsense. So I blew off the remark and went back to “work” which now consisted of tossing seashells at gulls. The rest of the day was normal until I got back home. I laid down in bed and stared up at the 6 year old sea world themed wall border that m parents put up when I was 2. I stared deeply into the pink dots on the purple walruses and was disappointed with myself. I guess the reason it hurt the most was because it was the truth and we know how much AP kids like us hate to face the truth. That jerk face captain as 100% correcto mundo Pablo ocho cinco de maiyo exacto. This was my job and I was jerking around with it. I can’t count all the times that I think about that day when I go t sleep. It is one of the few memories that haunt my beach patrol experience. And truthfully the captain probably doesn’t even remember e or that comment but I know it’ll always stay with me. It’s something that \has made me more focused because I came out and grabbed my flaws and held them before me so I could see them in their entirety. It was a painful experience that will always keep me on my toes.
The best moment came from m best freaking friend in the entire world, you know him, love him and idolize him, the wonderful and amazing Mr. Adkisson!!!!! *cheap flashing neon lights and kazoos* It was a relatively simple day back in my sophomore year. The cross-country team and I had been competing at the Cherokee challenge race. The Cherokee challenge is as big as races get in cross-country, while it is the first race you compete in and has little media attention it has the job of setting the pecking order for this year’s upcoming runners. You compete against every kid in your grade from every high school in south jersey so it’s a pretty big race with 300 something kids in each race. The course is legit too; with rolling hills, steep incline, mud pits, rivers and “the wall” (a 150m 75degree incline) it separates the generic high school runners from the Matt Capone’s.
So after the middle schoolers and freshmen had their pathetic displays at racing the big bad sophomores stepped up to the line. The race had roughly 350 sophomores in it. I was scared, cold, excited and ready to clean house on these fools. Did I mention it was raining? Yes it rained, very hard in fact. So anyway the race goes off and I did clean house. I beat my Atlantic City rival Kody Dalzell and my Gami rival Adam Day, who I found out this year has Down syndrome…..FML. Besides that depressing fact I came in 7th place out of those 350 kids and was simply ecstatic. It’s funny how much extra energy you find after you finish a race that you thought sucked everything from you. I was running around whooping and hollering, all the while splashing up mud and dirt. Then Mr. A came up to me and delivered his comment, “good job.” But wait there’s more! What accompanied the comment still shocks me to this day; Mr. A reached out and hugged me with a big smile on his face.
STOP THE PRESSES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mr. A does not show emotion! The only comments he gives us are depressing and heart breaking! My team stood by in awe, they couldn’t believe this was happening. We’ve never even seen him hug his own wife let alone a grimy athlete. But he did what he did and I simply accepted it as the greatest complement I could ever receive from someone. I find this comment to be the best solely because it was just for me, h couldn’t give that to anyone else even if he tried. Sure the words would be the same but the heart of the moment will never be there.
I don’t really know what these choices say about my personality though. I know that I really despise being wrong and admitting to my mistakes so I can assume that is why my captains’ comment hurt so much. And it is also a very humbling experience for someone to blatantly call out your flaws when you yourself did not notice them. In my passions I am a bit of a perfectionist and to have my ability criticized by someone always leaves me irate. As for the positive comment the only reason that I chose this moment was because I know that it was meant for me. Maybe that says ‘m a greedy person and like to see myself separated from the rest of the pack. But I think more than that it was because I finally had the acknowledgment of my coach as someone who is above ordinary and that meant and still means a lot to me.
Toni:
Jordan is a big Jerk. I also understand the weight behind genuine. It has no frills and is very clean. a powerful word in any context.
Eva:
Lockwood has a way of making you feel terrible over something that isn't that big a deal. It's a horrible feeling I agree. I would say that media is your most rewarding class also. That's what I learned about you
As I sift through the all of the times I’ve been called ugly, fat, weird, etc I’m naively beginning to realize that these aren’t the worst things said to me. It’s funny because right off the bat I remember the specific time that I was called really ugly. I wasn’t even a simple ‘not pretty’, but I was the ugliest girl in my group of friends! Immediately as I read the blog I typically, and girlishly thought, ‘yup that’s definitely the worst!’
But when it comes down to it, it’s really not. Looking deeper and deeper into the words that have made me feel the worst in my life, I’m coming to realize them for what they are: words that made me feel bad. Maybe the words were true and maybe I’m really ugly, but I have to remember the affect they had on me was for five minutes, nonetheless towards someone worthless.
There’s a difference between words that hurt your feelings, and then words that can truly be considered the worst remarks ever said to you; and that difference is their affect upon you. Looking at words said to me throughout my life, I’m distinguishing the remarks by their ability to be brushed of vs. their ability to impinge on us a different perspective. The latter moment happened to me this year in Hannah’s study hall. The group talking and working was Hannah, Matt Torres, Mike Garzarelli, Mrs. Hamilton, and I. I completely forget the circumstances, but I remember asking someone to help me with something, while being extremely nice in order for them to help me. Matt Torres, being the probably the bluntest person I know, screams out ‘Abby you just use people!’ Calling me out in front of the whole study hall easily sent me into complete denial, but as this denial set in I began to realize Matt was right. In something I was generally proud about, being resourceful and nice to people I barely knew, Matt uncovered my deepest intentions, or ‘dark side’, right there in front of everyone! Now by no means am I an entirely evil person, but I have come to realize the manipulation that a part of me holds when I want to use it. Disappointed in myself for treating people this way, I no longer go out of my way to be nice to people when I want something or act like I really like spending time with someone when in all actuality I need a ride somewhere. I simply come to them as a fellow human being and friend, and ask for help, a favor, or even a ride. It truly makes me feel 100 times better about my relationship with the world, and also allows me to be less of a scum bag. And for all those girls who use friends, guys, class mates I’ve come to realize that ANY girl can do it, but it’s those don’t that are considered to be ‘real’ with people. Less evil and hopefully more ‘real’, I don’t consider my entire being to be evil, but I do admit to part of myself being this way when I need it to be. On that note I believe my habit to use people at times is only a part of me that is considered a bad quality, followed by more and more qualities that I can hope to identify and disarm myself of in the future. Because I know that my old habit of using people is not solely the worst thing about myself, I can’t say that this comment will be the worst one said about me in my future. As for now, seeing this major flaw called out upon by Matt Torres, has to the worst thing ever said to me so far. The fact that I have interacted with people in such a manner has affected the way I view relationships with people as well as the way I view myself. Because these 5 simple words have had such an effect on my life so far they would definitely be the ‘yin’ of bad remarks.
On the other hand I have my aunt who died last year, with whom I have had few conversations with. Not really taking any of these into consideration until I found out she died, I’ve come to realize their impression on my life. One day my uncle had a family party at his house, where his wife’s sister had come up to me and began to ask me about life. She didn’t ask about my deep inquiries on topics or anything like that, but simply asked how I was with my life and what I wanted to do with it. And just make things clearer, she was one of those women that you would consider a beautiful sole. She literally glowed; it shone through her personality, smile, everything. Because of her wisdom and optimism that I will never get to tap into any longer, I really feel special for her talking to me that afternoon. Lightly talking about life and our futures, she began to say how I could do whatever I wanted with my life. She didn’t say it in a cliché or typical way, but she told me I was beautiful and could obtain exactly where I wanted to be in my life. Being a teenager, we hear these kinds of thing a lot, and to be honest that’s exactly what I thought she was trying to do, simply encourage me. But after taking into account what was said after her death, as well as looking at the way she lived, I realized she was truly speaking to me. This compliment, simply because of whom it came from and the way she spoke to me really had nothing to do with words. Because of her lifestyle and attitude, I know what she was trying to teach me even if she simply asked me about how my life was going.
The compliment above as well as the harsh words spoken in my life has revealed the depth of communication to me. There’s definitely a difference between words that bring you feelings, and then feelings that are delivered with the words themselves. It’s just a matter of time when we’ll gauge the impact of these words on our lives. I believe my interpretation of these words shows that I have a hopeful mentality towards life. Realizing that I treat people with no respect makes me want to go back and help them that much more. It also motivates me to change my perspective of the way I communicate with people. With the story concerning my aunt, I believe it reveals similar ideas. Reflecting on her life, and then looking at mine not only inspires me to change, but also allow me to believe in the fact that I can be whoever I want to be when I grow up.
When I read this blog question it took me quite some time to determine what was THE worst thing ever said to me. Now believe me, by no means do I lack a list of harsh things that have been said to me. Many times in my life I have gotten into verbal boxing matches with people. Combined I have had many, and I mean many, harsh things said to me. However none of them really seemed to stick out in my head as being the number one worst thing ever uttered to my face. Then suddenly out of nowhere I managed to remember an event that was so tragic to my psyche that I somehow managed to block it out almost permanently.
The event was a result of something that I regret more than anything else I’ve ever done and is easily the worst mistake I’ve ever made. Unfortunately for you, my readers, you won’t get to learn what exactly took place. The event is one I cannot bear to discuss even to this day and resulted in the only grounding my parents ever had to give me. To this day, despite the fact that I’ve managed to block it from my conscience for many years, I can still hear the words fall out of her mouth when she said “I’m disappointed in you.”
To many of you this may not have meant that much but when my mother admitted her disappointment I felt my heart drop to my feet. I felt as though Chuck Norris had punched me in the stomach with his iron fist repeatedly only to kick me after I fell. After she had dropped the atomic bomb and grounded me for the first and only time I went to my room and merely laid on my bed staring up at the ceiling for close to four hours. What made the blow even worse was when I realized that, not only should she have been disappointed in me but that I was disappointed in myself.
On the flip side it just so happens that the best, most flattering comments ever to grace my ears came from my cousin at a family reunion. Being the Irish bastards that we are, our family reunions are filled with beer and drunken old men. My cousin, despite the fact that he was only 19 at the time did not exclude him from the staple that were drunken Campbell’s. Well as time progressed my cousin got progressively drunker and also progressively funnier. We were sitting around my uncle’s back yard talking about this and that when the conversation turned to our futures and what we wanted to do with our lives. My cousin has always been one of the few people I trust with some of my deepest secrets and someone who knew me quite well. Suddenly out of nowhere he said something that, to this day, I have not forgotten. “Don’t ever let anybody stand in your way. You’re going places in life and we both know it. Don’t let anyone ever hold you back, and if they do, let me know and I’ll beat the shit out of them.” Except when he said it, it sounded a lot more drunken.
Now is this something that meant much to him? Probably not. Does he remember saying this? I sincerely doubt it. But what made it so significant was that I knew he was completely serious. He believed in me more than any other person I’ve ever met and would do anything to ensure I don’t waste my future. This also incidentally was the night I promised him, the rest of my cousins, and my brother that when I turn 18 we are all going to get matching tattoos of Campbell soup cans. But that’s a different story. But I guess what I’m really trying to say is that these two phrases have significantly shaped my life. The End.
Mike:
I've realized that old people are the best through Nick Swardson and experience. They tell you amazing stories that you can't believe because their bodies look so old and you can't picture them as a star varsity athlete, but you believe anyway because there is something about them that you can trust with anything. Also, they can make you feel really good about yourself with wise comments and admiration. old people<3
In response to Carly:
You’ve captured my exact feelings about the sticks and stones can break my bones mentality. That little rhyme is so far from the truth. Sure sticks and stones could break a bone or two but names will stick with you and scar you for life, so GG to whoever came up with that brilliant quip. I’m going to save the comment on family disputes this time because we all have those horrible moments of hating the people closest to you. Instead I’ll comment on the happy side of your blog. I can imagine how great that comment must’ve felt because each of us works so hard within our on sports or work, whatever it may be, but we are hardly ever recognized for it. But for someone to come out and notice the effort you’ve been making is a great feeling.
Unfortunately, the worst thing that has ever been said to me was said by my own father. I wish that that wasn’t true. Nevertheless, it happened last year. My dad woke up after his nap and walked downstairs as I was about to leave with my sister to go to the eye doctors. He asked me which eye doctor I was going to. I pointed in a direction and said Eye Associates near the gym. My dad asked me, “Where?” And I continued to point in the same direction and attempted to describe where it was.
When he realized what I was talking about, he yelled at me saying, “You’re so stupid. You don’t know how to do anything. You’re pointing over there when that’s the complete opposite direction. You are so stupid. “
That was the worst thing that was ever said to me and it was by my own father. I think that makes it worse. You should never call your kid stupid. Call sneaking out in the middle of the night stupid. Call smoking drugs stupid. Call their actions stupid, but don’t ever call your actual child stupid. He made me feel so bad about myself. I was so angry and sad at the same time. Tears started streaming down my face as I stormed out to the car to meet my sister. My dad had no reason to yell at me. It was an honest mistake and nothing to fuss over. It was ridiculous.
It’s ironic. The best compliment I’ve ever received was actual the complete opposite. The best compliment that I’ve ever received was said by my now best friend Aaron Kesselman. He’s said some really great things to me before, so it’s really difficult for me to pick just one. I narrowed it down to two:
“You are a smart, funny, and beautiful person with so much to offer. One day, you will find your knight and shining armor that deserves all of it.”
And
“Nyge, you mean a lot to a lot of people, me especially.”
First, for those who know Aaron, you are probably surprised that he said these things to me. But indeed, Mr. Bombast himself revealed his caring side to me this summer after I went through a terrible heartbreak. So don’t think these were line of Aaron professing his undying love for me. They were there to make me feel better. It’s funny how when you get your heart broken, how much you tend to look down upon yourself. Well, that’s exactly how I was. But I turned to Aaron for some help and that’s when he said the first thing. The second compliment is probably more meaningful and less cheesy haha. It was said not too long ago. Ironically, I went through yet another heartbreak by the same guy no less. And I guess you could say everything went downhill from there too. I fell into a state of utter unhappiness. I don’t want to say depression because that’s too severe, but I did feel really messed up in the head. Both statements meant a lot to me for that reason. His words made me feel like I was something special. His words made me want to move on. It made me feel like I had a purpose in this world. No other words could have been said at such an opportune moment.
I think these good and bad statements show that I care about what people think of me. I guess that might not be a good thing, but I think it’s a part of who I am. This mainly applies to people that I care about. I guess I’m always willing to please the people I care about and when they say hurtful things, I feel like a disappointment or that I’m letting them down. But when they say the good things like Aaron, I know that I’m doing my job. I know that I turned out well.
"We were both in bad moods and once the words started flying there was no way to bring them back; it was almost like our mouths were unhinged and our brains let loose. She then abruptly screamed at me “I hate you, I hate you more than you will ever know! You are the worst sister in the world, and a horrible example. I never want to be like you, ever!”
Morgan, reading this immediately reminded me of my older sister, Ali, and I fighting for the past 17 years of my life. We still don’t fight as brutally, but back in the day we said some pretty harsh things to each other. No matter how mad we get at our own life and blood, our own family, we somehow always manage to say the meanest things to them and often take pleasure in getting to such a level or at least winning the fight. In the battle of words and attitudes between Ali and I, I loved saying things that would set her off. But now that we’re older, and those things still slip out from time to time, there always comes the completely awkward and completely miserable silence that comes when a fight is finished. I have always let 100% of the things Ali has said to me go, just simply because its part of the way I am. But Ali always holds grudges, so in her case I know exactly what to say to her in a fight. I always looked at it from the immature little sister point of view, but I never really understood or will ever understand the big sister way of handling situations. Knowing that big sisters wish to be looked up to, at least in yours and Ali’s case, I’ve come to censor my meanness to my sister over the years. I wouldn’t sweat the fight you got into with Hailey, it’s bound to happen. One day you’ll see eye to eye, even if it takes years!
Dan: I'm glad you managed to put in a compliment from Mr. Matlack. Only by a slight margin did my cousin manage to beat out all of the many influential compliments given to me by Mr. Matlack because I, like you, have spent many extra hours after school sitting in his room trying to make sense of AP Chem.
kellyyyy you are smart and pretty and beautiful! haha and this GUY (ugly) will never get any better just so ya know. <33
Matt- “Then Mr. A came up to me and delivered his comment, “good job.” But wait there’s more! What accompanied the comment still shocks me to this day; Mr. A reached out and hugged me with a big smile on his face.”
Woah, we should stop the presses! I’ve never heard this story before and when I read it, I literally muttered “What?!” I can’t even picture Mr. A given anyone a hug. But that brought a smile to my face. He must have been very proud of you to do that and it must feel great to be on the receiving end of that pride. Awwwww…
Kelly-
A tear came to my eye when I read the bit about Aaron. Who knew that he was able to say thoughtful things besides 'ROCK THAT DIAGONAL HSPA!'
:)
The worst thing that was ever said to me changed me into the person I am today.
I know this might sound strange, but it is one hundred percent true.
It was sixth grade. I was standing in the gym before the first bell rang, a normal ritual for all Mullicans in the morning. For some reason, I was spacing out a little, not talking to anyone in particular. I overheard someone say my name, which snapped me out of my early morning trance. It was two fellow classmates (I don't want to mention names) and I will never ever forget the conversation that followed. It went something like this:
"...Hilary? Nah, she's too much of a goody-goody."
-"Yeah. She probably cried over an 88."
"She doesn't do anything wrong, ever. It has to be hard living like that. To TRY to be perfect all the time..."
-"I know. That's really stupid..."
And the conversation continued. I stood there in shock, like someone slapped me right across the face.
If anyone knew me up to sixth grade... honestly? This was somewhat true.
I always strove to be a shining student, the "helper," the one who never got into trouble, you name it. I didn't think that I was a suck-up, but hell, maybe I was. I helped everyone all of the time and I never complained. But after I heard that, I instantly changed.
Is that how people perceived me? As the "goody-goody," the one who never took chances, the cry baby? What the heck?
I know it's bad to change for other people and their opinions, but for some reason this one stuck with me.
I started to changed 7th and 8th grade year, especially in high school. I got more sarcastic and less innocent. My grades weren't and aren't nearly as good as they could be. I started to focus more on myself, and didn't stretch myself out among everyone's problems.
I guess this was a good thing that I heard, but at the time, it was chilling.
The best thing that anyone has ever said to me was by a stranger. I was in girl scouts, and in seventh grade. It was from a man named Farmer Jim (very cool guy) and our troop went to his farm to pick tomatoes. They were all organically grown, and his farm was completely powered by solar power (again, very cool guy). Our troop volunteered to help harvest tomatoes near the end of summer.
Most of our troop were goofballs, so naturally, everyone didn't take it seriously and were throwing rotting tomatoes in each others hair. However, I was working furiously next to Farmer Jim a couple of rows away from the epic tomato battle.
I started talking to Farmer Jim to distract from the blistering summer sun and pain in my lower back. But I had to keep working. This man deserved help.
After an about an hour, Farmer Jim looked at me, and said, "You know what? You're different from those other girls. You've been working hard from the moment you got here. I truly and whole-heartedly appreciate your help. I can tell that you are special, and this will get you far in life."
I thanked him, almost blushing, because that was one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. I think it was most genuine due to the fact that he was a complete stranger, and didn't have any past experiences to judge me by. It obviously made an impact on me, because I remember it clear as day. I just knew Farmer Jim was a cool guy. :)
Sorry if this was short. I'm a little frazzled about something right now.
Matt.
That is so hard to believe.
I can completely appreciate that because I had Mr. A freshman year and I always wave frantically to him to make him mad. And the most I've ever gotten was a head nod.
Ha ha.
I bet you were so unbelievably shocked.
Alice !
"I never trust in people because I guess I was always afraid of getting hurt or being disappointed again."
Ahh I can entirely relate to this. I have ENORMOUS trust problems. There was a point in time where I surrounded myself with close friends. I was friends with a variety of girls that I deemed my besties. Every single bestfriend that I had either lied, manipulated, or deceived me. This led me to having a lot of friends that I talk to every now and then and never allow them to see me for me because of the same fear factor you have. Being disappointed sucks. It's just plain horrible. I've talked to my manager about this, a wise man, and he just simply told me to let go and go for it whether that is for a friendship or a relationship.. or anything. He told me never to let fear stop anything that you do. Recently, I've been trying that method and I've gotten to know someone really special because of just "letting go".
Where do all of these blog topics keep spawning from? Is it from the 8th level of hell? Seriously, another question that I've spent my share of time bitching over sitting down and actually doing it. But, now that I did, I'm glad. Mainly cause it did make me think bout something that I otherwise don't care for or toss a side after I mark it frivelous.
And wouldn't you know it, but all the bad stuff are just mostly moments where I zone out and remidn myself that I'm in the presence of a * -----------bleep----------- * And one of the most frequent of all of these is Russian jokes. I may not act like I am, but I am extremely patriotic. I don't do the pledge of allegiance why? cause they make me do it to the wrong flag. I don't put my hand on my heart during the national anthem why? cause there is one that I would much prefer. Rocky IV was a great movie but I didn't like it why? Cause for its time, it was just a big pile of propaganda -------bleep---------(Same can be said for a lot of movies though, like Miracle; a bunch of BS is what that was) But, this kind of patriotism doesn't survive here because it isnt, and it has never been the "land of the free." Sure you "CAN" express how you feel, but theres not promises that they will hold back the flaming torch and pitchforks. Some jokes I can stand to tolerate or maybe even laugh at myself, but as they add up it just gets frustrating to try to contain myself from speaking out. Cause I know that if I did, there would be plenty of things like "Russia rocks you dumb ---------bleep----------", "American is ---------bleep----------" and possibly many other curses and f-bombs. But, like with many things and like many other people, I just find a way to supress the feelings and pass it off as a laugh, even if it kills me a little inside.
This next one might have been even harder to come up with cause I was going for something special. Something that made me happy, made me cheer up without me realizing most of the time. That phrase is usually "Fuck it" or "Fuck the world." Right off the bat, I gotta stress that I DO NOT IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM hate the world and all who exist upon it. That is not what that phrase means. I find myself caring too much about other things or other people that I can sometimes neglect my own self and my own opinion or feelings. I really hate that. I'm not trying to be selfish, but it is wrong to try to fix everthing else if you can't even fix yourself first. What those two phrases usually do for me is they remind me that I'm going over the edge to do something I shouldn't. What those two phrases also do for me is they let me know that I'm not the only one with this problem. There are plenty of people out there that end up in these exact same situations, and its nice to know that someone is around to share the burden.
To Nyge
“I guess I’m always willing to please the people I care about and when they say hurtful things, I feel like a disappointment or that I’m letting them down.”
The people that you care about the most are the ones that can hurt you the most. I think everyone can relate to your story, I personally hate it when my parents flip on me, but its worse when they’re legitimately disappointed in me. I look up to my parents so when they yell at me it seems like its effects are multiplied.
Ugh…Let’s see. The worst thing that anybody has said to me was probably something very hurtful and totally devastating, but unfortunately, I tend to only remember things that I want to. So something that was very shocking that was said to me was when I was in elementary school at the amazing Hess School. It was around fourth or fifth grade, and we were in Mrs. Hudson’s class, which was one of the most influential classes of my life, even though she was partially blind and deaf. I still loved her. That class was a double period type thing, and generally in between the classes we would have a bathroom break. So, since we were treated like brainless zombies, there was a special order that we had to go through, which included standing in a line, with the boys and girls separated, 5 people going at a time, and when you were done, you had to sit at the end of the line. I glanced down the line of people in front of me; Megan, Rachael, Abby, Loren, Ashley. Crappppppp. Nobody to talk to or fool around with this time. (Some of the greatest events occurred in those ancient bathrooms, such as an act which included soap all over the floor, gliding around, and the Vice Principal, but I’ll delve into that later. =D) My five friends went in without me, and as I glance around the corner, I have to stand next to the boy who was in the front of the line, M.M. After a few moments of awkward silence, he looked down at my feet and then looked up at me, giving a somewhat dirty look, and then proceeded too ignore me. But right before he entered the bathroom, he clearly said,
“You need to shave your legs, they are hairier than mine.”
I really couldn’t even react. I walked into the bathroom, opened a stall, and just sat there in awe. It really takes a lot for a person to leave me speechless. After a few minutes of soaking it in, I got angry, and thought ‘what are you even talking about, we’re in fourth grade, what a jerk.’ I think that was one of the first times that somebody was dead serious making fun of me right to my face. I didn’t understand how a person could be so heartless. I think that this says that I am a person that really focuses on the small little things that people say to me everyday. And that some things that people may ignorantly mutter under their breath I really take to heart, and think about long after they occur.
I don’t even know the woman’s first name that gave me the best thing that has ever been said to me. So, here’s how it went. I was getting my nails done freshman year for the Semi Formal Dance at a nail salon in Mays Landing, all alone for the first time. I was in the midst of getting a pedicure when the woman next to me started a conversation about the magazine that I was reading. I’m not really sure what it was about. Somehow we got into a conversation about politics, which turned into sort of a mini debate. I know, nerdy. But, after the whole ordeal was over, she asked me how old I was, I replied with a simple ‘14’. She looked at me with such surprise and question that could only look back at her with the same confusion. Then she said it.
‘I thought that you were 18. I am a teacher at a high school, and you are the most eloquent, intelligent, and attentive student that I have ever met.’
Wow was all that I could think, and at the time it was kind of awkward to hear that from a random person. I wasn’t until I told my mom what the woman had said until I realized how truly important it was. From the bottom of her heart, she was telling me what she thought I evoked in public. I think that this says that I again focus on small comments that I get in life, even if they are from people that I don’t really know at all. It’s amazing how this one woman deciding to say something nice stuck in my mind for so long, out of all the other nice things that people have said to me.
Toni
I was at that lunch table when that happened. That really was terrible. I really am sorry if I had anything to do with it. I was stupid. And a bitch. I kicked Megan out of our lunch table too. That was messed up.
But I do also recall that being a very abusive lunch table at times, such as when we got food thrown at us when we had to 'PICK A NUMBER' as Jordan would say.
Through my extensive nearly 17 years of life I have come to realize that humans inhabit two bodies. One is the physical manifestation in which a person has real feelings of pain, pleasure, taste, touch, and things along that nature. Then on the other hand, humans have a mental, or emotional if you will, embodiment that is subject to other emotions such as happiness, sadness, anger, jealousy, and all those other good feelings humans are capable. From this realization, it can be found that humans are capable of being utterly dismantled or assembled in both mediums. Through the use of sheer force for the physical aspect, and for the emotional side of the coin through words. The latter brings us to our latest installation of the blog...
An emotional destruction or construction is established through the usage of human speech. However, human speech is derived from words. So, through the transitive property of geometry, which can be applied to life, a mental assault or healing session is the product of words. When these words are spoken, the emotional embodiment is exposed to some type of alteration or fluctuation between feelings. Words can induce emotional highs where positive feelings are all the float through the emotional presence, or they can obliterate any positivity within a person's being. Either way words have an unmistakable power over the human race.
Moreover, there has been a time when words have decimated the mental side of my being. It wasn't pleasant at all, and at the time it meant only a fraction of what it does now. Actually, I hadn't even thought about this utterance until about four hours ago when my sister forced me to get out of bed and start my homework. It occurred when I was around the tender age of ten. I had gone outside to play football with the big kids like I usually did back in those days, except this time the kids were legitimately big kids. On kid by the name of Dave Martin (no relation to the Dave Martin that graduated last year) had to be about two-hundred pounds and sixteen years old. But nonetheless, I was the little "badass" kid that had to hang out with the older crowd, so I played football with kids of his size and age. Like I said in previous blogs, I wasn't really playing, but more like running around pretending to play. Eventually, my team ended up on defense and this wrecking ball of a teenage was on offense. The play began and Dave took off down the field looking over his shoulder for a pass. Little did he know I was playing an extremely free safety. For all of you non-football-knowing people out there the free safety is the furthest back player on defense. Anyway, I was covering him as he sprinted towards me not paying attention, considering the quarterback had just thrown the ball to him. As a little kid I naturally thought, "this is my time to take the big boys down," so I sprinted as fast as I could directly ahead of him. And then my moment of glory came in which with every fiber of my being I speared this giant menace. However, a eighty pound ten year old isn't taking out a two-hundred pound sixteen year old regardless if he is sprinting as fast as he can. On the flip side though a four foot eight child is at perfect height to take down a six foot giant though. So as I left my feet to collide with his mid section, my shoulder went right into this gargantuan's significantly tender region. To make matters worse I made contact before the ball was anywhere near the kid, so it was pass interference. Anyway, the kid dropped to the ground screaming obscenities while I just stared in amazement that I had taken him down. All the other kids gathered around as he slowly staggered to his feet minutes later, while Sergio Ortiz and Kentrell Ruffin stood around scream "yo Jordan, you rocked that (n word)." This clearly did not make him happy, so he walked over to me and with his trashcan lid fist punched me right into the ground. Now being the resilient little kid I was, I got up with tears streaming down my face and said "What the hell was that for? It was an accident." To which he replied "Shut up you little faggot. Where's your mom, I'm looking to get high tonight so I need to buy some crack from her." Even though I was only ten, growing up in the areas of Oakcrest Estates I knew exactly what he was talking about. It completely devastated me, because I knew my mother wasn't addicted to crack, but she did have an addiction to alcohol. It was as if this little statement was like a serious poke into the problems of my household. I had already developed an aversion to the ongoing problems of my house, but when brought out in public I completely lost it. The fire inside of me burned like the hellish fire and brimstone the devil resides on. I succumbed to an utter fit of rage, and scrambled at the kid trying to literally punch his skull in. Unfortunately for me, I was ten years old. He just threw me off his back and then proceeded to kick me in chest. No need for further details, but a full scale fight ensued. After Kentrell eventually helped me home, I sat in my living room and cried, but not from the pain of the fight. But from the pain of the words he had said. As I look back on that moment, I see it was the first time anyone had ever said anything that would draw out the inner problems of my life for the public to see. Now I doubt the public knew the relevance it had to me before I exploded, but everyone could tell there was some truth in the statement. Ever since that incident I have learned to keep quiet and avert conversation from any topics that relate to the true problems that ever plague my house, and when it ever strays into that area I stay relatively quiet.
Onward to the largely more positive expression of words. Words have the unique ability to put an individual's emotional presence into a euphoric state. At first I thought the best thing anyone ever said to me was, like Devon said, "I love you." Then I realized that that statement is too cliched as the best thing that has ever been declared to me. The next top ranking positive statement that ever came to me was actually expressed at the end of a very rough game of football last year. It was the last game of the JV season, and being the JV superstar that I happen to be, which Molly will gladly remind everyone, I played amazing. However the JV squad was a motley crew of first year sophomore players, the second year sophomore players that weren't anywhere good enough for varsity, the junior year players who weren't getting enough playing time, and the mediocre freshman that were good against other tyro freshman players. This motley crew was destined for failure as the final game ended with us losing, finishing the season with the worst JV record ever 0-9. We were all sitting in a circle on our helmets with our heads hung low, considering at first we were actually winning the game but couldn't get the job done in the end. Then came Coach Ernie's we-had-a-good-effort-out-there-but-I-still-will-have-to-apologize-to-my-newborn-child-for-not-being-home-because-I-have-to-coach-a-bunch-of-kids-with-no-heart-and-give-up speech. At it's conclusion though Coach Parker came up to the circle, which was incredibly rare because he was the varsity head coach, and spent a good three minutes staring into everyone's eyes. Then as they shut the lights off on the field and plunged us into darkness (Damn Absegami people) he began his speech. "Don't you dare move. Look at me. This team didn't have much success, but do you know what it did have? A leader. That kid right there is a leader," and he pointed right at me. I was stunned. I literally sat there with a stupid smirk on my face for the rest of his speech. Me? A leader? How? I just did what I was told and cheered on my teammates. If he saw me in class he would of known at that point in my life I was just a follower, not a leader. Apparently, he saw something in me that even I didn't noticed. And that's the moment that the massive change began to overtake Jordan, or Jam Jam, as I was nicknamed by Falcon TV. It sort of inflated me with a sense of pride. A sense of purpose. Before that speech I was a rather angry, overly loud, obnoxious, lazy follower of Aaron Kesselman and Nick Seney. After that speech I slowly turned into the rather angry, overly loud, obnoxious, hard working individual before you today. It's like that little statement made by Scott Parker uncovered the hidden potential that was repressed within me. No longer did I laugh at everything as expected, or be the crony-type person that I had previously been. I developed a sense of individuality.
Additionally, the fact that I have chosen these two instances reflects a massive amount of information about my personality. I have seen the crippling and devastating effects of words from growing up in the potentially bad neighborhood of Mays Landing, which I know aren't as "Hood" as areas like Brandywood or Camden but are still areas of constant violence and problems of that nature. I have also seen the completely uplifting and personality altering ability that words can have upon the human emotional body. These two instances would explain a lot of things about my personality. For one the devastating instance, taught me to shield the really bad parts of my home life from people, while making light of the not so bad problems to distract those who questioned too much. Also it taught me that words can be bullets for the metaphorical emotional gun that all humans carry. The feelings of anger and sadness represented an emotional pain which left gaping holes in my chest. By experiencing that I found I could potentially use words to injure others, if needed. Secondly, from the positive aspect I learned the truth behind what our teachers had been preaching for most of our schooling: that one saying can really alter someone's life for the better. In the end, both the Ying and the Yang experiences of my life explain sections of my personality.
“You get the best of both worlds
Chillin' out, take it slow
Then you rock out the show
You get the best of both worlds
Mix it all together
And you know that it's the best of both worlds”
-You all know who this is by, come on.
So why this song came to mind, I absolutely have no idea. I guess because it had the word “both”...
Okay, so let’s start with the worst thing. Last year, last, last year now I suppose, on Christmas Eve, I got in a fight with my brother. You may know him as the rapper or the king of Asia, or that guy who picks Megan up from after school sports and activities. But to me, he’s nothing. Well, I won’t indulge on why because I might be feeling this way because I haven’t talked to him since the snow day, and that might influence my opinion. However, I digress. On that special Christmas Eve, my family was all there. My dad, mom, brother, sister, niece, and sister’s fiancé, Phil. Everyone except for my mom and Kimora (my niece) were in the kitchen. My brother and I had gotten in to a fight about something miniscule. I think it was about a DVD that I did want to watch, but he really wanted me to. So, he started making a scene. At the time, it had been awhile since his last outburst. He started shouting at me, and telling me I’m a “scared piece of shit” and to stop before afraid of things. My DVD I had just gotten was what he was gripping in his hand. He looked down at it, and broke it into many pieces and threw the shards at me. All while everyone, including my father, was watching. Now, if you knew my father, you would know that he likes to keep our family problems within our family. He likes to come off to others as a happy family with no problems. (Which is why all my friends think he’s a cute old man.) Well, Phil was sitting in the kitchen, not knowing what to do, and feeling out-of-place. Because Phil was there, he got so angry. More angry than usual. He and my brother got in an argument, and by now, my brother was cursing and knocking things over, and threatening to beat me up. (This is an understatement of what he really said.) Anyways, I’m going to skip a part because I too do not want to make my family look bad. Ok, so now we are at the point where my dad has told my brother to leave the house. He was basically kicking him out for good. He was telling him never to come back. All the while I’m thinking, ‘Oh my god, is this really happening? Why is he acting up now?? The day before Christmas!!’ So, my brother got Kimora, who was almost 3 at the time, got his car keys, and went out the door, slamming it behind him. In about ten minutes, he called the house and asked if he could at least get Kimora’s clothes. My dad said fine, and right before he left the second time, he called up the stairs and said, “Thanks for ruining Christmas for everyone, Megan.”
If you know me at all, which you all basically do, you know that I am a big fan of Christmas. I love everything about it from the cards to the happiness to the chestnuts. So when he said this, I just stared straight ahead for a long time, soaking it in. I was in my sister’s room with her and Phil. Since Phil was there, I was trying to seem calm to that point. When he said that, after straining to hold back tears for a few minutes, I felt wetness sliding down my cheeks. I kept crying and crying on the floor, hugging my knees. I knew he was right. I did ruin Christmas now. Everyone was feeling a bad emotion when they should have all been happy and joyous. When he said that, it hurt so much. Also, if you know me, you know that I am a very easy person to make feel guilty. I always can find ways why a problem is my fault. So, I twisted the problem so it would fit what he said. And it worked. Thus, this became the worst thing anyone has ever said to me.
People have given me plenty of compliments, and I can’t really pick out one that I really remember. So I’ll tell you one that’s alright that I DO remember. These four Stockton professors have been coming to my restaurant to eat on wither Thursday s, Fridays, or Saturdays. Two of them are in the Stockton band, and have their own band. They are one of my favorite customers, and very smart, light-hearted people. So the other day, my mom was waitressing while I was doing my homework in the back. She told me they were here and I went to say hello. After a little but, my mother told them how I was trying to learn my first Thai song for my grandfather, since he is sick. So they never heard me sing before, and they wanted to hear me sing some of it. I sang them the only two lines I memorized so far. After words, they told me how that was amazing. The musical one said, “Wow, I’ve been around music my whole life, and you have an outstanding, steady voice. It is so strong and smooth. You hit every single note on key. You really are an great singer. That was amazing.” This was the best compliment because it came from someone to whom I think very highly of. This man is in his 60’s+ and he has a lot of musical experience. His credibility is what made this compliment different from others I have gotten. It made me believe him completely.
I think my worst thing reveals that I don’t enjoy letting others down, and making myself a nuisance. There is too much stress in the world to make others feel more because of something I did. I think this shows that I just want everyone to be happy with me, and not mad? As for the best compliment, I would have to say that it shows that I doubt my singing ability. I only truly 100 percent believe compliments if they come form someone who knows what to listen for, and knows good from mediocre. I think it also shows that singing means a lot to me. Thus, compliments about my singing make me happy! =]
**Btw, Jmas says I'm smert, so that ranks as a high compliment too! =]
Dear Asheley,
I can't relate to being a momma's girl, but god do I hate people that call me a momma's boy with one hell of a fiery passion (no pun intended). Just because I'm nice to my mother doesn't mean we get along like...idk, but you know where I'm going with this. I'm gonna side with danny here and say that "people are stupid"
Dear Danny,
I'm sorry, but leet speak is BAD. I could insert many words in here, but I'm just gonna stick with "BAD." I could also call it a "Farmer," but thats an inside joke.
Janiru
Dude, I know exactly how you feel about your dad being someone that lusts for anger. My sister is the same way. Every little thing pisses her off. Like the bowl of hot oatmeal I threw at the wall because I burned my entire mouth. I don't understand why that pissed her off so much. On a more serious note, she does get angry at little things though. There were crumbs on the floor from my bagel so she sweeped them up and put them in my bed. Talk about just wanting an excuse to be angry.
jani-
“L1keee oMG it’S s0 c0ld 0ut her 2day I feal l1k3 an eskim0!!!! bUT they hav3 igl00s!!!!! I w1sh I h@D 1!!!!!!!”
Omgosh, i hate how people write like that. One, it takes me like an hour to read. Two, my eye starts to twitch as I squint to read it, and three, it takes more time to write it than a normal txt! Arggh! Silly people!
Toni
I remember that day. I remember saying it. And I remember exactly why I said it. But I won't explain my reasoning for saying it or even defend myself because I know no matter what I say or how legitimate my reasoning is, regardless everyone is going to think I'm the dick in this situation. However, it's only right for me to apologize for it. I'm sorry.
For most of elementary and middle school, let’s just say I wasn’t the prettiest crown in the box. I was chunky, awkward, and ugly. I had a god-awful haircut and was a walking beauty faux pas. I didn’t realize anything was wrong for a long time. Looks weren’t important to third graders, no one paid much attention to that sort of thing; but once middle school started, things began to change. After a year of middle school I realized, that at at least four inches taller and several more inches thicker, I was very out of place in my school. It plagued me constantly. Middle school is never fun for anyone, but try adding twenty pounds and braces to the mix. I was not happy. When sixth grade came, things started to change. I’d let my hair grow out over the summer so now I had nice shoulder length hair. My mom bought me a hair dryer and fancy shampoo, now my hair sparkled and stayed in one place. When it came to sports, I began working harder than ever. Pushing my self during the long practices. I put down the unhealthy snacks lying around the house and started drinking tons of water. My skin cleared up and, I didn’t realize this but, I began to slim down. During the year, I went from average eleven-year-old height to 5’6. I was now one of the tallest girls in the grade. Even though all my exercising, healthier eating, and growth spurts were paying off, I was too absorbed with my old image to notice that my pants were getting bigger. Mirrors had become my enemy and I didn’t dare go near a scale. One day in class the teacher passed around the group class pictures. When I found myself in the photo, I saw that the body attached to my head was extremely unfamiliar. So unfamiliar in fact, that I accidentally blurted out, “Is that me? I look so skinny!” My seatmate looked at me, like I was crazy, with a raised eyebrow and said,
“um yeah. You didn’t realize that?” “You’ve lost so much weight and you’ve gotten so skinny. You look so good.”
I was floored when she uttered that. Never in my life had any one called me skinny or said I looked good. It woke me up. That statement was also a validation, of my change, and a turning point in my life. Had the friend never said anything, who knows how long I would have gone on feeling embarrassed and ashamed. By someone verbally shaking me out of myself conscious rut they helped me to realize the new me. Her confirmation that I was no longer an ugly duckling was one of the best moments of my life. It was like sun breaking through dark clouds. For the first time in my life I was happy about who I was.
The worst thing I was ever told wasn’t even said to my face. No, I’m not talking rumors or gossip; I’m talking about AIM (instant messaging). My entire middle and (so far) high school life, “Caitlin” “relationships” and “boyfriends” never showed up in the same sentence. I’d always been a private person. In the web of middle school social networks and notes marked check yes or no if you like me, not telling you best friend who you were crushing on was like putting your self on a one-way path to Singlesville. A best friend would “accidentally” let it slip to someone who your crush was and before you knew it, the entire grade would be talking about it. In the next day or two, the guy and you would be “going out.” One of the reasons I’d never had boyfriends was because I never let anyone know who I liked. I kept mum when it came to current crushes. I’d rather no one know, than risk the embarrassment of public rejection. My philosophy was “tightly-lipped but pride intact.” Until this one guy. We had talked in class, online, and I had begun to see him in different light. At the risk of any Mullican figuring his identity, I’ll keep quiet on the description, but let’s just say he was cute, cute, cute. So cute that in fact I decided to put myself out there for the first time in my life. I enlisted the help of a good friend. The first thing we did was try to gauge how much interest he might have in me. She went on the computer, logged into Aim and, with me looking over her shoulder, started up a friendly chat with him. They talked for a little bit, and then my friend started to lead the conversation in another direction. She started giving him the names of girls from our school and asked for his opinion of each. He said some were yes’s, others no’s, and a few were “ehh’s.” Then in the middle of the questioning, my friend slipped my name in. His reaction was, “ew. No. why would I ever like her?”
What stung the most was that I didn’t get the brusque no like other girls. I got a definite defiant no. A never ever in a million years no. It hurt. A lot. What kept going through my mind was, “What’s wrong with me?” This wasn’t the old version of me, this was the newer better me. No more awkward or frumpiness. My personality wasn’t mean or nasty. What was it? People would tell me I was cute, nice, smart. Even strangers would say how pretty I was, but why wasn’t that enough? That comment left me distraught. Even now it affects me. When a guy doesn’t respond to a text message I wonder if he’s thinking the same thing that other guy was. It makes me slightly paranoid. I wonder if I’ll ever be good enough for anyone.
I could think of a good number of compliments and insults I’ve received in my life so far, but it isn’t hard to choose the worst or the best, because it usually gives you shivers when you think about it.
With the worst thing that’s been said to me, I didn’t even want to write about the instance at first because just the thought of it brought back the same feeling I’d experienced the first time I heard the words. Both the worst and best things have been said to me by my dad, which I’m not surprised to discover because a father plays a big role in a girl’s life and everything they say matters, and we look for approval from them, and when we’re denied this approval, we feel rejected and shamed.
I don’t remember what I did that time, but I remember it was bad enough to get my dad so mad at me that instead of yelling like always, he looked at me with eyes that revealed stress and told me he didn’t trust me anymore. I can’t quote his exact words because they were said in a different language, but hearing them from my own father was enough to gather all the shame and embarrassment in my body, enough to last me to this day when I occasionally think about it. He probably didn’t even mean it because I know he trusts me now, of course, and he probably doesn’t even remember he said them, but boy do I remember those words!! It was the worst thing I’d heard because it made me feel like I’d failed as a daughter, and I’ve always thought that shame is the worst feeling any human can experience.
Best thing someone said to me... oh right my dad. I was standing outside of our church one day with Maryanne, an elderly woman from our church and my close friend, and my dad walked over. Maryanne said to him, “Joseph, if you ever get tired, I’ll gladly take Tamari and adopt her.” My dad laughed and answered her, “but she’s the best I’ve got.” It felt amazing to hear he thought I was the best out of four kids! Although he didn’t say it to me directly, he said it in front of me, and it made my day! I think it was the best compliment because it made me feel like a good person and I was glad to hear he was proud of the person I’d become. I had his approval.
What does this reveal about my personality? I guess that It is important to me what my family thinks of me because I try to be the kind of person they’d be proud of, and it means a lot to me that they’re happy with the daughter they’ve raised, and are satisfied. It reveals that I’m not selfish, but quite considerate.
I've been cursed out by random guys at train staions and street corners. Friends and family have called me worthless. I get insulted everyday. I usually don't let it ruffle my feathers. They're just having a bad day.
"I wish Sarah was an only child." Maybe it was just exasperation, maybe it was the truth, but I didn't really care at the time. Now, I was a bad kid, and I'll be the first to admit it. I was rude, disobedient, violent, and mischievous. But those are things that parents have to deal with all the time. Granted, I was disciplined frequently, and my behavior never seemed to improve, but that doesn't mean I'm a worthless child, just a troublesome one. It's due to comments like this that I've always been closer with my father, who controls his voice much better than his fists.
The best complement I've ever recieved actually came from my mother as well.
"Maybe you should major in English." She had never enjoyed my writing before then. It's really hard to impress her - especially if your name happens to be Jon Scheaffer - but I finally managed to get a thumbs up. It really meant a lot to me, since I was quite proud of my poetry, and she was fueling that pride even more.
My choice of comments shows me that I really care about what my mother says. Even though she only hears a quarter of my half of our conversations, I apparently pay attention to all of hers. Also, it shows my pride and self-worth is somewhat dependent on my reception of maternal approval.
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Just spent 10 minutes looking for Matt's so I could comment on it, before realizing I had to refresh.
Matt:
Pokemon is amazing.
Megan:
Hannah Montana is not worth quoting.
Jani:
I agree, igloos are amazing.
************************************
"Now that we're gettin somewhere, you know we got to give back
For the youth is the future no doubt that's right and exact
Squeeze the juice out, of all the suckers with power
And pour some back out, so as to water the flowers "
@ Eva- omg I can’t believe I’m indirectly responsible for the worst thing ever said to you! D= also, dan also finds me scary when I’m angry, so not to rain on your compliment parade, but I get the feeling that scaring him isn’t hard.
@ Matty- first, wow what a B****. Second, I could tell IMMEDIATELY that was written by Alice, haha. It just made me giggle.
@ Jani- lol La Tay Tay
I don't think I'll be very good at this blog, because of my lack of memory as per mentioned in the last blog. But I'll try.
This is probably not the exact worst thing anyone's ever said to me. I immediately disregarded all comments from people I don't really care about, because even if mean, those wouldn't have impacted or hurt me. Then I disregarded all things from Tim, because it's natural that those you talk to constantly will talk to you in their worst moods too. And this was what those eliminations led me to:
“You are, and will always be a robot. Your lack of faith in the human capacity for emotion is astounding. You are void of human emotions, and sicken me. Grow up a little and maybe I’ll take what you say more seriously, but as is, you’re nothing but a petulant, faithless, robot child.”
A friend of mine, Paul, had been going out with his girlfriend for 2 months, and had decided he loved her. I disagreed. This led to the argument that would completely demolish our relationship for about a year. Even now, it’s not the same. I received this in an email, hence the exact quote, and cried for hours. Was it true? I considered myself empathetic, kind, relatively cynical, yes, but a good, emotional girl who applied realism to every aspect of her life but who also tried to apply compassion to just as much. And the sucker punch- he told me to grow up. I am one of the most mature people I know. It’s a continuous problem for me, my maturity, because I’ve recently come to realize that I don’t connect well to people my own age. At all. And that’s going to make next year (when there is no one older) very very dull for me unless I can find some friends my own freaking age. Yet those same older friends it will be so terrifying to lack- they consider me childish? It was highly upsetting and still unnerves me. I don’t want to think about this anymore.
So on to the positives! Two immediately jump to mind, but as mentioned, they probably aren’t the best things ever said to me. The first was from a person I barely speak to, just an acquaintance, and it went something like
“You are beautiful. You wear things I think would look skanky or silly on other people, and I think they look amazing on you.”
The second was from my mom, a few minutes ago, hearing my distress at my blog.
“I think I would like you even if you weren’t my daughter.”
The first is striking because I almost never get compliments on my appearance, and if I do, it’s on my hair. I felt special for the whole rest of the day after that, and it was epic. I don’t personally think very well of myself physically concerning appearance. No 16 year old girl wants abs or biceps, or to lack the capacity to tan, burn or turn any color at all, really. I tend to write myself off as rather bland looking, and this compliment truly made me think otherwise for a brief period of time. As for the second, I just find it fun to think about. By saying that, she’s kind of implying she wouldn’t necessarily like any of the other 5, which intrigues me because aside from Margaret, we’re not that different.
I think this says I value people's opinions too highly. If you matter to me at all, what you say can make or break my day so easily... it's probably a bad thing.
Fiona: That one counted as the worst only because it was most recent. The next time I botch a project, it'll be replaced.
You are, and have always been, the Eldest Sister. Childish is not an adjective I'd apply to you, ever.
-Carly
I can't believe you remember that! I definitely do now that you mention it. I had a blast that summer at camp... You're hard work over the years taught me so much about what it really means to put your heart into everything you do. So I should be thanking you for that. You are amazing at all you do and I still look up to you just as much!<3
"From then on, I compared everything I did to my brothers, even though nobody else did. To this day, I rate my accomplishments in relation to theirs. I can't do anything without thinking that Andrew would have done it this way, or Alex's way would have been better."
-Erik
Well I know I'm a little late on this, but I had soccer last night so this is my first chance to read through everybody's responses. Erik this statement really stood out to me. Having two older sisters, I totally understand that pressure. I'm constantly comparing my actions to theirs. I always think, what would Kate do? or how would Erin react? It often leads to a deep sense of dissapointment. I feel like I'm lost in the mix and nothing I ever do will be good enough.
Fi- To be fair, I either disregard or ignore people when they're generic pissed-off angry or frustrated angry. I've seen the two of you in a fury. Scary.
So, today I had something said to me that I really thought might never happen. It felt amazing. What is this wonderful thing? Well, here's the back story. I have first period gym and since the beginning of the year have been on a team full of girls. They may be girls, but they are the athletic type and good at everything and anything that has to do with hand-eye coordination. I, on the other hand as Sara VP has pointed out, don't really have an ounce of athleticism. (besides those freak of nature days, which don't occur all that often) So, today we went into the low ceiling gym and began to prepare for our epic floor hockey. The normal debates about who should be goalie took place and thankfully it wasn't me because when it comes to defense I have no chance. So as we lined up and I moved towards my position I hoped that I would just do my thing and not mess up. Hopefully one of the real athletes on the team would carry us to victory. The orange ball zoomed by me and i quickly came out of my own head and chased after it, trying my best to just kept it from the other team and get it to Sara or Geotze (?) or Devon, someone that had a chance when it came to the crucial shot at the goal. We weren't playing the most motivated team and we weren't all that gung-ho either; it was 7:30 in the morning! The ball bounced from one end of the court towards the other, Tarah swung a few times at the little bugger and missed by only a fraction. Somehow I found the little orange devil in my possession and a pretty decent shot at the goal. I quickly was forced to decide if it would be more beneficial to pass it off or shoot and pray. I chose the latter. I hit the goal post and it bounced off in the opposite direction. I heard congratulatory shouts of "Nice try" and "Almost Matt". I felt disappointed and wondered if i should have passed it off, but there was no time to second guess myself, the game was on again. We moved the ball up and down the court for what seemed like and eternity. I felt pressure for our team as it was still a scoreless game and there was barely a minute and a half left. I entered my own version of "beast" mode and went full force in an attempt to get this orange pest that could potentially win the game. Miraculously, I got it! I was barely thinking and just relying on shear instinct. I lifted my stick and swung before it completely registered. I had scored, not only had I scored, but I got the only goal of the game and won it for my team. But nothing compared to what came next. My teammate and queen of all things athletic and the originator of "beast mode", Sara, ran over, smile plastered on her face, shouting "Good Job!" Hand poised in the air for what would be the best and most rewarding high-five of my life so far. I had finally done something to make my team proud of me. I had proven my worth and it was known.
After that game I was in a state of pure ecstasy and all because of two simple, common everyday words. I never felt so good. I think I have found the best thing someone has ever said to me. I have never felt such jubilation from a 100 on a test or any other type of congratulations. I am still in shock over it. So Sara, thanks for that, it means more than you could ever know. :)
awwww, welcome matt :). It really was a beastly shot!
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